Guarding Hearts

 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

Proverbs 4:23 

I should have applied that verse before saying that thing, doing that thing, or whatever it was that ended up the big mess that it became. The truth is, some of the time, I allowed people access to me and my heart who had no business being there, and that's why I blurred (threw out) my boundaries, made the mistakes, and suffered the consequences. 

It doesn't mean those people aren't accountable for their mistakes and the trouble they may have caused me. But I also had a responsibility to limit their access to me. I didn't guard my heart, and in doing so, I not only caused damage to myself, but I also caused harm to them.  Romans 14:13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. 

When we don't set healthy boundaries with others, we run the risk of giving people too much entry into places in our lives that we should be protecting. When we notice that someone else has shaky boundaries, our response should be to take heed and create our own, not step over the line and start messing up their lives too. But why don't we do that?

At first it feels good to get close to people and let down walls. It feels like what people should be doing. Love one another, right? Isn't that what I'm always saying? John 15:17 This is my command: Love each other. After all, getting closer to people is how we get to know them, show godly love, and sometimes how we share our testimony. Sometimes it's how we make our dearest friends. All of that is fine and good, but it hasn't always worked out that way for me, and because of the number of books on this topic, I know I'm not a special case. Many of us suffer from a need for love and a lack of boundaries. They go hand in hand, kind of like fire and gasoline. 

 Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive... I have been charmed so many times, especially in my younger days, of dropping my boundaries, because I simply believed (or wanted to believe)what I was hearing. I would take information I knew about the person from the past and apply it to the current season. Big mistake. People are capable of earning trust, of course, but they are also capable of letting us down or taking advantage of our kindness. When we are not guarding our most precious commodity–our heart–we are in a vulnerable condition. In other words, I saw what I wanted to see, thought what I wanted to think, and heard what I wanted to hear. I had the outcome all planned without checking the forecast! Whether or not the person was well-meaning, deceptive or manipulative matters not at that point. 

 It's really easy to come up with a list of how the other person has done us wrong. After all, I kind of made it easy for them. I opened the door and said, "Welcome to my heart and all the access to my feelings. Feel free to go willy-nilly. I will ignore any red flags because of a, b, and c. " I could go on and on, and I have done that about what the other people did wrong. It was a no-brainer! But eventually God showed me that I also had a choice in the matter and there are so many times I had the choice to put up a boundary for my own protection. And theirs. 

The problem was that I was searching in people for what I really needed (and already had) from God–love, security, validation, companionship, friendship. What I ended up with was the opposite in some cases. I came to people on empty instead of with the fullness of Christ, ready to truly love and give of my heart. This is where I fell short every time. I walked away hurt and dejected because I looked for something in people that they could not possibly give me. I was a bottomless pit, most likely! I often gave without limits, and not always because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but because I desperately wanted their love. When they couldn't return it or gave me the weird look, I would just crumble. In my mind, these relationships were so much more than they were, but on the outside, they were superficial because the love I was actually giving was timid, fearful, and distant. Always waiting for rejection, which surely came, because I created it with my own behavior. 

That is how it went for a very long time. I was very ashamed of this, until a friend of mine brought up that so many people were dealing with shame these days. I thought, "Oh, not me. I'm not." And then God began to bring things to light in me that I've been hauling around, and I've realized that I've been ashamed of things that God does not want me to carry anymore. I pray that you too will surrender those things in you that have made you feel less than, exposed, or distrustful. God can walk us through anything and we can come out the other side victorious. I never thought I would admit some of the things I've believed about myself. I never realized it was shame I was feeling. We are not to be ashamed! Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Everlasting joy will be ours! Amen. 

When loving from a Christian standpoint, we are able to love because we are full of His love FIRST. 1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us. And that's where I had it all wrong. I didn't see the connection with my relationship with God–allowing Him in, getting to know Him, and surrendering all of that control and rejection and my human limitations. It was only when I started to understand how much I was already loved and accepted by my Creator that I could see where I had missed the whole concept of God's perfect love. We often put our human limits on God's love too. God only loves us when we're doing good things, saying the right things, not making mistakes. WRONG. God loves us ALL the time. When we immerse ourselves in that pure and perfect love, our happiness won't depend on the love and acceptance of everyone around us. When we stop feeling ashamed and rejected and start knowing we are loved, this is living in the grace of God. John 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 

A relationship with boundaries contains both freedom and limits. Freedom for others to move and be who they are, and to give what they can give–expectation free. There's also freedom for me to be who I am, and no worries on whether I'm accepted or not. There's no reason to ever have to get to a point of having to wonder or argue about where each person stands in the relationship. It's only when boundaries are broken beyond repair that the ugly consequences lay bleeding with little hope. When relationships get to this point, it's sad, because while I believe forgiveness can be had, reconciliation can be difficult if not impossible. By this time, people don't even want to have a conversation, and sometimes that's what is needed in order to apologize, forgive, and move on. Instead, a fence is placed and the bridge is burned. When relationships are built on sand and not on a true foundation of love, they will fail. Boundaries are placed because we respect and care about our relationships and want them to last! Boundaries are so much better than fences and bridges. I can't even begin to imagine my (improved) self in those same old relationships now. Those people wouldn't recognize this new God-filled person, and that's a good thing! 

