The Light In Me

 I realized I haven't given a health update in awhile, but it's not really my favorite thing to focus on. Physical therapy has been going well, though I'm on a long break at the moment due to some scheduling jams. Because pelvic floor therapy is a specialized type of physical therapy, only a few therapists are qualified to treat those of us with those issues. There are a limited number of these types of therapists and a lot of patients needing this type of treatment. This isn't the type of problem people talk about over the water cooler, and it's not something even a regular therapist understands, so to have someone who has "heard and seen it all" listen and be able to calm my fears has been a major benefit to the mental part of this condition. I truly appreciate my therapist, Bonnie, who has really opened some new doors for me as far as natural pain management and handling my mind approach as well. She's very patient, very kind, and works very hard! She is a blessing. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I've been having some unrelated issues, which led me to check in with my medical doctor, who I haven't seen since well before Covid. I am so used to seeing specialists that I don't usually need a primary care doc. I guess that's kind of good? I'm healthy in that weird sort of way! Well, I've had a couple of near-fainting spells after doing a lot of walking in stores on two separate occasions, and I've been so tired that I've had to take naps during the day. I walk around so fatigued that I really don't want to do anything at all, or go anywhere. I've gained weight and I can't seem to lose it even though I am on a low-carb diet and have been for quite some time. It's like my body is just sludge. When I do have a little energy, I go like the Energizer Bunny and then I collapse! It's not cute or pink like the bunny, believe me. 

So I had some blood work done, and so far it's just showing low Vitamin D, which is pretty much everybody in this snow-ridden state these days. But it could be the reason I'm having more migraines and I'm tired all the time. The weight gain? Well, I'm heading into that time of life where I'm really mad at Adam and Eve for that whole fruit debacle.  I don't know why women's bodies have to go through such rotten things, and even more annoying after you turn 50. Steve loses weight and I'm finding it, and we basically eat the same healthy things. Ugh. I've been doing strength training, as I am unable to do much cardio due to my prolapse, but exercise just wipes me right out. I'm hoping the addition of Vitamin D kicks me into gear soon. And Spring, if you could make an appearance with your bright yellow ball, yeah, that would be so helpful to us all! 

On March 22, I go and get a heart holter monitor to wear for 48 hours to see why my heart is doing fun blippity boops again, but I'm guessing it won't catch it just like it didn't the last time. I have a couple of minor heart "things" that don't require medication or monitoring, but just need to be considered if other things start happening. Having a lot of heart-related conditions in my family, I tend to just make sure I'm doing what I can to stay on top of things to stay healthy. I like to think that it skippity skips around because I'm excited to be alive, but that's my positive spin, or skip, I guess. 

Healthy. Boy, I have not felt proper healthy (why did I just hear that in a British accent?) for a really long time, and it only really gets exposed when I get out in the world a bit and see what everyone else is doing. Did you know that some people are able to run because they want to, they can, and they aren't being chased by a bear? That amazes me every single time I see it. 

When you live life with your blinders on, it's "easier" to handle what you're going through. I've always kind of "hidden" behind my uncomfortable times, not sharing them, and hoping they would just go away. I mean, people ask "How are you?" What do you say? "I'm okay. How are you?" It's not like we tell people how we really are, right? If we do, they start avoiding us in grocery stores, and who wants that? Talk about your "social distancing!" But yeah, avoiding my own pain is probably why I'm where I am, and my body has had to bear the brunt of unexpressed emotion and a failure to communicate in general. Welcome to my expressed emotion and communication blog. See, telling you here is not the same as telling you in person, so it's okay. You have a choice to read or not. All 11 of you. 

So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 

When I see others doing the things that I haven't been able to do, I find myself feeling so much joy mixed with frustration, but with hope blended in at the end. I truly love to see other people having fun, but I want to join in too! For example, I have been admittedly obsessed with a YouTuber here in Michigan, Girl in the Woods. Every night I watch one of her videos in which she is camping in the wild in a cabin she built herself or doing something so utterly strong and free.  She's strong, independent, fearless, inspiring, joy-filled, loves the Lord and nature, and I look at her like that's who I could be if I was able-bodied and healthy. I consider myself to be mentally capable and eager, and willing to learn and grow. I don't want to fear snakes, spiders, and mice or being in the spooky dark woods at night anymore! I want to be able to build my own cabin, haul my own wood, install my own stove, use a chainsaw. The biggest thing we have in common is an absolute love for God, nature, and the true joy that comes with a love of simple things. That's really where I connected with her. She's truly free, and I have not felt free. That's a problem. Can I really feel free when I feel so trapped in a body that won't cooperate with my mind or my spirit? God tells me not to fear, not to be dismayed. He will make me strong. He will help me, and hold me up with his right hand. His best hand. Come on, mind. Let's get it, spirit. Catch up, all of me. 

