The Light In Me

 I realized I haven't given a health update in awhile, but it's not really my favorite thing to focus on. Physical therapy has been going well, though I'm on a long break at the moment due to some scheduling jams. Because pelvic floor therapy is a specialized type of physical therapy, only a few therapists are qualified to treat those of us with those issues. There are a limited number of these types of therapists and a lot of patients needing this type of treatment. This isn't the type of problem people talk about over the water cooler, and it's not something even a regular therapist understands, so to have someone who has "heard and seen it all" listen and be able to calm my fears has been a major benefit to the mental part of this condition. I truly appreciate my therapist, Bonnie, who has really opened some new doors for me as far as natural pain management and handling my mind approach as well. She's very patient, very kind, and works very hard! She is a blessing. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I've been having some unrelated issues, which led me to check in with my medical doctor, who I haven't seen since well before Covid. I am so used to seeing specialists that I don't usually need a primary care doc. I guess that's kind of good? I'm healthy in that weird sort of way! Well, I've had a couple of near-fainting spells after doing a lot of walking in stores on two separate occasions, and I've been so tired that I've had to take naps during the day. I walk around so fatigued that I really don't want to do anything at all, or go anywhere. I've gained weight and I can't seem to lose it even though I am on a low-carb diet and have been for quite some time. It's like my body is just sludge. When I do have a little energy, I go like the Energizer Bunny and then I collapse! It's not cute or pink like the bunny, believe me. 

So I had some blood work done, and so far it's just showing low Vitamin D, which is pretty much everybody in this snow-ridden state these days. But it could be the reason I'm having more migraines and I'm tired all the time. The weight gain? Well, I'm heading into that time of life where I'm really mad at Adam and Eve for that whole fruit debacle.  I don't know why women's bodies have to go through such rotten things, and even more annoying after you turn 50. Steve loses weight and I'm finding it, and we basically eat the same healthy things. Ugh. I've been doing strength training, as I am unable to do much cardio due to my prolapse, but exercise just wipes me right out. I'm hoping the addition of Vitamin D kicks me into gear soon. And Spring, if you could make an appearance with your bright yellow ball, yeah, that would be so helpful to us all! 

On March 22, I go and get a heart holter monitor to wear for 48 hours to see why my heart is doing fun blippity boops again, but I'm guessing it won't catch it just like it didn't the last time. I have a couple of minor heart "things" that don't require medication or monitoring, but just need to be considered if other things start happening. Having a lot of heart-related conditions in my family, I tend to just make sure I'm doing what I can to stay on top of things to stay healthy. I like to think that it skippity skips around because I'm excited to be alive, but that's my positive spin, or skip, I guess. 

Healthy. Boy, I have not felt proper healthy (why did I just hear that in a British accent?) for a really long time, and it only really gets exposed when I get out in the world a bit and see what everyone else is doing. Did you know that some people are able to run because they want to, they can, and they aren't being chased by a bear? That amazes me every single time I see it. 

When you live life with your blinders on, it's "easier" to handle what you're going through. I've always kind of "hidden" behind my uncomfortable times, not sharing them, and hoping they would just go away. I mean, people ask "How are you?" What do you say? "I'm okay. How are you?" It's not like we tell people how we really are, right? If we do, they start avoiding us in grocery stores, and who wants that? Talk about your "social distancing!" But yeah, avoiding my own pain is probably why I'm where I am, and my body has had to bear the brunt of unexpressed emotion and a failure to communicate in general. Welcome to my expressed emotion and communication blog. See, telling you here is not the same as telling you in person, so it's okay. You have a choice to read or not. All 11 of you. 

So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 

When I see others doing the things that I haven't been able to do, I find myself feeling so much joy mixed with frustration, but with hope blended in at the end. I truly love to see other people having fun, but I want to join in too! For example, I have been admittedly obsessed with a YouTuber here in Michigan, Girl in the Woods. Every night I watch one of her videos in which she is camping in the wild in a cabin she built herself or doing something so utterly strong and free.  She's strong, independent, fearless, inspiring, joy-filled, loves the Lord and nature, and I look at her like that's who I could be if I was able-bodied and healthy. I consider myself to be mentally capable and eager, and willing to learn and grow. I don't want to fear snakes, spiders, and mice or being in the spooky dark woods at night anymore! I want to be able to build my own cabin, haul my own wood, install my own stove, use a chainsaw. The biggest thing we have in common is an absolute love for God, nature, and the true joy that comes with a love of simple things. That's really where I connected with her. She's truly free, and I have not felt free. That's a problem. Can I really feel free when I feel so trapped in a body that won't cooperate with my mind or my spirit? God tells me not to fear, not to be dismayed. He will make me strong. He will help me, and hold me up with his right hand. His best hand. Come on, mind. Let's get it, spirit. Catch up, all of me. 

