Nothing Empty About This Nest

Our children's independence is a reminder of how much we had to give and all that we have accomplished. It is a pleasure to remember that it is not a form of abandonment but an expression of a job well done. 

Madeline Levine 

 Is it just me, or have the last 8 years just flown by incredibly fast? What is happening to my life that it seems like just yesterday that both of my kids were in high school, and I was running around after them 24/7? Time is a wizard with an invisible wand. Sometimes I wish I could stop the clock and take a  look around for awhile before it snaps its wand again. I am now an empty nester with 2 college graduates, and their lives are moving at breakneck speed while mine is just trudging along, though somehow I've gotten older overnight.  Is this what empty nesting means? 

I need to talk to all these seasoned parent birds flying around. All these mama birds pushing those babies out to the edges of those nests with their barely wet wings. Does mama have plans to fly somewhere later that day, or is she just picking up the broken shells and hanging new photos over the old baby bird ones? What does she do when she buys too much seed at Costco anyway? Is she okay with all of this? She has to be, right? Because as everyone says, "life goes on." 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

What a weird feeling it is when life just keeps going on and there is this vacillating feeling of "it feels like only yesterday" to "that was forever ago" when remembering the lives of our children. It's a strange experience to visit the homes of my daughters. It's weird-good, since they are doing so well for themselves, and thriving in good jobs, and actually carrying themselves now. It's bittersweet because as I watch them navigate all the hard things in life, there was once a place in which I inexplicably fit, and now that place is filled by their own growth and independence.  My new role is to support, encourage, and be ready to hold those tired wings when they grow weary of flying in the world. This is what we spent years preparing them for-to soar on their own, and to not depend on us for everything, and yet we stand in this odd gap of 'what exactly is our purpose now'? We stand on the edge of the empty nest, knowing we've served our purpose, we've raised them well, but now searching for a new role as parents, and as two individual people who are still as one. 

But like any change in life, sometimes we need time to stand in it, wear it, accept it, and eventually rejoice in it.  There is a bit of grief between each stage of life, as I think back. From the time they said their first word to the time they took their first steps. Every stage leaves something precious behind, but brings with it something new and exciting. If we stay back too long looking at what we're missing, we may not enjoy the excitement and newness going on right in front of us! 

We know our daughters still need us, just like we needed our parents when we left home, and still do, though for much different reasons. We are learning to walk the fine line of when to step in and offer our help, and when to hold back. Much like when they learned to walk and we let go for the first time so they could take those first steps alone. We are learning where we end and they begin all over again. It's not an easy thing to do, when our whole world of parenting for all those years was centered on guiding and leading them and probably neglecting ourselves a bit. We now have to refocus, because they have a life to live that requires a whole different form of freedom and independence. We have a life to live too, and it starts with remembering how our own life began. We were once two young people, ripe for the world, needing our own independence and identities, and we can't ever forget that as we watch our own adult children grow into who they are apart from us. We would be wise to remember our own identities apart from being their parents as well. 

We began as a Mr. and Mrs. long before we were a "mom" and "dad." And before that, we were people too! We had a life that revolved around being a married couple and individuals. It didn't include children, their schedules,  parental responsibilities and worries. It was our time to learn about each other, have fun, and get into a groove of living the life we were planning. I always say, thank God we married young while we were still too naive to know the difference, or we may have never agreed to this deal! We laugh, because it takes so much compromise to really make a life cohesive and you have to let so much go and not let petty things matter at all. When we were young, we just let it all go, and just focused on the love and having fun, and thank God we had that blissful ignorance!  Kids do leave the nest one day, and you want to make sure you've been building a strong, healthy relationship with your spouse all along. If you focus solely on the kids and don't take care of each other, you may not recognize or even like each other when the kids are gone! I am thankful we spent so much time building a solid friendship within our marriage, because we know each other so well. We were listening to Smokey Robinson and India Arie sing, "You're Just My Life...that's all" the other night. And that says it all. Sometimes it is that simple. https://youtu.be/J0VHzp_afOo

So, as empty nesters, facing each other, and not being bounced about by the busyness of a child-filled life, we have to ask ourselves again, "what is it that we want out of this new life we are planning?" Are we still going to focus on the love and having fun? What new compromises are we willing to make for each of us to be happy individually and together? One thing we've always done is communicate how a change will affect us and what we will do to adjust. This eliminates the shock and surprise that sometimes accompanies a change, because we didn't talk it through beforehand. This mama bird may be a chatty bird, but talking through issues before they happen sometimes keeps the nest peaceful overall. 

