Guarding Hearts

 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

Proverbs 4:23 

I should have applied that verse before saying that thing, doing that thing, or whatever it was that ended up the big mess that it became. The truth is, some of the time, I allowed people access to me and my heart who had no business being there, and that's why I blurred (threw out) my boundaries, made the mistakes, and suffered the consequences. 

It doesn't mean those people aren't accountable for their mistakes and the trouble they may have caused me. But I also had a responsibility to limit their access to me. I didn't guard my heart, and in doing so, I not only caused damage to myself, but I also caused harm to them.  Romans 14:13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. 

When we don't set healthy boundaries with others, we run the risk of giving people too much entry into places in our lives that we should be protecting. When we notice that someone else has shaky boundaries, our response should be to take heed and create our own, not step over the line and start messing up their lives too. But why don't we do that?

At first it feels good to get close to people and let down walls. It feels like what people should be doing. Love one another, right? Isn't that what I'm always saying? John 15:17 This is my command: Love each other. After all, getting closer to people is how we get to know them, show godly love, and sometimes how we share our testimony. Sometimes it's how we make our dearest friends. All of that is fine and good, but it hasn't always worked out that way for me, and because of the number of books on this topic, I know I'm not a special case. Many of us suffer from a need for love and a lack of boundaries. They go hand in hand, kind of like fire and gasoline. 

 Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive... I have been charmed so many times, especially in my younger days, of dropping my boundaries, because I simply believed (or wanted to believe)what I was hearing. I would take information I knew about the person from the past and apply it to the current season. Big mistake. People are capable of earning trust, of course, but they are also capable of letting us down or taking advantage of our kindness. When we are not guarding our most precious commodity–our heart–we are in a vulnerable condition. In other words, I saw what I wanted to see, thought what I wanted to think, and heard what I wanted to hear. I had the outcome all planned without checking the forecast! Whether or not the person was well-meaning, deceptive or manipulative matters not at that point. 

 It's really easy to come up with a list of how the other person has done us wrong. After all, I kind of made it easy for them. I opened the door and said, "Welcome to my heart and all the access to my feelings. Feel free to go willy-nilly. I will ignore any red flags because of a, b, and c. " I could go on and on, and I have done that about what the other people did wrong. It was a no-brainer! But eventually God showed me that I also had a choice in the matter and there are so many times I had the choice to put up a boundary for my own protection. And theirs. 

The problem was that I was searching in people for what I really needed (and already had) from God–love, security, validation, companionship, friendship. What I ended up with was the opposite in some cases. I came to people on empty instead of with the fullness of Christ, ready to truly love and give of my heart. This is where I fell short every time. I walked away hurt and dejected because I looked for something in people that they could not possibly give me. I was a bottomless pit, most likely! I often gave without limits, and not always because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but because I desperately wanted their love. When they couldn't return it or gave me the weird look, I would just crumble. In my mind, these relationships were so much more than they were, but on the outside, they were superficial because the love I was actually giving was timid, fearful, and distant. Always waiting for rejection, which surely came, because I created it with my own behavior. 

That is how it went for a very long time. I was very ashamed of this, until a friend of mine brought up that so many people were dealing with shame these days. I thought, "Oh, not me. I'm not." And then God began to bring things to light in me that I've been hauling around, and I've realized that I've been ashamed of things that God does not want me to carry anymore. I pray that you too will surrender those things in you that have made you feel less than, exposed, or distrustful. God can walk us through anything and we can come out the other side victorious. I never thought I would admit some of the things I've believed about myself. I never realized it was shame I was feeling. We are not to be ashamed! Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Everlasting joy will be ours! Amen. 

When loving from a Christian standpoint, we are able to love because we are full of His love FIRST. 1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us. And that's where I had it all wrong. I didn't see the connection with my relationship with God–allowing Him in, getting to know Him, and surrendering all of that control and rejection and my human limitations. It was only when I started to understand how much I was already loved and accepted by my Creator that I could see where I had missed the whole concept of God's perfect love. We often put our human limits on God's love too. God only loves us when we're doing good things, saying the right things, not making mistakes. WRONG. God loves us ALL the time. When we immerse ourselves in that pure and perfect love, our happiness won't depend on the love and acceptance of everyone around us. When we stop feeling ashamed and rejected and start knowing we are loved, this is living in the grace of God. John 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 

A relationship with boundaries contains both freedom and limits. Freedom for others to move and be who they are, and to give what they can give–expectation free. There's also freedom for me to be who I am, and no worries on whether I'm accepted or not. There's no reason to ever have to get to a point of having to wonder or argue about where each person stands in the relationship. It's only when boundaries are broken beyond repair that the ugly consequences lay bleeding with little hope. When relationships get to this point, it's sad, because while I believe forgiveness can be had, reconciliation can be difficult if not impossible. By this time, people don't even want to have a conversation, and sometimes that's what is needed in order to apologize, forgive, and move on. Instead, a fence is placed and the bridge is burned. When relationships are built on sand and not on a true foundation of love, they will fail. Boundaries are placed because we respect and care about our relationships and want them to last! Boundaries are so much better than fences and bridges. I can't even begin to imagine my (improved) self in those same old relationships now. Those people wouldn't recognize this new God-filled person, and that's a good thing! 

And we, who with the unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18 

I wanted to reflect on specific examples of my past mistakes, but in remembering them, I realized it is still so painful to remember how insecure and rejection-filled I once was, and how it drove people away. The ones who stuck around seemed to be able to recognize my true heart beneath it all and understand that though I was acting out of hurt, I was struggling to get to a better place. Kind, loving people come in all shapes, sizes, and brands of hurt. I think I recognize and can have more grace toward a person who is operating from hurt because I have been there. (I didn't say it was easy) I thank God for the grace He gives me every day. When I ask Him to show me where I need to heal and grow, I wince at it, immerse myself in my studies, and keep going.

 I have had to learn how to have my needs filled by going to God and not having unrealistic expectations of people. I have had to learn that even when you need people in your life, they won't always need you back, and it's okay. That's when we need to reach out to God and ask Him to help us dig deeper. What is it that I need to do FOR someone else with a pure heart and no expectation, and what else do I need to learn here? The goal is always to get more of God and less of me. With that, we can better love and serve others. With God first, we are full already and no one has a job to do when they see us coming. John 3:30 He must become greater; I must become less. 

Keeping boundaries around us is healthy, and it doesn't mean we are keeping people out. It's more of a way to protect who we are becoming. They help keep us within the limits of who God is shaping us into, and help us to understand that we also need to stay out of God's way where it concerns others and their own necessary boundaries. Even Jesus had boundaries! He withdrew from crowds in order to pray and recharge. He walked away from unsafe people. He didn't fulfill everyone's requests, choosing to focus instead on His mission at hand. He was fully God and fully human and still took the time to care for his own well-being so he could better serve others! May God fill your heart completely and allow you to grow into who He is planning for you to become. Blessings.