I Met God in the Elevator

 I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-8 

I remember fondly my mom's friend, Judy. I'm sure I've mentioned her here before, as she was a great influence on me  from my late teens into my 20's. She was a very wise and classy lady in her 80's, intelligent, well-spoken, bold, but diplomatic with her words. As a somewhat carefree girl in my 20's, Judy would often gently answer my provocative statements with, "Is that so?", leading me to ask myself, "Is that really true what I just said?...hmm...maybe I should think about it some more." She was a client at the office I worked at, and would sometimes leave articles on my desk about tanning beds, or other activities she felt I was involving myself in without careful thought. Because I respected Judy and knew her to be a woman I aspired to be like, I took her words in good faith and was not intimidated or angered by her correction or enlightenment. She also cared about me, and saw something in me that I didn't see. On my high school graduation, she gave me a key chain that was inscribed, "Destined for Greatness". I still have it. I wish I would have appreciated her insight more back then, but like many young people, I didn't know the gem she really was or what I had to learn.  I think I look back at my pre 20-something self, and I think how amazing it was that I was at least receptive and open to the kinds of things she was offering. At that age, I was still pretty insecure and sometimes hid it well with self-righteousness! But something in me was always wanting better, and always seeking to know more.

It was in my late teen years that my insecurities would lead me to meet the Lord. I'll get to that in a minute. I think sometimes people criticize others for "not knowing Christ," at least I was in high school by a friend who liked to thump the bible at me but would never invite me to her fun youth group! We want to point out flaws of those who aren't doing things "right" by our own standards, but never really try to understand what could possibly be causing them to do what they do. We are so quick to point fingers, but not quick enough to give compassion or understanding. Hey, wait a minute...maybe there's a story here we don't know, and it's not our place to judge. That's a good place to start. The other part is that we all have stories and we are all flawed, and we all have issues, seen and unseen. 

I knew about God, but didn't grow up in the Lord, having been an Easter Sunday Catholic for much of my childhood. I never really understood what Easter meant for a really long time. I remember reading "the weeping and the gnashing of teeth" in the Bible, when I was little and I was terrified! I went to my mom and she said something along the lines of ," Well, that's in hell, and you don't want to end up there", but I don't recall having long drawn-out discussions in our home about God when I was a child. We often had church on the TV on Sunday mornings, and I would go get the Bible I received at the Vacation Bible School I had attended at a local church that past summer (on my bike!). I would follow along and write in the margins (I still have that Bible!). I think it may have been Robert Schuller on the TV, and it was the Bible I got at the local Wesleyan Church. I remember wiping out on my purple banana bike while trying to ride home carrying the Bible with one hand, and wondering if I was going to get in trouble with God for dropping the Bible in the dirt. Oh my goodness! Both of my parents were believers, but having been hurt by his "religion", my dad was reluctant to go back. That is a story in itself, and one I don't feel informed enough to tell. The end of that story, however, is that my dad found "relationship" many years later, and would pass away, having known the Lord in a whole new personal way. (in quotations to express the difference only, not to offend)

All through my life, I had the presence of the Lord. When I pushed my arm through the glass door while running from my sister as a child, and our neighbor had to drive me to emergency, her daughter prayed for me in the back seat. I never forgot that. I also never forgot being envious of her "getting" to go to church camp every summer. I kind of wanted to go too. I loved the sound of church bells, and because the school was right next to a church (the one we attended at Easter), I would close my eyes to hear them better. They are gone now, and the church is closed. My husband recently informed me that his dad was the one who used to tend to those bells. Yes, it was their church too. When the Catechism kids would line up at the school to walk over to the church, I kind of wanted to go with them, although my parents were not pursuing the religion with me like they had my siblings. I had the thirst for the Lord even then. We would go to weddings and each time I would step into a church, I would have the instant feeling that I was going to cry. I would ask people, "what does this mean? I feel like crying every time I step into a church?" No one could answer me until years later when I asked it again, and a pastor's wife said, "It's the Spirit of God, in you." It gave me chills. I would then learn what my baptism actually meant. It was earth-shattering! 

