The holiday season is upon us,and that means lots of time running into people in stores,parties,and all the family gatherings. You may be thinking that's wonderful,or you may be like some people I talk to,and you might not be looking forward to the holidays at all. Holidays aren't all sunshine and rainbows for some people,and let's face it,we didn't all come from the Brady Bunch,so not everyone has 72 great photos to share on their social media every time there's a family get together! It can be a hurtful time for some people,while others are celebrating and enjoying each other's company. Relationships with people can be really tough sometimes! Especially family. Especially friends. Okay,maybe both!
What's really sad is that these people can exist within your own circle of friends or family. The very people you think you can depend on to love, support and understand you sometimes turn out to be the people who turn on you,or don't really seem to support you at all. I'm always saddened by the number of people who are suffering from this type of insincere "love". Some people don't feel they can leave these relationships,because "family doesn't leave family",but how do you continue to insert yourself in a place where you don't feel wanted or even needed? How do you continue to approach those who seem like they don't even want you around? When is it okay to just walk away from these types of situations? What if it's family? How does that translate when you're forced to meet every Thanksgiving and pass that cranberry sauce? What if you live in a small town and you see that friend all the time? It's just not easy to be at odds with anyone. It hurts! And yet,we have to also consider what all that turmoil is doing to us inside too. When we've done all we can do to be kind,be at peace,and be as loving as we are allowed with someone and we still get nowhere,it gets to a point where we are breaking our own hearts to stay in a place we are not welcome. I feel whether it is a long-term friendship or a family member,there are times you have to walk away, especially if it is affecting your well-being.
We are commanded to love one another. Yes.
We are also called to forgive. Yes.
But are we called to keep toxic people on our speed dials? No. You can love someone,forgive them,and also move on without them in your life. And all of that is fine with God. He never told us we had to be doormats in order to follow Him and be so-called "good Christians." We are to follow Christ. He was no doormat! We are not being asked to push people into loving us back,whether it's our family member or even an old friend. Sometimes we have to give ourselves or that other person space. This may look or feel like desertion on on your part,but if it's done with love in your heart and for the good of both of you,then this is a loving gesture,whether it feels good or not. Something I've learned over the years is that love doesn't always feel good. Sometimes love feels like a very hard decision done well.
We should always be kind and tender-hearted,but never be a fool. It hurts me very much to have to end relationships or stop trying with people I care about very much. It breaks my heart when someone just gives up on me when I don't feel I've done anything wrong. It's at these crucial points that we need to do the proverbial "let go and let God",and give those relationships over to the One who can heal them.
When it's your family doing the hurting,you will have to face them again at some point. Sadly it's usually when someone in the family passes away. This is more common than people realize. Families are complicated. Families are all different,and unless you grew up in that house with those people with that situation and those circumstances,you have no business judging those choices,feelings,situations,etc...Honestly,everyone becomes a Judge Judy when it comes to what people should do about their family rifts. Pray for them. That's what I would want someone doing for me and it's what I would do for you. Don't assume you know the whole story when you hear it from one side. As my favorite TV doctor always says, "no matter how flat you make a pancake,there are still two sides." He also always says, "there are three sides to every story: mine,yours,and the truth, somewhere in the middle." The most important thing I've learned about family and friendship rifts is to NOT GET IN THE MIDDLE of them. Pray,pray,and pray some more.
Our efforts toward others should reflect love and compassion,not revenge and anger. We may be hurt by something they did or said,but acting out of malice will only make the situation worse,and it will make us look bad too. We should always be known for the way we love people,even if that means we don't have a relationship with them anymore. I know,that sounds confusing. I always thought if you loved someone they'd never leave you,but boy,have I been wrong about that and so many other things. People are disappointing. We can be too! (shocking,I know)They will hurt you, use you, leave you,and do all kinds of things you don't expect. It is hard sometimes to think the best of people when they are doing a really bad job of "loving" you. Grace means understanding that sometimes people aren't what we expect and sometimes we aren't what they need and it's best to let that be and move on. Grace is also hearing what someone has to say about how you've treated them and listening instead of defending. Sincere love gives opportunity for conversations and room for disagreement. Sincere love means being ready to explain and being ready to hear. If there's no love at all, there's no reason to continue. Time to move. Do not stay where you are not loved. And don't forget there is always room for understanding and forgiveness too. If someone wants to make up with you,be willing! Don't be a grudge-holder. I am a firm believer that SOME people DO change,and some people really are sorry,and some people really do want to start over. Sadly,most people don't trust very easily again after being hurt. That's one of the problems of being hurt by someone you once loved and trusted dearly. But that's the price of love too.
