Paper, Glue, and Healing

It's summertime, and besides my normal activities of gardening and pool-lounging, I have revisited my artsy collage journal that I started last summer. This journal began one day when the girls and I decided to do some crafting together. They were making some collage pictures for their friends, and I started cutting out words and phrases that I liked for myself. I found it relaxing and fun, and it woke up my creativity a bit, so I went with it. It didn't take long, and I found myself at the kitchen table with the girls many times over last summer, cutting up magazines while listening to music, gluing words and phrases into my small journal. I had been working through my grief over losing my brother, my body had changed from being sick, and I was still adjusting to the many changes in my life. I had a lot of confusion, changing relationships, and a lot of questions about things I had never questioned before. Everything was just one big mess of confusion, and cutting up little pieces of paper and gluing it onto another just seemed to make it all come together in a nice messy, organized way.

I guess I didn't realize how much the journaling was helping me cope until I looked through the pages later to see how my perspective about myself had changed from page to page. The best way I can show this is by sharing some of the pages with you. It was therapeutic in a way, to see how I could feel "invisible" and "frustrated" on one corner of a page, while on the adjacent page, I was "tough" and "optimistic". That page is titled "I Am", which reflects all the characteristics I felt at that time. I was all of those things at once, and somehow it was perfectly fine to be that way. I was opening myself up and looking at my insides, and realizing I may have felt out of balance, but it was just my feelings that were out of balance, and life is just that way sometimes. But it wasn't just a balance issue, it was also remembering to give myself credit for the good things I was feeling about myself too. While I'm not always that great with self-discovery, my little journal has been an effective tool to help me work out situations that I don't always understand at first.


I've been working on a lot of poetry lately, and working on my journal has been very helpful in getting in touch with emotions, which is of huge importance to poetry. While I haven't experienced every emotion, I research a lot of poetry in an effort to understand different feelings. I wanted to know the difference between the mind and the heart where love is concerned, which led to making a journal page about the subject. I'm not sure I understand it much better, but I now know that love from the heart is the best kind of love, takes the most amount of courage, and is worth the risk. Head love is probably pretty temporary and based on fleshly things and may not last. Just my "thoughts".

Then there are my "silly" pages, which reflect my sense of humor and my need to just be fun.
I left out a few pages. Those are just for me. But I would encourage you to try collage journaling if you like to journal, but get tired of writing.  It is fun, relaxing, and revealing, as it turns out. I have learned a lot about myself, and have taught my family things about me that they didn't know. Like, mom can be ridiculous and deep, all on the same page.

It's Her Party, And We'll Shrine if We Want To.....

We celebrated Natalie's graduation with her open house on Saturday, and while it was a great time with friends and family, I am so glad it's behind me. I have been so busy planning this party, that I have had little time for anything else. So, back to my normal life, I hope.

Many people came to celebrate with us, some from the church we used to attend, and while Natalie didn't know them very well, they came to show their support of our family because they are caring people. We appreciated each and every person who came. Her band director came, and we had a very nice conversation about Natalie that just warmed my heart. Natalie also had a chance to hear what many people thought about her valedictory speech since many did not get a chance to see her after graduation. It blessed her to hear them give such positive feedback and it touched me that they remembered what she said. One guest, who happens to be a pretty special friend to us, gave us a plaque that says, "Work hard, stay humble". What a beautiful reminder that they understood and remembered not only her speech, but her goal for herself. Her cards came with personal handwritten messages of encouragement and wishes for her future. It was a wonderful morning for our family to hear her read each and every card aloud and talk about each person who wrote to her.

 It was a truly blessed event, and I had prayed so much before the party that not only would we not only have enough seating and food, but that each person would feel welcome and have a good time.  I could tell by their goodbye hugs and comments that they felt just that. That's really all I care about when people are in our presence as a family. I know sometimes when I am feeling anxious or stressed, I can be less than my best self, and several things were going wrong at the beginning, but I was trying hard to smile and be polite because I was so happy about the day.  I guess I pulled it off, because no one could tell I was in a panic, except for maybe sweet Pammy, who I depend on for my sanity many times! 

I couldn't have asked for a better day for Natalie. Great food, great family and friends. There will be things we will do differently for Serena's party for sure. Like hire some help!! Lots of it. And maybe go to Hawaii instead? Hmm...

Natalie, though a sweet personality, is shy in nature, and was worried about all the people coming, and what she would say, and how she would handle it all. She's not the most outgoing person, and seemed to think that was a deficit. I explained that not everyone has to have a bubbly personality to be polite. Not everyone was made to be outgoing. Not everyone is comfortable with people they don't know. Some people are quiet, some are loud. Some are okay in situations with a lot of people, and some are not. In short, it's okay to be whoever you are, and not apologize for who you are. I gave her a few pointers on how to be polite and greet people, and she did very well. She was very personable and kind, and only missed a couple of guests, who she said sat down too quickly, and then she was too timid to approach them because she didn't know them as well. I can't wait to see what a semester of college will do to help her with her confidence. While it's okay to be quiet and introverted, I know she can be quite outgoing and charming when she's comfortable with people too. Hopefully people will give her the grace she needs to let her be who she is and not judge her for going her own pace. Inside she is trying her best, and it takes a lot for her to approach people. I can relate to this, so I guess I give people a lot more room than others do. I don't know. I like quiet people...they're usually very sincere people. One thing I know about Natalie. She is sincere and honest. She is who she is. I love that about her.

