Hopeful Shoes

 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 

To glory in my sufferings, now who would really want to wear those shoes? Someone who can imagine and desire the end result, that's who. The end result, meaning the kind of character and personal growth that is developed when I choose to trust God with the disappointments, the injustices, the emotional and physical suffering, and the adversities in my life. Kind of like our parents told us to do our chores as children because it would "build character". Well, it did, didn't it? Why would suffering build my character? If I choose to allow it, I will focus on what God is trying to do with my life going forward, and I will continue to grow in new directions instead of  simply fixating on the suffering part. If I do nothing but complain or stay angry, I can't learn anything new in that position, and eventually I feel my faith would probably suffer as well. 

And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 

I've been shocked by trials, and I've been numbed by them. If I'm honest with you, I probably live in fear of them, but I know that's a dichotomy in itself. I want to grow, but I'm afraid of what it takes to grow. Ever hear of growing pains? Maybe that's where they got their name! I've had to learn to cry (I was never one to cry before 2014), put actual spoken words to my feelings (writing is easier), express emotions I am not comfortable with (anger is not fun), and I've had to learn to trust God with every uncertainty, every uncomfortable feeling, and every wrong move. Every time I plan a "strategy" in my head that I know is something I've already prayed about, it's just me not trusting God for the plan He already has in mind. I have to remember, God knows I'm suffering. He knows I hurt. But He also knows that if I see it through, He will use this to change me for the better. 

The trials of life are never-ending. I've never met a person with a trial-free life, and the more people I meet, the more I see that my suffering doesn't even compare to theirs, not that it is something to be compared. I've witnessed people who were very strong in the face of great trials, who claimed their trust in God for this amazing confidence. People who have been able to walk through devastating losses and situations, who were still standing at the end, praising God for the blessings they were able to see and receive in spite of it all. Their situations didn't change, but they sure did. That's why you'll hear me say often, "I don't know how I'd get through any of this without God." I want to be that peaceful person claiming my faith. 

Sufferings don't always have to involve great tragedies and loss, or even my health to threaten my faith. As I mentioned above, sometimes I start developing "strategies" in my mind to try to "fix" things that if I was honest, are probably beyond repair! It's that hopeless maniac in me that still thinks "all things are figureoutable". I fester and fixate on old messed up relationships or current relationship issues, that honestly, I couldn't fix if I tried again and again. I have already given these relationships over to God, yet I continue to turn the issues over in my mind. Why? 

For the same reason that I want to be healed physically. To feel better about the whole thing! The wait is excruciating sometimes when I've asked God for help and I'm still in the waiting room. But faith not only asks, but it requires me to wait. Faith requires my trust, and it also asks me to do what I can do in the meantime and stop whatever I've been doing that isn't being patient and faithful. 

This can be applied to my attitudes about the state of the world as well. I can still have such a negative response whenever I hear something on the news that makes me angry, so obviously I haven't trusted God with that yet either. And maybe I haven't fully forgiven who and where I need to forgive. That's a big one. I have work to do. 

I have to take my own responsibility when it comes to healing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I can't be negative, angry, unforgiving, and full of impatience, thinking that is the perfect set up for God to bless me with any kind of peace, spiritual wisdom or a healing touch. And I don't think I really live that way as a rule, but I have to be careful not to get in that kind of mindset in any way, shape or form. There is no fear in facing trials or suffering when I can accept that my life is firmly in His grip for my good. No matter what is going on on the outside, I can still be grateful and thriving on the inside, and that is the hope I stand in. Those are the shoes I want to wear! 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Choices

 "Faith is like a radar that sees through the fog." Corrie Ten Boom

It may seem a little strange to certain people on the "outside" of the glass looking in, that I could continue to thank the Lord, and endorse His promises, even while I spend most every day in pain, and things don't look very promising for me. But something that has never wavered in my walk with God has been my faith.  Through it all, it has become apparent that I have a choice. I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to see my blessings. No matter what anyone else says or does, I always have a choice to remain in whatever choice I made. Blessed or bitter. I choose "blessed", and it's not always as easy as it sounds. No matter what the sign over my kitchen sink says. 

Right behind my house there is one of many trails. On one side of the trail there are many rows of pines with lifeless gray branches. You have to look up to see the life in the trees, as they are competing for the sun to survive.  On the other side of the trail there are new and sprouting pine trees, vines, ferns, and tall grasses. During the summer and fall, the sun illuminates the green side, making it a beautiful quiet spot to visit. It is a slightly different ecosystem, with the addition of frogs in the spring, and with the large oaks and maples surrounding, it feels almost parklike in my little spot. I can either focus on the brightness and life on the green side, or I can turn my chair and focus on the shadows and grayness on the other side. The choice is always up to me. When I drive down that trail, it always brings this bible verse to my mind:  

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deuteronomy 30:19 

I choose God, and I choose life. I choose healing and the bright side. 