God will always love us and tolerate all of our shortcomings. He knows we want to turn to people when we are hurt,but He wants to be the One we turn to when we are hurting. Sometimes we have to get a few doses of hurt before we realize God is the best friend and confidant we will ever have. Whether it was our mistake that caused a rift or theirs, God loves us both the same. He cares about how we handle disagreements and hurts,but He wants to be a part of every relationship we have. I can assure you of this. He does not like it when one of His children is being awful to another, and thankfully He takes care of that without us ever having to do a thing.
I find it interesting, the use of the word "if" in that verse. If it is possible. We know that sometimes even after we've tried to apologize to someone,even after we've forgiven,sometimes it's just not possible to be at peace in a situation. Sometimes the only way to live at peace in a tumultuous relationship with someone is to walk away.It doesn't make you right and them wrong or vice versa.It just means peace cannot be found because one of you is not making the effort to live it. At that point,it is best to give the relationship to God and let him move you on or that other person on,and let Him work His own possibilities. This means creating distance between you in life and on social media,not discussing this person in a negative light with others,and praying for them instead of tearing them down. Again, love must be sincere. We wonder why so many friendships and family relationships fall apart. They lack basic respect and communication. They sometimes lack apologies and forgiveness too.
Forgiveness takes time,and sometimes even after we think we've forgiven,something happens to drag our feelings back up again,and we find ourselves getting upset all over again. I'm not the one who will make anyone feel guilty over taking their time to forgive anyone. It does take time,and with God's help,it does happen in the time it's meant to happen. We grow every time we are hurt if we allow that hurt to press us onward and upward and we grow every time we are able to love the ones who hurt us. We are blessed when we forgive and stop tripping over the same hurts and issues. Others are blessed when we forgive because we become lighter,kinder,and our prayers become more genuine and effective. Because of all these benefits of true forgiveness,yes,God will definitely help you and I get where we need to be, forgiving and moving on. Grace allows us to let bitterness go. Grace reminds us that we all have growing to do,mistakes we've made,and we all need forgiveness probably every day.
Blessings to you this holiday season. May your hands around the table be joined in love and prayer,and may your hearts be light and filled with healthy,happy relationships.
What's really sad is that these people can exist within your own circle of friends or family. The very people you think you can depend on to love, support and understand you sometimes turn out to be the people who turn on you,or don't really seem to support you at all. I'm always saddened by the number of people who are suffering from this type of insincere "love". Some people don't feel they can leave these relationships,because "family doesn't leave family",but how do you continue to insert yourself in a place where you don't feel wanted or even needed? How do you continue to approach those who seem like they don't even want you around? When is it okay to just walk away from these types of situations? What if it's family? How does that translate when you're forced to meet every Thanksgiving and pass that cranberry sauce? What if you live in a small town and you see that friend all the time? It's just not easy to be at odds with anyone. It hurts! And yet,we have to also consider what all that turmoil is doing to us inside too. When we've done all we can do to be kind,be at peace,and be as loving as we are allowed with someone and we still get nowhere,it gets to a point where we are breaking our own hearts to stay in a place we are not welcome. I feel whether it is a long-term friendship or a family member,there are times you have to walk away, especially if it is affecting your well-being.
We are commanded to love one another. Yes.
John 13:34 Love one another. As I have loved you,so you must love one another.
We are also called to forgive. Yes.
Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
But are we called to keep toxic people on our speed dials? No. You can love someone,forgive them,and also move on without them in your life. And all of that is fine with God. He never told us we had to be doormats in order to follow Him and be so-called "good Christians." We are to follow Christ. He was no doormat! We are not being asked to push people into loving us back,whether it's our family member or even an old friend. Sometimes we have to give ourselves or that other person space. This may look or feel like desertion on on your part,but if it's done with love in your heart and for the good of both of you,then this is a loving gesture,whether it feels good or not. Something I've learned over the years is that love doesn't always feel good. Sometimes love feels like a very hard decision done well.
