June 3 @ 2

Yesterday was a roller coaster, but today I just want to share a high with you. For those who have been faithfully praying, I thank you for your obedience and ask God to bless you abundantly for your faith. 

My appointment with U of M was scheduled for July 21st. Steve called to try to get it moved up, and they were working on it. Before we could even talk to my primary doc, U of M called back. Someone had just called, leaving an opening for June 3rd!  I wanted to cry, but my head already hurt so bad, I decided against it. 

Praise God for the way He answered not only my cries, but the fervent prayers of those around me as well! He even provided me with a  doctor with a name only a huge Charlie Brown fan could appreciate- Charles Schulz! 

It's amazing what hope can do. Last night I had none. Zero. Today I have some again. 

Thank you all for the love, cards, support, friendship, and prayers. I wish I could hug you all! Cyber hug(((       ))))! 

Not so Easy

I'm not feeling well. That may not be a positive thing to say, but right now it's the truth. My body is revealing this truth in every physical way no matter how many emotional ways I try to deny it. 

My chest feels like a small child is sitting on it while another small child wraps a tight strap around my head. This is what my doctor has labeled physical anxiety. It's what happens when your outsides don't match your insides and you begin to blow up. 

It is a physical manifestation of the subconscious things I worry about as I sit and wait wait wait wait for others to decide my medical fate. No I have not received my call yet. Yes, each day I wait becomes harder. My life seems to be ticking away, my family moving along, the flowers blooming away, and still I sit, waiting. I feel useless. It is not good to feel useless. 

Yes, this is what is called a bad few days. If you know someone with chronic illness, this may bother you, but you need to know this is a very real part of what goes through the mind at some point. 

God loves me. Yes. God will not forsake me. I have faith. Yes. 

But. I. Feel. Like. Garbage. 

I know my help comes from The Lord. 

I'm just not very patient. Guess I'm human. It's not as easy as it seems to always stay positive, is it? 

Hot Topic

I've been thinking a lot about tithing. We still have not found a church to call home, and with my present medical state, it is put on hold even longer. 

Believe it or not the only problem I see in this is that I miss going to church as a family. My girls are missing out on us sitting together, worshipping together as a family. They just don't know it yet. Teens love two things. Staying up late and sleeping in. Oh, and eating. That's three. 

I don't feel distant from The Lord at all, and because my girls haven't stopped attending youth, they've maintained a regular connection, plus, of course, they live with us. Church is here. I'm sorry, but it's where I feel a connection with God and I can do that everywhere until we find where God wants to plant us for His purpose. Wherever that is will be for His glory! 

I have a theory on tithing and my husband and I had just started using it before we left our church. Tithing in cash only. No tax deductions, strictly between God and us, whether a huge amount or small. I don't think that needs any other explanation, but I feel that sometimes money=Power in churches. Power=voice, even when the voice is misinformed, misused, and frankly, loud. Is it that the giver expects or the receiver automatically gives power? Wait....I thought it was God's......I know we're not to question the tithes of others, but clearly it's an issue in churches, which is why when you google this, tons of articles pop up. Yes, people want to be treated fairly in their churches, and they don't want money to be an issue of power. We should not be fighting over what belongs to The Lord, which is maybe why it should be given in secret? Is it really anyone else's business? I don't think so, but somehow, they "know"....

I found a great website to find some great Biblical insight after quizzing friends and really getting no straight answer. Is it really 10%? Where is tithing in the New Testament?  Why is that tax deduction so important? 

Www.stewardshipministries.org gave some good information and backed it up with Biblical knowledge and Scripture. Check it out and comment your thoughts! Interesting topic I think! 

Look up

I was drawn to pray for a stranger today. A woman in my coton de tulear (the breed of my dog) Facebook group was in tears, her dog was gravely ill, and she was fearing the medication wouldn't work. She couldn't stop crying and quite honestly, I could relate, remembering a few years back praying over my own sick dog, face streaming in tears. 