When parent birds are left alone in the nest, they have a choice. They can look up into the sky with pride and enjoy their babies soaring high, as they taught them to do, or they can focus on the quiet nest.  One will create a new foundation, and the other may create a sense of loss and emptiness. 

"Fly little bird...your nest will always be here..." 

A new foundation can be a new opportunity to rebuild. I have joked that I may turn the upstairs into a dance/party lounge, but in all seriousness, it's a time to make plans for the future. This marriage started with two and God willing, will end with two. The children were a blessing, and it went by so fast. We enjoyed so many wonderful times with them, and of course, there are always things we wish we could have done, but we know that of all the kids God could have chosen for us, we got the best two daughters He could have ever created just for us. It's no wonder it went so fast, because good times do that sort of thing. We have sweet memories and so many fun stories to share around the table. 

Our grand vision all along was to build a life for them that they would want to share with their own families one day.  To have so much love that they would want to build more family memories with the people who loved them their whole lives. We are hopeful for the growth of our family, the additions our nest may see in the future, and for all the changes in our lives to come. There is nothing empty about a nest that is always full of love, hope, and family waiting for you to come home! 

Give the ones you love 

wings to fly, 

roots to come back, 

and reasons to stay. 

Dalai Lama

'

Just To Be Alive

 It is a serious thing 

just to be alive

on this fresh morning

in this broken world. 

Mary Oliver 

Good morning! It's a beautiful day here in the freezing mitten. The sun keeps peeking out and streaking across my living room rug where my sweet Angel is sleeping. The air is calm, and I am comforted by the soft waves lapping on the pebbled shore, and the occasional sound of the red-winged blackbird. Well, it's the sound of the Mount Rushmore DISHscape channel on my TV, but a girl can dream. I look over now and then, and my little shrimp are swimming among a few shy snails that peek out from their hiding spots among the stones. That part is really happening, as Jesse gifted me with a jar of saltwater shrimp and snails.  

I find myself with those approaching end-of-winter blah feelings lately. Can spring just hurry up and get here? I'm irritated by things that I usually ignore, and side-eyeing my teammates like they could be the enemy. I'm feeling like packing a bag and calling an Uber to take me someplace warm and just leave me there. In other words, I'm kind of strung out, flung out, and cabin-fevered out. Are you feeling it too? Oh, friends, I don't want to feel this way! Life is too precious to waste it on negative energy! 

The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see. 

Dr. Robert Holden

 God gives each person a plan for their own life. It won't be the same directions or work the same for everyone, but the desired outcome will always be for us to live a life of gratitude, blessings, and a life that reflects Him. If I ask myself, "Hey, did your side-eyeing, criticizing, complaining, irritability, and all those other self-involved qualities reflect a life of gratitude and a passion for God?" or  "How's that workin' for ya, grumpy pants?" The answer to both questions is "Nope-ity nope." Time to get myself pulled up by my own bootstraps, as someone's grandpa once said somewhere. I never had a grandpa to whip me into shape, but he'd say that, I'm sure. 

It's up to me to wake up every day and say, "What can I do to be grateful today? What can I do to help someone know God better?  What am I doing that is putting myself in a rut? What kind of an example am I? Are people better after they leave me, or do they wish I'd called that Uber and gone to a deserted island with a "Wilson" volleyball?" We have a personal responsibility to not let our attitudes, feelings, circumstances and emotions determine our moods every day.  We are not to compare our joys or our sorrows with those of another, but for me personally, there are so many troubles that I am grateful I don't have, and I feel sorry for the sufferings that others have to go through. The fact that I get another day to start over and get a fresh start is more than many people will get today. To spend it complaining about anything seems pretty shameful in comparison to what some others may be going through right now. Today I am thankful for simple petty irritations, cold weather, and cabin fever. Yeah, I have big stuff too, but God is getting me through those things too. There are good things in all of my circumstances. They are my hidden blessings, and I will use them to remind me that I have it pretty good here, no matter what.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It's a beautiful day here in the mitten, and it's true that we are getting another big snow storm in less than 24 hours. But it is winter, and our storms are pretty mild, so who am I to blather on about the realities of living in a place where the snakes aren't much bigger than my pencil? It's why we live here and not someplace warm! I can handle a little cold and a little time to be cooped up, reading my books and learning, playing John's mom on Words with Friends, or organizing my dresser drawers while catching up on old movies. I am grateful to have been given another day to be alive. That in itself is a miracle! I can spend my time complaining and being negative, or as my southern peaches say, "borrowing trouble," or I can live this one day for what it is and what it holds, and just be grateful. 

