The Choice is Ours

 At the present moment, I am positioned between two nesting birds–an Eastern phoebe under the eave of the garage to my right, and an American Robin in the crook of the crabapple tree to my left. Spring has finally pushed her way in and made everything new and green again, and for that, I am grateful. I am proud of those parent birds who follow their instinctive natures to care for their nests and young at all costs. Much like God is our shelter, and we are the fledglings under the protection of His mighty wings. Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. These good mamas are keeping me from finishing a few of my outdoor tasks, as I am giving them the quiet space they require, but I am enjoying the view from my windows. 

With the coming of spring, the list of things I need to get done is longer than a CVS receipt. If you're unfamiliar with the notorious CVS receipt, they can be several feet long! Sprinkled throughout my normal tasks this year are two major events–a bridal shower we are hosting here at the house, and an upcoming wedding I am helping to plan. Do other life events take a pause in order for these things to take precedence in my life? No. Like the coming of spring, good things often come with a long list of more things to tackle, and life doesn't pause just because I have other things to do. 

I was lamenting yesterday that living in the woods may not have been the best idea. I had already sprayed myself with mosquito repellent twice, and was going back for a third application. They were relentless! Beauty and peace often come with a trade-off. Having lots of beautiful things comes with having to maintain and care for all of those things. If you want to enjoy a stick-free yard, you shouldn't have trees. But if you enjoy shade, you should also plan to rake. If you love birds, you should also plan on chasing squirrels out of the feeder. If you don't want to chase squirrels, don't feed birds. Whatever we enjoy will require energy in some form or another. How much we want to keep it will require more energy later when the newness wears off. 

What we want and don't want, for the most part, is our choice. It's important to choose wisely and know that there are some things–even good things– we may have to give up for the sake of our own joy and peace. Ecclesiastes 3:6 a time to keep and a time to throw away... It's good to work and be busy doing good things, but I don't think God means for us to be so busy that we become overworked and exhausted. 1 Corinthians 6:19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body. These are things to take to heart in any season–are we holding on to too much clutter and spending too much time organizing stuff we don't even need? Are we working countless hours on tasks that are draining our energy to the point that we don't enjoy it when we're finished? Things can be good, but also unnecessary if they begin to create chaos around us. 

Not to sound cliché, but life truly is made up of many choices strung together. Some are significant, and some are just minor decisions, but on a daily basis, we make some kind of choice. When I think about my reactions and responses to recent life situations that have occurred, those were all my choices to be made. It's true that we can't control what is happening around us, and we can't control other people or how other people conduct themselves. We can't predict weather or major news stories that may affect us. But we can choose how we react, respond, and interact in this world, who we surround ourselves with, what we do with our time, what we eat and drink.  We control the words we say, what we think and believe, and how we see the world, others, and ourselves. All of those influencing factors and choices will either move us forward or backward in life.

 I like the quote, "Don't let people pull you into their storm. Pull them into your peace." Every day we can be pulled into someone's chaotic situation and find ourselves commiserating and trading ooze with them, but there is nothing good to be discovered there. It is a wise choice to instead pull them into the peace we know as solution-seeking God choosers. It will then be their choice to accept it or not. With all choices come consequences, and in them we can either find peace or eventual regrets. When we make choices with God's solution already in mind, we know that we will be able to rest with whatever consequence it brings because we have His assurance. James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 

In a devotion titled, He's Moving You, Charles Stanley writes, "What you believe shapes how you respond to the challenges that arise." It's more than just a belief, as it also needs to be lived out. When faced with difficult news last week, I became ill. Although I thought I was leaning on God for strength and trusting God for the outcome, the stress in my body was overtaking me. When we believe God and truly know He will do what He says He will do, then we don't have to fear the outcome. It was clear that I was still holding on to the fear. It is a very normal and human response to feel afraid when a family member is going through a dire health situation. But God is always in control, and I remained prayerful, and kept giving my fear over to Him. It was a conscious choice every day to continue to trust God and keep believing for the healing and restoration of my family member. Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. It was clear that I was allowing this new stressful situation to jump on top of the heap of other pressing situations I was already trying to manage on my own. I was choosing to take on all of this worry myself instead of stopping to pray first. It's a common mistake of mine. I get so caught up in my long list of things going on and before I know it I am overwhelmed and then something big happens and I begin to spiral. I'm really getting tired of this! But I already know the solution... 

