The problem with the use of self-help books is the same thing that can go wrong with a cookbook. If you don't know how to work a stove, the cookbook won't do you any good. Same with a person reading a self-help book. If you're not aware of what is going on inside you, a book about the self may seem like it's written in another language. But when we are looking for a kinder, compassionate, more loving world, we have to start with being kinder, more compassionate, more loving people as individuals. If we aren't aware of the things we may be doing or being that are in direct opposition of those things, we won't improve and neither will the world around us. I don't believe self-improvement, self-love, or self-care is selfish at all, but very necessary if we are to improve relationships with God and with others. It's the way we approach these things that really matter; not in a self-serving way, but in a way that enhances the relationships around us. Self love is simply loving who God created in His image. We are to love and respect the mind, body, and soul that He has given us on this earth. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought as a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.
And before you think this is a "be the change you wish to see in the world" kind of thing, I'm not just repeating Gandhi. I am still learning to be more self-aware, and my learning years have been brutal. I've been more on the train of "I better check myself before I wreck myself." As others' reactions to my past behaviors became crystal clear in the mirror to me, I had to humbly ask God for direction and correction. Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Then as He gave me insight and grace, I gave myself grace as I learned. Seeing yourself for who you are isn't always pretty, which is probably why some of us don't like to do it. It's much easier to look at everyone else and point out what's wrong with them. ("look over there, not at me" strategy) But facing our inner ugliness down will get to the root of the problem, and many times we realize the root of this problem is fear. John 10:10 The thief comes to kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. Satan loves to use fear to keep us down. He is cunning and convincing in his lies about us and to us. Sadly, when people in the world also join in to cut us down, it falls into agreement with his lies. It can be a hard cycle to break on our own. There really is nothing too big for God to handle, though, and there is no condemnation in His love.
Looking back when I started out as a new believer, my belief in God and my love for Him were seemingly two different things. The difference between just believing in God and knowing what it is to love and follow Him could still be world issues today, and recognizing that others may struggle with that as I once did, shows me an area that needs a great deal of grace. But before we get to that, let's see what being "self-aware" means, according to a fairly loose definition on google search.
Self-awareness refers to being able to recognize and tune in to your own thoughts, feelings, challenges, and strengths–being able to see yourself for who you truly are, clearly and objectively. This is who you are–not who you "wish" you could be, or who you want others to see. It's how you are when you're alone and no one is there to observe you or hear your thoughts. God sees us for who we truly are, because He designed us in His image. It's important to know this first, because we were made by Love, for love, and with love. With that said, we might have some work to do if we're noticing some grace shortages going on, either by us or to us. But if we can get back to knowing who we are, I think it's a step toward being more aware of who God plans for us to be. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
A self-aware person is mindful–they know how to "read a room," generally attentive to the other needs and personalities there. They tend to be humble, giving credit to others (and God, if a believer) easily, do not blame others, easily take criticism, are not in the center of drama or sharing gossip, do not hold grudges, will get more knowledge before they share information and are honest about their lack of knowledge on a subject (wisdom), do not force their beliefs(religious or otherwise)on others or try to control others in general, worrying whether others like them or not, judging the preferences of others, etc..., can flex their minds on different subjects and change their point of view–accepting new information, can listen instead of always the one talking, can accept disappointment in favor of long-term happiness, maintains a pretty positive outlook, doesn't spend time criticizing and cutting down, will not go out of their way to convince others of anything, but knows how to set healthy boundaries. (this is a list of qualities I obtained online) I'm sure at one point or another in my several decades, I have violated some or all of these! To date, the most self-aware person is Jesus. He's perfect, yes. But think about it. Jesus didn't force His beliefs on others. Matthew 10:14 If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. In fact, Jesus exemplifies all of these traits and more.
