I just got one of those "A-Ha" moments Oprah's always talking about. I was reading a post from another blogger this morning. It was about codependency. When you hear that word, what do you think of? I've only ever heard this word used in college psychology or on Dr. Phil. I thought it was one of those specialty words applying to drug or alcohol abuse or "enabling". It's not special at all, it turns out.
This word has to do with me. Here is the definition given in her post:
"Codependency is when we plug into people, places, or things as the source of life. So when my life isn't going so great, I blame_______________________for being the source of my problems."
Wow. I didn't think I really did this, but in some ways, I do.When I'm not feeling strong, I have two choices.
1. Fix it myself. (source of problems)
2. Ask God to help. (source of life)
Codependency fits for both of these choices. If I try to fix something myself, I usually make myself a part of something that has nothing to do with me. If I'm upset about someone or something, placing blame doesn't do anything but keep me stewing in it with no solution. Meanwhile, I am losing my joy and peace.
Stewing=codependency on problems.
If I "plug in" and allow God in to do the damage control, I can have peace. I can know that He will let me know what to do, when to do it, and most importantly, how He wants me to handle it. While I wait, I can stay in peace, knowing the answer is coming.
Letting go=codependency on God.
So I've had the "A-Ha" moment. That doesn't necessarily mean I have it all figured out. But it's definitely something worth pursuing.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What Legacy Will I leave?
The mother in a family has a big job to do. We start out by taking care of the babies, still taking care of household duties, the laundry, the husband, possibly a job or career, pets, yard work...the list never ends. We become buffers between the world and our home. We feel responsible for everything and everyone. We have guilt that no amount of convincing can change. We want everything to be right. It rarely is. And when it all fails, it's all on us. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I doubt it. I would love to meet a mother who has no challenges.
Somehow each year as the kids grow, my jobs change and get a little more challenging. The husband is working way more than when we first started out. We always had time to take the kids places and just relax. The kids used to be content to play in the backyard or have little friends over or just watch a movie at night. Dinner was simple. Everyone just ate whatever mom made, and it was always together at the table. And mom, though challenges were ever present, found time to scrapbook, hang out with friends, volunteer at school and church. Mom was pretty busy, but fulfilled.
I don't know what happened. I thought about this as I looked at my latest attempt to keep my family togetherness a priority. I decided we needed to do the "30 days of Thanksgiving" lists and share them at dinner time. It's something we used to do when the kids were little, only we hung little colored leaves on a twig. I was a bit late getting it together, but I did mention it about 47 times, that we needed to get busy filling out the first four days. It's day five. Guess who has 5 things to be thankful for? Just me. Everyone else has blank forms hanging on the side of the cabinet.
This is just one example. I have planned day trips, packed picnic lunches, arranged family photos on a whim, made movie night or game night happen, anything I can think of to preserve my family togetherness. With Steve's job requiring more and more travel and frankly, more and more of him, I feel less and less confident that I can pull this off successfully. It takes a whole family to make it work. The girls are all into the internet and you tube and themselves, really. It's all about friends and activities, sometimes homework, projects, practice, or lessons. There are a lot of things threatening not only our family, but all families today.
Growing up we spent nearly every weekend at my grandma's house or she came to see us. Friday nights were playing cards with friends or family and playing with all the cousins. This is not even close to today's family, in my experience. Our kids are blessed by two sets of grandparents. One set is busy all the time. The other...I don't know what they do. They have lots of aunts and uncles we never see. Everyone is busy. No one has time for family anymore. It's not a priority, only on the holidays, and even then, not everyone comes.
If this is the future of my family, I'm pretty sad. I wanted more for my girls. I wanted them to have a big loving family around them all the time. Aunts who took them shopping, uncles who taught them how to do what only uncles can teach. Cousins who played pranks and giggled relentlessly. This has not been the case. So I've tried to step in and make our family home a place they would always remember. But will they let me? I pray that they do. Will they let me do what I know one day they will be so grateful for when they look back at their childhood?
My thankful list top five: 1. God's love. 2. My awesome husband 3. My beautiful daughters. 4. Angel 5. Peace and quiet. (because I need that once in awhile!)
What will 6 be? I'm really hoping it will say, "my family took the time to be thankful".