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know. Just like it is a choice to lose my mind over life situations, it is also a choice to gather myself and pray about them. There is a chain of command in life, and God is at the top of the chain. When many things are going on in and around our lives that are beyond our control, we have to know that God will use it for our refinement. Job 23:10 He knows the way I take; when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. He sees the beginning and the end, and nothing that happens to us is a surprise to Him. We have the choice to trust Him, listen to Him, and allow Him to give us the strength we need to endure every trial we will encounter in this life. We may not know what's coming, but we can count on Who will be there with us every step of the way. 

 I would be remiss if I didn't mention the most important choice of all. Many still believe that God forces Himself on them. They are still picturing God as a demanding, angry ogre in the sky that carries a lightning bolt, ready to strike them down. One thing I would want them to know is that it is always a personal choice to follow God. He doesn't go where He isn't invited, and by that I mean He wants to be willingly invited into our hearts. We were created with the ability to choose LOTS of things, including the ability to choose or not to choose to follow or believe in the One who created us. Isn't that just wild? We can accept or not accept the salvation that He offers. God gave all the men and women of the Bible choices. Some followed Him and some did not. Deuteronomy 30:19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 

I take comfort in knowing that my relationship with the Lord is a choice I make on my own. One in which the consequence defines the daily benefits! John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. And even that choice comes with its complications in this messy world, but we can endure that too. 

Toxic Relief

 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 

James 3:16

I wrote about comparing ourselves to others in my post of March 25th. (None Can Compare) One of the reasons I addressed this is because part of the reason people can't extend compassion or love to others is because they can't get past their own issues. They are so busy with their own goals and their own selfish competitiveness that they can get pulled in the wrong direction. They become envious when they start coveting what others have. They become competitive when they fight for what others are attaining. To do so is to follow the direction of the devil, to put it simply. James 3:14-15 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. To think we are exempt from this is to be naive. We are all capable of becoming these people, especially because we live in a fallen world. We fail every day, probably multiple times, because we have an innate selfish desire. That's pretty hard to admit, but we do. Galatians 5:17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. The good news is that we have the advantage of listening and following the leading of the Holy Spirit, which opposes our selfish feelings, so that we can tell the difference. But we still have to have the DESIRE to do so, and therein lies the problem. If all we decide to do is continue giving in to every self-serving feeling we have, we will continue to follow our fleshly desires and find disorder at the end of it. 

People who recklessly live in this way can eventually come to be known as "hurting people hurt people" due to all the lashings they give out, and the general uneasiness felt in their presence. If you haven't heard that saying yet, it genuinely makes me cringe when I hear it. Sometimes it gets used as an easy excuse for why people act in the careless way they do. However true it may be, the truth bomb that exists with this phrase is that some people who wear this phrase like a medal can also come to be known as "toxic." While I am compassionate toward genuine pain and anguish, this is not what I am referring to. I am referring to the lack of self-awareness of inflicting their own personal pain onto others, and the person who is not doing the internal work to heal from those wounds. Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.  It is true that when we are hurting on the inside, we can become like an open sore on the outside and also very self-focused. Everything anyone says can seem like a direct hit. So of course, any word of correction, however gently spoken, is going to hurt like a teacher's wooden paddle with those big ole holes in it. Any type of help offered is going to seem like an intrusion of their pity party instead of a genuine desire to see that person healed of their constant misery. It's not a sin to feel pain and emotional hurts, but we can become in danger of sinning when we don't allow God to heal us of our pain and we begin hurting others with it. While I cringe at the phrase, it is true. Hurting people really do tend to hurt other people. 

I've wallowed. I get it. It's not a great place to park! Woe, oh woe, is me! Thank God I had someone speaking firm truth into me and reminding me to keep my focus on the Lord and not my problem. Did I want it to come packaged a little more warm and fuzzy? Probably, but in the end, I learned that warm and fuzzy wasn't getting me healed, and having God's Truth in my face was. We don't like to hear truth sometimes. It makes us defensive and mad, and the messenger often gets judged, shot down, criticized, and eliminated altogether. Self-pity makes us prideful and foolish. That's why the devil wants to keep us there. Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. If someone who cares about you (that part matters) is telling you a God Truth (this part also matters) for your healing, it's because they want to see you LIVE. We would be wise to listen. I'm not here to judge the pain of others or lump all pain in one big box. I am always speaking from a place of personal experience, and since I'm not unique, I believe others may relate. Remember, the devil would have us in a constant state of disorder. None of us is exempt from this. Not Christians and not nice, kind, well-meaning people. Perhaps those are the biggest targets of all. 