I left her a comment, assuring her that I would pray, and then I did just that. It wasn't just any prayer this time. As I stopped to pray, I thanked God for allowing us to bring any and all troubles to Him- floods of mass destruction, kidnapping of hundreds of innocent girls, marital troubles of couples I know, health troubles in my family, mothers saying goodbye at graduations, memorial weekend grave visiting, families who've lost their young children, people with serious illness or just being affected by any illness, financial strain, and even sick puppies... Thank you God, for loving us through it all. For your mercy. For knowing we can never ask you for too much because your grace is endless and you want to shower us with blessings. And thank you that sometimes when I am weary and all I can say is "Help me", it's enough for you because you know exactly what I need before I could say it anyway. Today I said it- "help me"- and this is what You said... 

If that's not an answer, I don't know what is. It brought tears to my eyes. God loves me and He is with me. He even gave me a bonus. Shortly after I took this picture, my sweet dog, (aptly named Angel) without my prompting hopped on my lap and washed my face in kisses! 

Pray without ceasing. And wait for His voice. Sometimes it's not an answer, but it's a message, and it's always going to be a good one. I don't know what made me look up at just that moment, although I always have my eyes on the sky, but it was so windy today, and seconds later those clouds had already moved.

 I want to believe that heart in the blue sky was God's way of telling me He loves me and everything is going to be okay. 

Know why? Because He does and because it is. Don't forget to look up. You never know what you're missing. 

Blessings from Burdens

My Sunday was the best in a long time as I was able to attend my daughters' spring concert! Because I shared my burden with you, you prayed for me, and I was blessed! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

My oldest, Natalie, played in a sax quartet with two seniors and a junior. They played a beautiful version of Just a Closer Walk With Thee. Maybe it was just me, because it was my beautiful girl, but I felt healed at the end of that piece. I continued to feel healed as I watched my younger daughter playing on stage as well, watching her play in her royal blue polo amidst the high school black, the only middle schooler on the high school jazz band. I know how hard my girls work on their instruments at home. Hearing them harmonize blesses their dad and I so much. They have no idea how much we smile upstairs when we hear those saxes rip in the music room below. Our hearts overflow. This isn't the heart of a bragging parent... Though I don't mind if I do...it's the heart of a parent healed by the child. 

It's not just pride. It's joy! It's knowing that when your child finally finds a passion, and they don't have to fight for position, they just get to love what they love and do it as much as they want! They reap their own reward for hard work. They find joy in what they love.

And I find joy in what brings them joy. 

And that heals me. Praise God for the blessings brought about from my burdens. 

People Who Care

My oldest asked me a question at dinner tonight-

"What are the best qualities in a person?"

I love this one, because all I had to do was think of my favorite people! Here's a few: 

Real-honest-authentic-open

Sensitive-compassionate-gentle-kind

Aware-humble-nurturing-down-to-earth

True-loyal-resourceful-funny-easygoing, conversational-

Hmmm....

Yeah, those are important to me. Any others are either too cliche, involve some kind of "box", or "label", or "performance". I don't know about you, but I just want to be appreciated for who I am inside, and I want to love others for what they are, not what they "do". 

So what happens if people I meet don't possess these qualities or I don't pass their "quality control" test? 

Happens every day, doesn't it? If it didn't, we would all live in perfect harmony every day!  

I think we all have a need to be understood. Some of us more than others! Some people go through life as though they don't seem to need nor care to go very deep with anyone. Those people, I admit, make me squirm. I feel I was made for connection, so I continue to seek those who also seek that deep soul connection with others. We are only here for a short time after all! Why waste time being shallow? 

So I guess it can be and has been a huge disappointment to think you connect with someone and later find it was not what you had hoped! 

As I look back over that list I see the qualities of my dearest friends who have stood by me through all of my good, my bad, my ugly, my highs, lows, best times, worst times, and times to come. I have made good choices.  My list is small, but it's good. 

They stayed to understand. To be open. To remain sensitive and compassionate. They were loyal! They didn't seek to replace me when I frustrated them with my insecurity. They sought to refine me with what they already knew about me-the truth they saw in me. Because of their humility, they could see me clearly. 

What is the best quality in a person? To be able to love. Perhaps the hardest one of all. The most "cliche", but the most difficult too. Because we have to admit, we're not easy to love sometimes and neither are "they". 