Fear is a big part of illness. Fear drives it, feeds it, and waits for it around every corner. Fear is the reason I started to back away from doing things, going places, wanting to be involved in anything, really. Because when illness causes you to have to back out of an obligation or fail on a responsibility, it reflects on who you are as a person. I saw it happen each time I had to turn down volunteer opportunities at my kids' school. People started to treat me differently, and of course I didn't explain that I was having 4 migraines a week. They just assumed I was a lazy homemaker who didn't want to help with the school carnival. It was frustrating, because I always tried to help in the ways that I could control, like baking or donating things. I just couldn't promise to show up on time anymore. I was sick for so many of my kids field trips as it was. No one ever knew. I sat on a bus with one of the worst migraines I had ever had, and made conversation with another mom for 25 minutes because I didn't want to be rude. That conversation was a struggle!  Illness has a way of making you feel inferior to everyone else, on top of everything else. 

 Fear- It's a big manipulator with illness in so many ways. It makes you do things out of character when you're always trying to "make up" for things you couldn't do. Couldn't be. Guilt. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Comparison. It's all there. And on top of it all, we have to torture ourselves with the same judgments that others sling at us- is this an excuse-are they really sick-is it really that bad, is this self-pity- other people have it worse-and on and on we question, because there is not much love and acceptance when you're constantly letting people down. We project it on ourselves. We end up hurting ourselves more than anyone else even tries. We lose any personality we had, trying to hide who we don't want to be, how we really feel inside. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

And believe me, when illness takes this big of a seat in your life, it can become like an idol. Likewise, obsessing over good health can also become an idol! Key word being obsessed. Not that it is worshiped, but that it is given so much focus and so much attention, that it gets bigger than God, and takes us further from Him instead of closer. When fear in anything overcomes faith in God, that is a problem. When we worry more about how we appear to others and how we are going to manage the illness FOR or around others, we forget to include God in the equation. Illness becomes bigger than God. And nothing is bigger than God. 

Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?....37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I wanted to bring this very honest thought here only to show you that it can be very easy to give up not only our lives to things like illness, but our spiritual lives and our souls as well. The body screams for attention. It is very hard to ignore the bright silver flashes and scrolling, swirling lines of an aura attack before a seizure. It is hard to deny the flippity floop of my heart these days, and the feeling of an organ prolapse and the nerve pain involved. Anxiety beckons when these things happen because I don't have any control when these things happen.  It is a fact that chronic illness exists and that there is pain and inconvenience involved. That there are things I can accomplish, and things that may take more time and things I may need assistance with to accomplish. Those are the facts. 

But the truth is (and thank you Norm Sawyer, for this distinction between FACTS and TRUTH) that God says what my "end all, be all" is going to be. God is the Truth, no matter what the facts of my illnesses may be. If God wants me lifting boxes out of my basement for donation and building cabins and using chain saws, then He will strengthen me for that. EVEN THOUGH the evidence in my past and in my present suggests otherwise. I know this because His plan is for me to have a hope and a future, and it's to heal my body in the way that is best for the purpose that He has set in motion for me. If you're not familiar with Joni Eareckson Tada's story, she is definitely someone who inspires me when I complain about my body not doing what I want it to do, or thinking my purpose on this earth is over. 

Maybe the truth is that I have let my fear and my own limitations stand in the way of my own purpose. Maybe I need to do things afraid and uncertain. Maybe I need to express and communicate when I am most afraid to do it, and let the consequences be what they may, instead of carrying tension and fear in my body. Maybe I will keep asking God to carry this pain and ask Him to help me unload it all on Him and show me HOW to walk in it.  Maybe I will walk confidently into the woods and leave it all behind, and emerge fearless, joyful, and free. Free, no matter what kind of body I have or what it can or cannot do. 

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path Psalms 119:105 

"Girl in the Woods" was also featured on the reality TV show, Alone, which my family loves to watch together. Somehow it escaped me that she was on this show for two seasons! Our family has always had a dream of building a cabin on our property because of this show. We always talked about who would last the longest, who would "tap out" first, and of course, who would be the most afraid. That would be me, I think. But now I'm realizing that the things that make a scary noise in the night are the same things that make interesting and beautiful sounds in the daytime. It's all in the shedding of light. I'm realizing that the light can be in me. I can have the freedom and the joy to live the life I want in the condition I am in by shining my light where I want to see more. I've missed so many things, and I just want to enjoy what I can and not stress about the things that aren't meant for me right now. Lord help me see it all from your point of view and in your time, and keep me from getting lost in my pain and fear. 

Some sites for you to explore if you wish to learn more about the inspiring people mentioned in my post today: 

Norm Sawyer- sirnorm.com,  Sir Norm on YouTube 

Brooke Whipple (Girl in the Woods)- brookewhipple.com  Girl in the Woods YouTube

Joni Eareckson Tada- joniandfriends.org