Fear for Courage

"Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision." It's a quote I recently posted on my facebook wall, but it's also a quote that has stuck on the wall of my mind. The words "fear" and "courage" have carried a lot of weight with me over the past few years. Life itself can be a mess of fears, or a plethora of challenges. It's all in how you approach it. It's not always easy to see a fear as a challenge, because as the quote states, "fear is a reaction." You see something scary, you jump out of the way. Well, at least I do. The problem is, sometimes we get caught up in jumping out of the way of things that aren't scary. They're just challenging us to do something that are good for us-we're just afraid to step out and do them. We use all kinds of stumbling blocks as "reasons" why we can't do something, until our fear is justified. Oh, come on. You know you've done that at least once in your life. Maybe you're over that stage in your life now, and if you are, then you know how to help someone else obliterate their own stumbling blocks.

I understand the reaction of fear most clearly in the form of illness, as I've dealt with some form of it for several years. I didn't really put the two words together- "fear" and "illness" until recently when I was put in a position to help someone going through something very similar to what I experienced when going through my own challenges. When I saw the same reaction from that person that I myself had, I suddenly realized why I went through all of those things. And while privacy prevents me from sharing those details with you, I will just confirm that we do go through things specifically so we can help someone else go through them. I am convinced of this.

The many months I spent paralyzed by fear was a time when no one could have convinced me that my fear was unfounded. It was real to me. To be told you have a seizure disorder and to not know what the future of that will mean, is very frightening to someone who has a need for control in her life. To suddenly begin several medications and again, lose control of things I once ran very smoothly, was to pull the rug out from under a very organized, inflexible person. The result was severe anxiety and panic attacks and depression, heart fluctuations which convinced me there was something terribly wrong with my heart constantly, breathing problems (all related to the anxiety), and I could no longer drive or leave the house. I avoided people. I hid my fear and my feelings from most people, especially my kids, who only recently have learned what I went through. All of those reactions were based in fear.  Not once did I "embrace" my diagnosis. Not once did I say "I can do this". Because everything was screaming in me, "you're a mess. you're going to lose your memory. you're going to lose your sight. you're going to have a seizure in public. you're going to have a panic attack in public again. you're always going to be sick. you don't deserve a normal life." These were the voices I listened to day after day even as I smiled and listened to people tell me I would be okay. I believed in fear, and I signed my name on the dotted line of its contract. Somehow I thought that was my fate. I never thought of courage. At least not for awhile.

I began to find my courage through tragedy, when my brother died and I was forced to leave the house to make the three hour, 2 day trip for his funeral. It was after that trip, and the 2 subsequent major holidays, that I was thrown into a decision. Either choose to make fear my career path, or look at what everyone around me is going through, and see that there are bigger things to go through than fixable seizures. It was a wake up call. See, you can easily get into a "tunnel of doom" when you're hurting and can't see a way out. This is one of the reasons others can be so hard on those with mental illness, and that's why there is such a stigma to it. I can say with certainty, having gone through it myself, that when you are in the throws of depression or a panic attack, that your mind has a mind of its own, and you really can't stop the thoughts that go racing through there. Sometimes you need help with that, whether it's medication or therapy. It certainly isn't people who criticize you, diminish your feelings, make you feel bad for feeling bad, or get irritated with you for being a "tunnel of doom". Do people really think you WANT to feel that way? There are people I cut completely off because they were completely without compassion for me, yet showed compassion for celebrities. Complete silliness. All I can say, looking back, is that without the struggle I went through, I would not have the knowledge, the compassion, or the strength that I have now. And anyone who comes to me who feels depressed or anxious, will not be made to feel like an "attention-seeker" or a burden. They will get what I needed and received from people who cared. Love and time.

And guess what else you need when spending time with those in need? Courage. It takes nothing from you to spend time with happy people. It's fun to be around people who are healthy and funny and like to laugh and shop and do normal things. What a drag it is when someone needs to cry and talk about something heavy, right? Wrong. We are to extend ourselves to all people. And one thing "being sick" has taught me is patience. I have had to cancel and miss out on so many things because I haven't always been the healthiest person, so I have to pick and choose the right friends who understand that about me. So, it's no surprise to me that many of my friends have health challenges also. They have a friend in me.