So, on to summer plans, and having some time with Natalie before we drop her off at college in August. It doesn't seem real to me yet, and maybe it won't until we drive away from her campus without her. But I'm in a good place with this because she is more than ready to move on. She is excited about her future, ready for some independence, and she really needs this. If I didn't think she was ready, I would be worried about her leaving home.  She's a lot like her mom. She will push herself beyond her limits as long as no one is holding her back. She wants to move beyond her comfort zone, but if we are in her way, she will stay in it. If she is on her own, she will be forced to do things for herself, but if she has to rely on someone to help her, she will. So, she needs this, and because of this, I can let her go with peace in my heart. This is what is best for both of us. As she stands at the edge of the nest, I don't even need to push her. She's ready to fly. Soar girl. Soar.

And mama bird will just stand here smiling and eating Steve's amazing smoked brisket. Wow, can that man smoke a brisket!

Graduation Validation

It was a beautiful weekend of spending family time together, sharing baseball games, gardening, time with friends, and ending with Natalie's graduation.
The day started out with me waking very early and seeing a text Natalie had sent me late the night before that I hadn't seen. I felt bad that I had missed it, because she was feeling bad about something, and needed my reassurance. I started praying because I couldn't get back to sleep. I have been praying about some very specific things since her school year started to change last fall.
While things may have appeared to look one way on the outside, they were in fact very different on the inside. This is the way things go sometimes when you don't go around defending yourself from all the untruths that are said about you, or all the assumptions that are made about your actions. Sometimes people treat you poorly for a very long time and you put up with it without saying too much because you're trying to be kind, but after awhile, it gets to be hurtful, and so you start to pull away. It's only then that the person begins to be offended by the very thing they were doing to you in the first place, and somehow you become "the bad guy", and people turn on you. Not just people, but friends you've known for a long time. And somehow, the truth can't be seen because the power shift is way too strong in one direction, and if you cross it, you become a target too. You know, this can happen in adulthood too. This is bullying in it's sneakiest of forms.
And the funny thing is, as unfair as it all is, and as much as it hurts, somehow, I believed that it would all work out in the end without her having to say a word. She grieved over doing "the right thing" when the wrong thing was being done to her. She worried about appearing bad when the bad things were being said about her. She overcame the temptation to vindicate herself because it would have made someone else look bad, even though it was the truth. She admitted her wrongs to the person, admitted her weaknesses, and then was crushed when the person simply ignored her efforts and wrote , I'm not sorry, and I have no regrets. The person simply wanted nothing to do with her, continued to blame her, and  then made her miserable afterwards for months. This is bullying in its most outward forms.
And all along, I prayed for reconciliation, for a softening of hearts, so that this could be resolved in a peaceful way. It didn't look like it was every going to happen, but I kept watching. I kept encouraging. My daughter kept coming home in tears. And she kept quiet. And God provided new friends who came alongside and continued to support her. He brought old friends who reminded her that her value is not based on the failures in relationships, but in those people who continue to stay in your life when you need them most. When you're depressed. When you are struggling. When you need help. Those are the friends that get to tell us the truth. Those friends are few.
Natalie worked on her valedictory speech last week, and she struggled with it, because it hasn't been the most positive year for her. She just wanted school to be over. She said, how can I convey anything positive when I just want to get out of there? I asked her what the most important thing was to her. She answered. "I just don't want to make the speech about me. I want to give something to my class to take away. I want them to know that they are all important. Especially the ones who were ignored for 4 years." I smiled. Because that's exactly what life is about. Being kind. And this year of struggle has taught her how she doesn't want people to feel. Left out, left behind, excluded, talked about, dismissed, or unimportant. So the topic of her speech became a quote that she loves. "Stay humble, Work Hard, Be Kind".
As she spoke quietly, she gave her speech humbly, and in the words that she chose. To remind her class to use the gifts that they have been given, no matter what they are, to give to the world. That they are important, and that they should work hard, and by doing these things, they will continue to inspire others to do the same. She made us proud, and many people came up to tell us what a beautiful speech it was. I was impressed by the many things she knew about each and every one of her classmates. Not just the athletes and the "smart kids", but the kids who knew how to fix things, or knew everything about the weather, girls who could braid and do make-up really well, and play bass guitar. So much talent, and not everyone was a top student, but they all have something to offer. She didn't include all of the examples in her speech, but what a blessing it was for them to hear that coming from one of their valedictorians. You are ALL important. What you have is enough.
We drove home from graduation, and I thought of all we had heard at graduation. I looked at Steve, and I said, "God moved today, and he gave Natalie the validation she needed all along. While she couldn't speak, He spoke for her, and this is the way He chose to work today." He agreed, and while nothing else changed, hearts changed. The hearts that have been trying to change all along. I'll keep praying for the rest. Because God cares about them all. He wants all of us to graduate to bigger and better things for today, and the future.
Be blessed.