Carrying Pain

 "It's okay to carry both the desire to want things to change and an acceptance on this side of eternity they won't change. You can carry both. You can honor both. The desire to undo some of what has been done is so very understandable." 

-Charles Stanley sermon 

This past year and a half has been very emotionally challenging for me and I have required a lot of encouragement. Sometimes that encouragement came by way of plastic containers of assorted donut holes, raspberry-lemon Costco muffins, or exactly 6 double stuff Oreos dunked expertly in ice cold milk. The resulting effect was temporary comfort and several extra pounds. By the way, over half of those extra pounds are already gone, and I am very pleased. 

This isn't to imply that certain friends or family weren't effective in offering up encouragement or that I wasn't leaning on God for what was needed at the time or that I don't continue to do so to this day. However, sometimes when things remain the same for too long, such as a pandemic or a chronic health condition, it can seem futile to keep doing the same things to try to "change" them.

 In fact, sometimes those things just keep getting worse no matter how much I pray or "look for the blessings". No matter how "devoted" I have been to doing the "right" things to derail this chronic condition, it seems committed to attacking my entire body and my soul, just as the pandemic raged mercilessly on our world. 

To be real with you, I get really exhausted, and lately, I've found myself in a holding pattern of sorts, where I'm just overwhelmed, undermotivated, and kind of frustrated. Everyone around me is in some kind of pain, and I can't even function with my own before someone else is in crisis. This pain feeds off stress and dysfunction, and boy has it been overfed lately. Sometimes it feels like the movie "Groundhog Day", only I keep waking up to the bad day over and over, and I can't change the outcome. 

Yes, it is okay to both want things to change, and also accept that they probably never will and have to carry both. Honor both? Still thinking on that. How does it look to honor painful change...

I've been asking for my healing and for the healing of others for years. I've seen their healing in some areas and for that, I praise God. I do thank God on the way to my eventual healing, but I give myself room to feel the weight of this too. There are days when I don't want to deal with this anymore, and that is a real feeling a lot of chronic illness warriors feel. I feel that God does meet us in our weakness, and there are days and weeks I don't want to feel strong anymore. It is lonely, days are long, and life is going on without me in it. I think I speak for thousands if not more, who are just trying to get through a day with a positive attitude, while struggling inside. Many with my bladder condition, 40% of them at last check, commit suicide. That is a sobering statistic, and it is quietly stifling those of us who carry this burden. 

If some people in my circle couldn't even accept that others were on ventilators, then how could they ever understand that my bladder feels like I consumed a gallon of vinegar and held it all day long, while going about my day? The contrast of comprehension and lack thereof is sometimes just too far for my mind to reach. People don't understand pain until they feel it or see it for themselves. Those of us with "invisible illnesses" go unseen. Break a leg though, and everyone in the neighborhood goes bananas with casseroles for you. 

Pain seen is pain understood. Pain understood is pain managed. Managed pain can be healed. Unhealed pain is a sure death in one way or another. It will either take your life or your soul. I'm not willing to give up either one. 

By the way, the way my husband helps anyone who wants to understand my condition-"Drink a gallon of vinegar, then don't use the bathroom all day. Go about your daily activities-work, play, exercise, shop, fun, etc... and see how you do. Now do that for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, then go tell my wife what she should do to make herself feel better." That man is my hero.  My example was always to place a sharp rock in your shoe and leave it there all day, but I like his much better.  Sometimes we need to feel  another person's pain before we speak to it or tell someone else how to live in it. Just like grief pain and emotional pain, physical pain requires honoring. 

As part of my own "pain relief" regimen, I have recently completed 25 Bible study plans on my app, and am currently working on 10 more. I listen to 1 pastor on a podcast, 1 on TV, and have several helpful books to read. I have notebooks full of Scriptures and notes, and I pray and chat with God frequently. I take 6 medications for 3 conditions I did not bring on myself, not that it should matter. I have at least a couple of people I can talk to, but anyone could use more. Kinda hard to meet people not only during a time of restrictions (now lifted), but also when your body says, "hey, no, not that". And losing friends during the politicalvirus was great fun. Not. 

My point being, I don't just sit around and wallow in self-pity, but I am very open about pain and the emotions around it because it is the loneliest feeling I've ever experienced, besides thinking the technician forgot me in the MRI tube. If someone else is feeling lonely due to chronic pain, I've got your back. As I said about grief pain, having someone to talk to can help relieve pain. It's no different when your body hurts. 

Today, I'm not wrapping up my post in great Scriptures that tell you that God is there through it all. I will just tell you in my own words that He is. I haven't been "alone" in my pain, and one way God shows up is in the loving response of my husband, who has not once complained about changed plans or an unmade dinner. God provides peace even when I'm at my worst, and I'm still able to find things to be grateful for. Only God could be behind that, because I couldn't do that on my own. 