I know this is a rambling post today, but bear with me because the point is simple and it's important. I didn't meet the Lord because someone beat me over the head with a holy bible, corrected my wayward behavior, made me go to church camp, took me to catechism, or went to church every Sunday. Those things can help others get to know the Lord and what He did, but when I said "relationship", I said it because you can't force a relationship with anyone. Not even God! And God won't force Himself on anyone. 

God was pursuing me in ways that He knew would stir my heart, but He never forced me to Him. As a child of God that He created for His purpose, He loved me enough to let me do things MY WAY, but He loved me enough to keep urging me to come to HIM over and over. And if you are a parent, you get that, don't you? Sometimes we have kids who are a little insecure, a little self-righteous, etc...remember that teenager I described in the beginning? Whew, only God could handle her sometimes! 

I endured my first "devastating" breakup as a teenager, and I was ill-equipped to handle the loss. I was insecure, had very little self-esteem, and had no inner strength in which to draw on to help me stand. I took the hit really hard and personally, and it took a really long time to process and recover. I remember one time feeling particularly down and lost, and I was driving home from the town he lived in. I was in tears, and I couldn't see the road, but I didn't care. Suddenly I poured my heart out to God, out loud. Something I had never done before! I told him all the things that hurt and what I wanted Him to do. (I didn't know the procedure just yet) All I wanted was "to be loved and not hurt anymore". And that was fair, wasn't it? Isn't that what we all still want as adults? It's what God wants for us our whole lives, even when bad things are going on. Spoiler alert: He answered that prayer that I didn't know I prayed.  

My life didn't immediately get "better" at that point, but His presence was even more palpable and I began seeing more evidence that He was with me all along. I started to form my own relationship with God that felt "different" from the ones I was hearing about. No, I don't have a "spiritual birthday" or a special story about when I was saved. I don't have any of that. God took me on a journey with slow steps, teaching me to trust Him along the way, and by doing that, He showed me that a relationship with Him is solid, secure, safe, and real. He knew that this was going to be the way I needed to meet Him. This is why we don't "knock" someone for "not knowing the Lord" or whatever. Someone else's journey in not only not our business, it can be very different than ours because we are all very different people needing very different things. And no one knows you better than God, so consider that to be the most tailor-made relationship you will ever have. 

I am not ashamed that my family didn't attend church and do all the "things" that church people were doing, even though I envied them, because at different times in their lives, my family has come to know the Lord in their own ways. I got to watch my husband meet the Lord, then my parents, and then my sister, remembering that these are people who knew religion, but not relationship, and they are two very different things. Once you understand that you can have a personal relationship with God and invite Him into every area of your life, that's when your life will change, and I have been able to experience and witness it all. I feel like I kind of met God in the elevator and we've continued to meet in stairwells. Never knock the way you start a journey with God! 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me. 

Unspoken Burdens

 I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalms 34:4-5

Over the past several weeks, I have been engaged in my physical therapy treatment with my new therapist, Bonnie, and she is helping to turn things around for me. I don't use the word "outstanding" to describe very many people, but she has earned it, let me tell you. I am a whole bag of fun when it comes to treatments, as my body won't tolerate certain things, such as anything with electrical stimulation due to my epilepsy, certain medications due to allergy, and on and on. It's kind of annoying, as I am one of those people who would just like to not have any medications, no restrictive conditions, and just be healthy, and run off into the sunset. Wouldn't we all? Some days, I just want to be my carefree self and forget it all. Being chronically ill is hard, and healing is hard. It all takes effort. Being healthy and "normal" is taken for granted. I can see that now. 

When Bonnie and I get into our fun conversations about music or dancing in our kitchens, our kids, books, or whatever topic we may fall into, I do tend to forget why I'm even there! I feel like a "healthy" person for just a little while, having a talk with a friend, and I realize just how much I miss that feeling. Laughter, having things in common, and seeing another person's eyes light up when you talk about something interesting. (Masks are required, and we haven't actually seen the bottom part of each other's faces!) I used to joke about "all my friend's names end in -ist, as in "-ologist" or "apist", because I spent more time there than anywhere else, and we always get to know each other very well! It serves as a reminder that my social life due to chronic illness has suffered for a very long time. And then Covid sure hasn't  helped, but that's not today's focus. 

