Pink Thinking and Just Be Present

It's not an uncommon or unusual habit or practice to want to immediately cheer up a sad person. If I see someone with a frown,of course I want to make them smile again,and it's not ill-intended to want to do that at all. Think about this from a suffering person's perspective, though. Is that really what you want or need from a person or do you just simply need them to make you feel less alone?

"Pink thinking,"as defined by Kenneth Haugk in the book I'm still talking about, Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, is "optimism run amok". It "denies the reality of an individual's suffering and glosses over the hurting person's pain. A "pink thinker" often urges others to "think positive",regardless of the situation.

There's nothing wrong with the concept of "think positive" in some situations. But when you tell a hurting person to "think positive", well, you may as well tell them to "get over it" as well. Why? Because the participants in this study said just that. Here are some ways pink thinking can sabotage your efforts to help a hurting person:

"Cheering People Up": People described this as being made to feel that they needed to hurry up, feel something other than what they are feeling, and get over it. They weren't sure the person speaking to them was really interested in the situation at all or just the speed in which they were healing. Others felt it was difficult to be told to look on the bright side, because frankly, some situations don't have one. True encouragement comes from knowing you're not alone in your suffering, and when friends come and sit with you in your suffering, that becomes evidence of care. The Bible is full of suffering individuals, and people don't need to feel that Christians aren't "allowed" to suffer or "shouldn't" suffer. What a burden to place on someone when they are already so burdened. Cheering up also tends to be something that people to do make themselves feel better about the situation, not necessarily the sufferer. The best way to handle a suffering person is to be authentic. Don't try to cheer them up for your sake or theirs. I don't think this means you can't "accidentally" cheer someone up. I mean come on,some people are just so pleasant it just happens. I think it means not to be intentional and fake about this.

"Glossing Over": All suffering people have one thing in common. They need acknowledgment that their pain is real and significant. When someone trivializes it or brushes it off as if it's no big deal, that is pretty insensitive! This kind of goes with the "words that hurt" post from last time, in that people say a lot of hurtful things to "gloss over" a hurtful situation, like "There are people worse off than you", "Same thing happened to me-it wasn't that bad", etc.. I think it's helpful to remember again that we don't get to label other people's pain or situations. it's not our job. Just don't assume anything, that's usually a good path to follow too.

"Denial": The unwillingness to acknowledge and accept the reality that the suffering person is recognizing and sharing. The example in the book tells of a visit with a friend who was dying from cancer. The friend was in hospice care at home. The dying friend looked around and said,"I'm going to miss all of you". One in the group shot back, "We're still hoping for a miracle." How the author described this part was that it took from the one trying to say goodbye and  it clearly exposed the discomfort of the one still hopeful, but I'm not sure I agreed with the author on this one. Is that really denial, or is it faith in a miracle? I don't know. I think you can respect a person's wishes while still hopeful in a last minute miracle, but maybe I too, am in denial. Having watched a loved one die of cancer,I never stopped hoping and praying for a last minute save, even while respecting them in their need to say goodbye. That's just me.

"Tough Encouragement": The research done with the participants in the study from this book show that hurting people actually do not appreciate being told they are "strong". Sometimes they need permission to be weak, not forced to be strong. I completely get this! So many people who know what I go through personally with my illness tell me how strong I am. But what makes me feel strong is the person who says, "you know, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. It's okay to feel weak. It's okay to want to give up sometimes. It's okay to not be able to handle everything!" I can tell you that is more encouraging to me than being told "be strong, or "you're strong", or any other "strong" statement that comes my way. People who suffer just need to know it's okay to not be strong all the time, and it's okay to feel scared, because scared is something that says it's okay to require the help of others, not "strong". But I also understand why people say it, why I've said it, and why it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to say. I think it's good to admire another person's strength and tell them so. Just let them know it's okay to not have to be strong all the time too, I suppose.

"Unbridled Celebrating": Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn." A suffering person may initiate a celebration after a small victory, which to them could be smiling, going back to church, going for a walk alone, making it to a store alone,etc.. But celebrations pushed on them feel very hollow, because they are often in the depths of despair. I remember my mom asking me "how can you decorate a Christmas tree when Jeffy's gone?" Because my mom had lost her son. Her precious son, and she was in the depths of despair at Christmas time. I had my kids and my husband to distract me and keep me from falling apart. But a mother losing a child is a suffering I know nothing about. I could only imagine why putting up a Christmas tree wouldn't matter to her at that point. She didn't feel like celebrating anything for a really long time and we understood.

I think it's important to mention again, that these topics were based on participant responses and personal experiences by the author and friends. As with any person, every suffering or grief experience is unique. I think this book is a great tool for a guideline,and a way to bring awareness to a topic no one talks about in the grocery store line or really anywhere. I don't think compassion is natural for everyone and I think more people(myself included!) put their feet in their mouths and don't even know it! It's a great little book that just instructs people to let suffering people "be", but don't let them "be alone". As a friend mentioned to me recently, she was left to grieve a loved one alone. No one should ever feel alone when someone they love leaves this earth. I felt like that when my brother died too.

People grow best when cared for and nurtured,and it's how we heal best too. If we say hurting people hurt people, then can we also say a healed person helps heal another? I think that's what we should shoot for. I'm not the expert, as I always say, and I don't profess to be wise in my own eyes. But I do know what God wants us to do. Love one another. Take care of others. And as my friend said, be present when people need us. Just be present.