We don't always want to do what is right, even when we know the difference. We know we shouldn't be indulging in certain conduct, but even as we sense the Spirit of God starting to shut us down, we keep on going. We gossip, we throw a tantrum, we criticize, we ridicule, we unfairly judge, we withhold love, confuse, ignore, and a whole host of other toxic behaviors. The choices fall in what we do after we've done this. And what if we are being hurt by toxic behaviors? It seems that anger is a point of reference when relating to toxicity in the Bible. Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Why are we so angry with others? Angry with ourselves, maybe? Life in general? I don't know, but it does seem that God desires that we heal from it so that we are able to forgive and keep it moving.

Toxic people in our lives can be used by the enemy to tear us down. They can be in our own families. They can be bosses, spouses, friends, or other close acquaintances. And while some people are just bothersome (us included at times), toxic people are those who continuously affect us negatively or harmfully to the point of dragging our spirits down. The person may not respond well to conversation or confrontation, and disregards your feelings altogether, leaving you without a choice but to walk away. Luke 6:28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. While love is always the best option, sometimes distance is the healthiest one. Only God can heal hurting people who hurt people. Every situation requires a different response, but God is always the solution. 

When we have been or are the toxic person, we need to first want to change. Ironically, a toxic person becomes toxic due to their lack of a desire to grow or change. We then need to repent for our misdeeds and apologize. Becoming aware that we are the problem is having to become humble, which is not always easy for a person who has been going off the rails for awhile. Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. We need to ask God to point out the behaviors that need to change in us, and then we can start getting healthy. Romans 8:2-3 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering 

That may involve setting new boundaries and learning new relationship skills, but what it will definitely require is to focus those new relationship skills on getting to know the Lord. God will show us how to give and receive, instead of always be so self-focused. He will teach us to lead with compassion and heart instead of envy and self-ambition. He will show us to lead with patience and love, instead of frustration and annoyance. God is patient with us. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. This is a relationship that won't give up on us, but He also wants us to treat all of our relationships better. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. When we build an honest relationship with God, He will remove our confusion and replace it with wisdom. We can become the humble and kind people that others will gravitate toward. It is possible to change from a toxic person to a healthy one when we sincerely desire to change and invite God into the process. 1 John 1:9-10 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 

One thing I know is that you can't make another person want to change, no matter how much you care. Even if you love them or think you know what would help them. You can only change yourself. You can't make another person want to live, let alone live a joyful life. You can only choose to live your own life and be joyful, despite the gloom and doom around you. One of the sayings I hear a lot is "It is what it is," and I don't think it's actually true unless we're talking about a tangible object. It may be a circumstance or a person can appear a certain way, but we have a choice whether or not we subject ourselves to it or accept it. It objectively may be "what it is," but we decide if it becomes a truth in our lives. It seems to me that when we give up or give in due to complacency or fear of change, we also decide that we're going to tolerate the outcome as well. God does not want that for us. He especially doesn't want us in relationships or situations that hurt our hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits that He so lovingly created on purpose for a purpose. Matthew 22:37 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... When we do this and we become who this will make us into, we will no longer surrender to the condition of "it is what it is," whatever that may be. We don't have to succumb to toxicity or the behaviors that lead to it. We can live blessed lives and become the blessings we are meant to be. 

My Choice to Forgive

 To err is human, to forgive divine -Alexander Pope 

The concept of forgiveness is an interesting and perplexing one. I've been looking to gain some more insight on why some people choose not to forgive, and others seem to be able to in seemingly impossible situations. The fact that forgiveness is a choice gives me a clue as to the power that it holds. When I think of forgiveness, I also think of love. We love people not because they are always on their best behavior and making us happy. We choose love in those times when our emotions are all over the place and not to be trusted. People are fickle. They make mistakes and don't keep promises. They let us down and sometimes cause irreparable harm. We are those same "people" doing those same things to others. Sometimes we are the forgivers and sometimes we are the one in need of forgiveness. But love and forgiveness both require the same thing–a conscious choice. 

There will most likely not be a day that we suddenly "feel" like forgiving someone who hurt us. So we must choose to, just like the days we choose to love long after the warm and fuzzy feelings of new love wear off. Forgiveness means something different to each person, because everyone has a different story to tell. I have written about this topic more times than I can count, and I still discover new things about myself each time I'm faced with it. Why is it so hard to wrap our heads around forgiveness? Psalm 103:8-12 The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Forgiveness is often seen as a divine gift, because it takes a Godly effort in order to do it. With God's grace, we are able to be forgiven for our own sins, and because of that, we can forgive others. Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. In other words, we are all sinners in need of God's forgiveness. 