Fear is a big part of illness. Fear drives it, feeds it, and waits for it around every corner. Fear is the reason I started to back away from doing things, going places, wanting to be involved in anything, really. Because when illness causes you to have to back out of an obligation or fail on a responsibility, it reflects on who you are as a person. I saw it happen each time I had to turn down volunteer opportunities at my kids' school. People started to treat me differently, and of course I didn't explain that I was having 4 migraines a week. They just assumed I was a lazy homemaker who didn't want to help with the school carnival. It was frustrating, because I always tried to help in the ways that I could control, like baking or donating things. I just couldn't promise to show up on time anymore. I was sick for so many of my kids field trips as it was. No one ever knew. I sat on a bus with one of the worst migraines I had ever had, and made conversation with another mom for 25 minutes because I didn't want to be rude. That conversation was a struggle!  Illness has a way of making you feel inferior to everyone else, on top of everything else. 

 Fear- It's a big manipulator with illness in so many ways. It makes you do things out of character when you're always trying to "make up" for things you couldn't do. Couldn't be. Guilt. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Comparison. It's all there. And on top of it all, we have to torture ourselves with the same judgments that others sling at us- is this an excuse-are they really sick-is it really that bad, is this self-pity- other people have it worse-and on and on we question, because there is not much love and acceptance when you're constantly letting people down. We project it on ourselves. We end up hurting ourselves more than anyone else even tries. We lose any personality we had, trying to hide who we don't want to be, how we really feel inside. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

And believe me, when illness takes this big of a seat in your life, it can become like an idol. Likewise, obsessing over good health can also become an idol! Key word being obsessed. Not that it is worshiped, but that it is given so much focus and so much attention, that it gets bigger than God, and takes us further from Him instead of closer. When fear in anything overcomes faith in God, that is a problem. When we worry more about how we appear to others and how we are going to manage the illness FOR or around others, we forget to include God in the equation. Illness becomes bigger than God. And nothing is bigger than God. 

Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?....37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I wanted to bring this very honest thought here only to show you that it can be very easy to give up not only our lives to things like illness, but our spiritual lives and our souls as well. The body screams for attention. It is very hard to ignore the bright silver flashes and scrolling, swirling lines of an aura attack before a seizure. It is hard to deny the flippity floop of my heart these days, and the feeling of an organ prolapse and the nerve pain involved. Anxiety beckons when these things happen because I don't have any control when these things happen.  It is a fact that chronic illness exists and that there is pain and inconvenience involved. That there are things I can accomplish, and things that may take more time and things I may need assistance with to accomplish. Those are the facts. 

But the truth is (and thank you Norm Sawyer, for this distinction between FACTS and TRUTH) that God says what my "end all, be all" is going to be. God is the Truth, no matter what the facts of my illnesses may be. If God wants me lifting boxes out of my basement for donation and building cabins and using chain saws, then He will strengthen me for that. EVEN THOUGH the evidence in my past and in my present suggests otherwise. I know this because His plan is for me to have a hope and a future, and it's to heal my body in the way that is best for the purpose that He has set in motion for me. If you're not familiar with Joni Eareckson Tada's story, she is definitely someone who inspires me when I complain about my body not doing what I want it to do, or thinking my purpose on this earth is over. 

Maybe the truth is that I have let my fear and my own limitations stand in the way of my own purpose. Maybe I need to do things afraid and uncertain. Maybe I need to express and communicate when I am most afraid to do it, and let the consequences be what they may, instead of carrying tension and fear in my body. Maybe I will keep asking God to carry this pain and ask Him to help me unload it all on Him and show me HOW to walk in it.  Maybe I will walk confidently into the woods and leave it all behind, and emerge fearless, joyful, and free. Free, no matter what kind of body I have or what it can or cannot do. 

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path Psalms 119:105 

"Girl in the Woods" was also featured on the reality TV show, Alone, which my family loves to watch together. Somehow it escaped me that she was on this show for two seasons! Our family has always had a dream of building a cabin on our property because of this show. We always talked about who would last the longest, who would "tap out" first, and of course, who would be the most afraid. That would be me, I think. But now I'm realizing that the things that make a scary noise in the night are the same things that make interesting and beautiful sounds in the daytime. It's all in the shedding of light. I'm realizing that the light can be in me. I can have the freedom and the joy to live the life I want in the condition I am in by shining my light where I want to see more. I've missed so many things, and I just want to enjoy what I can and not stress about the things that aren't meant for me right now. Lord help me see it all from your point of view and in your time, and keep me from getting lost in my pain and fear. 