It will be snowing soon, so I will be heading out to make sure I have the preparatory bread, milk, eggs, gummy bears, and generator gas. What a wonderful blessing it is to be able to go and get the things we need. I am still in awe and wonder when watching a storm come in, from the warmth and safety of my cozy home. Enjoy your day and your miraculous life, wherever you may be. Be blessed and know that when you are grateful, it changes the world you see. 

Pity: Party of One

You can be pitiful or you can be powerful, but you can't be both at the same time.

 Joyce Meyer

 When faced with difficulties in life, whether it is death, illness, or just the ups and downs of being a human-the constant breaking of things, financial issues, or relational problems, I have two choices. I can either  wallow around and feel sorry for myself, or I can choose to get back up and praise God. There is always something to be thankful for.  There is always a reason to say, "Thank you, Lord. There is something there for me to learn and to praise you for, and thank you for another day!" Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 

Self-pity is one of the most destructive acts a human can choose. It has "self" right there in the name, so it's already going to be a problem, because most times a word begins with "self", we know it's going to be all wrapped up in how we feel, what we want, what we think, what is happening to us, how it affects us, what we look like, and we we we, us us us, me me me, I I I. It's just not going to end well. And why is that? 

Being self-centered is a sin. It completely ignores and overlooks the needs of others. It forgets everybody else, and only thinks about itself. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. Romans 2:8 It's sinful because it's selfish. It feels justified because something bad is happening, so everyone should be attentive and indulgent, but this is where it gets icky. When we don't get our way, we start indulging in these negative behaviors to give ourselves everything we want. This is why our hearts begin to harden toward everyone else. We don't even see it happening, because it's a slow build up, and once it reaches full capacity, it's hard, but not impossible to climb out. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:13

We have to be careful not to get ourselves into this type of sin. It's an easy one, in a world filled with unrealistic expectations placed on others. Our expectations can become distorted because our lives may have become hampered in some way. When I was laid up for several months after my seizure diagnosis, I found myself in a lonely place for awhile. I had to learn that the world didn't stop because mine changed. Everyone still had busy lives, and just because my life was spinning did not mean other people had to spin too. My own life didn't stop when others were in a crisis, and I had to remember that too. We can only do so much for others, and should appreciate what we are given, even if it's not what we think we should be getting. When we start thinking we should get more, that's where the sin begins. We have to rely on God to strengthen us and help us in all times, not people. If he provides people, then that's a bonus. We have to rely on God, not just in times of trouble, so that we don't find ourselves in a selfie situation.  

The key point of survival within a crisis became how much I thought about or reached out to others during my own-not waited for them to reach for me. When we love others, it should be natural because love comes from our hearts and not a place of expectation. We're thinking about what we can give rather than what we're waiting to gain. When we're sitting around in a state of anger because no one is reaching out to us, we're actually in a state of fear. Fear that we are unloved, rejected, forgotten. It won't be long before that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we begin to act the way we feel-unloving and rejected, people will begin to withdraw altogether. When we get too self-embedded, only a word from God can knock sense into us, because we no longer want to hear what others are trying to say to help. 

That's because when we are self-oriented, we make everything about us! But when we do that, it just gets icky! Everyone can see it but the person who is in it. Wallowing in that woe-is- me stuff is just so gross. Why is it when we are sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves that people don't want to sit with us or come around? Because pity parties are the most annoying, exasperating parties in the universe. No one wants to come! Everyone is invited but NO ONE ever RSVPs! Especially God. We have to make this distinction: People care when we are hurting. God cares when we are hurting. But when we get to the point where we are feeling sorry for ourselves to the point of an obvious negative affect on the lives around us, it becomes sin. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

Feeling pity for ourselves to the point of sin keeps us from wanting to serve others. We just can't get over the fact that we are in fact the only ones suffering, and therefore, the ones in need of the help that never comes. It's prideful, and this is so dangerous, and I'm sorry, but it's a big whiny baby that sits around thinking like this.  I don't want to be a big whiny anything! There is so much suffering around us, and instead of being the victim, we could be the victor. We can be the helpers! Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 So many of us become self-centered because we think we're the only ones giving in a relationship. Maybe that's true, but it could be a lack of understanding too. It could be a lot of things. There are a lot of choices to go through before it should get to self-pity, in my opinion. 

