Toxic Relief

 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 

James 3:16

I wrote about comparing ourselves to others in my post of March 25th. (None Can Compare) One of the reasons I addressed this is because part of the reason people can't extend compassion or love to others is because they can't get past their own issues. They are so busy with their own goals and their own selfish competitiveness that they can get pulled in the wrong direction. They become envious when they start coveting what others have. They become competitive when they fight for what others are attaining. To do so is to follow the direction of the devil, to put it simply. James 3:14-15 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. To think we are exempt from this is to be naive. We are all capable of becoming these people, especially because we live in a fallen world. We fail every day, probably multiple times, because we have an innate selfish desire. That's pretty hard to admit, but we do. Galatians 5:17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. The good news is that we have the advantage of listening and following the leading of the Holy Spirit, which opposes our selfish feelings, so that we can tell the difference. But we still have to have the DESIRE to do so, and therein lies the problem. If all we decide to do is continue giving in to every self-serving feeling we have, we will continue to follow our fleshly desires and find disorder at the end of it. 

People who recklessly live in this way can eventually come to be known as "hurting people hurt people" due to all the lashings they give out, and the general uneasiness felt in their presence. If you haven't heard that saying yet, it genuinely makes me cringe when I hear it. Sometimes it gets used as an easy excuse for why people act in the careless way they do. However true it may be, the truth bomb that exists with this phrase is that some people who wear this phrase like a medal can also come to be known as "toxic." While I am compassionate toward genuine pain and anguish, this is not what I am referring to. I am referring to the lack of self-awareness of inflicting their own personal pain onto others, and the person who is not doing the internal work to heal from those wounds. Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.  It is true that when we are hurting on the inside, we can become like an open sore on the outside and also very self-focused. Everything anyone says can seem like a direct hit. So of course, any word of correction, however gently spoken, is going to hurt like a teacher's wooden paddle with those big ole holes in it. Any type of help offered is going to seem like an intrusion of their pity party instead of a genuine desire to see that person healed of their constant misery. It's not a sin to feel pain and emotional hurts, but we can become in danger of sinning when we don't allow God to heal us of our pain and we begin hurting others with it. While I cringe at the phrase, it is true. Hurting people really do tend to hurt other people. 

I've wallowed. I get it. It's not a great place to park! Woe, oh woe, is me! Thank God I had someone speaking firm truth into me and reminding me to keep my focus on the Lord and not my problem. Did I want it to come packaged a little more warm and fuzzy? Probably, but in the end, I learned that warm and fuzzy wasn't getting me healed, and having God's Truth in my face was. We don't like to hear truth sometimes. It makes us defensive and mad, and the messenger often gets judged, shot down, criticized, and eliminated altogether. Self-pity makes us prideful and foolish. That's why the devil wants to keep us there. Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. If someone who cares about you (that part matters) is telling you a God Truth (this part also matters) for your healing, it's because they want to see you LIVE. We would be wise to listen. I'm not here to judge the pain of others or lump all pain in one big box. I am always speaking from a place of personal experience, and since I'm not unique, I believe others may relate. Remember, the devil would have us in a constant state of disorder. None of us is exempt from this. Not Christians and not nice, kind, well-meaning people. Perhaps those are the biggest targets of all. 

We don't always want to do what is right, even when we know the difference. We know we shouldn't be indulging in certain conduct, but even as we sense the Spirit of God starting to shut us down, we keep on going. We gossip, we throw a tantrum, we criticize, we ridicule, we unfairly judge, we withhold love, confuse, ignore, and a whole host of other toxic behaviors. The choices fall in what we do after we've done this. And what if we are being hurt by toxic behaviors? It seems that anger is a point of reference when relating to toxicity in the Bible. Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Why are we so angry with others? Angry with ourselves, maybe? Life in general? I don't know, but it does seem that God desires that we heal from it so that we are able to forgive and keep it moving.

Toxic people in our lives can be used by the enemy to tear us down. They can be in our own families. They can be bosses, spouses, friends, or other close acquaintances. And while some people are just bothersome (us included at times), toxic people are those who continuously affect us negatively or harmfully to the point of dragging our spirits down. The person may not respond well to conversation or confrontation, and disregards your feelings altogether, leaving you without a choice but to walk away. Luke 6:28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. While love is always the best option, sometimes distance is the healthiest one. Only God can heal hurting people who hurt people. Every situation requires a different response, but God is always the solution. 

When we have been or are the toxic person, we need to first want to change. Ironically, a toxic person becomes toxic due to their lack of a desire to grow or change. We then need to repent for our misdeeds and apologize. Becoming aware that we are the problem is having to become humble, which is not always easy for a person who has been going off the rails for awhile. Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. We need to ask God to point out the behaviors that need to change in us, and then we can start getting healthy. Romans 8:2-3 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering 

That may involve setting new boundaries and learning new relationship skills, but what it will definitely require is to focus those new relationship skills on getting to know the Lord. God will show us how to give and receive, instead of always be so self-focused. He will teach us to lead with compassion and heart instead of envy and self-ambition. He will show us to lead with patience and love, instead of frustration and annoyance. God is patient with us. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. This is a relationship that won't give up on us, but He also wants us to treat all of our relationships better. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. When we build an honest relationship with God, He will remove our confusion and replace it with wisdom. We can become the humble and kind people that others will gravitate toward. It is possible to change from a toxic person to a healthy one when we sincerely desire to change and invite God into the process. 1 John 1:9-10 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 

One thing I know is that you can't make another person want to change, no matter how much you care. Even if you love them or think you know what would help them. You can only change yourself. You can't make another person want to live, let alone live a joyful life. You can only choose to live your own life and be joyful, despite the gloom and doom around you. One of the sayings I hear a lot is "It is what it is," and I don't think it's actually true unless we're talking about a tangible object. It may be a circumstance or a person can appear a certain way, but we have a choice whether or not we subject ourselves to it or accept it. It objectively may be "what it is," but we decide if it becomes a truth in our lives. It seems to me that when we give up or give in due to complacency or fear of change, we also decide that we're going to tolerate the outcome as well. God does not want that for us. He especially doesn't want us in relationships or situations that hurt our hearts, bodies, minds, and spirits that He so lovingly created on purpose for a purpose. Matthew 22:37 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... When we do this and we become who this will make us into, we will no longer surrender to the condition of "it is what it is," whatever that may be. We don't have to succumb to toxicity or the behaviors that lead to it. We can live blessed lives and become the blessings we are meant to be.