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28 NLT 

 Because I love him, and because He loves me and gave me a purpose, this will all work out for my good. I don't know how, and quite honestly, if I wrote down the obvious facts, it would look pretty negative at times. Enter faith, and that's why I need it. However, I can thank Him for the many blessings around me-my family, friends who are more like family, my sweet little dog, living in this amazing haven of nature, and so many more. I'm still here, and I'm still a giggly goofball most of the time, and God has allowed me that strength and determination, my humor and spirit to get me through these challenging days. 

Being grateful for what I've been given through these challenges has helped me grow my faith. It is really hard to be depressed and negative or even angry at God when I am grateful for all He has given. Along the way, I can see where God has had a hand in sending me a friend, a doctor, and the type of husband and lifestyle I would need to get me through this. Would I choose an easier life if I could? Sure, but who wouldn't?

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Just believing and having faith in God has not stopped my physical pain, and even while praying for relief, I sometimes don't get the relief I desperately need. It doesn't work that way, exactly. But I think of the ways my pain has changed the people around me, and maybe those prayers are being answered in different ways. Who I have around me are compassionate, sensitive people who know how to reach out and love others anyway, but especially those who suffer from chronic pain or illnesses. 

By caring for me, they serve God, and they really get it when it comes to seeing the pain in others. That is exponential in these hurting times! We must know how to see another person's pain and meet it with love and compassion or we are doomed. When I hear my daughter speak understanding of her friend's chronic condition, and the way she really tries to learn about her condition so she can be more helpful to her, it just makes me even prouder to be her mom.  When my family helps me or simply listens and understands, or they see my reliance on God, it helps them to see God more clearly too. Pain can be used well if it is received in this way. 

 When my Physical therapist says I must do the hard things now and think about my long term health, not my short term discomforts, I think of all the times I ask God to take this pain away right now, because I just can't bear the waiting any longer. What good is this pain doing, God? What do you want me to do with this? Faith definitely requires that I trust the things I can't see yet, and believe even when the evidence looks grim. Sometimes pain relief takes a little longer than my human body can handle, but sometimes I wake up and say, "hey, I don't have much pain today! Let's dance!" We must do the things that don't always feel good right now in order to get the long term results. There has been a real shortage of that in the world and it shows. Pain teaches patience with ourselves and with others. We could all use a little lesson in pain. 

Choosing to believe that this pain must have a purpose has also given me the ability to see the good in situations that I didn't initially understand or accept at first. When I found that another condition had appeared, I became afraid and I panicked a bit. When I learned that my former specialist had retired, I thought, "What am I gonna do without her??" There were no openings, and they were saying they couldn't get me in for months, maybe a year, and I was just lost. But then, a cancellation, several openings, and within 2 weeks I met with a new specialist who has basically turned everything around even more than the last one!

 If I had never gotten this condition, I wouldn't know what I do now, and I would still be suffering with other symptoms. This new and upsetting condition has led to finding some relief for my relentless pain of the other condition. Now, that is to be acknowledged! Thank you Lord! Sure, I have a new problem, but I also have a new solution. It's all in how I choose to see it.  God worked it all out for my good, even when I started to lose hope and question everything. He wanted me to trust Him first, not after all was worked out. That is when faith is truly "seeing through the fog", and I know I have a ways to go.  Sometimes I am still Peter, "walking on my water"- writing down all my healing scriptures, listening to my podcasts and sermons, feeling all "faithed up"- then a wave comes along, and there I am, gulping down the water, crying out for help. I can take my eyes off God sometimes, and I always wish I hadn't! 

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18  

Just because I'm a Christ follower and I am grateful and blessed and all those great things you read on plaques in gift shops, it doesn't mean I have it all figured out or that I have a sugar coating on my life. I've heard many things by being in "support groups", and believe me, about 90% of what I read was anything but supportive. Sometimes when a person tries to be positive about pain, they are accused of being unrealistic. But I can be both positive AND realistic when I walk through pain with the Lord. 

That's the difference. In the case of pain, "positive" doesn't have to equal "good". It just means there may be something good coming from it at some point, and to not discount the possibility. It doesn't discount giving compassion and love at the point of pain either. It doesn't dismiss anyone's pain. But understanding that we can still thrive with pain and not stay angry or depressed while under the influence of pain can be our superpower. To me, that takes trust, faith, and belief in God. I could not survive this illness and the roller coaster that is is sometimes without Him. If I allow it, this suffering will reveal a glory (value, worth that results in praise) that isn't even worth comparing to the pain I went through to get it. That's pretty amazing, I think. This is how I stay hopeful. This is how I hold on. 

I am truly blessed that I don't have it worse than I already do. There are far worse things that could happen to me, and I have so many blessings and so many good people around me, that I really can't complain too much at all. One of the coping strategies my specialist recommended was writing, and writing does help me to hammer out many of the conflicting emotions and problems of chronic illness. What I am learning is that when I get out of my own way, I am able to see God's hand moving in my life, and using this illness to mold me into who I asked Him to make me-the woman He created me to be. Maybe I will get there in pieces, but I will finish there healed. 

