I've noticed that when a situation comes knocking at my door and help has been requested of me, I have to be prepared in advance of my words and my actions. I have to know who I am, be who I am, and not just act as I think I should. I am not perfect, by any means, but I don't want to give bad direction. I don't want to react emotionally, speak out of turn, be impatient with my words, or give useless information. Most of all, I want to be the best representation of Christ that I can be. When someone asks me for help in an area where I have previously struggled, I want to know that I am offering godly advice, and that I have experienced significant healing in that area so that I can be truly helpful and not be a stumbling block to them. Colossians 3:16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. Keeping the Word of God in me is healing, but it especially helps me offer words that are wise and helpful. Better than any I could come up with on my own. I've failed too many times, doing just that.
There are too many times that someone shares something they have experienced with another person, and that information was mishandled. It was overshared, taken to social media, turned into a nasty text or letter, or gossiped about at the local diner. Tell me, what do any of those things actually solve? I'll tell you—nothing, but they sure stir up a whole lot of new problems and involve even more people. What a mess! 2 Timothy 2:23-24 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
Kindness and grace go a long way, don't they? At least we hope they do if they are implemented. It's the good stuff that keeps us out of harm's way. Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.
Patience is peaceful, in itself. When we take a step back and realize there is no urgency, no need to be right, no need to fight, and no need to accuse, we can just wait it out. Whether we feel we have been attacked or we feel a need to confront, patience allows us to take a beat. Patience requires us to be mature, even while upset or confused, and doesn't allow mistreatment or criticism to overtake good judgment, upright character, or our integrity. Patience sounds like a perfect person, but it's not. It simply takes its time to cool us off, regroup, and choose a proper response and not a reaction. Patience isn't prideful, though, and our pride gets us into all kinds of problems. It tells us we have the right to be right and we can do and say whatever we want no matter who gets hurt. Yeah, that sounds lovely. Proverbs 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Patience allows us to make room for compassion and understanding, even when we've been treated unfairly, because we understand that when someone has acted "out of pocket" with us, they are the ones who need it.
Impatience is frustrated and demands its own way! It wants control, not righteousness. When we desire control, we don't care how we get it. We don't care who we hurt or how we go about getting our own way. When we don't slow down and ask ourselves "why am I doing this/saying this/being this way," we run the risk of making terrible decisions and hurting people for selfish reasons. Many people use this demonstration, but once you squeeze the toothpaste (nasty words) out of the tube (your mouth), you can't put it (your words) back in. It's a long road back once you've shown someone who you are; once you've said the dark words that were festering in your heart. You can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and do better, but people don't forget, and that's the hard part. Most impatient people aren't too interested in humility, which is why they continue to be frustrated all the time. Frustrated because you'll never really be "in control." Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Can you imagine what the outcome would have been had I prayed before I hit "send" or put that in the mail? I can only wonder. I was not feeling any of Galatians 5:22-23, I can tell you that!
But here is something incredible: Jesus instructed us to turn the other cheek. Matthew 5:39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. Can you imagine a world where we are so radical that we give mercy instead of demanding justice? This is the way Jesus showed us how to do good to those who hurt us. How to love while we are in the throes of a hurtful act. How to forgive, even while still burning with betrayal. How to pray for those who did the unthinkable act. Jesus was the ultimate example. Turn the other cheek. Mercy. Can you imagine that?
Listen. I've gotten stuck in my self-absorbed emotions. I've written that letter. I've sent that message. I've said the words I wish I could take back. It doesn't make me feel any better that I've been forgiven or the relationship is fine now or whatever, because I can't rewind the tape and make it disappear. When I hurt someone, I punish myself for a really long time, and I reflect on it so I don't make those same mistakes again. I won't make excuses, I won't blame, or put the responsibility on them. It's all me. When I react poorly and say the wrong thing, it's all me. If we don't admit them, learn from, and continue to grow from past mistakes, we will continue to repeat them, justify them, or blame others for them.
We have to take account for the things we say and do that affect other people. We can make excuses all we want and say we deal with self-worth issues, family issues, rejection, anxiety, depression, fear, people-pleasing, anger, etc... because those were all my excuses! But those are all prideful reasons I wouldn't admit my own faults in my behaviors. I had conflicts with myself! Those are all valid reasons to feel a certain way or struggle over things, but not excuses to hurt people. Those are not excuses to be self-absorbed and not see how we are affecting other people and not owning our own behavior. It's amazing how we can tell other people to stare into the mirror but we fail to peek in one ourselves. Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. As people, we can be real stinkers sometimes. As Stephen Covey states, "We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior." We think we're better than others, which is why we think we are in the position to judge other people by their terrible behavior and don't see the garbage we are dishing out regularly. Galatians 6: 1-5 Brothers, if someone is caught up in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.
So what should you do when someone lashes out at you unexpectedly? Friend, family, stranger, it doesn't always matter. You don't need to make sense of their messiness, analyze it, make excuses for them, accept it, argue with it, apologize for it, or even listen to it. If possible, you can delete it and block it, walk away, and go about your day with those who bring you peace. The squeaky wheel may need the grease, but sometimes it just needs a lot of prayer. God will deal with those who hurt you. Romans 12:17-19 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord. We get to choose how we react to how people treat us, and we get to choose how we treat people. We are not victims unless we choose to be. Doesn't that sound a lot more peaceful than waiting for the next attack? As Jesus instructed while being crucified, Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing." Forgive quickly and move on.
What did God intend for us as families and friends? To reflect His love, His unity, His image; to provide community, support, safety, and to find our purpose within them, among other positive things. Look around you. Are you seeing these things? Are you being these things? That is my focus. Be a blessing and not a curse to those you love.
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:19-21
