It's Not That Easy to Just "Let Go"...

"Sometimes people are a lesson, and sometimes they are a blessing." That's a quote I've seen around, and although I'm sure whoever said it had an experience to back it up, I wonder- can a person be both a blessing and a lesson? I guess I'm assuming the lesson is a hard one, and not one that you necessarily wanted to learn. I'm assuming the blessing is a good one too, picturing something pleasant and wonderful.  But sometimes, blessings and lessons don't come exactly as we imagined.

I have a person in my life, or at least was in my life for a time, that I considered a blessing. Everything seemed wonderful and things were pretty as a picture, for lack of a better image. But as time went on, the edges of the picture began to curl. The picture itself began to show wear, and the person in the picture began to fade. What I thought was real was just an image and what I had left in my hand was a piece of empty paper. What I had left in my heart was a very hard lesson.

As I reflect over the past couple of days of my "love" and "expectations" posts, I wonder how this fits in. How do you truly move on when you realize that a person you care about doesn't care about you at a time in your life when you need it most? I think it has happened to many of us. It's a hard lesson, and it's one that has caused us all to question ourselves, and to definitely question that other person or people, in some cases. How do you really make it okay to be okay with not getting the response you expected/needed/wanted? Does it become unhealthy to hold on to hope? Does it mean you don't think enough of yourself? Does it become codependent when you can't let go? I have asked myself these and many other questions when struggling to cut the chains of a person who clearly has already cut mine, or at least I feel they have, based on results. And what do you do if it's a family member or members? It's not that simple to just "move on" and "let go" in some cases.

So what makes us unable to move past a person who we wanted to make amends with, but he or she just doesn't seem to want the same with us? What if that person is a family member and your personalities are just so different that you just can't find a spot to land on together? Sometimes peace is found in just understanding that there are things we can do something about, and there are things we just can't fix on our own. My daughters have been through this, I have been through this, and we will all continue to face these same relationship issues for our whole lives. There is a time to fight for the people in our lives, and there is a time to gracefully let them walk away. I wish I had a clock to show me exactly the timeline of where all of that takes place, because in between is a whole lot of confusion and hurt.

I attempted something in order to bring some peace to myself, and instead it brought another lesson. I was looking for an answer, and I got one, just not the one I was hoping for. But because it was something I had been asking for in prayer, I had to also call it a blessing, because it may have been God's way of answering my questions. I just didn't like the way it was delivered. It was hurtful, like a band-aid being torn off without a warning. I think it was God's way of telling me, "I've shown you this person's colors. Don't repaint them. Don't excuse them. Don't tolerate this.This is not good for you. Please pay attention."

I heard the lesson. I understand. Sometimes we work so hard trying to look for the good in someone because they were once so good, and we hope it's still there somewhere. I hate giving up on people, because I know sometimes life is harder for some,  but I also know it is not healthy to remain in a friendship or any type of relationship with a person who inflicts hurt, whether intentionally or not.
I tried very hard to be a blessing to this person, who now treats me as if I am an acquaintance down the street. The person who once cared about every one of my medical appointments has not even asked the question "how are you", and my father died in January of this year. Even when given a blatant opportunity to ask, instead talked about a recent vacation. And you might want to ask me why it is so difficult of a decision to let this person go. Because I always believe the best of people and it's always so hard to believe the worst. But this time, I have to, because I have to surround myself with people who lift me up and not people who aren't interested in the most significant things in my life. It's called survival. I have to take care of myself this time.

So if you have any reservations about letting someone go, just remember your worth, and remember your focus. It should be on those who truly invest in you. It may be hard to forget the hurt someone has caused, because though we want to forget, a broken toe always commands more attention than a healed one. But we must consider our blessings first. Who is there when you fall? Who shows up for you? Who asks, how are you? Who really loves you?? Those are the people who deserve your time, attention, and focus. And all of the time in the world can't fix the people who don't appreciate you right now. If you're a believer, as I am, let them go, let God fix them, and you go off and be at peace. They may never appreciate you, may never know your worth, and may never return, and we just have to be okay with that. And the reason we can be okay is because we are already getting what we need. God will make sure of it if we only trust Him with that part of our lives.

Real Expectations

When you're caught up in a storm of grief, the clouds actually bring clarity, unlike the usual meaning of the word, "cloud".  Grief "clouds", as they shroud you in their grayness, bring clarity to your feelings, but not so much to what's going on around you. It becomes evident what and who you need around you, and it also becomes evident who and what is available (or not) to help with those needs.
Clarity. Not always something that helps you sleep at night. What helps you sleep at night is knowing that everyone you love also loves you. That everyone you care about also cares about you. But the truth is, if anyone in your life can sleep knowing you are crying yourself to sleep at night because you don't feel loved by them, well, they don't really love you at all. Clarity.

I find this topic interesting, as I research love and relationships, not just romantic relationships, but friendships, family bonds, and any other type of relationship that might ask itself, "is there love here or not?" This is not about stalkers, co-dependents, or angry ex's. This is about genuine relationships based on genuine trust, authentic bonds beginning with true companionship and a melding of souls. So why would you ever have to wonder if that person is there for you or not?