So at times like this when I'm at my worst, I have to admit, it's easy to look around at who "doesn't care". After all, 3 months of this gives a person too much time to think! But today I focused on those who DO care. 

Thank you GOD for placing those people near and far in my life. 3 of them I met online! Sarah, Sir Norm, and Angela, you are a blessing to me! 

The rest of you hear from me in other ways, and you know I love you too! 

Wishes

There is the saying, "Be careful what you wish for" for a reason. It's true. 

It wasn't too long ago I heard myself making "wishes"-

I wish I didn't have to get up early

I wish I didn't have to drive the kids to school today

I wish I didn't have to pick the kids up today

I wish I didn't have to clean this house today 

I wish I didn't have to ever get out of this bed today 

I wish I could sit and just relax all day

Until it's exactly what happened...

I couldn't drive, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't function enough to do daily chores, couldn't move out of that chair some days....

Not quite what I meant. 

Be careful what you "wish" for. And know that if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed or busy in your everyday life, you just need to slow down a bit. Don't wish it away. I am anxious to get back to my life and being able to function in my full capacity as wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. 

And everyone who helped me will get the biggest best dose of my love. Those who didn't are gonna "wish" they did! 

Thank You

Praising God, thanking all of you for your prayers, and thanking my doctor for his wisdom. My appointment went well today and he has set up a referral with the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor-Neurology. I am so hopeful now that I will get the answers I need. 

I broke down in the office today. I didn't mean to... I was just so weary- so frustrated- my life has been turned upside down for too long. I have never felt this sick for this long with absolutely no answers and so much fear. 

I am also glad that I will not have to go back to the neurologist and I won't be increasing my nasty medication dosage to 100 mg tonight. This means there is a good chance I will be well enough to go to my daughters' concert on Sunday, and track meet on Wednesday. Staying hopeful that all will go well. 

Going to Ann Arbor means I will meet with top neurologists and do in-depth testing and get to the bottom of what is going on with my brain dysfunction. No more "wait and see" business. 

So I will be waiting for U of M to call and in the meantime coping with the symptoms I fight on a daily basis. Still hoping some of this is medication or stress induced. 

Praising God for good doctors, and the prayers of the faithful. 

You Can Begin Again

"God delights in turning tragic endings into new beginnings." This is the theme of the book my mom set on the end table yesterday as I sat with my head propped on my hand. She had come to do some much-needed housework for me, which I'm usually pretty reluctant for her to do, as she's busy enough helping everyone else. But truthfully, I needed the company. I had had a really bad day on Tuesday and I didn't want to be alone Wednesday. I even asked her to do the kitchen floor instead of the bathroom so I could visit with her. Sneaky me. 

When she first set the book down I assumed it was about starting some kind of mid-life career after the kids move on, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it is much better than that. 

It is more about how we just get close to our goal or our prize and whammo! The worst happens, and we have to start over again. It could be a financial disaster, health crisis, accident, pretty much any of life's little shockers that throw us for a loop and leave us lurching for awhile. 

I think of that word- lurching. Do you remember those awful carnival rides where the seats kept swinging back and forth out of control, sometimes taking your stomach and pocket change with it? What stopped the lurching? Usually it was the kindness of a person who reached up with two strong arms and grabbed on until the seat stopped moving, reassuring you until it finally stopped.  How I loved the sound of the bar lifting up to free me from that torture! Still not a fan of carnival rides... 

Who stops your lurching when you've just gotten the shock of your life? 

Psalm 16:8

I have set The Lord always before me. 

Because He is at my right hand, 

I will not be shaken. 

That's who stops my seat from flying off the rails, so to speak. And thankfully, God has equipped my husband wonderfully to take care of me, and stop those lurches in the physical realm. 

I finally have an appointment with my doc tomorrow afternoon and I hope I get some relief/guidance. My girls have their spring concert on Sunday and it would break my heart to miss it. It's been 3 months of pretty much going from my chair to my bed to an occasional short term outing. I hope to get some explanations for why I'm suddenly feeling like a nursing home resident at 44 years old. In the meantime, I'm reading the book, mom! 

Joy in this Mess?

I walk a fine line these days between sharing genuine concern about my health and what others may call "complaining". 

