A Friend Named Grace

 I have learned a lot of things throughout this pandemic, and one of them is that I thrive on what I have come to call "aloneship". I believe God has prepared me for this time of quiet and solitude (which are not the same thing) by showing me little by little that people will not always be by your side, stay by your side, or even want to be by your side.  Sometimes God shows us this so that we can remember that He is to be first in our lives, and that He is always by our sides. While it is okay to be alone, we still need others.

For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. Romans 14:7

This is by no means a "calling out" of anyone or a shaming of behavior, but simply an observation of the past few years of relationships and things I have learned about them and about myself. People are unpredictable. God is not. I am wavering in emotions. God is not. People won't always be there for you. God always will. But we could all use a little friend named "Grace". 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I think about the people who used to say to me, "you're so important to me", "you're such a blessing to me", "I love your kids like they're my own", "you're such an inspiration to me", and so many phrases which would make me believe I meant something to them, and I look around me today, and these same people are 1. gone from my life 2. unfriended me on Facebook 3. given me a cool reception when I've reached out to them 4. have completely changed their way of interacting with me like a Jeckyll and Hyde. Okay, that kinda hurts, I'm not gonna lie. 

Now, you're asking yourself, "what kind of terrible person is Jami Rogers??" Well, I went through my own self-destructive time of self-blame and attack as well, and I found it very unproductive and useless, as I learned sometimes people are just going through their own issues and they have nothing to do with me. I didn't have to DO anything for those things to happen and it was quite hurtful to put myself through the paces of trying to "figure out" what others are thinking. Does this mean I don't take any responsibility? Of course not, but if I have done anything I am unaware of, I certainly can't fix it if someone isn't bringing it to my attention. Last time I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a scary monster, so I think I'm pretty approachable. I haven't always taken very easily to criticism, but I'd like to say I've grown. As I've always said, people who care ask questions. I've been pretty busy with my chronic illness, my kids, my extended family, and life in general. I don't have time or interest in hurting feelings or people. 

Well, here are my own questions: can you be accepting of a friend who can't always show up at exactly the time you need them? Because that could be me. Can you still love a friend who may cancel at the last minute? That could also be me. Can you be friends with someone who doesn't always agree with you but will tell the truth with respect? Because that is also me. Can you have a friend who will not talk politics with you because she feels there are far more important life subjects to discuss and things to learn about each other than fleeting subjects such as government officials? Because that is SO me.  Can you accept that I may not be like you? If you can't accept me, then I guess it's okay that you walked away when you did. Life is too hard to have people around who don't extend understanding or grace as I hopefully have done for you. If I was the one who made you feel this way, I would be open to hearing from you so we can resolve it. 

Something I have always told my daughters is that they will most likely never have a bunch of friends and to never take it as a personal defect. A true friend who stands with you is actually a pretty rare thing! God has a way of removing people from our lives that He feels are not good for us to be around for whatever reason He sees fit. It doesn't mean someone is better than another. It just means we are being moved or they are being moved and as hard as it is to accept sometimes, it will happen over our entire lifetime. It never gets easier, especially if you have a big ole soft heart! That's okay. Caring about people is a good thing and wanting relationships to last and be positive is normal. But staying where you aren't respected or valued is not healthy, whether it's a friendship or other type of relationship. It's important to remember also, that sometimes our soft hearts can be sadly mistaken. Sometimes people are just really busy with their own lives in some way and their leaving has nothing to do with us. Sometimes we are the one who drifts away and we don't mean any harm. Life has a way of looking a certain way when really it wasn't that way at all. Grace is so valuable in these situations. 

Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9

The best intentions and the best behavior will not change what God has planned for us in our relationships. We can desperately want a friendship to work or for that person to act in a way that best serves our own agenda, but if God doesn't approve, well, then we need to let it be. We may never get the explanation, the apology, the conclusion, or the closure that we think we need or deserve in order to move on, but when someone is clearly giving us cues that we are not welcome anymore, we need to leave with dignity. 

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. Exodus 14:14 

I would often pray that God would make things right with the people who didn't treat me well for whatever reason. That he would work in my favor and they will one day figure it out, but my even bigger request was that I truly wouldn't care if they ever did. That God would give me the assurance that even if the whole world were to turn against me, I would still trust God for peace. And sometimes God just needs to bring to our minds that grace is the gift we need to give ourselves. To be able to allow others to feel the way they feel, regardless if we think they are "right" or "wrong" about us. To allow others to move on from us whether we want them to or not, and to extend that acceptance and understanding that not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some things just need to hurt and we need to give that hurt to God and let Him heal our hearts. People are just going to do what they are going to do and there isn't a whole lot we can do to change that sometimes. And that's okay. We can still be okay. 

I don't believe that any of these people who have "left" my life were "bad" people. I have no idea why some of them didn't choose to stay on the path with me. But I've stopped blaming them and myself and I hope that if you've seen yourself in this type of situation that you'll stop blaming too. We haven't all learned to love, socialize, and make friends in the same way. People have very different perceptions of events, words, situations, and even you! There are just some things we can't control. Some of us learned some unhealthy habits, some of us have unlearned those and the people who left have no idea that we are now healed and vice versa. Some of us are loners and that's okay to function with just a couple of friends. Some of us have a lot of friends that we aren't very close to and that works too. God wants us to love people and not hurt them and do our best to apologize and make up for the hurts we cause others.  We can pray for them and we can let them go. Our hearts will make room for others. Relationships are important to God because that's one of the best ways we show His character to others. How we act when we are disappointed is just as important as how we act when we are pleased. 

How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity! Psalm 133:1 

What is the character you want to show of yourself? A person who holds on to anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, old wounds, or other unhealthy soul-sucking devices? It's time to free yourself of self-blame, blaming others, self-destruction, or whatever it is that has been dragging you down. Ask God to take this baggage from you. Heal these broken places in you, take these broken relationships, ask God if there is anything He wants you to do to heal them, and do as He asks. Free yourself of the constant questioning, doubting, and peace-stealing actions and open yourself to who God wants you to be and who He has in store for you. Trust Him for the people in your life for you to bless and to bless you and pray for those He has yet to bring into your life. I am grateful that though I have made many mistakes in the past with people that God sees my potential and my heart and continues to bring me wonderful people to love. That is the grace we can all depend on. Let's be that graceful person. 

Blessings to you!