A self-aware person may come across as a person who is authentic, and a person that doesn't seem to work at having to keep themselves "in check," because being a healthy-minded individual comes naturally. How refreshing, right? As I briefly studied this topic and stumbled onto these traits, I saw it as a basic outline of what not to do or be. These are not meant to make us feel shamed, but to remind us of what can happen when we become too self-focused, why we might be that way, and set about the changes for a better life. All of the above traits had one thing in common–no need for self-importance. Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Can you imagine the conversations going on if we were all more self-aware? I just imagined the most polite and uplifting conversations, did you? Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
But how do we become self-centered in the first place? If the root is fear, and I believe it is, then what are we afraid of? Remember where fear comes from–the enemy. If Satan can get you believing his lies–that you are not good enough, for one, then it won't be long and you'll be rejecting yourself too. When people don't turn to God and His love and approval for what they lack, they begin to rely on outside sources and themselves–a lethal combination. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Turning inward, they begin to self-destruct. They believe the lies that they are ugly, can't adjust to change, won't succeed in life, not good for anything, and all the other lies Satan will make seem true. When we begin to repeat these lies or hear others validate them with us, we begin to live out the negative outcome we expected. As the letterboard in my home says, "The words you speak become the house you live in." (Hafiz)
I don't believe that people who are living in a lack of self-awareness are conceited. I believe they are living in a state of complete denial. They don't want to look in the mirror, for fear of what they see may be what they think in their minds is true. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. They have been living in a false world of seeking approval and pleasing others in order to hide the monster they think they are. But the irony of that is, people can smell self-rejection a mile away and see it in all the off-putting behaviors above. People can get rejected when their behavior is toxic, and it would do a world of good to actually look within and do away with those behaviors that can create those divides. Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Encountering a bad moment in a person or ourselves can be kind of messy, but do you know what really shines in a person? Humility and love. Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. When you know you are loved by God and you believe it with all your heart, it can't help but change you. All the lies you've been believing will not be tolerated by you any longer. All your past hurts, rejections and disappointments will no longer be clouding up your reflection. You will see who God has been loving all along, and you will be able to love others with that same pure love. Joy will replace fear, anger, hurt and rejection, no matter what circumstance you find yourself in, because with God, you truly can live a life based in love and not fear. Romans 8:39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
It's important to remember that we all need grace, and we all need to extend it too. As I said before, in my unawareness of self, I went for years thinking just my belief in God was enough. I didn't understand what it meant to not only have a relationship with God, but to also allow the love in that relationship to grow and change me. This is key here, because "God is love" was very "bumper sticker" to me when I was new in the faith. I didn't know how it applied to me, and so I called it "faith" for a really long time until I started to get to know the character of God. Jeremiah 31:3 I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Until God got into my heart in a personal and genuine way, took root, and started growing in me, the relationship aspect didn't materialize in me. Up until then it was a lot of following, going, and doing things right. It took me awhile to realize that God actually loves me as an individual and pursues me as His own. Yes, God is love. But God loves me, right there in my pink sweatpants and messy hair, not because I've earned it by "going, doing, and following." I didn't realize for a long time that although God didn't need my love, he wanted it and I needed to give it to Him. These are the gifts of becoming self-aware and God-aware at the same time.
Until I started to let that sink in, I was going to be the same, rejection-filled, scripture-copying unhappy person walking around, very unaware of herself and how her actions were repelling the very people she wanted to attract. That was many years ago, and I'm happy to be retired from that, but in order to maintain an authentic relationship with God, I need to continue to stay real, and let Him love me, as imperfect as I am, and know that He accepts my love, as genuine as it is. This is the real unconditional love relationship we can have, and it's the one that allows mistakes, bad days, and everything we've ever done wrong in the past to be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. If we can't be our real selves and let God in to love us, how can we expect to be real with loving others? How can they know our love for them is even genuine? I was once impressed with a pastor's wife who pulled a worn slip of paper out of her old Bible, and it read, Jesus, help me love you more. I remember thinking how odd that was at the time, but now I get it. Love is a decision and an action, and both require us to be aware of what we need. If I want to know how to love God more, I will ask Him and He will show me more about Him. It is a relationship. How about that?
I don't believe a person can give away what they don't have. Easily and freely loving others is impossible when self-hatred and rejection is carried around in the heart day after day. Luke 6:45 For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. When you meet a person who is full of love, it will overflow to everyone around them. When you encounter a person like that, you just know, don't you? You walk away feeling like they just shared a real part of their spirit, and if they are in Christ, you just received a part of Him too. To give people our authentic selves is what God means when He says in His Word, Love each other as I have loved you. (John 15:12) It's no trite thing to "be yourself" or to "love yourself" if it draws you closer to God and to loving the people around you as He intended. Becoming self-aware just means we are willing to look within and see any behaviors and habits that are keeping us from the true connections and blessings that God wants for us.
Blessings and love to you!
2 comments:
I like this thought. The words you speak become the house you live in."
What a well written piece! We all need to take a look inside ourselves and love ourselves more in order to get closer to God. Thanks for teaching us how important it is to be self-aware.
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