Shiny, Messy Peace

 If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone. 

Romans 12:18 

I've been listening to a couple of women on a podcast share a unique experience they are going through in life within their families. It's something that is very public. It has been very difficult to share openly. Many people know about it, don't always support them, judge them very harshly, criticize the choices they've made throughout their lives and have a lot to say, though they haven't lived one day of their lives for them.  Why are they choosing to share this very personal life experience? Because they want to help others, they want to show what God has brought them through, and because they want to show people what peace looks like within a very broken family. They are showing people that divorce doesn't have to be ugly and hateful, and that kids don't have to "choose" one parent or family over the other. They are proving that an ugly divorce can end in love and friendship, forgiveness, and peace! Imagine that. 

When you picture infidelity, divorce, and child custody, what does that image conjure up in your mind? Well, for me, it was a lifetime of chaos, bitterness, disconnection, misplaced anger, rage, unforgiveness, and loneliness to say the very least. And this view is from the live-in bystander. Imagine what the parents and children from the inside must be seeing and feeling? 

These women, with the cooperation of their shared husband/ex-husbands, have managed to work through and communicate and parent effectively through a whole lot of mess. The fact that they are sharing it by way of podcast, social media, and more recently a reality TV show, doesn't bother me at all. Because I think it's time we shine a light on what honesty, transparency, and openness and the addition of God and faith can really do in this mess of a situation. 

After spending (probably too much) time on social media, a lot of people will come away and think everyone's life, kids, vacations, jobs, and overall life experience is "way better" or "so much more fulfilling or exciting" than theirs. This could not be further from the actual truth. If people were to begin sharing how they actually got to where they are in life, that would be a much more relatable, interesting, and real story. One we could all understand and hit the "yes, me too" button. But people don't share those experiences as a rule. It's too raw, too messy, too vulnerable, and quite honestly, some people just celebrate your failures. It makes it even harder to share them. Some people feel even lonelier looking at all the "joy" on social media while their own lives implode away. 

Carry one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

Maybe that's why people give us their highlight reels and not their "real". If we really told people what we were going through, feeling, and thinking, they would probably get wide-eyed and run for the hills! Well, most probably would, and some actually do. But for the ones that stay for the mess and help us shoulder it, it's worth telling the story. When you share your story and how the Lord helped you, you encourage others to do the same. Who can tell you you're wrong about that? It's your story. That is what I respect about these women I have chosen to hear. You can't control what people do with your story. That's on them. If people want to judge what they hear, then they won't learn a thing. 

I find myself not judging these events they describe, but being touched and intrigued, listening and waiting to hear the rest. The way in which they each tell their side of the story has me hopeful and watchful for the way God is working these things out for their good.  I hear their strength coming through their trials, their perseverance, and when they talk about their own mistakes, there are no excuses. They are remorseful, sad, never willing to repeat the things they've done before. This is what it means to turn away from sin and never repeat it again. This is true redemption. My heart hears them loud and clear. 

I'm only at the beginning of the story, and to hear them tell it, it never ends. They are learning something new every day. They don't sugarcoat. They don't make divorce sound fun, and they don't promote doing things the way they've done them at all! But what they are doing is making the best of a situation that they caused, and are not hiding behind their shame or guilt, or worse yet, making their kids pay for their mistakes. 

There are times I catch myself explaining my part in a story instead of taking ownership in it, and I think there is a real difference. Sometimes I need to face my own shame or my own guilt in my part of the story. Maybe I haven't quite been able to express the feelings yet, and that's why it is hard to get there, or I haven't been able to discuss it with the person I feel I need to discuss it with. Whatever the reason, I'm learning from these women. Being open and honest and transparent and being willing to be vulnerable and not ashamed of how you feel is one part in our healing relationships with others. We can't be trying to justify our actions if what others' need is for us to take responsibility for how we've hurt or affected them. 

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. 

Proverbs 11:2 

These women are sharing their innermost feelings and thoughts, and are owning their parts in the mistakes that were made, but also the ways in which they attempted to make things right. The ways in which they forgave and actually took steps to ask the other person how they could do better. So many times we think an apology is "good enough", but I don't think it always is when your heart is still needing more. Sometimes we need to hear the person know why they are sorry. We need them to explain what they did to hurt us so that they understand. We need them to ask for forgiveness whether or not we choose to reconcile the relationship. And as much as I understand that sometimes none of these things happen and we forgive and move on anyway, these women pursued these specific actions with and for each other, and the blessing of healing was tenfold. 

They moved past a whole lot of discomfort and really messy situations in order to make things right with and for one another. Has anyone ever done this for you? Have you done this for anyone else? I can tell you that maybe it takes a lot of courage to reach out and do this, but the healing that results is amazing and the relationship that will emerge could be life-changing. When God gets involved, miracles happen. As these women frequently point out, when God wants a person in your life, He will put them there and keep pointing you to them! I find that both comforting and terrifying. Haha 

To be able to witness the healing within their big blended family is amazing, because I've never seen or heard that kind of positivity, cooperation, forgiveness, or love within one. I have heard these two women- one ex-wife and a current wife become each other's ally and close friend in order to raise positive, healthy, and happy children of a blended family. I have seen husbands on both sides forgive and participate in the health and friendship of both of these women and be productive, positive fathers and role models. How was this possible? Because of the verse above. Each person is making a  conscious choice and effort to be at peace with one another, and so it is. Praise God. 

How many times have we given up on friends and family because the situation felt impossible? Probably dozens of times. Maybe we were willing to be at peace and they were not. I find that to be the case with me more times than not. I feel that I desire to be the mender and the fixer, and it is returned to me empty. Maybe someone would differ with me, I'm not sure. I have laid my heart open bare and had it stomped on, and I've also shared my heart with those who know how to return it. I can tell you with complete surety that growth will happen in one instance and not in the other. Peace needs to be desired on both sides. Sometimes messy is necessary for a new and shiny peace to emerge. 

They end each podcast with "remember, with prayer all things are possible!" When they invited God into their situation, He made their mess into their message and their test into their testimony, as the sometimes overused statement goes. But it's so true. Somehow a couple of sassy women from the South are reaching a sassy upper Midwest woman like me, and I'm sending their message to you, wherever you are. 

It doesn't matter what kind of mess you're in or even if you're not in one at all. We can always choose peace. We can choose forgiveness and we can choose positive behavior, and we can choose love over selfishness. Most of all, we can choose to invite God into our mess and ask Him to help us do the things and say the things that we are having a hard time doing and saying. Maybe it's not a messy divorce and child custody battle that you're in, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes we're in a battle with ourselves. God will meet us wherever we invite Him in. He will help us open up the messy boxes we've been afraid to open and reveal the shiny peace inside. 

I sought the Lord and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:4-8

Blessings to you!