And we, who with the unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18 

I wanted to reflect on specific examples of my past mistakes, but in remembering them, I realized it is still so painful to remember how insecure and rejection-filled I once was, and how it drove people away. The ones who stuck around seemed to be able to recognize my true heart beneath it all and understand that though I was acting out of hurt, I was struggling to get to a better place. Kind, loving people come in all shapes, sizes, and brands of hurt. I think I recognize and can have more grace toward a person who is operating from hurt because I have been there. (I didn't say it was easy) I thank God for the grace He gives me every day. When I ask Him to show me where I need to heal and grow, I wince at it, immerse myself in my studies, and keep going.

 I have had to learn how to have my needs filled by going to God and not having unrealistic expectations of people. I have had to learn that even when you need people in your life, they won't always need you back, and it's okay. That's when we need to reach out to God and ask Him to help us dig deeper. What is it that I need to do FOR someone else with a pure heart and no expectation, and what else do I need to learn here? The goal is always to get more of God and less of me. With that, we can better love and serve others. With God first, we are full already and no one has a job to do when they see us coming. John 3:30 He must become greater; I must become less. 

Keeping boundaries around us is healthy, and it doesn't mean we are keeping people out. It's more of a way to protect who we are becoming. They help keep us within the limits of who God is shaping us into, and help us to understand that we also need to stay out of God's way where it concerns others and their own necessary boundaries. Even Jesus had boundaries! He withdrew from crowds in order to pray and recharge. He walked away from unsafe people. He didn't fulfill everyone's requests, choosing to focus instead on His mission at hand. He was fully God and fully human and still took the time to care for his own well-being so he could better serve others! May God fill your heart completely and allow you to grow into who He is planning for you to become. Blessings. 

Aging and Changing

 Call me the minority, call me "weird", call me whatever comes to mind, but I'm just not into social media. Even when I spent a short period of time exploring it years ago, I never really saw its benefits. That's just me. I do enjoy a few channels on YouTube, I listen to a few podcasts, but I just don't get into the others. I tried to maintain an Instagram when our book came out, but I have since been locked out of it somehow, and it's been quite the runaround trying to log back in just to delete it. I deactivated my other social media site and keep it that way only so I can use the messaging services for the less than 3 people who contact me on it regularly. Yeah, I don't have a problem with spending too much time on social media. In fact, I see it as a hindrance, and I'm kind of glad that I do. 

However, it hasn't excluded me from seeing what a mess it can be. Even while scrolling YouTube in search of new things to watch, I see things like "What women in their 50's should NEVER do with their hair/wardrobe/makeup, etc..." "These three behaviors mean you have (this condition, that condition, etc...)" Oh, not only do I do all of those wrong things, but I probably do have all of those conditions! According to these videos, I have ADD, ADHD, ABC, PBS, and I'm so very stubborn for not cutting my long hair because it has somehow been declared law that "all old ladies should have short hair." Well, not this lady. This face cannot carry short hair. And last time I check it was nunya. As in nunya business.

Are these really the things people are worried about these days? What shoes I'm still wearing from 4 years ago? How I wear my hair and if it's making me look older? Why do they care if I don't care? The last time I checked, you had to be diagnosed with conditions by licensed medical professionals, not by 9 minute videos. It's been an interesting waste of my time, since I know none of this really matters, but in a way, it shows me where we're still stuck in society. 

 It's not that there is anything wrong with having a preference for looking a certain way. What bugs me is that people are taking the time to make these videos telling people that there is something wrong with them because they don't fit a certain mold that is being created for them by someone we don't even know. If you don't watch them, it doesn't affect you, but the problem is, these videos are very popular. People seem to love to be told how to dress, how to look, what to buy, what to change, and most of all, they love to share their opinions on how others look! This last video was about how to cut your hair so your jowls and your aging neck aren't showing. Well, maybe I'll just grow a beard and cover that horrific area so no one has to be traumatized by my NATURAL aging process. Sue me. 