The positive news is that I have experienced more pain-free days! In fact, I had a very "normal" day on Sunday. What is normal? Well, I was able to go visit my sister 30 minutes away, stand in the cold for several minutes, get back in the car, drive around, sit in a park and enjoy lunch with a drink, drive around some more, and then go home. A total of around 2-1/2 hours without pain or having to use a bathroom! For me, that is a miracle. For most others, that's a normal day!

I have attributed the improvement to some supplements (D-Mannose for bladder, for one)Bonnie recommended, the new exercises I have started, and of course, I never discount the prayers that are being lifted up for me daily. But there is a part of me that is frustrated with this healing as well. A couple of parts, actually. One of them is the reason I had to seek emergency physical therapy in the first place. 

Just as I am starting to experience a sort of remission, I am restricted even more, as I was diagnosed with another condition called pelvic organ prolapse. This is the mystery condition I have been referring to, and have been reluctant to name, as I am a fairly private person, and it is a hard thing for me to share with people I know, let alone strangers. And even as I share, I find myself still putting up boundaries, because some things we go through in life are personal and not to be shared with everyone. Some people don't honor the struggles we face, some may mock them, some could make them worse. It's a risk to share our hearts, our lives, and our struggles, because we open ourselves up to people who might not care enough to understand. But in the end, it's not about them understanding anyway. And it's really not about us.

When I discovered this problem, I was home alone in the evening, and it terrified me. Where did I turn? The good ole internet! And I found blog after blog of everyday women willing to share their experiences and treatments without shame or embarrassment. I have gone through a lot of things in my life in fear, wondering if anyone else has ever felt this or gone through that, looking around at the people in my life, and they were silent. I was grateful for the strangers who shared their struggles, even if some of them scared the bejeebers out of me! So why shouldn't I do the same?

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

People we know talk about head colds and hair cuts, but not about the things that keep us up at night. Somehow, we go through the toughest things alone, wondering if anyone else has ever experienced it. These are the "unspoken" prayer requests. The ones that are too personal, too private, and too "something" for anyone else to share. And that's why we sometimes don't get the support and the help we need when we need it. There is nothing shameful about what has happened to me, and yet I was afraid to share it here. Like I said, I am a fairly private person. I don't like telling anyone anything unless I know and trust them. But this is different. 

God is helping me to be courageous. He is helping me to be brave. He is lending me His peace and His strength.  He has asked me to walk in the rough part of the trail so I can get strong. All of these things help me to become who He made me to be to serve Him, not just to serve myself. If I don't share my struggles, it becomes harder for me to share what God is doing or has done in my life. He has allowed me to be a fairly private, quiet, reserved person, but when I need to, I can open up and share.  Only God can help a person do that. And God created the other side of me too. The one you see when you've gotten to know the real me. 

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (my life verse!)

It was hard for me to talk about this condition with the people closest to me, because it is quite personal, and so is the treatment and the hopeful healing. But I need the support of the people who invest in me, just like the person who may come across this post, looking for hope. God helps us by providing us with the right people to help us along in our struggles, but we have to be willing to share the trouble and let them help. 

I got frustrated because just as I was about to feel better, I am now restricted to not being able to walk for very long distances, not lifting, and experiencing new pain and discomfort, and having to wonder if I will have to undergo surgery in the near future if this therapy is unsuccessful. I don't know how long I will be going to therapy, but it is a long road so far. I am annoyed that I couldn't just enjoy feeling well and able for even just a little while! Why? I don't know, but it's going to lead to something better. It has to. Many of the things we go through in life have unanswered questions. This is no different, but having a health issue adds a whole different complication to things when it doesn't just affect you. I'm frustrated for the people in my life who have been waiting a really long time to get my whole self back too. 

For now I am just doing what I need to do to get healthy and strong, staying focused, and continuing to look for God's hand in all of this. I am thankful that he brought me a Christian physical therapist who vacillates from goofy to deep like me, and I know I am blessed to be where I am, because it could all be so much worse. That is never far from my mind. I do get it! No one needs to remind me! I am beyond blessed that the rest of my body is a force to be reckoned with! Well, most of it, don't challenge me to a thumb war just yet. 

Yes, I can get frustrated, but I am also way more grateful because I know it's going to lead somewhere for my benefit and I am going to give God all the credit along the way. It's going to be good, but it's going to take time. In due time, I will be lifted up! (1 Peter 5:6) I will be dancing without a care in the sunbeams in my kitchen before I know it. 

