Speaking of Healing

 Nobody wants to show you the hours and hours of becoming. They'd rather show the highlight of what they've become.

Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

As someone who deals with the ups and downs of chronic illness, I also encounter healing and scars. I plow through days, weeks, and sometimes months and years of wondering if I'm ever going to feel like a "normal human". I find the above quote somewhat backwards at times, because as much as we complain about people only showing their "highlight reels" on social media outlets, and therefore, not being "real", (what is real anyway)we do the same thing in our own lives. When someone asks, "How are you doing?" what do I say? "I'm okay, I'm fine," even when I'm not. I don't share what I'm going through because no one really wants to know that, and I don't really feel like explaining anyway! So, if you don't want to know the rough stuff, and you don't want to see the highlights, what exactly is it that you want to see or know? Good question. Maybe go see a movie?

A friend shared this with me, "Speak from your scars not your wounds. Speak from a place of healing, not hurt". -Dr. Caroline Leaf.  I agree with this concept and I know from where it is originating. But what if I'm not quite healed and I am still an open wound?  I think a lot of us are, based on what I'm seeing in the world today. I think what we're experiencing around us is a lot of open wounds bumping up against each other, tossing salt at each other, and then once in awhile, someone says, "Hey, talk about your healing." And we look at them like it's a foreign concept, because it has gone either unacknowledged or unknown by many of us.  

We are still caught up in some turbulent times, and the pandemic added so many levels of misunderstanding to relationships that were already complicated enough. I'm not surprised at all that there are so many of us not knowing how to communicate or even recognize their healing when it does takes place. We have become so used to living in such a downward turn, and voicing all of our complaints and having many forums for it! Dare I say I've even become a little nervous about sharing even my good news, as I've noticed not everyone is happy for your success. It's a weird world-where you tippy toe and still manage to step on land mines! 

When I have experienced healing at all, it sometimes comes with another disappointment. I ask God to take something that hurts away from me, and I already have a picture in my mind of what I want it to look like. I imagine a weight being lifted off my shoulders, and yes, finally- freedom! But just when I think it might happen, some other mountain I must tackle takes its place, or something else shifts, and knocks me off balance again. I believe these are the "hours and hours of becoming". True healing is not linear. It takes so much time, and it sucks up so much emotional energy along with the physical toll on the body. 

There is so much healing that needs to be done within our spiritual and emotional selves that many of us don't even realize. When I was misdiagnosed, I was initially positive about it, but it didn't solve the issue. When someone said to me, "Do you think God healed you?" I was honestly taken aback. I hadn't even thought of that. I am still pondering it. Did God heal me or was I misdiagnosed with a better outcome? And that was just one condition that had changed. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 

After experiencing near fainting episodes and failing a simple heart test, I spent nearly 9 months fighting with my insurance company, trying to get the testing I needed to pinpoint whether or not there was something going on with my heart. I had already had an ECG that showed some very disturbing results, and the outcome didn't look favorable. The test was necessary to see if the left side of my heart was failing in some way, but the insurance kept rejecting it four times.  Here's why: Because I'm "ambulatory" (I walk just fine, but not for long periods of time and not quickly, as expected during a stress test), they wanted me to do a regular stress test, however two conditions that I presently have don't allow me to walk briskly on a treadmill without risk of further damage or causing an IC flare. They were told this over and over and kept ignoring it, because I CAN WALK after all. See, you have to have broken legs in order to be non-ambulatory in the eyes of an insurance company.  After my doctor finally called the insurance company on my behalf and got the chemical test (I don't recommend it at all) pushed through for me, the results showed that my heart was functioning 20% higher than the previous ECG had showed, and "possible ischemia" changed to "no ischemia", among other differing results. It was like there were two completely different results. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to think. Were the tests wrong? Did they get me mixed up with a healthy person? 

Why is it that I didn't automatically say, "God did that." Why? Because I'm not miraculously "healed", as I expected my healing to be?  No angel choir? How strong is my faith if I pray and then don't really know how to receive what I asked for?  Are we walking around healed and we don't even know it because God fixes things in us and we still feel broken or we remain where we are? What a thing to think about. Do I have the healing and I just haven't acknowledged it or accepted it because it doesn't look the way I thought it would, or feel the way I thought it would? The tests changed, but I'm still having the problem. So, one problem solved, but the mountain is still there. Like I said, there are emotional and spiritual things in us that need healing too. Hours and hours of them. 

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. Proverbs 20-22 ESV

There was a time I would spend three weeks flat on the couch in a terrible flare with interstitial cystitis. I still struggle with flares, but it has been four years since my last month-long horrible flare.  Am I healed? If you were in my body every day, you'd say, "Please let me out!" So, no. My bladder hurts almost every day, and I don't have a "normal" body. But I act as though I can do whatever I want. We are planning on building a cabin on our property, which has been a dream of ours for years. When I talk about it with Steve, I say I'm going to do this and that and then I say, "Oh, listen to me, I forget I have limitations. I forget sometimes that I'm kind of sick." Because in my mind, I'm not and I don't want to be. I can do and will usually try to do whatever I want to do. My coffee mug says so- "I do what I want." I picture myself healed, hauling lumber, using a chain saw, and not being limited by anything! I live the life I want to live, the best way I can. I have adapted the best way I can so I can enjoy my life, and in that way, I am healing. If others with IC were to come to me, I would help them in that way. I would help them manage their stress, remove toxic people ( a must!), and invite God into their healing. But I won't lie when I'm having a bad day, because a bad day is a bad day, and even God knows I can't tell you it's not. But I will tell you it's better with God than without Him. There are ways we hold ourselves back from our own healing. I know that's not what you or I want to hear, but it's true. I ask God to reveal that to me, so that I can be the woman he designed me to be in every way. 

Revealing who I am becoming, and speaking of my healing...yes, I do those things. But I may also speak of my wounds and my illness, and I pray that I will always have those genuine friends and family who will be there to hear me, because I can tell you with certainty that there are people out there who just don't care about other people, sick or not.  There are people who will tell you they care, but they will give up on you when you "become difficult or stressful", and you will need to let them. You can't let anyone's negative behavior become the stress that makes you sicker. A true friend taught me that! 

 When someone is hurting with a chronic physical illness or an emotional one, the most important thing for them is to be HEARD, not always to teach us something from their pain, though we may learn by proximity. Someone is always expecting someone else to be "strong and inspirational" because they've "gone through something." That may be true, but can we just let people BE. God has made all of us in His image, loves us all, and has given us ALL a purpose on this earth. In His time, and with His strength, we will all be able to be used for His glory if we allow it. We are to love and help one another, and not add to the pain and pressure that others face. Let us be a light and a hand to others, realizing that our kindness and presence will always be the balm anyone needs. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:32