Some sites for you to explore if you wish to learn more about the inspiring people mentioned in my post today: 

Norm Sawyer- sirnorm.com,  Sir Norm on YouTube 

Brooke Whipple (Girl in the Woods)- brookewhipple.com  Girl in the Woods YouTube

Joni Eareckson Tada- joniandfriends.org

I Met God in the Elevator

 I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-8 

I remember fondly my mom's friend, Judy. I'm sure I've mentioned her here before, as she was a great influence on me  from my late teens into my 20's. She was a very wise and classy lady in her 80's, intelligent, well-spoken, bold, but diplomatic with her words. As a somewhat carefree girl in my 20's, Judy would often gently answer my provocative statements with, "Is that so?", leading me to ask myself, "Is that really true what I just said?...hmm...maybe I should think about it some more." She was a client at the office I worked at, and would sometimes leave articles on my desk about tanning beds, or other activities she felt I was involving myself in without careful thought. Because I respected Judy and knew her to be a woman I aspired to be like, I took her words in good faith and was not intimidated or angered by her correction or enlightenment. She also cared about me, and saw something in me that I didn't see. On my high school graduation, she gave me a key chain that was inscribed, "Destined for Greatness". I still have it. I wish I would have appreciated her insight more back then, but like many young people, I didn't know the gem she really was or what I had to learn.  I think I look back at my pre 20-something self, and I think how amazing it was that I was at least receptive and open to the kinds of things she was offering. At that age, I was still pretty insecure and sometimes hid it well with self-righteousness! But something in me was always wanting better, and always seeking to know more.

It was in my late teen years that my insecurities would lead me to meet the Lord. I'll get to that in a minute. I think sometimes people criticize others for "not knowing Christ," at least I was in high school by a friend who liked to thump the bible at me but would never invite me to her fun youth group! We want to point out flaws of those who aren't doing things "right" by our own standards, but never really try to understand what could possibly be causing them to do what they do. We are so quick to point fingers, but not quick enough to give compassion or understanding. Hey, wait a minute...maybe there's a story here we don't know, and it's not our place to judge. That's a good place to start. The other part is that we all have stories and we are all flawed, and we all have issues, seen and unseen. 

I knew about God, but didn't grow up in the Lord, having been an Easter Sunday Catholic for much of my childhood. I never really understood what Easter meant for a really long time. I remember reading "the weeping and the gnashing of teeth" in the Bible, when I was little and I was terrified! I went to my mom and she said something along the lines of ," Well, that's in hell, and you don't want to end up there", but I don't recall having long drawn-out discussions in our home about God when I was a child. We often had church on the TV on Sunday mornings, and I would go get the Bible I received at the Vacation Bible School I had attended at a local church that past summer (on my bike!). I would follow along and write in the margins (I still have that Bible!). I think it may have been Robert Schuller on the TV, and it was the Bible I got at the local Wesleyan Church. I remember wiping out on my purple banana bike while trying to ride home carrying the Bible with one hand, and wondering if I was going to get in trouble with God for dropping the Bible in the dirt. Oh my goodness! Both of my parents were believers, but having been hurt by his "religion", my dad was reluctant to go back. That is a story in itself, and one I don't feel informed enough to tell. The end of that story, however, is that my dad found "relationship" many years later, and would pass away, having known the Lord in a whole new personal way. (in quotations to express the difference only, not to offend)

All through my life, I had the presence of the Lord. When I pushed my arm through the glass door while running from my sister as a child, and our neighbor had to drive me to emergency, her daughter prayed for me in the back seat. I never forgot that. I also never forgot being envious of her "getting" to go to church camp every summer. I kind of wanted to go too. I loved the sound of church bells, and because the school was right next to a church (the one we attended at Easter), I would close my eyes to hear them better. They are gone now, and the church is closed. My husband recently informed me that his dad was the one who used to tend to those bells. Yes, it was their church too. When the Catechism kids would line up at the school to walk over to the church, I kind of wanted to go with them, although my parents were not pursuing the religion with me like they had my siblings. I had the thirst for the Lord even then. We would go to weddings and each time I would step into a church, I would have the instant feeling that I was going to cry. I would ask people, "what does this mean? I feel like crying every time I step into a church?" No one could answer me until years later when I asked it again, and a pastor's wife said, "It's the Spirit of God, in you." It gave me chills. I would then learn what my baptism actually meant. It was earth-shattering! 