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Malachi 4:2 

From Chaos to Peace

 Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32 

Though tumultuous and challenging, I don't think 2020 to the present time have been the most polarizing times, despite the headlines. I think we just have the endless availability of  information more than ever before, making it seem like people are even more polarized.  It wasn't until my first experience on social media years ago that I realized just how many opinions there are out there, and also how many of them I don't really need to know! It's overwhelming! Like it's been pointed out to me many times, it's not the majority making all the comments out there, it's usually a set group (who don't have to use real names), and they don't speak for all of us. Word to the wise, don't go reading comments. It's a twilight zone out there. 

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9 

I came across an old book on my shelf by John Ortberg, "Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them", and it's kind of a metaphor title for the world right now. Some things seem "normal" until you really get into the nitty gritty of them. It's kind of like putting my "readers" on and reading my messages rather than trying to decipher what they say without them. Oh, so you're not saying "You mustard head". You said, "you must have". Yeah, it helps to see up close sometimes, and then again, sometimes not. 

Perhaps we were able to function well in large groups of mixed company prior to 2020 because we were living in what John Ortberg refers to as "Pseudocommunity". Basically, it's just another way of saying how we sometimes function around each other in order to avoid conflict. We speak in generalities, we try not to hurt anyone's feelings, we might even avoid topics so no one gets offended, we hide our own irritations and hurts so we don't affect anyone else with them, we just want to be agreeable and polite, gentle, stagnant, and as John puts it-ultimately fatal. 

Everyone lies to their neighbor; they flatter with their lips but harbor deception in their hearts. Psalms 12:2 

Said simply, 2020 and it's neighboring pals lifted the "pseudo" off the community and revealed what was really going on inside all along. We just finally got really uncomfortable and could no longer stay "gentle" or "polite". Some of us used flattery in favor of conflict and look where it got some of us. 

"What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" Mark 8:36

When we are living in a constant fake state of relationship, hiding our own authenticity for fear of the ramifications of speaking up or being honest, we die a little inside, and the relationships die a little too. In order to get beyond this "pseudocommunity", John further explains that we have to be willing to enter into chaos. I think chaos described what a lot of people went through in 2020 as it occurred to them that some of their friends and family and work associates were all on different levels of conflict.

Sometimes chaos ensues when someone speaks the unpopular thought or how they may be feeling about something controversial. I hesitate to use the word "truth", as truth is subjective in many cases, and we could argue about whose "truth" is right all day long. In any case, chaos doesn't feel good. It is sure to cause negative emotions on both sides, and there is no guarantee that someone is going to agree with you, back you up, think of you the same way, or even like you again. It's such an unpopular thing to do anyway, "tell the truth", "share your true feelings", because it takes a lot of courage to do that, and the one thing a lot of people fear is being rejected for doing just that. We hear all these cute sayings about how if you really love someone, you'll be honest with them, but have you witnessed what happens when you really do that?? It can be ugly. A downright relationship wrecker!  If you love someone...seems safe enough, right? 

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Proverbs 27:5

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.  Proverbs 27:6

But we have to risk it even if the end result isn't what we expected.  I have never enjoyed the sheer heart-slamming panic  I felt while speaking my honest thoughts or feelings, but when weighed against  scraping along the bottom of the shallow depth, it was worth the damage, and sometimes the pain of loss. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 

Chaos is revealing and it revealed parts of me and parts of others too. Both the pseudo and the real. I want to point out that we are not to walk around pointing fingers, correcting people as if we have all the answers. I laugh just thinking about that, because I don't know it all, not even close! But there are times we are to hold people we love accountable because we care about them or we want to protect them, and no, they won't always want to hear it, but do we? How we respond is a reflection of how we really feel about the relationship, and that is a risk in itself. I got that lesson years ago when I thought I was closer friends with someone than we were. 

What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. Proverbs 19:22

It's a strange dichotomy that we all seem to value the virtue of honesty, but we don't really  want to hear the truth, especially if we don't like it! Stop meddling, we may say or hear.  Mind your own business. Take the log out of your own eye, and on and on those sayings go.  We seem to like to be alone in our own shady behavior because know-it-alls honest people make us aware that we have changes to make. They reflect the part of us that we try to avoid as much as possible. Yes, even people who love us and tell us the truth can be super annoying, but at the end of the day, it is better to have someone who is honest with us than to have a bunch of superficial, temporary people smoothing our feathers for us.  What a person desires is unfailing love. Not temporary, inconsistent relationships. 