I know there is a purpose and a plan for me and my suffering, and I know that my faith will get me through all of the trials life will certainly throw at me and you. I don't know why my life has been stalled in this way and sometimes it seems I'll never get going again, but there must be some kind of reason for  this 6 year pause, and my hope is that if I persevere, God will strengthen me and I will help someone else, whether I am healed on this side of heaven or not. 

All throughout the Bible, there is suffering, waiting, and healing, and sometimes there are miracles. I know God loves me, hears me, wants my devotion and my faith, and most of all, he knows exactly what it feels like to have vinegar poured on his wounds and rocks in his shoes more than anyone. For that, I know I already have the One who fully understands and feels my pain. He will carry it with me. 

Blessings. 

A Rich Woman

 My oldest daughter and I were discussing her desire to have a big barbecue at the house this summer, and my dread of entertaining due to the intense amount of work involved. I haven't always looked at parties in this way, but I'm at about flare week 4, and I'm exhausted. I don't remember the last time I left the house, and thinking about standing on my feet, preparing food for anyone, much less mixed company, is a daunting thought. 

Socially, I'm at a zero on a ten scale. I'm already spent before I can even start. I have nothing new to say, and when I'm in pain, I kind of just want to relax and be alone. So, yeah, no parties, please, and save your invites too. If I get a good day, I will most likely spend it trying to play "catch up". By the way, I absolutely hate that this is the way I describe my life. I love people. I miss having friends. I would love fellowship with new people. But just thinking about it is just beyond my physical and mental realm right now. 

Anyway, this led to us having a lively and teasing discussion about "it's my house too", to which I said, "well, do you pay the mortgage?" Her response probably bought her more than she bargained for when she said, "Well, do you?" 

Do I pay the mortgage? What an interesting question coming from an adult child, whose mother made a career out of raising her and taking care of the home. Did I feel a sudden, how-dare-you! coming on? Maybe, but then I looked at it as a supreme opportunity to educate her in the subject of value and worth, and not cold, hard cash.  

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, but beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. 

Proverbs 31: 10-31

As near as I can figure, I have paid mortgages, car payments, taught two students from before preschool to beyond college, counseled children, preteens, teens, and adults, including one adult male. I have done countless loads of laundry, including late night vomit laundry, walked miles in grocery stores, and spent several hours in ERs, Urgent Cares, doctor's offices, waiting rooms, practices, freezing cold track meets, field trips, fifth grade camp weekends with moms who didn't like me, furnished so many meals I couldn't count them if I tried, housed other people's kids and loved them like my own, bussed them to school so they wouldn't have to ride the wheels of iniquity for an extra hour a day, worried and cried, and went without so they could have... and I think you may get the picture, and before you think I think I'm some kind of special martyr mom, I get it. ALL moms do these things! 

I may not be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman as described above, and I made plenty of mistakes along the way. But I know I brought value to my family, and as I used to say, "If I was dead, you'd have to pay someone else for all my services. I'm expensive!" And yes, women, homemakers, wives, and moms are worth their weight in gold. Technically, I'm a very rich woman. And I am grateful to God and to my husband for giving me the opportunity and the freedom to be that woman to my family. 

So no, my cash couldn't "pay" a mortgage. And I get it, young adults are all about how much money they can make in the world, as they are becoming aware of how much things cost. But some women of this generation are all about knowing our worth and value in a world that likes putting a price on success. We want to make sure that the women after us understand their worth outside of what the world defines. We want them to know their value and worth in their homes and families too. 

While I support my daughters' career aspirations, I also hope for them that if being a stay at home mom is what is laid on their hearts to do someday, that it can be made an economic priority for them. As we said in the beginning, we can share one fried egg and cut the hot dogs in half! And believe me, we had some "popcorn for dinner" days! Having lots of things and big toys and taking lots of vacations isn't what defines a "happy and successful" life. Being a loving family who has made a lot of memories together and can actually recall those memories is something very special. So many of our best memories were made in our own little fenced in backyard on Adams street or at the family cottage. 

I am grateful that my husband saw value in having me home with our babies, and also there when he had to take several business trips in the early years of his career. He knew it was more stressful for me, but it took the extra worry from him knowing I was taking care of his girls and our home. It just felt like that's the way things should be. Us taking care of each other, raising our kids together, and we saw the blessings come in every time we thought things were going to get rough. 

Be blessed and thank a Proverbs 31 woman today. And if you're the man behind that woman, thank you for taking good care of her, and respecting her for all she is and what she does.