I know this is a rambling post today, but bear with me because the point is simple and it's important. I didn't meet the Lord because someone beat me over the head with a holy bible, corrected my wayward behavior, made me go to church camp, took me to catechism, or went to church every Sunday. Those things can help others get to know the Lord and what He did, but when I said "relationship", I said it because you can't force a relationship with anyone. Not even God! And God won't force Himself on anyone. 

God was pursuing me in ways that He knew would stir my heart, but He never forced me to Him. As a child of God that He created for His purpose, He loved me enough to let me do things MY WAY, but He loved me enough to keep urging me to come to HIM over and over. And if you are a parent, you get that, don't you? Sometimes we have kids who are a little insecure, a little self-righteous, etc...remember that teenager I described in the beginning? Whew, only God could handle her sometimes! 

I endured my first "devastating" breakup as a teenager, and I was ill-equipped to handle the loss. I was insecure, had very little self-esteem, and had no inner strength in which to draw on to help me stand. I took the hit really hard and personally, and it took a really long time to process and recover. I remember one time feeling particularly down and lost, and I was driving home from the town he lived in. I was in tears, and I couldn't see the road, but I didn't care. Suddenly I poured my heart out to God, out loud. Something I had never done before! I told him all the things that hurt and what I wanted Him to do. (I didn't know the procedure just yet) All I wanted was "to be loved and not hurt anymore". And that was fair, wasn't it? Isn't that what we all still want as adults? It's what God wants for us our whole lives, even when bad things are going on. Spoiler alert: He answered that prayer that I didn't know I prayed.  

My life didn't immediately get "better" at that point, but His presence was even more palpable and I began seeing more evidence that He was with me all along. I started to form my own relationship with God that felt "different" from the ones I was hearing about. No, I don't have a "spiritual birthday" or a special story about when I was saved. I don't have any of that. God took me on a journey with slow steps, teaching me to trust Him along the way, and by doing that, He showed me that a relationship with Him is solid, secure, safe, and real. He knew that this was going to be the way I needed to meet Him. This is why we don't "knock" someone for "not knowing the Lord" or whatever. Someone else's journey in not only not our business, it can be very different than ours because we are all very different people needing very different things. And no one knows you better than God, so consider that to be the most tailor-made relationship you will ever have. 

I am not ashamed that my family didn't attend church and do all the "things" that church people were doing, even though I envied them, because at different times in their lives, my family has come to know the Lord in their own ways. I got to watch my husband meet the Lord, then my parents, and then my sister, remembering that these are people who knew religion, but not relationship, and they are two very different things. Once you understand that you can have a personal relationship with God and invite Him into every area of your life, that's when your life will change, and I have been able to experience and witness it all. I feel like I kind of met God in the elevator and we've continued to meet in stairwells. Never knock the way you start a journey with God! 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me. 

Unspoken Burdens

 I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalms 34:4-5

Over the past several weeks, I have been engaged in my physical therapy treatment with my new therapist, Bonnie, and she is helping to turn things around for me. I don't use the word "outstanding" to describe very many people, but she has earned it, let me tell you. I am a whole bag of fun when it comes to treatments, as my body won't tolerate certain things, such as anything with electrical stimulation due to my epilepsy, certain medications due to allergy, and on and on. It's kind of annoying, as I am one of those people who would just like to not have any medications, no restrictive conditions, and just be healthy, and run off into the sunset. Wouldn't we all? Some days, I just want to be my carefree self and forget it all. Being chronically ill is hard, and healing is hard. It all takes effort. Being healthy and "normal" is taken for granted. I can see that now. 

When Bonnie and I get into our fun conversations about music or dancing in our kitchens, our kids, books, or whatever topic we may fall into, I do tend to forget why I'm even there! I feel like a "healthy" person for just a little while, having a talk with a friend, and I realize just how much I miss that feeling. Laughter, having things in common, and seeing another person's eyes light up when you talk about something interesting. (Masks are required, and we haven't actually seen the bottom part of each other's faces!) I used to joke about "all my friend's names end in -ist, as in "-ologist" or "apist", because I spent more time there than anywhere else, and we always get to know each other very well! It serves as a reminder that my social life due to chronic illness has suffered for a very long time. And then Covid sure hasn't  helped, but that's not today's focus. 