Is it really complaining or sharing your "troubles" when you're scared out of your mind with an illness? Maybe it's your own, your spouse, parent, child, sibling, etc.. At some point, we are troubled by something serious in our lives. I don't think that qualifies as complaining. Maybe some do. 

The Bible tells us to be joyful in all circumstances. While I realize joy and happiness are two different things, I hope others realize that too. I am not very happy right now, but I do have joy. I do my best to share my joy. But I gotta be honest, I feel pretty heavy right now. Some days, I am scared out of my mind. Some days I need to talk about that! Not because I want to spread dissatisfaction, but because I need a few things: love, support, help!! If someone is expressing to me, that is what I hear loud and clear. Maybe it's the ears that need repair on some people, I don't know. 

And that goes for all the others who are struggling with illness. Don't be silenced because someone has told you not to complain. It's not complaining when you need assurance. It's complaining when you stub your toe and go on and on about it! It's complaining when you have a hang nail and the whole room knows! It's complaining when all I ever hear out of your mouth is how much you hate who is in office but you've never once said "how do you feel???" 

Yes, we can have joy despite our circumstances. I believe it and I know it. But when we know someone is struggling, more than this they just need to know they are loved and cared for. If you don't love or care for them, don't share this verse until they know you are there for them first. And a hug never hurt.

Shroom Boom II

Saturday the Oyster mushrooms looked like this...

Today they look like this...

So there you have it... Oyster mushrooms growing in my bathtub! 

You know you're jealous... :) 

Appreciate Where You Are

Recently I uploaded this photo to my "Reflections" board on Pinterest. It's just behind the garden area where the trails begin. Obviously it was flooded at the time, but I thought it looked beautiful with all the trees reflecting in the water.  Now it's just a trail again...

As I checked my " Notifications" on my Pinterest account this morning I noticed someone had "pinned" this picture. Curious to see what kind of board category it was pinned on, I went searching. To my delight, it went on a young woman's board labeled "Places I'd  Rather Be"...

How easily we can take for granted the beauty in our own backyards! Well, I don't really think I do just yet, since I remain amazed by where I get to live! 

Places I'd "rather be" usually involve beaches, lakes, streams, oceans, yeah, you get the picture.... And I have none of that here! 

So, I'm appreciating that place "she would rather be".... And she's probable loving my lake.... :) 

Getting Back To Me

While I'm on the roller coaster of medication trials, adjustments, and question mark diagnoses, I still have to maintain some type of life. 

I don't require a busy social life, so I'm not missing anything there. I don't like shopping, other than I would like to take some burdens off my already busy husband. He does the shopping, the appointments, the errands, you name it, he does it, did it, will do it, is doing it now. Poor guy. I know he needs a break too... That's why I need to get better! One reason anyway. 

Since breaking up with Keppra, I got my appetite back, so I've been able to eat regular foods at regular times again. That has helped stabilize me a bit. It really is difficult to eat when you are NOT hungry! Hence, Oreos or whatever Does sound good. Anyway, paired with my new and not-so-glamorous sedentary life, I've put on the pudgies. Again. New reason. Same problem! 

It got me to thinking about people with chronic illness and how difficult it is to just move some days, let alone have a regular exercise routine! Some nights I get four hours of bad sleep! I wake up with a vise around my head. Work out? Really? I just want to put my feet on the floor!  Add to that not feeling very motivated. After all, someone apparently parked a truck on you while you slept. Not nice! So what do you do? Give up? 

No! Nevah! I say in my best Hollywood voice! I'm not a quittah! I have found that as long as it's not my worst day, I can do 3 wall push ups. I can use my abs to vacuum and get up and into chairs. I can do knee lifts while watching tv. I just can't jump around and get my brain all jiggly! That's okay... Never liked that much anyway!! 

And with my appetite back, I'm back to my salads and healthy meals and lots of water again. Hopefully when my balance is back to normal I can walk the dog on the trail by myself again or maybe ride my bike. (Helmet included) being able to drive again will be wonderful. I'm taking my family out for ice cream on that day!!

So, I had a great health day yesterday. Not so great today, and my dosage is getting increased again tonight which is notoriously not a good experience. But the evidence that God keeps handing me is that it might look rough on the outside but it's okay on the inside. 