Expectations. The other day I talked about loving someone well. Showing love and sharing it so that it comes truly from your heart and not your brain. If you're doing that well, it is pure and not questioned, right? I still believe that. It's only when love becomes based on what you're going to get back from someone that the motive gets called into question. Do you love the person because of who you are, or do you love them because you're getting something in return? Because once you're no longer getting what you need from that person, your love will become evidently conditional, and gone. The result? Pain.  You will not only cause irreparable harm to another person who genuinely cared for you, but you will hurt yourself, because you have lost your connection to a  person whose honest heart invested in you. This is what happens when you don't love for real.

And what about us? Are we loving people genuinely or are we still waiting in expectation for them to love us the way we need/want them to in return? I can honestly say I have not always mastered the art of loving freely. It was a hangup of mine to want someone to care for me as much as I cared for them. I  would get very invested and subsequently very hurt because I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that maybe the other person wasn't as invested as I wanted them to be in the first place. So I settled for a very imbalanced relationship, ignored the warning signs, and then blamed them when they would eventually disappoint me.  What took me way too long to figure out was that I needed to seek out the people who already had what I needed! They were already deep-thinking individuals. They were already good listeners. They already accepted me and wanted to include me! They were already sensitive and understanding, and had good insight on life. They knew the meaning of give and take and seemed to "get me" in a heartbeat. Once I met my tribe, I knew I no longer needed to "convince" anyone else they needed to "love" me. I could let my expectations go, and with that a lot of people who just weren't meant for me.

But is it that easy? Absolutely not. I still struggle with letting certain people in my life be as they need to be and not as I need them to be. While my needs may require them to be more loving or more sensitive or more talkative or just more present, I have to remind myself that they don't love the way that I do. I have to let my expectations for that person just ride out on the storm clouds, and let that be my clarity.

There is peace to be found in letting people go, though it is one of the hardest things for me. Moving on is like giving up! But it is also wise to know when to hold them and when to fold them, as they say in poker. Well, I'm not a poker player. I do believe that if we are willing to let people be as they are and not who we want them to be, eventually we will have peace in the decisions we all make. Dropping our own expectations and letting people live as they choose and love as they only know how may be the only way we can have a real relationship with them at some point in life. I think that might be the best definition of real love right there.

Love without Boundaries

What I learned about life through continuous loss is that love has no boundaries. In fact, the force of pain pushes us past our own boundaries into the unknown that becomes known as love itself-raw and unhindered.  Love is not a "brain" decision, but a heart-jerk movement, at least it should be if you are paying attention to the people around you.

Love isn't about conditions, judgments, and blame. It's a far-reaching, extensive stretch of our own selfless giving to another.  We don't stop to think about whether or not it fits into our schedule. We don't wonder if it's the right thing to do. We don't do it out of obligation or pity. Love is a pure gift of self we give without thinking, without hesitation, and without a price or time limit. We love because we were loved first. We love because we were born with an innate capacity to love others. And we love because we really don't have a choice. When the heart moves, it's already been spoken for. All you do now is move your feet, your arms, your hands, or maybe just your fingers. However love moves you, move. If you ever stop moving, you've stopped loving. You'll know, because you'll be empty inside, wondering what on earth is missing in you.

When love is withheld, it is also felt, just as fiercely as is love shared. It will be felt by you and by anyone around you. Love is powerful. It doesn't want to be suppressed or hidden, and it doesn't want to be disguised as anything but the real thing. Real, true genuine human love for another desires to be as obvious as the sun in the sky.  For love to be effective, it has to be unhindered and expressed, unafraid of what others think of it, and unaware of boundaries! Love is boundless, after all. I want to be boundless with my love.

Love can comfort pain, though it can't change the pain.  I have learned that through too many funerals. It can bring new people into my life that I never imagined. Just as not-so-genuine love can move people away from me at the same time. Real, genuine love that asks for nothing in return is the most effective in healing. Love that actually asks, "how are you", and then waits for an answer, and then responds to your answer. That is love. Love keeps asking. Keeps hugging. Keeps checking. Because love can't bear for your heart to keep breaking, because your broken heart breaks theirs too. That is real, true, heartfelt love. Not just "sympathetic love", not a guilt-driven emotion, but a love that knows what another heart needs to get through another day, and reaches out to say, "I am here. "

We're all busy. We have families, jobs, schedules, in-laws, out-laws, lawns, houses, cars, and the many other "life things" that keep us going 24/7. But somehow, we need to find time to love. Not just ourselves and our own, but others. It has meant so much to me that busy people have reached out to me after losing my dad and my brother-in-law so close together. They are really good with my heart. People I wouldn't have expected to care, but felt moved to show love to my family. That is what love moves people to do if they are paying attention. I want to pay attention. I will admit, my efforts have backfired on me a few times, but my heart was always in the right place. I believe if you do things with love in your heart, it is always for the right reason. I don't see the point of life if you're not giving your love away.

Love never fails. That's what the Bible says, and I have to believe it, or I'd give up. It's not just a feeling. It's a commitment, it's an action, and it's always worth the time you give it.