What I learned about life through continuous loss is that love has no boundaries. In fact, the force of pain pushes us past our own boundaries into the unknown that becomes known as love itself-raw and unhindered. Love is not a "brain" decision, but a heart-jerk movement, at least it should be if you are paying attention to the people around you.
Love isn't about conditions, judgments, and blame. It's a far-reaching, extensive stretch of our own selfless giving to another. We don't stop to think about whether or not it fits into our schedule. We don't wonder if it's the right thing to do. We don't do it out of obligation or pity. Love is a pure gift of self we give without thinking, without hesitation, and without a price or time limit. We love because we were loved first. We love because we were born with an innate capacity to love others. And we love because we really don't have a choice. When the heart moves, it's already been spoken for. All you do now is move your feet, your arms, your hands, or maybe just your fingers. However love moves you, move. If you ever stop moving, you've stopped loving. You'll know, because you'll be empty inside, wondering what on earth is missing in you.
When love is withheld, it is also felt, just as fiercely as is love shared. It will be felt by you and by anyone around you. Love is powerful. It doesn't want to be suppressed or hidden, and it doesn't want to be disguised as anything but the real thing. Real, true genuine human love for another desires to be as obvious as the sun in the sky. For love to be effective, it has to be unhindered and expressed, unafraid of what others think of it, and unaware of boundaries! Love is boundless, after all. I want to be boundless with my love.
Love can comfort pain, though it can't change the pain. I have learned that through too many funerals. It can bring new people into my life that I never imagined. Just as not-so-genuine love can move people away from me at the same time. Real, genuine love that asks for nothing in return is the most effective in healing. Love that actually asks, "how are you", and then waits for an answer, and then responds to your answer. That is love. Love keeps asking. Keeps hugging. Keeps checking. Because love can't bear for your heart to keep breaking, because your broken heart breaks theirs too. That is real, true, heartfelt love. Not just "sympathetic love", not a guilt-driven emotion, but a love that knows what another heart needs to get through another day, and reaches out to say, "I am here. "
We're all busy. We have families, jobs, schedules, in-laws, out-laws, lawns, houses, cars, and the many other "life things" that keep us going 24/7. But somehow, we need to find time to love. Not just ourselves and our own, but others. It has meant so much to me that busy people have reached out to me after losing my dad and my brother-in-law so close together. They are really good with my heart. People I wouldn't have expected to care, but felt moved to show love to my family. That is what love moves people to do if they are paying attention. I want to pay attention. I will admit, my efforts have backfired on me a few times, but my heart was always in the right place. I believe if you do things with love in your heart, it is always for the right reason. I don't see the point of life if you're not giving your love away.
Love never fails. That's what the Bible says, and I have to believe it, or I'd give up. It's not just a feeling. It's a commitment, it's an action, and it's always worth the time you give it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Monday, January 30, 2017
Psalm 68:5...
I belong to a new club. One I didn't join willingly, but one I knew would one day be my membership as an adult. Sometime in the early morning hours of January 17th, my father passed away quietly in his chair, leaving all of us shocked and heartbroken. He was 78, and as far as we knew, was doing well and showed no signs of impending death.
The memorial service was Saturday. Many people came and the pastor gave a wonderful eulogy, having known my dad personally through church and dad's acts of service. I have few words at this time. I am still absorbing the magnitude of losing the most prominent man in my life since the day of my birth. I can't grasp it fully yet, and I'm not sure I have the capacity to do that just yet.
I believe he is with God, and for that I am at peace. My dad will no longer feel the pain of living here on earth. He is where I strive to be when I meet my final day on earth.
I belong to the club of the many who are now without fathers, yet I still have a heavenly Father, whose ways are way beyond my understanding. I will write more when I can get my head around how I feel. Right now I think I am in "caretaker mode", knowing I need to look out for my mom and my daughters. I think I will stay in that mode for awhile.
"a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling.." Psalm 68:5
The memorial service was Saturday. Many people came and the pastor gave a wonderful eulogy, having known my dad personally through church and dad's acts of service. I have few words at this time. I am still absorbing the magnitude of losing the most prominent man in my life since the day of my birth. I can't grasp it fully yet, and I'm not sure I have the capacity to do that just yet.
I believe he is with God, and for that I am at peace. My dad will no longer feel the pain of living here on earth. He is where I strive to be when I meet my final day on earth.
I belong to the club of the many who are now without fathers, yet I still have a heavenly Father, whose ways are way beyond my understanding. I will write more when I can get my head around how I feel. Right now I think I am in "caretaker mode", knowing I need to look out for my mom and my daughters. I think I will stay in that mode for awhile.
"a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling.." Psalm 68:5
Monday, September 12, 2016
So I Had a Bad Day...but...
Well, today didn't go as planned. As much as I expected a "down" day after a bad migraine, I didn't expect the surprise of my old foe, anxiety. Sure, I was a little frustrated over the dog barking incessantly, and the phone ringing when I was trying to rest. I was annoyed that I was still feeling sick after being sick since before Labor Day, and enough is enough, but I haven't felt "this" in a long time, and quite honestly, nothing scares me worse than the thought or the creeping feeling of a panic attack. Nothing. Especially when I'm home alone, with no one to convince me that I'm not dying of a heart attack, because that's what it feels like.
This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.
Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own? Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.
Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.
I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.
I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.
This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.
Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own? Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.
Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.
I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.
I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.