It is going to be okay. Soon! And I can't wait to report that! 

No Words

I just can't bring myself to complain at all this week. My heart is so heavy for a local family going through the worst heartache imaginable-the loss of their 12 year old son unexpectedly. 

Please join me and our small community in praying for this family. 

There are just no words for some things...

Busy/Bored?

I don't feel great. I can't drive. I'm not too much for visitors and the phone thing... Meh....SO.... Why am I NOT bored???

Because I don't GET bored! Never! For one thing, I'm pretty sure I'm an undiagnosed ADD gal because my mind goes ALL the time, top speed, all subjects, nothing off limits. Just trying to keep those thoughts organized keeps me busy! 

It's not just the organizing of my thoughts that keeps me from boredom. It's my quest to answer all those looming curious  questions zooming in my head non-stop. Who-when-what-and my favorite--why-why-why????? 

Thank God for Google is all I can say, or the encyclopedias (remember those?) would be worn out. I'll be watching a true crime drama on tv and suddenly I must know everything about the case! I see a city on tv I've never heard of and I find myself checking real estate! I hear a word, I must know the meaning! It will bug me until I find it! 

And we wonder..." Abnormal cerebral dysfunction". No, we don't. 

One thing I know is that as long as I'm curious, I will never be bored. My girls have been taught this concept their whole lives. Entertain yourself! That is the house motto! And of course, there is always work to be done...if you say you're bored, you're insulting your company... The list goes on. 

I enjoy my own company. I always have. I'm quite interesting to me. :) 

Being laid up for others may be torture, but for me, I'm making the best of a bad situation. God knows I know how to keep myself busy...now keeping myself out of trouble....hmmmm.... ;) 

Words

I recently got the nicest note from an old high school friend of Steve's, and it made my day. For one, it boosted my spirits! For another, it gave me encouragement to stay positive. 

It brought to mind this favorite verse: 

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. 

                              Proverbs 25:11

That sweet note could not have come at a better time! It was an unexpected time, unexpected source, and an unexpected word, but oh, the balm it was! 

Her note was the reason I decided to come back to Facebook and to blog about my experience with my health issue. If a positive attitude really does have power, I want to see it really work, wouldn't you? 

I want to see what happens if I only post positive things on Facebook. I have chosen to unfollow any negativity or negative people because I feel it affects my health and my attitude. I want to see if being hopeful not only brings peace but will also bring healing. I want to see change in me and hopefully in someone else. 

I don't want to waste time being frustrated because feeling sick is frustrating enough. See, you figure this out if you've spent any significant time at all being ill, not living your life normally. 

So...IF you are an encourager (not everyone is), know that you have the power to change someone's outlook with one word, a note, a hug, a verse, a comment, a hug, etc... 

And if you're not comfortable encouraging, I would suggest making that your goal-to know what it is to lift up another person's spirit. It is a joy and a blessing for both. Ask God to help you grow in compassion toward others or to lead you to step out of your comfort zone. It's not easy for everyone to see another person's hurt. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It just needs a willing heart. 

God put us here not to serve ourselves, but to serve Him by serving others. Sometimes we're laid up, as I am for now. But I still need to serve or I would be miserable. I have 2 baskets of laundry to fold and a floor to vacuum-serving! And I can serve with my heart and my words the best I can for now. 

Thank you to those who serve with your hearts as well as your hands!! 

Thanks

Thank you Angela and Sir Norm and my dear hubby for praying me through the night. I slept and breathed so much better!  Sir Norm, I was not familiar with the Scripture you gave in your comment, but it is now going in my comfort journal. Thank you for that. 

To have my husband's hands on me, praying for me and to know there are genuine prayers being said for me means more to me than I can express. My writing has been a little harder lately anyway...I get tired and just kind of...quit...:) 

Some people go out of their way for others. They see a sunny day and still remember someone's cloud and stop and feel their rain awhile. They truly stop and pray, not just say they will. Prayers aren't just words to God. They certainly aren't just words to a sick and scared person. Prayer means life. Connection. Commitment for sure. 

I'm grateful for the connections. For My parents, for Pam, for Ben, for those who send a note just to say hello or stop and truly pray....you make a difference to me every day. Thank you. Steve and I love and appreciate you all! 

