If You're Reading This...

 If you're reading this....

This will be my last post, at least for awhile. I will still be writing, but not for weekly posting. I am burned out. I notice as I sit and write, I am surrounded by my untouched craft supplies, and my shelves and shelves of unread books. Books that I have been longing to curl up in a corner with and lose myself in. I miss creating in my glue books, scrapbooks, and collage art books. I have spent the last 7 months planning a wedding, and fighting the illness in my body that thrives off stress. Writing has not been the release nor the balm it used to be. It became a job and part of the stress, once I made it something I "had to do" and put pressure on myself to change the way I was doing it. Lately, I have sensed that what drew me to writing is something that I have missed and need to revisit. 

In the very beginning, I treated this blog like a daily journal, sharing my family moments and my own revelations as I grew and learned about things and people around me. As the world has changed, I have felt more of a responsibility to bring something of more substance and less "fluff" and family, but to be honest, when I want to feel better about this world, I need to share my fluff–which to me is what keeps my joy alive. I don't know that I have been that source anymore. I've become more aware and I've grown more spiritually. Maybe I just need to find a better balance of the two. This time will help me figure that out. 

I ordered three new books yesterday. Mind you, I have piles of books to get through! But after this wedding, I have plans to enjoy the silence in my mind and allow others to speak to me gently with their created words. I'm tired of my own. One of the books I ordered is True Faced: Trust God and Others with Who You Really Are, By Bruce McNicol, John S. Lynch, and Bill Thrall and another is by Lysa Terkeurst called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are. I'm sensing a theme...At my age, I know who I am. I'm just not sure if I've always been willing to share it. Experience tells me that being true to myself means losing others. Being true to others means losing myself. All of that tells me that I need to find my tribe. I'm not the only one who has said that to me.

I also enjoy good fiction and autobiographies, and I have a few of those "queued up" as well. Both Natalie and Serena have given me good suggestions, and our last enjoyable book  browse together in a Chronicles of Narnia themed bookshop had me thinking of even more titles to ponder. They still haven't reached out about my request to carry our book, so maybe they're just not interested. The state of mind I've been in says to just breathe and let it be. I'm tired of carrying so many things. 

We have some very ill family members, which requires us to dig deeper into our faith. When doing so, I find I need to feed my soul with things that help me relax and are less likely to add more stress to my life. I've taken more nature rides/walks, for one, and turned my phone off when I need some quiet time. The wedding is right around the corner and I've spent the last week sick. What that tells me is I have more to do in the way of relaxation in my mind and spirit. Because of those ill family members, we also have more physical things we need to be doing for them. Life is just a lot of things at once sometimes. Nothing takes its turn. Nothing is going to slow down for me, so I need to be the one to slow down.

A prayer card on my desk reminds me, The Lord is near to all who call on Him. Psalm 145:18 I'm calling non-stop, even if it doesn't seem like I'm getting an answer. Most days it feels like God's line is busy. I'm sure it's my fault, but I'm learning to give myself grace, believe it or not. 

If writing and sharing here becomes my happy place again, I will return. If you're reading this, thank you.