 We can't allow ourselves to become bitter or resentful, when the other choices are so much more rewarding. We can't serve God or people from a heart full of fear, anger, rage, or selfishness. We can only serve others and God with a heart focused on mercy, love, forgiveness, grace, and I can't say it enough- true others-focused love. The kind that leaves "self" at the door. Do you know how you can tell the difference? Love makes you happy. Feeling sorry for yourself makes you depressed. Easy choice. 

It's not easy to admit if we've been feeling sorry for ourselves, or acting like a victim. But God can take that mess and make it into something good if we allow Him to change us. Like all sin, it takes our repentance and faith in order to develop a life that is determined to fight the sin of self-centeredness and pity. In a world where we are slammed with the "all about me" propaganda, I just want to be one to tell you it isn't. It's not all about us. We can say the words, but it's ultimately how we live that will determine what people are picking up about our lives. Are we stuck in a pity party-or are they coming to a party of joy that they never want to leave? It's up to us. It's no one's job to fix us or make us happy. We can choose to take responsibility for our own pain, our own healing, and our own happiness too, and others will thank us for that. Happiness is in fact, an inside job, and if you are walking around with the Spirit of the Lord inside of you, you're already going in the right direction.  Blessings to you. 

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know that it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content on any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13

The Neighborhood

 "You never forget the neighborhood kids you grew up with"

When I think back to my earliest friendships, I think of a picture of my 8th birthday, with my two neighbor friends, Joy and Patty, sitting around the table in their glasses, smiling at me. A painfully shy kid who never attended playgroups and preschool, I didn't have any friends and I didn't make friends easily. I already had anxiety by the first grade, an imaginary friend named "Mary", and other issues I don't care to mention. Elementary school brought the worst memories of my young life, and junior high wasn't any better. But in my childhood, I had the comfort of my neighbor girls, and that meant I was going to have a good summer, because I could always count on them to be outside, and we did a lot of playing.  All of our siblings were friends, as we lived on the same block-our three houses joined together by my big house in the corner.  Patty's mom was a teacher, Joy's mom was always home, and my mom went to work every day, so we had at least one mom around the neighborhood keeping watch while we all ran around the neighborhood block. 

Joy had a giant willow tree in her yard, and a wonderful swing set and "tree house", in which we would hold our "lady bug club" meetings. Patty had a big old garage where we volleyed with a ball over the roof, then rooted in her freezer for fudge pops and popsicles. We would ride our bikes around the block for hours with the older siblings, playing "cops 'n robbers", and stayed outside all day, playing in our sprinkler, having water fights, and ending the day playing tag in the dark. These were the golden days of my childhood-with the neighborhood kids, the long summer days, and the carefree life of hot sun, a simple garden hose, easy friends, and green grass. Next door to my house was an old dilapidated church where we would play ball. Home base was the step by the door, third base was the big maple tree. I forget the rest. Later it would be renovated into a home, but we had some of the best times playing ball in that lot!  We ran around all day long, only coming home when our moms turned on the porch lights or started calling names. No one wanted to hear the names! That meant we were in for a bath. 

In the fall, as the multiple maples in our neighborhood would start to drop their leaves, our yard became the favorite place to gather. Everyone would grab their rakes and begin to design the "leaf house." It was a large maze of sorts, with walls made of leaves and we would all walk through it when it was complete. Then huge piles were constructed for us to jump in, and we would line up one after the other, jumping until we were all covered in leaves and exhausted from laughing. 

Winter time was ice skating out at Patty's family pond in the woods, and everyone came out for that. It was an idyllic scene you can only imagine in a Rockwell painting. We were those kids walking through the woods with skates, sitting by bonfires, drinking cups of hot cocoa. Ice skating was a big part of my childhood, and oh yes, that second trip to the emergency room was also me, I just remembered! My dad used to make us a backyard skating rink, and that's where I got those scars on my chin, and probably a concussion, by today's standards. We used to get a lot more snow back in those days, and I would build big snow caves in those giant piles by the street and sit out in them with my crackers. Later it was cross country skiing through town with my high school bestie, Sandy. 