And just because I'm on the subject, I do want to say that while I realized my seizures were no comparison to cancer or the death of a spouse, and was so thankful for that, at that time, I was not a fan of others pointing this out to me. I don't believe in saying the words to people who are hurting, "well, at least you don't...." because guess what? It's bad enough that they feel the way they already do! The way they are feeling is 100% real, and you don't know, because you don't feel it.  No, they may not have a life threatening condition, but PAIN is PAIN, and for someone to come along and try to convince them that they could have it a lot worse DOES NOT HELP. When they realize that themselves is WHEN THAT HELPS. Our job is to simply support them in their journey to finding that out. Validating how they feel and helping them to get there is how that happens. I cannot stand to hear someone say, "you know, someone has it worse than you." Yes, well, guess what, someone has it better than me too. Does that mean I shouldn't be happy today either?? Let's stop the comparison game and let people feel what they need to feel to get to where they need to go on their own time. If you are a praying person, pray for them and with them. That's one way to help them get where they need to be. If you are a hugger, hug them. If you are a baker, bake for them. If they like to watch tv, watch tv with them. That is called loving them back to health. And if you do all that and they still aren't better, you've done all you can do. And do it all courageously.

Thank God for the courageous people who loved me back to health when I was a mess. I am so thankful for the doctors who cared enough to call me out on my fear and asked my husband if he was an enabler! He probably was! My neurologist encouraged me to do whatever I wanted without fear and if I got scared doing something, simply stop doing it and do something else! Those people breathed courage into me. God breathed courage into me the day I left the house in my yoga pants and slippers and bought that mountain dew for Hayley when she was upset. I hadn't left the house in days, but my love for her prevailed over my need for safety. Courage. It will obliterate fear, but sometimes you need fear to see what you're really made of. And I'm learning more about myself every day.

A Season of Changes

(This was among some of the last pictures I took before hearing my brother passed away) 

Fall used to be my favorite season. From the crisp air to the changing colors of the trees, it seemed I could never get enough. It was apple this and pumpkin-flavored that, the house decorated in every corner with leaves, candles, pumpkins, and all things cozy. There wasn't anyone in my life who didn't know of my infatuation of fall, including those who attended our October wedding. 

But I caught myself telling my husband yesterday,  "summer can't end. I don't want fall to come. I don't like fall anymore." He simply said sadly, "I know, honey."

My love of fall ended on the day my brother passed away on a crisp November day. The brother I spent lazy fall days with raking leaves and making "leaf houses " and mazes. The brother I carved pumpkins with, and trick or treated with as a child. The brother who left for college on one September day and broke my heart, leaving me at home alone. The fall that once held so many strong childhood memories now leaves a bitter reminder of a season I won't soon forget. While my brother was 50 at the time of his death, I had to come to the realization that I was mourning the young brother I knew at home, because that is who I knew the best. That is who brought me pretzels and root beer, hung up on boys who called me too late at night, and told me I looked pretty one day in the 8th grade. Oh, and he cried as he danced with me at my wedding. Grief is so unpredictable. I mourn him in stages-who he was at different times, and the memories that we shared as siblings. I sort of covet those now. Anyway....I haven't really thought about all that for awhile...until I attended Steve's grandma's funeral on Saturday. 

Maybe not so strangely, I have replaced my love of fall for a new passion for summer. While the turmoil of illness surrounds two of our loved ones, we mourn a recent death, and deal with other life challenges, summer has connected me even closer with my daughters, my sweethearts. Because they are home with me all day, we laugh more, spend more time outside, and help each other through the hard things.  I guess you could say that as I enter the "autumn" phase of my life, I am appreciating more and more that my daughters are becoming my friends as well. Well, the 18 year old one a bit more, I suppose. Still some mothering to do, of course. 

I appreciate the brightness and the warmth that summer brings. The morning that just shouts possibility as I lace up my running shoes. The pool with its rippling, clear water, and my flower beds, always needing me for some attention. It's full of life, action, adventure, and the romance of those star-filled skies that keep me up late into the night. I still like fall, but I don't look forward to it anymore. Life has been changing too much, too fast, and I can scarcely keep up with it all. The coming of fall used to be a sweet reminder of a much-needed rest from the heat and busy days of summer. It used to signify a time to slow down and come inside. But all of that just gives me too much time to dwell on the changes I don't want to face. I would much rather stay outside with my face toward the sun. Wouldn't you? 

