Some weeks are just more emotional than others. It's not always my state of mind I'm dealing with, but with others as well. The other day my mom asked me how much weight I'd lost and when I told her, she said nothing. Nothing! Not, "good job", "you look great", nope. And why? Because my mom loves with food. She probably feels that because I don't eat like I used to that I'm also rejecting her "love". So while I kind of had it figured out, it still bugged me.
I then received a message from a friend who felt I had pulled away from her. It bothered me, because this person hadn't contacted me either. I had lost my precious dog, was very vulnerable, and pulled away from everyone. It's just the way I deal, and truthfully, my friends should know that about me by now. I accept their goofy stuff. I guess I want to be loved and accepted too, goofy stuff and all.
I've also been dealing with a friendship that has been in danger for quite awhile, and trying to find a way to approach it. A natural "loner", I don't deal well with trusting people. I know it's a normal thing to be let down by people, but I still put the skids on when it comes to getting too close. The result? A very distant vibe from me, while on the inside, I just want the go-ahead to get close. Very goofy. I know. At least I admit it.
I'm attending a concert at a local fair this week. My niece will be opening for the main act. While that sounds pretty cool, I have never met her. I only know about her by reading about her in the paper. She's my brother's daughter. A daughter I never saw grow up, let alone sing for a huge crowd. A bit weird for me. Not sure how to process this yet.
Are you starting to maybe figure out why getting close is so foreign to me? I have lost people left and right my entire life through no fault of my own. That's what I know as "normal". When people get mad and want to step out of my life, I sometimes bristle up and let them. In fact, I'll help them to the door. Not good. A bit weird. Goofy.
At Nat's doctor's appointment, more x rays have been ordered for her spine and for her skull. She was born with a weird protrusion on her forehead, and while it's been harmless so far, I'm just covering my bases as a parent. Her spine is borderline severe, and in the future could require an extensive surgery, should we choose that route. It was a difficult conversation to have, and I felt at times the doctor was reprimanding me. After all, there are worse cases, he went on to tell me. I'm sorry. God didn't give me those cases. He gave me hers. That's the one I need to worry about, though I care about everyone's battle. Why do I need to feel guilty about that?
Her acne is still persisting, though we've spent hundreds of dollars on treatment. She is frustrated. We are frustrated. Yes, it's just acne, I know. But it's our battle. When your kid hurts, you hurt. It's just the way it is. While she's healthy, happy, and well adjusted, her emotions sometimes get the better of her too, and guess who is there? Mom. A mom who takes it all on. Hers. My mom. My friends. My sick brother. My disconnected family. Doctors. Bills. Life. Husband's job stress. Missing my dog. And on and on.
Though my emotions don't always dominate the whole day, I do spend a small amount of time each day telling God what's bugging me. I then move on about my day with a new strength. It doesn't take the pain away, but it provides just the emotional rescue I need.
Go ahead. Press "interesting". But I'm pressing "right on sista" today.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Ahhh..the Joy of Parenting...
Parenting can be so backwards. For example, when my girls were little, they were always up way too early. At that time, I needed my sleep and never seemed to get enough. They kept me running all day, busy here, busy there, never seeming to want to just rest awhile. Now that they are older, and so am I, all they want to do is sleep and all I want to do is run run run! And believe me, I don't like to wait for them to get ready. At least when they were little, I picked out their clothes, dressed them, and stuck them in the car. Now its, "where is my i-pod?", "my hair-ugh!!", "Can I borrow your shoes?", "I can't find my shoes", and on and on until I am tempted to leave without them! Imagine showing up at the orthodonist by myself because my kids aren't ready. I know, it's foolish, but most points made by parents are based in something very smart. Most of them.
While I used to complain about all the messes they made with toys and books, now the messes are much more complex. Have you been in a tweenage girls bathroom lately? Ugh! And those bedrooms....how can they get so messy so fast? It used to take us minutes to pick up toys and books when they were toddlers. We're talking HOURS to clean some monumental messes now. While I'm sure their eyes were perfectly normal when they were 5, now they seem to roll back in their heads when they're asked to work. They think I don't see this strange dysfunction, but oh, I do. And I remember those rolly eyes when they ask ME for something.
And so the battles have begun. The tween vs. the teen. The duo against the parents. I knew it would happen eventually, and it's quite normal, I suppose. The newly found independence, the newly found knowledge...what to do with it all? Drive your parents crazy. That's what I say about all that hoopla. I warn them frequently, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing. I was once young too. I drove my parents crazy, and your dad was a real stinker to his. We can handle you, so just watch out!" And as usual, it's met with their usual response...
