Words That Hurt, Not Heal

I dreaded this chapter,because I knew I'd find out some of the mistakes I've made or am currently making, not just the wrong things I've had said to me or heard other people say. Yikes! Of course, no one is perfect and most people mean well,but we all want to know better so we can do better next time. Right? I sure hope so.

Maybe no one has corrected us yet,but a good indicator of a misspoken phrase is a return of silence, if you're lucky. A good communicator might blast you, therefore setting you straight, and also teaching you something maybe you didn't know about that particular person or situation. Either way, lesson learned. I know what you may be thinking. What about grace?? Well, that comes later. Pain just has to make its way through first before grace makes its worthy appearance.
This chapter outlines what the author thinks are seven major statements to avoid speaking to a hurting person at all costs. At all costs. Wow. These statements were all based on a research study with participants who had experienced suffering of some kind. As I'm reading through them, I'm thinking to myself, I'm sure I've said this or at least thought this... I hope I didn't say this. Well, I'm quite sure I have said and done at least some of them. I'm also pretty sure some of them have been said to me as well.

* "I Know How You Feel"... Nope. Actually you don't. No one does. Everyone is entitled to feel their own personal feelings about whatever they are going through at that time, whether you've done it a million times or not. And when you claim to know how they feel, it not only adds your pain to theirs, but it takes the focus off the pain they are feeling and puts it on you. If the time is appropriate, you know the person well and the conversation is leading in a way that sharing becomes okay, it is then okay to say it like this, "I've been in a SIMILAR situation, and I remember at that time feeling___________." Then read the cues. Know when it's ok to keep talking and know when to be quiet and let them share.

*It's for the best, "He's at peace now, "well, you know she's in a better place", "It's good she's not suffering anymore", "she's with Jesus now", "He's better off", "It's a blessing". Soooo, what could possibly be wrong with all of those? If you're a Christian, you know all of those are probably true. It's easy to think these things from an onlooker's point of view, but it may not be the caregiver's point of view just yet. Think about someone who has just lost a child. A spouse. Gotten a really grim diagnosis. You have to be careful making a statement that the caregiver or loved one may not have arrived at just yet. Don't make the decision about a loved one's death until the loved one has decided how they feel about it. I would also like to add that unless you have lost a loved one such as the one you are speaking into, you may just want to tread very carefully. Until you've gone through it, you haven't felt it at all. Just be sensitive to what the other person may be feeling or going through. It's up to them how they decide to process it, not us.

* "Keep a Stiff Upper Lip" or "Be Strong"...ugh. An example in the book tells of a man whose wife was dying, and he was told, "I have a friend who is in situation similar to yours, and he is at peace with that situation." Here's the message within the message: "Why can't you respond to your situation the way my friend responds to his situation?" He may as well have said, "You're handling your suffering all wrong. Let me tell you how to do it" or "You are weak". So many people are "experts" on grief! Get over it, move on, why are you this way or that way, but I can tell you from observance that they are NOT the ones actually helping. They are the ones contributing to pain. Do you know what heals people? Allowing them space and saying, "I don't know how much time this will take for you. All I know is I will be here for you for whatever you need to do to heal." Such healing words. Balm to a hurting soul. Again, be careful telling people what they "should do" if you in fact have not walked that path just yet, and even if you have, what worked for you might not work for them. Pain wears differently on everyone. Healing takes a different amount of time and technique for everyone. Respect that.

*"At Least"... Well, at least you had xx amount of time with your loved one. I only had xx with mine. Could you minimize a person's pain any less? So you're saying a person's pain is not as bad as it could be, because...why?? If the hurting person says "at least I had xx years with that person..." Then by all means, acknowledge that. But don't be the dinglefritz trying to prove somehow that their pain should be less because someone else suffered more. Like the book says, it's ok to think it. It's not ok to say it. Yes, some situations are such that "at least they got 20 years with their child, or 45 years of marriage, etc...", but remember YOU are the onlooker, not the sufferer. Very different perspective.There is no comparison of grief just like there should be no comparison of joy. It's not a competition about whose heart is more broken. Yet, sometimes I wonder. I suffer with a chronic illness that has completely changed my life. All my activities are affected, my family is affected, my diet,my future,every aspect of my life, and yet people feel the need to tell me an "at least" statement. Why? Well, at least I'm not dying. Again, that may be true and wonderful, but let me say it. Don't diminish the trial I am going through. "Just because" I don't have it worse than I do does not negate the pain and trials I am currently facing. Just like taking chicken soup to a friend with a cold, be as kind as you can be to anyone in pain and fight your temptation to tell them how much worse it could be for them. That isn't helpful or kind.

