Carrying Pain

 "It's okay to carry both the desire to want things to change and an acceptance on this side of eternity they won't change. You can carry both. You can honor both. The desire to undo some of what has been done is so very understandable." 

-Charles Stanley sermon 

This past year and a half has been very emotionally challenging for me and I have required a lot of encouragement. Sometimes that encouragement came by way of plastic containers of assorted donut holes, raspberry-lemon Costco muffins, or exactly 6 double stuff Oreos dunked expertly in ice cold milk. The resulting effect was temporary comfort and several extra pounds. By the way, over half of those extra pounds are already gone, and I am very pleased. 

This isn't to imply that certain friends or family weren't effective in offering up encouragement or that I wasn't leaning on God for what was needed at the time or that I don't continue to do so to this day. However, sometimes when things remain the same for too long, such as a pandemic or a chronic health condition, it can seem futile to keep doing the same things to try to "change" them.

 In fact, sometimes those things just keep getting worse no matter how much I pray or "look for the blessings". No matter how "devoted" I have been to doing the "right" things to derail this chronic condition, it seems committed to attacking my entire body and my soul, just as the pandemic raged mercilessly on our world. 

To be real with you, I get really exhausted, and lately, I've found myself in a holding pattern of sorts, where I'm just overwhelmed, undermotivated, and kind of frustrated. Everyone around me is in some kind of pain, and I can't even function with my own before someone else is in crisis. This pain feeds off stress and dysfunction, and boy has it been overfed lately. Sometimes it feels like the movie "Groundhog Day", only I keep waking up to the bad day over and over, and I can't change the outcome. 

Yes, it is okay to both want things to change, and also accept that they probably never will and have to carry both. Honor both? Still thinking on that. How does it look to honor painful change...

I've been asking for my healing and for the healing of others for years. I've seen their healing in some areas and for that, I praise God. I do thank God on the way to my eventual healing, but I give myself room to feel the weight of this too. There are days when I don't want to deal with this anymore, and that is a real feeling a lot of chronic illness warriors feel. I feel that God does meet us in our weakness, and there are days and weeks I don't want to feel strong anymore. It is lonely, days are long, and life is going on without me in it. I think I speak for thousands if not more, who are just trying to get through a day with a positive attitude, while struggling inside. Many with my bladder condition, 40% of them at last check, commit suicide. That is a sobering statistic, and it is quietly stifling those of us who carry this burden. 

If some people in my circle couldn't even accept that others were on ventilators, then how could they ever understand that my bladder feels like I consumed a gallon of vinegar and held it all day long, while going about my day? The contrast of comprehension and lack thereof is sometimes just too far for my mind to reach. People don't understand pain until they feel it or see it for themselves. Those of us with "invisible illnesses" go unseen. Break a leg though, and everyone in the neighborhood goes bananas with casseroles for you. 

Pain seen is pain understood. Pain understood is pain managed. Managed pain can be healed. Unhealed pain is a sure death in one way or another. It will either take your life or your soul. I'm not willing to give up either one. 

By the way, the way my husband helps anyone who wants to understand my condition-"Drink a gallon of vinegar, then don't use the bathroom all day. Go about your daily activities-work, play, exercise, shop, fun, etc... and see how you do. Now do that for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, then go tell my wife what she should do to make herself feel better." That man is my hero.  My example was always to place a sharp rock in your shoe and leave it there all day, but I like his much better.  Sometimes we need to feel  another person's pain before we speak to it or tell someone else how to live in it. Just like grief pain and emotional pain, physical pain requires honoring. 

As part of my own "pain relief" regimen, I have recently completed 25 Bible study plans on my app, and am currently working on 10 more. I listen to 1 pastor on a podcast, 1 on TV, and have several helpful books to read. I have notebooks full of Scriptures and notes, and I pray and chat with God frequently. I take 6 medications for 3 conditions I did not bring on myself, not that it should matter. I have at least a couple of people I can talk to, but anyone could use more. Kinda hard to meet people not only during a time of restrictions (now lifted), but also when your body says, "hey, no, not that". And losing friends during the politicalvirus was great fun. Not. 

My point being, I don't just sit around and wallow in self-pity, but I am very open about pain and the emotions around it because it is the loneliest feeling I've ever experienced, besides thinking the technician forgot me in the MRI tube. If someone else is feeling lonely due to chronic pain, I've got your back. As I said about grief pain, having someone to talk to can help relieve pain. It's no different when your body hurts. 

Today, I'm not wrapping up my post in great Scriptures that tell you that God is there through it all. I will just tell you in my own words that He is. I haven't been "alone" in my pain, and one way God shows up is in the loving response of my husband, who has not once complained about changed plans or an unmade dinner. God provides peace even when I'm at my worst, and I'm still able to find things to be grateful for. Only God could be behind that, because I couldn't do that on my own. 

I know there is a purpose and a plan for me and my suffering, and I know that my faith will get me through all of the trials life will certainly throw at me and you. I don't know why my life has been stalled in this way and sometimes it seems I'll never get going again, but there must be some kind of reason for  this 6 year pause, and my hope is that if I persevere, God will strengthen me and I will help someone else, whether I am healed on this side of heaven or not. 

All throughout the Bible, there is suffering, waiting, and healing, and sometimes there are miracles. I know God loves me, hears me, wants my devotion and my faith, and most of all, he knows exactly what it feels like to have vinegar poured on his wounds and rocks in his shoes more than anyone. For that, I know I already have the One who fully understands and feels my pain. He will carry it with me. 

Blessings.