I know the future of my family doesn't all rest on me, but it "feels" like it does. Coming from "less than perfection", I want to fix in their lives what was broken in mine. Funny thing. It doesn't really work that way at all! So now that I know I have little control over some things and no control over others, I'll give control of my family over to the One who created it. And trust.
Somehow each year as the kids grow, my jobs change and get a little more challenging. The husband is working way more than when we first started out. We always had time to take the kids places and just relax. The kids used to be content to play in the backyard or have little friends over or just watch a movie at night. Dinner was simple. Everyone just ate whatever mom made, and it was always together at the table. And mom, though challenges were ever present, found time to scrapbook, hang out with friends, volunteer at school and church. Mom was pretty busy, but fulfilled.
I don't know what happened. I thought about this as I looked at my latest attempt to keep my family togetherness a priority. I decided we needed to do the "30 days of Thanksgiving" lists and share them at dinner time. It's something we used to do when the kids were little, only we hung little colored leaves on a twig. I was a bit late getting it together, but I did mention it about 47 times, that we needed to get busy filling out the first four days. It's day five. Guess who has 5 things to be thankful for? Just me. Everyone else has blank forms hanging on the side of the cabinet.
This is just one example. I have planned day trips, packed picnic lunches, arranged family photos on a whim, made movie night or game night happen, anything I can think of to preserve my family togetherness. With Steve's job requiring more and more travel and frankly, more and more of him, I feel less and less confident that I can pull this off successfully. It takes a whole family to make it work. The girls are all into the internet and you tube and themselves, really. It's all about friends and activities, sometimes homework, projects, practice, or lessons. There are a lot of things threatening not only our family, but all families today.
Growing up we spent nearly every weekend at my grandma's house or she came to see us. Friday nights were playing cards with friends or family and playing with all the cousins. This is not even close to today's family, in my experience. Our kids are blessed by two sets of grandparents. One set is busy all the time. The other...I don't know what they do. They have lots of aunts and uncles we never see. Everyone is busy. No one has time for family anymore. It's not a priority, only on the holidays, and even then, not everyone comes.
If this is the future of my family, I'm pretty sad. I wanted more for my girls. I wanted them to have a big loving family around them all the time. Aunts who took them shopping, uncles who taught them how to do what only uncles can teach. Cousins who played pranks and giggled relentlessly. This has not been the case. So I've tried to step in and make our family home a place they would always remember. But will they let me? I pray that they do. Will they let me do what I know one day they will be so grateful for when they look back at their childhood?
My thankful list top five: 1. God's love. 2. My awesome husband 3. My beautiful daughters. 4. Angel 5. Peace and quiet. (because I need that once in awhile!)
What will 6 be? I'm really hoping it will say, "my family took the time to be thankful".
I know the future of my family doesn't all rest on me, but it "feels" like it does. Coming from "less than perfection", I want to fix in their lives what was broken in mine. Funny thing. It doesn't really work that way at all! So now that I know I have little control over some things and no control over others, I'll give control of my family over to the One who created it. And trust.
Monday, November 4, 2013
My Seasons
As the last of the fall leaves blow into the woods, the preparation for winter snow begins. And as nature makes its way into a sleepy state, I have to wake up. I've been asleep too long.
Nature doesn't fight its way between seasons. It transitions gracefully. One day you see a red or orange leaf, and then before you know it, the trees are aflame, somehow mysteriously transformed while we weren't looking. It doesn't mourn the loss of its leaves and the green of the grass, yet it readies itself for the challenges to come. Snow...frost...wind, ice. Only nature knows no limitations. Nature is God at His best. It is proof of His existence and evidence that He loves us. It can endure everything. It is powerful even in it's weakest states.
This morning the sky was a beautiful purpley pinkish color, as it sometimes is on the way to school. I've said it many times before to the girls, "look at God's sky this morning. It's a God color!" I can't even name it! It's kind of orchid, kind of pink, kind of orange. But not describable. It's a God color. And it touches me. God loves me through nature.
So if God designed nature with so much love and such detail, why do I forget that I was designed this way as well? I read it in the Bible..."I am God's workmanship", Psalm 139:15 tells it all. Why do I forget, when nature screams it every day?