We should always be kind and tender-hearted,but never be a fool. It hurts me very much to have to end relationships or stop trying with people I care about very much. It breaks my heart when someone just gives up on me when I don't feel I've done anything wrong. It's at these crucial points that we need to do the proverbial "let go and let God",and give those relationships over to the One who can heal them.
When it's your family doing the hurting,you will have to face them again at some point. Sadly it's usually when someone in the family passes away. This is more common than people realize. Families are complicated. Families are all different,and unless you grew up in that house with those people with that situation and those circumstances,you have no business judging those choices,feelings,situations,etc...Honestly,everyone becomes a Judge Judy when it comes to what people should do about their family rifts. Pray for them. That's what I would want someone doing for me and it's what I would do for you. Don't assume you know the whole story when you hear it from one side. As my favorite TV doctor always says, "no matter how flat you make a pancake,there are still two sides." He also always says, "there are three sides to every story: mine,yours,and the truth, somewhere in the middle." The most important thing I've learned about family and friendship rifts is to NOT GET IN THE MIDDLE of them. Pray,pray,and pray some more.
Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere.
Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge,my friends,but leave room for God's wrath,for it is written:"It is mine to avenge;I will repay",says the Lord.
God will always love us and tolerate all of our shortcomings. He knows we want to turn to people when we are hurt,but He wants to be the One we turn to when we are hurting. Sometimes we have to get a few doses of hurt before we realize God is the best friend and confidant we will ever have. Whether it was our mistake that caused a rift or theirs, God loves us both the same. He cares about how we handle disagreements and hurts,but He wants to be a part of every relationship we have. I can assure you of this. He does not like it when one of His children is being awful to another, and thankfully He takes care of that without us ever having to do a thing.
Romans 12:18 goes on to say,If it is possible,as far as it depends on you,live at peace with everyone.
I find it interesting, the use of the word "if" in that verse. If it is possible. We know that sometimes even after we've tried to apologize to someone,even after we've forgiven,sometimes it's just not possible to be at peace in a situation. Sometimes the only way to live at peace in a tumultuous relationship with someone is to walk away.It doesn't make you right and them wrong or vice versa.It just means peace cannot be found because one of you is not making the effort to live it. At that point,it is best to give the relationship to God and let him move you on or that other person on,and let Him work His own possibilities. This means creating distance between you in life and on social media,not discussing this person in a negative light with others,and praying for them instead of tearing them down. Again, love must be sincere. We wonder why so many friendships and family relationships fall apart. They lack basic respect and communication. They sometimes lack apologies and forgiveness too.
Forgiveness takes time,and sometimes even after we think we've forgiven,something happens to drag our feelings back up again,and we find ourselves getting upset all over again. I'm not the one who will make anyone feel guilty over taking their time to forgive anyone. It does take time,and with God's help,it does happen in the time it's meant to happen. We grow every time we are hurt if we allow that hurt to press us onward and upward and we grow every time we are able to love the ones who hurt us. We are blessed when we forgive and stop tripping over the same hurts and issues. Others are blessed when we forgive because we become lighter,kinder,and our prayers become more genuine and effective. Because of all these benefits of true forgiveness,yes,God will definitely help you and I get where we need to be, forgiving and moving on. Grace allows us to let bitterness go. Grace reminds us that we all have growing to do,mistakes we've made,and we all need forgiveness probably every day.
Romans 12:14-16 Bless those who persecute you;bless and do not curse.Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn.Live in harmony with one another.
Blessings to you this holiday season. May your hands around the table be joined in love and prayer,and may your hearts be light and filled with healthy,happy relationships.
1 comment:
A word in season. I am in Guatemala right now with THE FAMILY and I have had to pray pray pray. The same family members doing the same old toxic things wondering why things never change. Some family members have gone on to great things, but others, seem to be stuck in their own pathetic wilderness. A state of perpetual futility. If I had hair, I would most likely pull it out:) Jami, you got it. Just pray pray pray!!
Blessings to you.
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