Eye roll. Snicker. And the classic retreat up to their rooms to once again conspire against the very life-givers who would give up their lives for them over and over.
Stinkers.
While I used to complain about all the messes they made with toys and books, now the messes are much more complex. Have you been in a tweenage girls bathroom lately? Ugh! And those bedrooms....how can they get so messy so fast? It used to take us minutes to pick up toys and books when they were toddlers. We're talking HOURS to clean some monumental messes now. While I'm sure their eyes were perfectly normal when they were 5, now they seem to roll back in their heads when they're asked to work. They think I don't see this strange dysfunction, but oh, I do. And I remember those rolly eyes when they ask ME for something.
And so the battles have begun. The tween vs. the teen. The duo against the parents. I knew it would happen eventually, and it's quite normal, I suppose. The newly found independence, the newly found knowledge...what to do with it all? Drive your parents crazy. That's what I say about all that hoopla. I warn them frequently, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing. I was once young too. I drove my parents crazy, and your dad was a real stinker to his. We can handle you, so just watch out!" And as usual, it's met with their usual response...
Eye roll. Snicker. And the classic retreat up to their rooms to once again conspire against the very life-givers who would give up their lives for them over and over.
Stinkers.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sweet Temptation
Are you bored with my food posts yet? Well, I don't blame you at all. Since my computer stopped letting me post pictures (mysteriously, I might add), it's just not as much fun to post about food or nature. And the nature around here is fantastic! I take lots of pictures and can post not one. Not happy!!
Yesterday we picked the raspberries and for the first time since planting them, I had enough for a pie!! I added a cup of blackberries (also a good crop this year)too. I made homemade crust (is there any other?) and sprinkled it with sugar, just like my Gram used to do on her raspberry pie. I even forked the edges just like grandma, instead of my usual "fluted" edge. I wish you could smell my kitchen right now! It's heavenly.
I come from a long line of pie bakers, and an even longer line of pie eaters. For my brother's birthday Monday night, mom baked up 3 different flavors of pie, including my brother's favorite, custard. It's funny how the siblings all have different flavors, and we don't care for each other's at all! So funny, and so effectively smart, I'd say. Tim, my 50 year old brother absolutely can't stand raspberry pie. Oooh...the seeds...so sour...ewwwe...can't stand it!! Mom doesn't like Lori's favorite, which is blueberry. In fact, mom doesn't like blueberries much at all! Dad's favorite is mincemeat, and no one touches it but Dad. See, smart!! Mom also makes Lori's second favorite, Pineapple cream, which is safe from me! Jeff...hmmm...does he even like pie? Oh, he's a strawberry cheesecake fan. That's not safe from any of us.
My favorite? It's a toss up between pumpkin, apple, blueberry, raspberry, cherry, lemon meringue, chocolate cream...um, you can see where I'm going with this!
Sweet temptation. That's the phrase of the day, as I try not to devour more than one small piece!
Yesterday we picked the raspberries and for the first time since planting them, I had enough for a pie!! I added a cup of blackberries (also a good crop this year)too. I made homemade crust (is there any other?) and sprinkled it with sugar, just like my Gram used to do on her raspberry pie. I even forked the edges just like grandma, instead of my usual "fluted" edge. I wish you could smell my kitchen right now! It's heavenly.
I come from a long line of pie bakers, and an even longer line of pie eaters. For my brother's birthday Monday night, mom baked up 3 different flavors of pie, including my brother's favorite, custard. It's funny how the siblings all have different flavors, and we don't care for each other's at all! So funny, and so effectively smart, I'd say. Tim, my 50 year old brother absolutely can't stand raspberry pie. Oooh...the seeds...so sour...ewwwe...can't stand it!! Mom doesn't like Lori's favorite, which is blueberry. In fact, mom doesn't like blueberries much at all! Dad's favorite is mincemeat, and no one touches it but Dad. See, smart!! Mom also makes Lori's second favorite, Pineapple cream, which is safe from me! Jeff...hmmm...does he even like pie? Oh, he's a strawberry cheesecake fan. That's not safe from any of us.
My favorite? It's a toss up between pumpkin, apple, blueberry, raspberry, cherry, lemon meringue, chocolate cream...um, you can see where I'm going with this!
Sweet temptation. That's the phrase of the day, as I try not to devour more than one small piece!