Where To Begin

 Where to begin....

I've been absent but present in my own world, and it seems that world has been spinning at a speed I can't control. We lost Steve's dad in November, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and with that, it seems more and more loss trickles in. There are always secondary losses when you lose a parent or anyone significant in the family. I've experienced this, and it doesn't get any easier. Grief doesn't get any easier either. I've said it with every loss–pain is pain. It's indescribable and there's no easy way around it. Even with God, grief is a difficult process. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. My own father passed 8 years ago today. I am grateful he knew the Lord and I miss him every day. 

As I've gotten older, I've had this feeling that time is slipping away and my grasp on this time is getting looser and looser. It's a feeling that words fail to touch. Try as I may, I can't seem to describe it, only to say I close my eyes at night and all of these thoughts and memories become overwhelmingly claustrophobic. They swirl around like a film in flash mode, stream out my eyes in hot pools, and thus begins a nostalgic journey I can't escape. Friendships, families, neighborhoods, children–everything that once felt secure and safe now feels like it could change or be gone in the blink of an eye–because it can and it is. I suppose change kind of fits on a grief scale of sorts. We can grieve the way things used to be, grieve lost friendships, relationships, old places, good times had, maybe even our old good health and fun activities. With change comes a lot of unexpected emotions. 2 Peter 3:8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. Yes, you can grieve things that haven't passed away, that is for sure. They are suspended in some kind of weird time phase that no longer exists, yet stay in our hearts, longing to thrive again. I would apologize for that weird moment of melancholy, but I do write poetry, so it's just my nature. 

"Everything is changing." I hear that phrase so often. I've come to believe it's a phrase filled with fear–because what we've come to know has become unpredictable.  We don't like the unknown, and the unknown is usually the enemy.  I said just the other day that I've become hypervigilant–always on edge and waiting for the next "thing" to happen. I wasn't always like this. I used to be more carefree, didn't I? Didn't it used to seem like things were always the same for the longest time? I think that's the problem with relying on those rose-colored glasses we wear when looking at the past. Things may always seem better or happier, but if you picked me up and plopped me back in high school in the 80's, I wouldn't truly be as happy as I say I would be! Maybe just for a millisecond, but I would beg to come right back! I have to say there are days I look back on that did seem much less strife-filled, and I'm wondering if there will ever be a return to that or if this feeling just gets worse. It's kind of a case of "is it me (my perception) or is it the world (really this bad)?" Well, God tells us not to entertain the past. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

God is telling us if we are fixated on the past, we won't see the new things or new ways ahead. We are going to trip on all the old stuff. This is why it is so important for me to keep myself grounded in the present time. One exercise I've recently begun doing is saying, "I'm all right, right now." Regardless of what happened yesterday and what could happen tomorrow, at this present moment in time, I am okay. I am grateful, I am cared for, and I am loved. I am thankful for sweet memories, and grateful for today. I will not worry about tomorrow. It's not as easy as it sounds for someone who thinks and overthinks as much as I do! Hence, the reason I have to set my mind to do it. 

There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus. –Blaise Pascal 

My faith in God is what keeps me looking ahead, even when these fears threaten me in the middle of the night. It's what frees me when I've gotten stuck in a heavy, melancholic loop of thinking and can't sleep. I've crushed those thoughts with, "But thank you, Lord, that I knew that person....you put that person in my path, my neighborhood, my life, my family...if even for a short time. Thank you...Thank you for working this problem out even if I can't see the solution yet..." Colossians 2:7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. When I answer my momentary sadness, confusion or grief with GRATITUDE, it gets replaced with a comforting peace that I cannot find on my own. 

 Not only can we have our own "stuff" we are dealing with, but we can sometimes  feel the "stuff" of the people we love, and the stuff of who I call the "unknown" in my prayer journal–the world, people I see out and about but don't know, and things happening around me that need prayer. I've learned that I can't carry the baggage of others, so to speak,  but I can care and give it to God to carry it. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. This is why watching the news or scrolling social media can become a problem for people who think they have to "fix" everything. Instead of taking on the burdens of the world that we can't possibly carry, we have to pray and ask God which one (if any) of those things He appoints us to help in, and give the rest over to Him. It's sometimes a little hard to admit that we aren't picked for every cause (cuz egos, right?), but it's also a relief to know that we don't have to fix every problem that we see. We can pray about it instead, trusting that God has the solution, because He does. 