Many people in the research I found attached forgiveness to acceptance. "Why should I forgive someone who isn't sorry?" came up over and over. "No one should ever give up their power by forgiving someone who keeps hurting them over and over!" was another popular response. "Grey rocking is the only way to show them who's boss!" seems to be the new way to "get back" at the narcissists who hurt them. (grey rocking is when you disengage or act indifferently so that someone will lose interest and stop bothering you) But the problem with all of those methods is they all require so much self-control to maintain them. The main theme throughout them is you have to stay in some form of anger, resentment, bitterness, or negative emotion. They also require action from the other person. I can say from experience that if you're waiting for an apology, changed behavior, or to "win" at anything with someone who hurt you, you're just wasting more precious time. Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. To keep being angry requires thought, passion, stress, and a constant watch over your shoulder to see if the person who hurt you is around. As justified as we may feel at the time, holding the offense over the other person will never make us more right and them more wrong. We just end up more wounded by our own bitterness because we don't allow ourselves to heal.  I know that's not a popular opinion, based on the things I've heard and seen. We sometimes have a strong sense of justice that says others need to pay for what they've done, or it's not fair if they are getting away with hurting us. All of those things may very well be true, however, they won't be solved with unforgiveness. Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. God sees what has been done to us, and in due time will make it right if we trust in Him. 

I could tell you story after story about my own unforgiveness journeys and how wrong I handled them. These days, we hear a lot about people being offended and who is doing the offending, but we don't see a lot of those stories being resolved. That's the problem. Somehow we think our strength is in holding on to what has been done to us, and the weakness lies in letting go of it. But we need to look at this God's way. Just because we let go of the offense, it doesn't mean it never happened, or we've forgotten it. I'm grateful that not only does God forgive us, but He also forgets. Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. In my own examples, replaying the words over and over just kept me in a cyclone of anger and bitterness, and I couldn't move on. I kept getting sucked into it like a tornado and my feelings were being flung around like debris, not caring who they hit. Being unforgiving kept me in a state of carelessness and self-serving sadness. Holding grudges and waiting for justice just kept me stuck. Romans 12:17-18 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  When we give our offenses to God first, we can avoid a whole lot of personal tornadoes! God will help us forgive in the hardest places, because He's in the business of healing our broken hearts. 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. In my case, I had to keep handing it to God over and over, because I was hard-headed and prideful. Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Yes, even when someone has done something terrible to us, we can get out of hand if we're not careful. Part of me was just wanting to be RIGHT! Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you–for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.  But I could hear God saying to me, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be at peace?" It's a choice. 

Why does forgiveness start with love? Because love keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5) Colossians 3:13-14 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. We don't have to like the person we are forgiving. We don't even have to maintain a relationship with them. We aren't even forgiving them for their benefit. But when we let go of the resentments we've been carrying toward them, we free ourselves of the burden of them. That person doesn't even ever need to know you forgave them in order for this to be healing for us. I think the misconception people have is that the person doing the hurting is going to get some kind of satisfaction from being forgiven. In some cases that could be correct if they are truly remorseful, but if they aren't, it won't matter to them if you forgive them or not. Again, it's not about winning anything, or even who is more right and who's more wrong. It's about peace. 

People have asked me for forgiveness, and I didn't even know what had been done to warrant it. We'd never even had words before. We don't know what is going on in other people's hearts at any given time, which is why we are to put on love instead of judgment. Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. I didn't question their request and simply gave them my forgiveness. I did so with love, because it felt like love when it was brought to me, regardless of their reason. 

Forgiving someone who hurt you deeply is a choice, just like loving that person is or was a choice. It's difficult sometimes, because as I've experienced, sometimes a person continues to hurt you while you're still in the process of forgiving them. People can be prideful (cough cough...me) and they don't want to admit fault, sometimes they aren't sorry at all, or they don't even know you (a public figure, rude stranger, etc...). Like I said, forgiveness stories are different for everyone. I called on God many times to help me, because in my humanness, I kept taking the offense back. I kept feeling the emotions that kept me trapped. I would rewind and re-watch the scenes over and over, trying to find meaning. Just when I thought I was "over" the offense, I would start feeling angry all over again. Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. God understands our fickle human hearts because He created them. Romans 5:6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. When we live in God's grace, we will extend this same compassion to others, giving and receiving love and forgiveness as God intends.