*"You Should/Shouldn't"...This is so good. You know what? You may be right telling your ,grieving/newly divorced/chronically ill friend that they ought to spend more time doing this or that...they ought to this or that...BUT here's what happens when you "should or shouldn't" someone even when you're right or well-intended. It shuts them down and good. They stop communicating. They withdraw and retreat after constantly being told what they should be doing instead of being supported for what they are trying to do.  Why do we always think we know what's best for someone else when we're not even really listening to what they need? Let's get better with this. If someone seems like they are struggling more than what seems healthy to you, get closer to the situation and find out how you can help. Don't add to the hurt by criticizing the slow progress they are actually making. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face and say, "Hey, you haven't left the house in awhile. I'm worried about you. How can I help? Let's have a real conversation. I'm all ears. I'm here as long as you need to talk." But people are afraid of real conversations it seems. It's that whole "I've got to judge this first..." I need to "fix" someone! Wait. Yeah. That's not going to help. You're worried about enabling them? Don't worry, none of us is Dr. Phil. Pray for them!  I feel very isolated with my illness at times, and the best thing a friend has done for me is simply ask me what my food restrictions were and more details of my condition because she was interested. That sure beats being left out of activities! And contrary to popular belief, "getting out more" does not cure depression! (winky face) Kindness is amazing medicine to anyone's hurting soul. Pure love and kindness.

The last two are Christian platitudes that are commonly spoken and sometimes debated.
* "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle"...Ok. First of all, contrary to some popular belief, this is NOT Scripture. It gets confused with 1Corinthians 10:13, which is about God giving us a way out of temptation, not at all about bearing up under pain and suffering. It does not say that God gives us pain and suffering, so why add to the burden of a suffering person by saying someone is in good hands because God is the one causing the suffering? 88% of people researched reacted negatively when presented this statement. Um, yeah. I react negatively to it as well! I personally dislike this statement, quote, and do not use it anywhere! Moving on...

* "It's God's Will...Before I get into this, I will say that 93% of people researched about the use of this statement, reacted strongly and negatively. While God's will is a mystery, some people think they actually know! And here's the biggest point. Whoever is saying this is not usually the one going through the painful situation. You might think you know God's perspective on the situation, but none of us can know! People don't need platitudes or even Scripture when they're standing on a ledge. They need a hand. Why do some people say this? Again, some people need to come up with a reason for everything so they can somehow get people to stop hurting or to somehow understand a situation. We don't know God's plan or purpose for what happens. We just know it's up to us to help that person. And that just takes our presence and our love. Not our platitudes. If they begin to use their situation for God's purpose and glory, then we all get to see the power of God. No words need to be spoken. Just an "I'm so sorry you're going through this" is pretty effective. Don't try to figure out what God is trying to do.

So, how did you do? Did you find yourself in any of these statements? I know I did! With the amount of hurting and suffering people in this world, I know it's an area we all could use some improvement. Let's take better care of each other.  I have a lot of fear where loss is concerned. Most people don't know this about me, but funerals cause me quite a bit of anxiety! I know people don't "like" funerals, but I really dread them and can get quite worked up over them. The whole walking in to a room where someone is ill or a room full of mourners just sets my heart racing. One reason I have learned is that I really don't think I can offer anything to the situation. I have heard myself say, "well, there are a lot more important people to them than me. They don't need me there." It could be a fear of their sadness or a fear that I may make things worse with my own inadequacies. Add to that an unhealthy habit of emotion-stuffing! There is no amount of loss that has gotten me "over'' this, and maybe I never will overcome it. Will I ever be "comfortable" seeing people sad, saying goodbye to someone I love? Finding out someone I love has passsed? No. Every fiber in me will always try to run. That's just how my spirit is wired. But my spirit also wants to love and comfort, and that's why I'm here, trying to learn with you....

Next post: Pink Thinking: Getting over our own discomfort