"Worrywart, anxious, hypervigilant.." They all have the same thing in common–fear. I know I'm not alone in having bouts of fear. This is why "fear not" is mentioned so many times in the Bible! 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. If I am fearful, it's not coming from God!  Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. If I become fearful, I am to look to God for my strength and help. If I'm thinking I have to do it all, be it all, fix it all, no wonder I can become an anxious, hypervigilant mess! It's true that even as we pray for help, bad things can still happen because we live in a fallen world full of imperfect people. But we have to believe that even through some of these bad things, good will come, and our purposes will prevail, because that is what He tells us. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. All things–even the tough things we go through. Most importantly, though we may feel alone, we won't BE alone if we trust the Lord with the circumstances we go through in life. 

These are tough things to talk about, in light of what others are going through in this big world full of troubles. I know there are plenty of people who are suffering worse than me. I've always said that though someone else has it worse than us, it's okay to express your pain, and I say that still today. God cares about our pain, no matter what that pain is. We can always go to Him with our concerns. God does not compare your details to those of another. That's a human failing. Acts 10:34 In truth, I see that God shows no partiality. Rather, in every nation whoever fears him and acts uprightly is acceptable to him. God is omnipresent–present to all in every place and time. Psalm 145:18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 

Think about this–everything really is changing. 

Here's the good news: God told us we were going to change, and even hoped we would! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! He told us to expect change: Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot...And that even if we face challenging times, He gives us reassurance: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Best of all, we know that God never changes. He is always the same! Malachi 3:6 "I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. God is the One we can count on to never change and to get us through these changes in our lives. 

Part of the fear of change is that we begin to lose hope. I believe it's because we tied our hope into the things that are fleeting or don't last forever. We put our faith in things or in people who we believe are going to be our saving grace or the one thing or person that can change the direction of things. I see this in politics a lot, but it can also be seen in our relationships or in the things we purchase. Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans. We have to be really careful when resenting change that we aren't part of the problem. Have we put too much of our hope and faith and reliance on our relationships and things and then found ourselves empty when those things begin to disappear? I think that's a warning to us all to be very aware of the source of our comfort or what we consider to be a "solution." Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. May we fill the God-shaped vacuum in our hearts with Him and Him alone, and trust Him with the changes in our lives. When our hearts are full of God, we will be able to handle everything that comes our way-past, present, and future. 

A Character that Reveals

 When you love your enemies, 

you reveal what kind of God 

our God is. 

I was thinking today about how stubborn we are as people sometimes. Oh, I know...probably not you, it's just me! When we get our knickers in a knot about something, we just can't let it go, and it threatens our very peace. It's ridiculous, really. It only takes a few of those "knots" before I find myself all twisted up about everything, and suddenly I find myself pretty worked up. The complicated part of this is when we get worked up about people–especially people in our own circles. This is how petty arguments, grudges, and sometimes complete ice-outs start. We then wonder, "how did this start?" Well, it's usually a combination of us, us, and a little of them. 

I was reading something today that said, "Remember the concept of 'enemy' is not a permanent state but a temporary position." In further explanation it went on to say, "those who persecute us today may, in God's grace, become those who protect us tomorrow." Think of Paul, who went from an enemy of Christians to a great preacher! Because we are transformed by the love of God, by his grace, we will not stuck being in a permanent state of anything bad, negative, or adverse if we allow ourselves to be changed. Can you imagine harnessing the power of the most evil person you can think of today and having it instead be used for good? That's our guy Paul, loosely described. That's what happens when we allow God to have and use every bit of us, past and present. 

I was struck by those words, "temporary enemy." When I wrote "Butterflies in Bloom" in the book, Thoughts From a Friend, co-written with my dear friend Norm Sawyer, these types of changes are what I was referring to. We can transform from an enemy to a friend by the choice we make in our hearts to walk with the Lord and trust Him with our lives. We don't have to always be known by the persecution we've brought onto ourselves or to others. Every bit can be transformed into something good and useful in God's hands. 

1 Corinthians 1:26-29 Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of this world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not–to nullify the things that are, so that no one could boast before him.

It would be so easy to judge, argue, fight, and ice people out if all we did was watch the news all day or scroll social media and decide to point fingers at who we agree with and who we think are wrong. But that isn't what God commanded us to do, and we are falling short when we reduce ourselves to this temporary position. The world and all of its issues is temporary. Even our opinions are, if you think about it! 

But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:27-28

Love your enemies and do what? Do the impossible, it seems, right? How did Jesus love us when we are/were His enemies? Good question, and I'm not sure at my level of spirituality I even have the best answers, but He loves me right where I'm at. He loves me when I'm being a messy mess, and He loves me when I'm doing everything to be a loving, encouraging woman of God. He loves me when I am not doing what I should, and He loves me when I am. He died for me when I was wrong and making a mess. Romans 5:8-9 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. By doing so, He teaches me that I don't have any business judging other people's messes. It sure is easier than loving them, isn't it? Well, we think it is. That's the hard human part of us. Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Ouch!  Peace comes when we stop trying to change everyone else and we start learning how to love, in spite of it all.  