I Met Myself in Pain

 "When she remembers to look at herself in a spiritual light, she sees the deep capacity for love this pain has brought her. The realization fills her with wonder. Now she can rise in the morning and greet the new day with eagerness and grace." -Harold Kemp 

With pain as a constant companion, I have found that it is like anything extremely difficult I've had to endure. I've learned to not embrace it, but to include it in a way that ends up deepening me. This is both a blessing and a curse. Pain becomes its own language when spoken, and is only understood completely by those who speak it, treat it, feel it, and carry it.  Pain is lonely, isolating, imprisoning, desperate, burdening, strength-sucking, and a constant battle for your mind and body, a constant feeling of loss while trying hard to hold on. 

Some days can be a desire to give up mentally, a temptation to give up physically, and some days it's both. Those days are the worst. 

While everyone is going about their days being "busy", those of us in pain are just busy trying to stay afloat.

When I try to explain my pain, someone has a story, a remedy, a comparison, a solution. But they don't understand. No two pains are alike. No two diseases share the same treatments or solutions. What worked for you is hurting me, and you not listening makes me not share my pain at all. "Getting out" and "staying positive" are just words when you haven't met pain eye to eye. When you don't really know what it takes for a person just to get up in the morning or walk from one room to another. This is how pain becomes isolating, and isolation leads to more pain. We are the ones who are most hurt by "share your blessings, not your burdens." Please don't listen to that. Share your pain. Find a good therapist who specializes in long-term illness. 

This pain reliever or that pain reliever doesn't work for this, and no, surgery isn't the best option either. That's why it's chronic. That's why it's a problem. That's why it affects my life in this way, and that's why not all pain has a "reliever". Be glad if all you have is a headache, a cold, or a stiff knee. There are remedies for those things. They pass. 

With chronic pain comes a loss of freedom. A loss of the ability to come and go as I please. To go and help others or attend important things with my family. It is a blow to any kind of socializing, though with Covid, I don't really care to socialize anyway, so that has actually helped. But to not be able to go for a long walk, or even a short walk has left me anxious, angry, and feeling punished at times. If you are sitting here reading this, wondering if you should start that exercise program and you have a healthy body, please do it today. Don't take a healthy body for granted. Move as it was designed to move. Mine will not allow me to do that anymore without terrible repercussions. 

Chronically ill people will tell you they experience chronic grief as well. Grief for the life they have lost, and grief for the potential they are also losing. We are often expected to represent strength, courage, and resilience, though I can tell you personally that I am sick of all of those terms. I would much rather show you what it really feels like to have the rug pulled out from under me and be honest with those emotions. I am angry. I took care of myself and I put good things in my body. Why all of these things happened to me has no rhyme or reason. It just happened. 

When I see ridiculous people acting idiotic on TV, treating others horribly, one of the first things I think is, "wow, and they have good health and look at all the negativity they are breeding out there." Here I am, sitting here with the good I want to give, and I'm stuck here at home in pain. Yes, I say this because it's how I really feel. I hate running with a passion, but if God healed me in an instant, I'd sign up for a 5K tomorrow. Hold me to it. Believe me, it would be the best day ever and I may even post it on my sleeping Instagram! 

I hear others making future plans and sometimes I can't help but be frustrated and disappointed that I can't do that. I can't plan for a wedding 4 months from now because I don't know if I can make that long of a trip. I can't predict the next 8 hours or tomorrow. Someone else's setbacks are easy to reconfigure. Mine feel like attacks, because they involve every part of my being. 

Maybe you are questioning now my opening quote? I have not forgotten my faith. I have not forgotten God. I have not forgotten how changed I have become throughout this pain journey. But I feel the need to explain the truth of pain before I can explain how I can manage to live in it. Even though I have faith and I have belief in God, it doesn't change the fact that my pain is real. I'm not Suzy Sunshine claiming joy when it's not like that at all. I can still feel all of those things, yet I can still have faith and I can still trust God for my eventual healing. I can still understand that there is a purpose to pain, and be content with not knowing that purpose yet. I can feel that I am a more loving person because I have felt this pain, and have expressed a deeper compassion for others through it. Though I love deeper, I have also been hurt on deeper levels as well, and even that has been something to stop and ponder. Pain is real and so is my faith. It is not an "either or" situation, and some people place that label on God if their pain isn't resolved from constant prayer. In due time, God will heal me. I just don't know how or when. 

When I have shared a compassionate love that even surprised myself, I now know that it is the love that was born from carrying this lonely pain, and if it wasn't accepted, then that person has not quite met themselves just yet. It has nothing to do with me. I believe this pain has helped me to get to know deeper parts of myself, and perhaps that is just part of the purpose God has chosen for me. And with that, I can greet this pain with grace. 

With pain, Jesus endured the cross for me. What cross am I to carry with this pain? Old me would have never asked these questions. 

Be blessed.