Well, today didn't go as planned. As much as I expected a "down" day after a bad migraine, I didn't expect the surprise of my old foe, anxiety. Sure, I was a little frustrated over the dog barking incessantly, and the phone ringing when I was trying to rest. I was annoyed that I was still feeling sick after being sick since before Labor Day, and enough is enough, but I haven't felt "this" in a long time, and quite honestly, nothing scares me worse than the thought or the creeping feeling of a panic attack. Nothing. Especially when I'm home alone, with no one to convince me that I'm not dying of a heart attack, because that's what it feels like.
This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.
Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own? Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.
Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.
I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.
I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Migraine? No Problem...
"Focus on your blessings and not your problems."
I see this quote a lot, and have no choice but to focus on my blessings. My life has been a series of things not turning out the way I planned, and since there isn't a whole lot I can do about that, I look at the good things.
I also look at the bad things, not so much as "problems", but as "the way it is until it gets better", and maybe that's healthier than calling it a "problem"?
Like this past week. I haven't been feeling very well, but not too many people will know about it. In fact, just my mom, husband, and Serena knew. I had a slight "bug" while Natalie was home, and for the past few days, I've had a migraine that wouldn't go away, even with medication. I took a second dose of a medication that usually works with just one, and I was awake most of the night with pain and breathing problems.
This isn't my "problem", nor is it my "blessing". This is the way my life is and has been for many years. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't ask for pity, I don't look for attention from everyone, and I don't make excuses. But this is something that has not been completely resolved with time or medication thus far, and I've had to adjust my life around it. Everybody has "something". This is my something.
As my husband reluctantly took me to town to print a picture I needed for my brother-in-law's benefit, I said to him, "I can do small things like this, but I know I would never make it through a school day or a work day anymore." To hear myself say that out loud is just a realization that although I am somewhat better than I used to be, I am not completely healed, and my life is still not "normal" like I want it to be. I still want to be fully functional. When I described my latest 8 day "low grade" migraine to my neurologist, he didn't seem shocked, and because I'm not trying to work, he doesn't want to mess with my medication at all. I don't do well on medication shifts...
So, for now, it is what it is, and I accept it as positively as I can, because the alternative is to be whatever that is. I don't know because I won't go there. Maybe I sound resolved or accepting of this as my life, but understand that I've been everywhere with this, and peace seems to be where I need to land. I do see the blessings, as the man I married is who God chose for me. He knew who I would need to care for me, and who I would be able to care for. Steve has said many times that he wants me home and not out working, because he wants me healthy, and he works hard so I am able to be here. Our kids have had the benefit of having me at home. So, while I haven't been the healthy woman I want to be, I see where God has provided and Steve feels I have been the one God sent for him too. So, even as ill as I've been, God has used me to care for someone else. This is my ultimate blessing, to have cared for my family. I always joke that maybe this illness was used to keep me tame, since I had a tendency to be a bit spirited when I was feeling well!
So another quote may fit here better, "It is what it is, but it will become what YOU make it", and I try to make the best of it. I am usually able to rest up after a long migraine, and for the most part, I don't have too many obligations anymore. I tend to stay away from those, because I can't stand letting people down. But I did get my photo done for the benefit, and I am excited to see who bids on it on Saturday. I feel good that I can at least do small things well. And a lot of small things can add up to a big success, at least for me.
I see this quote a lot, and have no choice but to focus on my blessings. My life has been a series of things not turning out the way I planned, and since there isn't a whole lot I can do about that, I look at the good things.
I also look at the bad things, not so much as "problems", but as "the way it is until it gets better", and maybe that's healthier than calling it a "problem"?
Like this past week. I haven't been feeling very well, but not too many people will know about it. In fact, just my mom, husband, and Serena knew. I had a slight "bug" while Natalie was home, and for the past few days, I've had a migraine that wouldn't go away, even with medication. I took a second dose of a medication that usually works with just one, and I was awake most of the night with pain and breathing problems.
This isn't my "problem", nor is it my "blessing". This is the way my life is and has been for many years. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't ask for pity, I don't look for attention from everyone, and I don't make excuses. But this is something that has not been completely resolved with time or medication thus far, and I've had to adjust my life around it. Everybody has "something". This is my something.
As my husband reluctantly took me to town to print a picture I needed for my brother-in-law's benefit, I said to him, "I can do small things like this, but I know I would never make it through a school day or a work day anymore." To hear myself say that out loud is just a realization that although I am somewhat better than I used to be, I am not completely healed, and my life is still not "normal" like I want it to be. I still want to be fully functional. When I described my latest 8 day "low grade" migraine to my neurologist, he didn't seem shocked, and because I'm not trying to work, he doesn't want to mess with my medication at all. I don't do well on medication shifts...
So, for now, it is what it is, and I accept it as positively as I can, because the alternative is to be whatever that is. I don't know because I won't go there. Maybe I sound resolved or accepting of this as my life, but understand that I've been everywhere with this, and peace seems to be where I need to land. I do see the blessings, as the man I married is who God chose for me. He knew who I would need to care for me, and who I would be able to care for. Steve has said many times that he wants me home and not out working, because he wants me healthy, and he works hard so I am able to be here. Our kids have had the benefit of having me at home. So, while I haven't been the healthy woman I want to be, I see where God has provided and Steve feels I have been the one God sent for him too. So, even as ill as I've been, God has used me to care for someone else. This is my ultimate blessing, to have cared for my family. I always joke that maybe this illness was used to keep me tame, since I had a tendency to be a bit spirited when I was feeling well!
So another quote may fit here better, "It is what it is, but it will become what YOU make it", and I try to make the best of it. I am usually able to rest up after a long migraine, and for the most part, I don't have too many obligations anymore. I tend to stay away from those, because I can't stand letting people down. But I did get my photo done for the benefit, and I am excited to see who bids on it on Saturday. I feel good that I can at least do small things well. And a lot of small things can add up to a big success, at least for me.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
A Dinner of Hearts
I had a migraine all day yesterday, and it was kind of a rough day. I didn't get anything on my list accomplished, and I really didn't feel like making dinner. 
Steve had a rough day at work too. His first week of the month days are always financial weeks, and they are pretty stressful, so I really felt guilty about not making dinner and taking care of my family like I usually do.
He started making something pretty easy when he got home, and then went in to change clothes.
Serena then stepped in to finish dinner, something she is more than capable of, and enjoys doing, but she had her college course homework to do also.
Seeing dinner was being handled, Steve came in the living room to sit with me and see how I was doing.
Minutes later, Serena walked in with a dish of food for me. I looked inside...
She had shaped my dinner into a heart. Then she said, "mom...if you post that on Facebook..." I told her first how sweet and thoughtful she was to do such a nice thing for me, and then said I wouldn't put it on FB. But I didn't say I wouldn't post it to my blog. :)
She brought dinner to her dad too, and we all ate together in the living room. So much for a day being ruined by a migraine. I just keep getting blessed in spite of them.