I don't get to decide that "today I am the judge of so and so" because I saw what you posted on "such and such." No. Because there either was a day or will be a day when WE are someone else's "enemy." There will also be a day when that person or we will be the protector. When we choose to be understanding and compassionate instead of judgmental, we will be able to love our enemies the way God does. Maybe I'm still in my "Pollyanna Era," but I do believe we are stronger when we work together for a common goal. But we all have to want that same goal too. 

We are transformed by the love of God and by the example of Jesus that He set for us. Will it be easy? Nothing about being a part of this imperfect world is easy, but we can be a part of it that shows the world the character and the love of Jesus. 

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even while we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5

Remembering the Professor

  He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. 

Micah 6:8 

I frequently peruse the obituary section of my local paper. Don't ask me why–it's always been a habit of mine. If I ever come across my name in there, I'll let you know. A few weeks ago I came across the obituary of someone whose face was vaguely familiar. I looked at the name, and something jostled in my memory. I toggled the recesses of my mind and stared into his warm brown face with the gentle brown eyes, and it came to me. This was my Honors Political Science professor from college. I hadn't seen him since my first semester of school, when I walked into his class as a young teenager.

The memories of his class came flooding back. Not so much all of the lessons, though I shocked myself into receiving better grades than I ever had in my high school Government class. This class–this soft-spoken professor–had piqued my curiosity and I found a place in me that began to grow in knowledge, not just regurgitate useless information from an old textbook. He loved students and teaching, and it showed in his eagerness to share his wealth of information.  I had struggled with learning at different times throughout school, but had discovered my learning style and my confidence in college and it showed in the new grades I had been earning. I mentioned that the class was honors because I found that the smaller class and more hands-on, conversational and focused learning was what helped me to excel. 

This class also happened to take place during my first year as a registered voter, and I had not really paid attention to or cared much for political topics before, other than Jimmy Carter (and daughter Amy) was my favorite and he liked peanuts!  Sure, I heard my parents talking and I knew where they stood on candidates, but I had my own mind, and I was new to the world in many ways, having just stepped into college as a fresh adult.  I really wanted to honor that part of myself that was curious–about people, about issues, about the world, and where my place was in all of it. If I was going to vote, it would be my vote–not just what my parents believed (unless I agreed, of course!). 

When my professor spoke on the upcoming election, I began to learn something very important about him, and it's something I've never forgotten my whole life. He said at the beginning of our August term, in his low, soft Spanish accent, that we would never learn what his "political leaning" was. We would learn instead about more important things. And he stuck to it. Not once could we detect a favoring of one side or another, nor did he judge, cheer, or sneer toward any student who did. Not so much as a blink or sniffle when strong opinions came flying from the back of the classroom! We all joked, trying to figure it out, but we never did! I came to find a true comfort in this kind of presence and indulged myself in it, knowing that this was the way people should conduct themselves when wanting others to learn, and more importantly, to listen. I was so young, yet I look back now and I know that his example colored everything I believe today about getting along with others when it comes to the delicate subjects in life. (I didn't say I was successful at it...yet)

They will be celebrating his life later this month. As I read further in his obituary, I learned more about this man who was responsible for shaping my political mindset. This is just one paragraph of several that described him:

"This look at --'s life would not be complete, though, without mentioning his dedication and passion for self-governance and the assurance of due process. It didn't matter to him who was right or wrong, on the same side as he was or not—ensuring due process was the critical procedure for sorting it out. Justice and fairness throughout everything from life at the college to life in the United States had to include due process. He taught it, and he practiced it whenever he could. This dedication was absolutely the lawyer, the professor, and the humanitarian rolled into one ethic." 

His long career was marked by several awards and positions, however, he will never know the impact he had on each one of his young students like me. 

It's another election year, and I'm long past my teenage years. I'm remembering the past few elections and how tumultuous they've been, and how I haven't always been able to "professor" my way through them with a gentle presence. We are facing yet another difficult election year, and continue to be a divided land in many ways. I'm curious about how he handled the things America has faced, and what he would have said from an American's just and fair point of view. I can only search out this definition for myself with the application of his legacy, and combine it with the practice of God's application of love and grace. My mentor, Norm, reminds me of this every time I get upended over something going on in the world. Psalm 118:8 It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  We can't control the actions and reactions of others, and we certainly can't control what happens in the world, but we can control ourselves and we can trust God. 

When I think about this in a "big picture" sense, I think about what is most important. When someone reads my obituary one day, what do I want to be remembered by? Is it how I influenced people to vote, or is it how I influenced people to love or live in harmony with one another? And if it's the latter, how can I apply love and peace to everything and everyone, every single day until the day I die? Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.