Eight more days, and my oldest sweetheart leaves for college. The leaves will turn, the air will turn crisp, and soon the pool will be closed for good. The flowers will die off, leaving piles of dried vegetation in their places. So much change, too fast!! Stop!! 

But life won't stop. It will simply pause and take a break for a season. And I will too. I won't have a choice in the matter. The painful thing about life is that nothing ever stays the same. The good thing about life is that nothing ever stays the same. Somewhere in all those changes I just have to find all the blessings and keep growing through these seasons, remembering not to hate the season, but to learn its purpose for my life. 

And to move through these times with courage and grace, realizing I can't avoid change. I can only embrace it. (I hate that word) I can only accept what is to come, because if I refuse, that means I remain stuck in the last season. Much like grief...moving forward is key to healing. It took me a long time to realize I was grieving the changes in my life-girls growing up, friends changing, life in general not what I expected...typical stuff, I suppose. But grieving those things just keeps me chained to them, and that's not what I want or need for my life. 

There is a time and a season for everything. While some seasons hold a lot of bad news or rough spots, and some bring back memories I would rather forget, it's not the season itself that I should avoid. It's the way I approach the changes, and the amount of courage I apply to them. 

Can I enjoy fall again? Can I watch the leaves change and fall with the same passion as I did before? Maybe not yet, but one day I will. There's always hope to be found in change. 

At One with the One Who Made it All

In a world where so many take things for granted, I hope I never get tired of looking at the sky. Not just at a sunrise, a sunset, a rainbow, but every day, just the sky, because it is full of wonder just in it's ordinary blueness. I hope I never cease to be amazed by the power of a thunderstorm, the way the thunder and lightning can still both excite and frighten me, sometimes like a child. I hope I never get tired of being enticed by a body of water, the way the waves beckon me in, or the way sand feels so wonderful on my skin. I hope I never grow tired of all the wonders of nature-the indescribable colors, sounds, scents, and emotions each one evokes in me. How I can never stop looking at all the different rocks on the beach, wondering how they all came to be. Just like a song goes..."I hope you never lose your sense of wonder." Well, I hope I never lose mine, because it's the one thing that makes me appreciate life and helps me to bring joy to others.

I don't want to take life for granted, forgetting how special life really is. And my hearts...to find the hearts I see still takes me by surprise, and amazes me as if it's the first time I'm finding one. Each one means something to me, even if they are taken for granted by someone else. The sky is taken for granted by someone else every day, as are the waves, the scent of the woods, and the way the air cools just before it rains. Some people will never notice any of these things even if someone points them out. They're too busy, too preoccupied, not living in the moment, too caught up in themselves, or maybe the wrong things altogether. But the world around us is bigger, full of the things that deserve our attention. The things that stir our spirits and transform our thinking, calm us, and make us gentler people or maybe more energized people!  To be anything less than this is to miss the point of nature entirely. We are to be moved by the life around us. Some people aren't moved, or they take it for granted entirely.

But I won't be one of those people. I watch to see where the sun glints off the leaves in the trees. I see the shadows they make on the ground. I am mesmerized by a cool night breeze and the sounds of crickets, the way moonlight dances on water. I notice it all, and take it in as if it's my life's work to breathe it in. And maybe that's why the hearts come to me. Not just hearts, but amazing things have been revealed to me in nature, and why should I be surprised? This is God's creation speaking to me! And I am listening!

I will always be amazed, always be surprised, and always seek with eyes full of wonder, His creation that was placed here for us to enjoy. The whisper of the pines, creak of the mighty oaks, the ripples of the sunset over the foaming waves. And the sounds of it all, lulling me to sleep, or coaxing me awake. My body in tune with the One who created me. This is where healing can begin, where communication with God and yourself can begin, and where truths can be found. Nature really is my refuge, and while others complain of bugs and heat, I can only see beauty. That's the difference between appreciating what you have, and not realizing how good you have it yet.

Be blessed!