Show Me

 "You can't go back and 

change the beginning, 

but you can start

where you are and 

change the ending." 

–C.S. Lewis 

Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday with my family. I chose to spend it at a big arcade we used to go to when the kids were younger, and it was even more enjoyable with my new son-in-law and son-in-law-to-be. Finding things we all love to do as a group is very important to me. My birthday may be about me getting one year older, but it's more about me celebrating one more year growing in spirit. I also try to find more things that I can learn about or do that I've never done before. 

Steve took me to dinner on my actual birthday to our favorite sushi place, but strangely enough, I'm the only one in the family who hasn't been brave enough to ever try the sushi there. I always order the hibachi. Well, this time I tried sushi for the first time in my life. It was okay. I may give it another try sometime.  As I often say about new things, "It didn't wow me." In the car I said to him, "I'd like to get a Checkers game. I've never played Checkers before." So off we went to Target–purchased a Checkers game and played it when we got home. When you grow up the youngest child with a huge gap between you and the older ones, and not really into a game-playing family, you don't learn how to play cards and simple things like Checkers. But you do like to play Skee-ball and Centipede on a giant screen....

Lately, my mentor has been sending me Scripture and his thoughts on them. This has been thought-provoking and has applied to many things I have been going through in my life. It led me to think about this deeper. When we are open to learning and doing new things, we are also open to hearing, seeing, tasting, feeling, and knowing them too. Our senses become aware to those things that we are yearning for. What is it that I am seeking? What is it that I have been asking God to show me? Being open to it will reveal His hand and how He has been present with His answers. Proverbs 2:1-5 My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding indeed, if you look for it as silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. 

I've asked God to help me find courage lately. It's something obvious we might overlook, but life and the living of it takes a lot of courage. Just trying new things takes audacity–a willingness to take bold risks. Stepping out–whether in the world or in faith–takes boldness sometimes. I've done and said things without a safety net plenty of times. I still do from time to time, but that's not always courage. Sometimes it's just plain carelessness, and I've been plenty careless in my life. Haven't we all? I sure hope I'm not the only one who has said and done foolish, thoughtless things. 

 God is showing me these weak places in a way that has brought more awareness to my words and to my actions. I've asked for courage and he spotlights my weaknesses. We have to know where we've given up, given in, or not held the line at all in order to know where we need to get stronger. Things really do fall apart before they get better sometimes, and this is the kind of growth that both hurts but sustains us for better things. 

God is showing me that to become comfortable with and be who I truly am,  I have to stop living in fear. I have to stop living rejected. I have to face my fears and stop  hiding from the things that cause me pain. I have to fight back. Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. When I've asked for courage, it seems I'm asking God for permission to walk in my own skin. So I have to break it down a bit further and say to myself, remember Whose you are. He has chosen, predestined, and adopted you because he loves you. Ephesians 1:4-5 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will

Yes, it seems I need even more than courage, and I will probably need something new in five minutes, because I need God every minute of every day. I don't plan to ever stop growing and learning. Who I am today is not all I am or ever hope to be. I've never been a "This is who I am–deal with it" kind of person. I want to be changed by the Scriptures sent to me by my mentor, by the experiences I have with my family, by the sweet game of Checkers with my husband, who grew up in a big game-playing family but taught me so gently. I learn so much by just watching my own daughters grow into the wonderful women they are becoming. I want them to see a mom who continues to grow and improve and gain strength and change throughout their entire lives.  We can all be open to change when we allow God in to move. Like a game of Checkers, God simply started moving pieces of my life around until I said, "Oh, I get it! This is where you want me to move." 

I have done a lot of new things in the past five years, and I wonder what the next five will hold. I have a lot of passion for change and an excitement to move forward that only God could have planted. Does it make sense? Not really. I look at my medical report and my limitations and then I look at God and I say, I can do all things. I look at my circle 5 years ago and now today and say, nope. This doesn't make sense either, but You love me. Change doesn't always feel good, make sense, or yield what we think we want out of it. But when we ask God to help us with what we need, His results will give us His best. This will not just require a lot of courage, but also our faith and our ability to see past our own limited sight.