For whatever reason I'm still having some issues. Not sure if they are medication related or new symptoms. Either way, it's starting to create some anxiety. I do spend my days alone, so my mind tends to wander too much sometimes. It's hard to stay busy when you're exhausted, and I don't feel like visiting. It's not like I have a whole lot to talk about right now! ;) 

I do go back to the regular doc on Friday, so we'll be chatting and hopefully figuring some things out. Maybe my mom will be right....it's all hormones.....;) hehe not. 

Titanium

The last couple of days have been rough. Last night was just plain bad. I couldn't sleep, kept having trouble catching my breath, and the tension in my head was the worst. I've had enough of this! 

And then I remember Natalie going through spinal surgery last June. The months leading up to the surgery, the days spent mentally and physically preparing. The hours waiting before surgery. The 6 hour surgery, recovery, then excruciating days that followed, the horrible trip to the x-Ray department, the blood pressure dropping throughout the night, the effects of medicines on her body, the first attempt at physical therapy, the ride home, the trip to ER, the first month home. It seemed it would never end for her. All I could do was pray, watch, hold her hand, cry with her, laugh with her, encourage her, and yes, sometimes I did worry...I'm a mom. 

There were days, mostly in the wee hours of the morning, when she would just look at me and cry. She may not like that I'm sharing this, but those tears were showing such strength! She had held on for so long. Tried so hard. Put up with so much! Her body would betray her all day. She was so tired, then couldn't sleep. She was so frustrated that she couldn't do for herself the simple things everyone else took for granted. Bend. Lift. Twist. Shower. Get out of bed alone. Get in bed alone. Walk unassisted. Get in and out of a chair. Get in and out of a car. And on and on the list went.  I would read to her at night from a book called 14,000 Things to be Happy About. I read it in a British accent, of course, and it cracked us both up. She played endless games of "Monsters", and to this day I can't listen to that little song without my heart doing a flip. 

What's the point? Her surgery and recovery was long, difficult, and had more emotional and physical scars than we imagined. I only scratched the surface here. But almost a year out, we've learned that it passed. The unknowing. Passed. The fear. Passed. The waiting. Passed. The anger. Passed. The danger. Passed. 

And in it's place-strength. Titanium, in fact. 

If my then 15 year old germ-o-phobe-faints-at-everything can do all of that, then I can do this. Maybe I can get her to hold my hand or read to me in a British accent tonight... 

Solid knowledge

I've spent too much time googling my medications, symptoms, etc... 

I know this because I've come across too many forums and personal blogs that are just plain scary or negative. It leaves me feeling fearful, nervous, and unable to sleep. In other words, big mistake. Huge. 

I am a seeker of knowledge, but occasionally I stray from solid knowledge into sketchy knowledge. It certainly is a waste of time and energy, and it hurts me in the long run. Why do I want to read about someone's horrible experience about the drug I take? That's crazy! 

It also brought some clarity to the level of things I want to share here. There's nothing fun about any illness or condition. It does no good to sugarcoat a tough situation, and it does no good to be all doom and gloom. What helps me is when others are both honest and positive. So that's what I will attempt to do. There is also a line between genuine airing of concerns and downright complaining. I may do both! I am human after all... But my hope is to inspire, not turn others away with fear and negativity. 

So, I didn't have a great night last night for various reasons. One of them being my physical health. One thing we all need to remember when we know someone who is struggling with illness is that their illness is just one more thing to deal with! 

They still have jobs, mine being trying to keep the house and laundry going. I don't have a lot of energy! I also have two teenage daughters. Need I say more? Even the best kids give you gray hair, my friends. There are other people in my life going through things and I'm not able to help them. I'm sorry, it's just not fun!  I need to be reminded daily that " I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength" Phil. 4:13 ( life verse)

Being sick is never just about one symptom. And when you're part of a family, it affects everyone. All this down time can be a good thing or a bad thing. It's a daily choice to make whatever the day holds into something good or to make it a wasted day. 

"This is the day The Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

                                 Psalm 118:24

No more googling for me. From now on,  sticking to the solid knowledge in my Bible!