I need to wake up. I need to know that God painted me with His special colors too. God designed me to make someone happy. God designed me for a purpose for this great plan of His. I'm not here to be upset, angry, anxious, sad, resentful, lost, empty. I am here to be full of love, giving love, receiving love, and being a light for Christ. Why do I forget that so often? Why do I let negative thoughts destroy what I know to be true? Why do I let insensitive people decide how I'm going to feel that day? Why do I lose hope when I clearly know better?
That miracle tree out in front of our house tells me to hope. Its trunk is rotted out. It's barely hanging on, yet this year, it produced fruit. Not just one apple, but many! And that seemingly weak tree is holding on to those apples with strength it doesn't appear to have. That tree, which must be a hundred years old, doesn't know it has limitations. It just knows, "i am a tree. my purpose is to make apples."
I am a person. Designed by God. Given a purpose. To love and to be loved. And though I feel weak, I can be strong because the One who designed me sustains me when it looks like I can't sustain myself. To use my weakness to show others what can be done with God. Just like my miracle tree, which doesn't let weakness slow down its purpose.
What is my ultimate purpose? I've read books about finding your purpose, but it's not in those books. My purpose is somewhere in me, waiting to be found. Bits and pieces are revealed to me at times when I least expect it. It doesn't come on a billboard. Wouldn't that be easy? But finding what God wants for me is not something to be hurried through or frustrated about. It's like nature, it's a transitional thing. He will give me the pieces I can handle and recognize. Then he'll give me a bit more. I'm the one who slows this down. Not God.
And so I need to wake up and open myself up to new possibilities and challenges, so that I can be the effective servant God needs me to be. I need to shake off anything that slows me down and keep my focus on staying positive. It will be like nature going from spring to summer to fall and then to winter.....and then back again and again.
Nature doesn't fight its way between seasons. It transitions gracefully. One day you see a red or orange leaf, and then before you know it, the trees are aflame, somehow mysteriously transformed while we weren't looking. It doesn't mourn the loss of its leaves and the green of the grass, yet it readies itself for the challenges to come. Snow...frost...wind, ice. Only nature knows no limitations. Nature is God at His best. It is proof of His existence and evidence that He loves us. It can endure everything. It is powerful even in it's weakest states.
This morning the sky was a beautiful purpley pinkish color, as it sometimes is on the way to school. I've said it many times before to the girls, "look at God's sky this morning. It's a God color!" I can't even name it! It's kind of orchid, kind of pink, kind of orange. But not describable. It's a God color. And it touches me. God loves me through nature.
So if God designed nature with so much love and such detail, why do I forget that I was designed this way as well? I read it in the Bible..."I am God's workmanship", Psalm 139:15 tells it all. Why do I forget, when nature screams it every day?
I need to wake up. I need to know that God painted me with His special colors too. God designed me to make someone happy. God designed me for a purpose for this great plan of His. I'm not here to be upset, angry, anxious, sad, resentful, lost, empty. I am here to be full of love, giving love, receiving love, and being a light for Christ. Why do I forget that so often? Why do I let negative thoughts destroy what I know to be true? Why do I let insensitive people decide how I'm going to feel that day? Why do I lose hope when I clearly know better?
That miracle tree out in front of our house tells me to hope. Its trunk is rotted out. It's barely hanging on, yet this year, it produced fruit. Not just one apple, but many! And that seemingly weak tree is holding on to those apples with strength it doesn't appear to have. That tree, which must be a hundred years old, doesn't know it has limitations. It just knows, "i am a tree. my purpose is to make apples."
I am a person. Designed by God. Given a purpose. To love and to be loved. And though I feel weak, I can be strong because the One who designed me sustains me when it looks like I can't sustain myself. To use my weakness to show others what can be done with God. Just like my miracle tree, which doesn't let weakness slow down its purpose.
What is my ultimate purpose? I've read books about finding your purpose, but it's not in those books. My purpose is somewhere in me, waiting to be found. Bits and pieces are revealed to me at times when I least expect it. It doesn't come on a billboard. Wouldn't that be easy? But finding what God wants for me is not something to be hurried through or frustrated about. It's like nature, it's a transitional thing. He will give me the pieces I can handle and recognize. Then he'll give me a bit more. I'm the one who slows this down. Not God.
And so I need to wake up and open myself up to new possibilities and challenges, so that I can be the effective servant God needs me to be. I need to shake off anything that slows me down and keep my focus on staying positive. It will be like nature going from spring to summer to fall and then to winter.....and then back again and again.