I was a child who loved to spend as much time outdoors as I could, always mystified with the sky, whether it was night star-gazing or day, cloud-watching.  I grew up in a small farm town, just one block from the elevator and the railroad, and the sounds of night trains would rattle our big old home's windows. I would settle in deeper under my quilt and let the sounds of the train lull me to sleep. I still love the sound of a train, especially at night, and when I step outside, I still always look up at the sky and find shapes in the clouds and I'm amazed at the stars. There are some things that never change when we grow up.  

I am so grateful for the neighbors God gave me. I really consider that time in my life to be some of the best memories I have of being a child. Joy's mom was home the day I needed to go to the emergency room for a large cut on my arm. She drove as Joy prayed for me in the back seat. I was nine years old, and it was the first time someone had prayed for me, at least in that way, and that really stuck with me. Joy's family was what I would have called "religious" at the time, but I would learn later that they were church-going Christians. I always had an interest in church as a child, and I took my little 10 year old self to the nearest church on my purple banana bike to a daily vacation bible school one summer. It was there that I would receive my first bible and learn about being "saved", as I would hear Joy talk about sometimes. I would watch Dorothy, Joy's mom, hang her laundry on the clothesline in her crisp white canvas shoes, and I would think to myself, "I want to be a Christian lady who does her laundry like that one day." I believe now that it was the Holy Spirit in me, already determining who I would become, as well as all the other traits that were already forming in me from all the other positive examples in my life.  

Patty and I would spend many summers together, even after our young childhood. Patty was learning gymnastics and dance, and would teach me what she learned, so I became pretty good at gymnastics, and loved to make up dances with her. We played a lot of tennis, listened to music, rode our bikes, and probably the funniest thing-jumped on an old mattress behind her garage. I'd call it the early trampoline! Whatever we did, we were two peas in a pod, just enjoying life together at every age. Patty and I got together and wrote stories, poetry, drew pictures, and watched movies. I already loved art, but Patty cultivated it in me by taking me to stores to buy paper supplies and our favorite thing-stickers! We would go to the theater and watch the same movie 6 times and then come home and recreate the dance scenes in my backyard. Patty and I had similar humor, and spent a lot of time cracking each other up. We were two years apart at school, so when she graduated ahead of me and left town, I was pretty lonely without her. It would be years before she would reenter my life again, but when she did, it was like she was never gone. We have a lot of inside jokes and the humor starts over like it never stopped. Patty has always been that steadfast friend that I knew would always be a part of my life, no matter what. Even though we live hours apart and we don't have the time to build our friendship like we did before, I am praying that we will one day be neighbors again. We always joke that we will be sitting together in rocking chairs on one of our back porches someday.

My neighborhood friends will always have a special place in my heart. They truly brought out the best in me and touched my life in so many positive ways. I am so fortunate to have had their influence and presence at a time when I was not sure of myself and was fearful at school. When we decided to relocate to my hometown so we could start our own family, we came back "home", because we wanted our children to have my experience. Never did I feel the "you can't go home again" feeling so strongly as I did those ten years. While we had a couple of nice people next door a few times, we learned that very few people live in their homes for extended years anymore. We moved into our home hoping for long term neighbors, but we ended up getting about 8 or 9 different people in the houses around us, and not all of the experiences were positive, and certainly not what I had in mind for our children. Not desiring a subdivision life just for the sake of neighborhood kids, we relocated to the woods, where my husband had a wonderful childhood experience. Our kids had freedom to run and play and imagine, but with each other.  Although I wish they had experienced a lifelong friendship as I have with Patty, and have the neighborhood memories that I share with those friends, nothing can replace the wonder they have seen by living here. 

Patty's parents are gone now, and Joy's parents are still living next door to my mom, the only remaining residents of our original neighborhood. The Young's, where my sister and brother's friends lived, have passed on, as well as a few of the other neighbors that were once there. It's not the same bustling, playful  neighborhood as it once was before, but I can only hope for a future filled with Joys, Pattys, Eileens, Ellens, Loris, Tims, Jeffs, Toms, and many many more happy kids who play together.