The positive news is that I have experienced more pain-free days! In fact, I had a very "normal" day on Sunday. What is normal? Well, I was able to go visit my sister 30 minutes away, stand in the cold for several minutes, get back in the car, drive around, sit in a park and enjoy lunch with a drink, drive around some more, and then go home. A total of around 2-1/2 hours without pain or having to use a bathroom! For me, that is a miracle. For most others, that's a normal day!

I have attributed the improvement to some supplements (D-Mannose for bladder, for one)Bonnie recommended, the new exercises I have started, and of course, I never discount the prayers that are being lifted up for me daily. But there is a part of me that is frustrated with this healing as well. A couple of parts, actually. One of them is the reason I had to seek emergency physical therapy in the first place. 

Just as I am starting to experience a sort of remission, I am restricted even more, as I was diagnosed with another condition called pelvic organ prolapse. This is the mystery condition I have been referring to, and have been reluctant to name, as I am a fairly private person, and it is a hard thing for me to share with people I know, let alone strangers. And even as I share, I find myself still putting up boundaries, because some things we go through in life are personal and not to be shared with everyone. Some people don't honor the struggles we face, some may mock them, some could make them worse. It's a risk to share our hearts, our lives, and our struggles, because we open ourselves up to people who might not care enough to understand. But in the end, it's not about them understanding anyway. And it's really not about us.

When I discovered this problem, I was home alone in the evening, and it terrified me. Where did I turn? The good ole internet! And I found blog after blog of everyday women willing to share their experiences and treatments without shame or embarrassment. I have gone through a lot of things in my life in fear, wondering if anyone else has ever felt this or gone through that, looking around at the people in my life, and they were silent. I was grateful for the strangers who shared their struggles, even if some of them scared the bejeebers out of me! So why shouldn't I do the same?

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 

People we know talk about head colds and hair cuts, but not about the things that keep us up at night. Somehow, we go through the toughest things alone, wondering if anyone else has ever experienced it. These are the "unspoken" prayer requests. The ones that are too personal, too private, and too "something" for anyone else to share. And that's why we sometimes don't get the support and the help we need when we need it. There is nothing shameful about what has happened to me, and yet I was afraid to share it here. Like I said, I am a fairly private person. I don't like telling anyone anything unless I know and trust them. But this is different. 

God is helping me to be courageous. He is helping me to be brave. He is lending me His peace and His strength.  He has asked me to walk in the rough part of the trail so I can get strong. All of these things help me to become who He made me to be to serve Him, not just to serve myself. If I don't share my struggles, it becomes harder for me to share what God is doing or has done in my life. He has allowed me to be a fairly private, quiet, reserved person, but when I need to, I can open up and share.  Only God can help a person do that. And God created the other side of me too. The one you see when you've gotten to know the real me. 

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (my life verse!)

It was hard for me to talk about this condition with the people closest to me, because it is quite personal, and so is the treatment and the hopeful healing. But I need the support of the people who invest in me, just like the person who may come across this post, looking for hope. God helps us by providing us with the right people to help us along in our struggles, but we have to be willing to share the trouble and let them help. 

I got frustrated because just as I was about to feel better, I am now restricted to not being able to walk for very long distances, not lifting, and experiencing new pain and discomfort, and having to wonder if I will have to undergo surgery in the near future if this therapy is unsuccessful. I don't know how long I will be going to therapy, but it is a long road so far. I am annoyed that I couldn't just enjoy feeling well and able for even just a little while! Why? I don't know, but it's going to lead to something better. It has to. Many of the things we go through in life have unanswered questions. This is no different, but having a health issue adds a whole different complication to things when it doesn't just affect you. I'm frustrated for the people in my life who have been waiting a really long time to get my whole self back too. 

For now I am just doing what I need to do to get healthy and strong, staying focused, and continuing to look for God's hand in all of this. I am thankful that he brought me a Christian physical therapist who vacillates from goofy to deep like me, and I know I am blessed to be where I am, because it could all be so much worse. That is never far from my mind. I do get it! No one needs to remind me! I am beyond blessed that the rest of my body is a force to be reckoned with! Well, most of it, don't challenge me to a thumb war just yet. 

Yes, I can get frustrated, but I am also way more grateful because I know it's going to lead somewhere for my benefit and I am going to give God all the credit along the way. It's going to be good, but it's going to take time. In due time, I will be lifted up! (1 Peter 5:6) I will be dancing without a care in the sunbeams in my kitchen before I know it. 

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic like well-fed calves. Malachi 4:2