Nothing Empty About This Nest

Our children's independence is a reminder of how much we had to give and all that we have accomplished. It is a pleasure to remember that it is not a form of abandonment but an expression of a job well done. 

Madeline Levine 

 Is it just me, or have the last 8 years just flown by incredibly fast? What is happening to my life that it seems like just yesterday that both of my kids were in high school, and I was running around after them 24/7? Time is a wizard with an invisible wand. Sometimes I wish I could stop the clock and take a  look around for awhile before it snaps its wand again. I am now an empty nester with 2 college graduates, and their lives are moving at breakneck speed while mine is just trudging along, though somehow I've gotten older overnight.  Is this what empty nesting means? 

I need to talk to all these seasoned parent birds flying around. All these mama birds pushing those babies out to the edges of those nests with their barely wet wings. Does mama have plans to fly somewhere later that day, or is she just picking up the broken shells and hanging new photos over the old baby bird ones? What does she do when she buys too much seed at Costco anyway? Is she okay with all of this? She has to be, right? Because as everyone says, "life goes on." 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

What a weird feeling it is when life just keeps going on and there is this vacillating feeling of "it feels like only yesterday" to "that was forever ago" when remembering the lives of our children. It's a strange experience to visit the homes of my daughters. It's weird-good, since they are doing so well for themselves, and thriving in good jobs, and actually carrying themselves now. It's bittersweet because as I watch them navigate all the hard things in life, there was once a place in which I inexplicably fit, and now that place is filled by their own growth and independence.  My new role is to support, encourage, and be ready to hold those tired wings when they grow weary of flying in the world. This is what we spent years preparing them for-to soar on their own, and to not depend on us for everything, and yet we stand in this odd gap of 'what exactly is our purpose now'? We stand on the edge of the empty nest, knowing we've served our purpose, we've raised them well, but now searching for a new role as parents, and as two individual people who are still as one. 

But like any change in life, sometimes we need time to stand in it, wear it, accept it, and eventually rejoice in it.  There is a bit of grief between each stage of life, as I think back. From the time they said their first word to the time they took their first steps. Every stage leaves something precious behind, but brings with it something new and exciting. If we stay back too long looking at what we're missing, we may not enjoy the excitement and newness going on right in front of us! 

We know our daughters still need us, just like we needed our parents when we left home, and still do, though for much different reasons. We are learning to walk the fine line of when to step in and offer our help, and when to hold back. Much like when they learned to walk and we let go for the first time so they could take those first steps alone. We are learning where we end and they begin all over again. It's not an easy thing to do, when our whole world of parenting for all those years was centered on guiding and leading them and probably neglecting ourselves a bit. We now have to refocus, because they have a life to live that requires a whole different form of freedom and independence. We have a life to live too, and it starts with remembering how our own life began. We were once two young people, ripe for the world, needing our own independence and identities, and we can't ever forget that as we watch our own adult children grow into who they are apart from us. We would be wise to remember our own identities apart from being their parents as well. 

We began as a Mr. and Mrs. long before we were a "mom" and "dad." And before that, we were people too! We had a life that revolved around being a married couple and individuals. It didn't include children, their schedules,  parental responsibilities and worries. It was our time to learn about each other, have fun, and get into a groove of living the life we were planning. I always say, thank God we married young while we were still too naive to know the difference, or we may have never agreed to this deal! We laugh, because it takes so much compromise to really make a life cohesive and you have to let so much go and not let petty things matter at all. When we were young, we just let it all go, and just focused on the love and having fun, and thank God we had that blissful ignorance!  Kids do leave the nest one day, and you want to make sure you've been building a strong, healthy relationship with your spouse all along. If you focus solely on the kids and don't take care of each other, you may not recognize or even like each other when the kids are gone! I am thankful we spent so much time building a solid friendship within our marriage, because we know each other so well. We were listening to Smokey Robinson and India Arie sing, "You're Just My Life...that's all" the other night. And that says it all. Sometimes it is that simple. https://youtu.be/J0VHzp_afOo

So, as empty nesters, facing each other, and not being bounced about by the busyness of a child-filled life, we have to ask ourselves again, "what is it that we want out of this new life we are planning?" Are we still going to focus on the love and having fun? What new compromises are we willing to make for each of us to be happy individually and together? One thing we've always done is communicate how a change will affect us and what we will do to adjust. This eliminates the shock and surprise that sometimes accompanies a change, because we didn't talk it through beforehand. This mama bird may be a chatty bird, but talking through issues before they happen sometimes keeps the nest peaceful overall. 

When parent birds are left alone in the nest, they have a choice. They can look up into the sky with pride and enjoy their babies soaring high, as they taught them to do, or they can focus on the quiet nest.  One will create a new foundation, and the other may create a sense of loss and emptiness. 

"Fly little bird...your nest will always be here..." 

A new foundation can be a new opportunity to rebuild. I have joked that I may turn the upstairs into a dance/party lounge, but in all seriousness, it's a time to make plans for the future. This marriage started with two and God willing, will end with two. The children were a blessing, and it went by so fast. We enjoyed so many wonderful times with them, and of course, there are always things we wish we could have done, but we know that of all the kids God could have chosen for us, we got the best two daughters He could have ever created just for us. It's no wonder it went so fast, because good times do that sort of thing. We have sweet memories and so many fun stories to share around the table. 

Our grand vision all along was to build a life for them that they would want to share with their own families one day.  To have so much love that they would want to build more family memories with the people who loved them their whole lives. We are hopeful for the growth of our family, the additions our nest may see in the future, and for all the changes in our lives to come. There is nothing empty about a nest that is always full of love, hope, and family waiting for you to come home! 

Give the ones you love 

wings to fly, 

roots to come back, 

and reasons to stay. 

Dalai Lama

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