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25

 The fact that some of us can't even allow others to have a different opinion without it causing complete relationship destruction is another sign that we aren't always so willing to share ourselves or invest all that deeply in others either. Have we become so protective of our opinions that we can't even imagine entertaining an opposing thought? It's no wonder relationships have been damaged beyond repair in some situations.  It's like we are saying, "I would rather keep my death grip on this opinion or this position for the rest of my life than hold on to you and I don't care how ridiculous that is." And what kind of backyard barn relationships have we been in that one heated discussion can end it forever?  My goodness. 

There is a space where we can have our own opinions AND relate with those who don't share them, but we have to be willing to open up with them in better ways than just proclamations and platforms. And I'm not referring to anything in particular here, but 2020 is one of those rich examples we are all using right now. There are plenty of situations where this applies outside of that example! 

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18 

I got really hurt over a situation because I gave a gentle and opposite opinion about a sensitive topic. I've had a lot of time to analyze it since that person is no longer in my life. I've decided that I was expecting love and respect and friendship where it obviously didn't truly exist anymore.  I was asking for depth and integrity and it was no longer there. Anger had clouded this person's whole demeanor and allowed it to lash out at me in a way that had never been done before. It took me awhile to realize that none of it had anything to do with me, but it has taken my heart a lot longer to catch up. It hurts to realize that you don't have the freedom you thought you had to speak honestly, and that when you do, the relationship is broken indefinitely. You become a sacrifice to someone else's pain, and in true anger form,  the person is most likely still in pain. 

 An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. 

Proverbs 29:22 

To allow a person to be who they are is an act of love, but it is also a gift to be loved in the same way.  It is truly rare to have a friend who stays with you through all the stages of your life or make a friend who is willing to move and bend and roll with you as you change and grow. Likewise, it may be a challenge sometimes to stick with someone who is going off road a little bit. But when you feel welcomed to speak truth out of love, even if it's a hard correction, so many cool things can happen in a relationship. A building of trust, respect, and a closer bond, to name a few. 

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. 

Proverbs 17:9 

 A mutually giving relationship that honors honesty is probably more rare than people think it is, which is why sometimes people don't realize that you don't need a lot of friends, just a couple of really good ones. I don't overlook my family as a source of the people who allow me to be my honest self and call me out as needed. In our home, I have always allowed it to be a safe space for my family to be able to speak freely and be their authentic selves, and that includes friends!  It is easier said than done at times, but the offer stands. We call it our sanctuary, and everyone who comes here should feel as peaceful as we do. 

 We may not always agree with everything we hear, but love listens and allows conversations to happen without the fear of judgment.  Misunderstandings with people can happen when a person thinks a disagreement is judgment, and that's not true, at least not with me. Or when sharing your faith or beliefs means you are "forcing your beliefs on someone". No, that's not my style either. But sometimes it won't matter what you say or how you say it if it's not the right time for someone to hear it or if it's not what they want to hear. 

Sometimes chaos changes the way a person sees the world, and that includes certain people in it. Sometimes we just have to take the loss, forgive and carry on. Telling the truth to others will sometimes hurt them, but if they love you, they will care enough to listen. God knows our hearts and our intentions and we can always ask Him for guidance in these situations.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

 My current mentor knows he is welcome to speak truth and wisdom into my life and I will gladly receive it as it leads to my growth and hopeful improvement as a person. I would be a fool to not listen, even if I don't take all the advice given, because when you trust someone who invests in you, you value what they tell you. I trust what he has to say, I appreciate his time, and I respect and love him as a friend and angel in my life. God sent me someone who tells me the truth, and I see that as a gift. Norm wants me learning how to be a servant for the Lord, not out here being a pain in the barnyard!

If we truly want people to join us to fight for the things we care about, it's not about convincing someone that we're right so that everyone will agree with us. We don't need to be fighting against each other to try to "win".  It's about leading with love, patience, compassion, humility, and peace.  Our actions speak louder than our words. 

God help us be who You created us to be.  Help us all find our way back to peace and each other.