Nature Walk 2

There are a lot of what we call "wild plums" out front. I've never seen them produce before this year or maybe I've never noticed, but they are quite pretty. Edible? I'm not sure, but the birds sure like them. 

I love the way wild ivy takes over trees, and this one is no exception. Dead trees even become more beautiful and lifelike with the twisting and turning of the little vines. Even the goldenrod look beautiful this time of year, though tell that to our allergies...

I have a special affection for wild olive bushes. I love the theory of "extending the olive branch"- to reconcile a relationship. These bushes are all over our property and they are covered with tiny little "olives". A reminder to extend forgiveness and mercy and restoration. 

Wild grapes grow everywhere around the property as well. We don't actually eat them. They are left for the birds to enjoy.

On this particular section of the property a house and barn once stood with a strawberry farm. It was pretty well known to the elderly locals here. It's been long gone, but the remnants of the tiny block house still stand.. I have blogged about that before, so I won't bore you again. I often wonder about their family and if they knew someday their favorite apple tree would still be standing....so fun to think of those things. 

This apple tree in our front yard is very old and temperamental. When it finally produced apples last year, they really didn't taste very good! But we thanked it anyway and the deer were happy with them. 

 Sometimes I forget to look down! I was blessed by another "cloud heart" yesterday as I walked down the driveway to get the mail, but I also felt blessed by this little dew-covered leaf in the backyard. 

 A few years ago, I cut a trail through the woods leading to the treehouse and placed a bench halfway through. Yesterday as I looked at that bench, I realized that sometimes loneliness is a good thing. It leads you to your Creator, and His creation. Time spent with God is never time spent alone. 

I wasn't feeling terribly "metaphorical" today, in hopes that maybe you could find your own in my pictures. Blessings to you! 

Back to Nature

I took a nice long nature walk with my sweet Angel girl today. Nature never fails to recharge and reset my soul. As always, I first visit the garden and the sunflower patch. Who can be anything but happy with all those sunflowers nodding those happy faces down on you? And just look at that blue sky!

 And truly, I have the best companion in Angel. She is so much fun to take exploring. At the first sound of the chipmunk chirp, I just know my arm is going to go flying at the end of the leash. She's just the sweetest dog. I spent a little time cutting some sticky burrs out of her, but we had a good time.

 Angel discovered this fun little tunnel in the orchard. It's one of my favorite places to walk. I have to duck through it, but it feels like a little secret garden as you walk through. I feel blessed to live on this property. Sometimes I forget that peace is just a few steps out my door.

 And here stands the "miracle tree", the one I've posted about before. This apple tree has been standing here for years, maybe a hundred years, who knows? All I know is that the trunk of this tree has been rotted out for as long as we've had the property and yet it continues to grow and blossom each spring. Last year it had many apples.

 I have attempted to blur the tree and highlight the sole apple on the tree so you can see it. You may have to look hard at the mid-right side of the photo, but it's there. The one apple that came from a tree with a rotted trunk. And I lose hope? What's wrong with me?

I took a lot more pictures, but I will share them with you tomorrow. I have more lessons from nature to share with you, but I wouldn't want to overwhelm you today. I sure wish I lived near the mountains. Now that is a metaphor for life! But I live in the woods, where some parts are sunny and some are shady and stagnant. Some are full of life and greenery and some are dark and full of fungus. Lots of metaphors there too, I suppose. Today I choose green. And It would serve me well to stay there.

God has allowed me to live here in these 39 acres for a reason. He has chosen to remove people for a reason. He has been bending down to hear me for a long time. He knows my struggles. He will provide for the breaks in my heart. This is certain. As certain as the sun that make the morning glories bloom every morning and those happy sunflowers that smile at me every day. Nature is so much kinder than people. :)

Maybe it's why it brings me so much peace....and no turmoil whatsoever.

Worn

Each day really does have its own trouble, doesn't it?  I have recently come under attack in my family as you may know simply for being a Christian. Okay, I'm used to that. It's happened before. Yep, I'm the "goody two shoes". I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. Not because I'm "better than them", but because I've been called to keep myself holy. Does that make me perfect or somehow without error? Oh, I wish! I'm subject to the same kinds of temptation as everyone else. I'm not exempt from being sick or rejected, for sure. In fact, I've been sicker and more rejected than any of them.
Part of the depression I have been dealing with has been chemically related to my seizures and the treatment, but some of it has also been related to the conditions of my heart. The fact that I have felt very let down by people I thought were my friends. People I thought would be there for me. People I thought I could depend upon. What a rude awakening my soul has been through. I have endured lost friendships before, believe me. I have seen friends pass me up in favor of others and I really just shook my head. I still do sometimes. But this last friend was the last straw. My nephew. My brother. People I thought cared for me at church. Wow. So many turning backs at once. Am I a leper? Do they follow old testament or something? Do they turn backs on sick people so they don't "catch it" too? What happened to that so-called Christian friend who goes around quoting scripture and talking about healing and attends more church than the pope? Where was she when I was at my darkest? Should I have called her to tell her my life was falling apart? She knew, but I believe hard times not only reveal true friends but they reveal lazy Christians too.
I said to my hubby, my best friend in the whole world, "is something wrong with me? why would someone be mean to me? I've been so sick for so long. Why would you treat a sick person so poorly? I just don't get this. It's like kicking a puppy. How can I not be hurt by this?"  He answered in the way he always does, "You have me, and I am not going anywhere."
So, my honest dilemma. When I feel hurt, I want to retreat. I don't want to show mercy. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to act like it doesn't matter. Because I would never treat a person with such disregard at the worst time or at any time of their lives. I do what I've done for years. I build a wall. Well, my wall has become so thick and so tall that I don't allow others in quite so easily anymore and I certainly don't involve myself in their lives. In the words of my teens, I am so done. Is that the right heart attitude. Absolutely not. But like I said, it's my honest dilemma.
So after being up after midnight, knowing I had an early morning of first day of school busyness, I am tired. But I knew I had to be praying myself through this. I can no longer take anti-depressants after having a couple of bad weeks on one. They cause my anxiety to flare up again, which is something I can't tolerate. It's the lesser of two evils, I guess, but living with cyclical depression is sometimes like knowing you're going to get a very painful shot and having the pain last for about 3 days or more a month with no relief. Not fun and it's quite a fight emotionally as you can see. You try to hide it from people and it comes off as disinterest in them. You stay home when others go out. You do a lot of things alone. You count on your friends to understand. You hurt a tad bit more than normal. It's good when people "get you".  You feel like a burden.
Today I opened up a Rick Warren post and saw this:
"Did you know that God uses your conflicts with other people to get your attention on him? If you're experiencing relational conflict in your life right now, Congratulations! God is trying to get your attention to change you for the better. When God wants to change you it always starts with conflict."
My questions remain: How much conflict and how much time?? Always, how much time will this take, Lord?
One thing this depression and these conflicts do is they drive me to my Bible and my study. With the kids in school, I have some quiet time to reflect and pray out loud without interruption. I can study a topic, listen to the materials and really get into the Word. I am re-joining a Bible study next week with some ladies who are dear to me to get the support I need both spiritually and relationally.
So, let's go, God. Let's get these kinks worked out. Because I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm worn.