This brings me to other things we may want to actually change about ourselves. In my Bible study notebook, I have several pages of notes I take as I read. Many of them are highlighted, because they are things I want to remember and put into practice. These are things I may just be seeing for the first time and want to put into practical application. These are not easy changes to make. It's not a quick order for a pair of trendy shoes or a visit to the hairstylist for a shorter "do." These are amendments to my thinking, my behavior, and even my past actions that will improve the outlook of my life and will help me to grow into the person God is shaping me into. I don't always want to do what my notes tell me. It sounds a lot easier to follow the do's and don'ts for makeup tips over 50, believe me. But I know that what I truly need to make me beautiful are inside changes. 

These are what I want to get hung up on. If I'm going to lament about the aging process at all, it's going to be about remaining stuck in the things I'm still struggling with–control, unforgiveness, rejection, bitterness–you know, stuff that when left untreated can really affect your heart. And the things that hurt our hearts are the things that will eventually make us ugly on the outside. They truly do, because we can't keep them hidden for long. They come out of our mouths, our actions, and they affect all the people in our lives. Even strangers on the internet. A great haircut and a snazzy outfit can only hide so much. I don't want to still be going through these things as an 80 year old, if I'm still around. I want God to keep refining my character and throwing out the bad stuff that makes me stumble. 

My desire is to have the fullness of Christ driving that authenticity in me. I want my faith to be what makes me shine on the outside, and have that be what people see. I'm tired of blowing it with my emotions and the things I've messed up in my own plans. When I am full of God, it is a lot easier for me to just be me, and let others be others. Peace. 

When we know the things we stumble over, then we can make the changes necessary to overcome them with God's help. If I know I struggle with comparison or rejection, then I know to be immersed in my studies and not scrolling online just comparing myself to everyone I see. If we struggle with overeating, we don't go to an all you can eat buffet. We can learn how to prepare our INSIDES in advance so that we present ourselves outwardly in the most truthful and Christlike way–full of grace, full of kindness, and ready to share the best of who we are. 

That might not get the most likes, shares, or sponsors, but in real life, it will please God, and that's why we will have the strength to do it. His strength will prevail through all the ages of our lives. 

Under the Influence

 

Charles Stanley said, "If we are to have a godly influence, we must be committed to our convictions." The question we must ask ourselves is, what are those convictions? 

 I recently read an article about whether or not certain things were okay or not for Christians to do. The answers were unwavering, in that all of them referred to first being committed to faith, prayer, and obedience as it relates to our personal relationship with God. James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. What we decide to do has little or nothing to do with whether or not it's okay for our neighbor. We should only be concerned about whether or not it lines up with our desire to follow and please God. And if it doesn't, then we need to avoid it. No one needs to understand it or accept it except for you and God. When we apply our faith to our decisions instead of societal pressures or any other element, it actually clears the muddy water significantly if not completely. Joshua 24:15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

If our desire is to be a godly influence with our words, thoughts, deeds, and actions, we must be committed to seeking His guidance, His wisdom, and His direction. Just as a good influence will affect everyone around us, a bad influence or sin we commit can affect more people than just ourselves. Let me just say that I didn't always know I was to seek Godly wisdom before making certain decisions, and I thought I had to figure everything out myself. I wasn't close to God, nor did I understand His very real connection in my life. When I began to see and cooperate with how He is transforming me with the Holy Spirit, things began to make a lot more sense. Ephesians 5:1-2 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

There are situations now that I can face with peace that would once have sent me into a spiral, only because I can see them spiritually instead of from a self-propelled world view. With God, my perspective has shifted into His perspective, and what He may be planning to do, and not "oh no! what am I going to do??" Am I always aligned and fully trusting in the Lord? Not always, but as I grow in my faith, I can feel when I need to get deeper into the Word of God so more healing and trusting can take over. And that is key. To be in the Word is to learn the attributes and the character of God. To see and know the words of Jesus is to better understand who God is. The more I learn, the more I want to learn, and this is how we become closer to our Father. This is what helps us remain committed to our convictions. It's also how we find peace and understanding. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. 

I could write a whole book on all the things I did (and still do) wrong, especially after I often regret not knowing then what I know now. But I'm thankful that instead I asked God for forgiveness and He is showing me how to do things His way instead of mine. Praise God for the grace that is new each day. I'm thankful that God doesn't give up on us, hears our cries, and is so patient with us as we grow into His likeness. I could also write a whole giant book on the ways God has changed me, blessed me, forgiven me, and shown me His love, and that's the book we can all write if we are in Him. 

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not–to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God–that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:27-31