Open Your Mind, Insert Compassion

How people choose to hear you or the way they see you has little to do with you. They can only see you from their own level of perception, which is colored by their own experiences, where they are in their lives, or choices they are making now or have made in the past. They can also be colored by so many other facets, such as political standing, religion or lack thereof, family status, upbringing, age, etc...

Sometimes we take the opinions of others too seriously, especially if we are discussing something important to us, and someone takes it out of context, or downplays a feeling we express. Sometimes it is really hard to remember that people don't always understand your point of view because maybe they haven't been in your situation before, and so their opinion may not really be appropriate to share. For example, maybe if you've never had estranged family members, alcoholic family members,  messily divorced family members, or other very difficult and confusing family situations, perhaps you shouldn't judge those harshly who have had all of those situations.  In this case, being a supportive listener with compassion is always the right answer. That's my opinion, based on someone who has experienced those situations from childhood on.

But to the one it hurts, we have to remember that opinions are often thrown out there for a couple of reasons. We either want to be heard, or we want to be right. Maybe we even want to stick up for ourselves. It depends on the situation. I've engaged in some pretty heavy, controversial discussions that actually went nowhere because it became a battle of closed ears and loud opinions. No one wanted to hear reason. They just wanted to be heard and to be right. It became useless, feelings were hurt, and the timing could not have been worse. And at the bottom of it all, what I could hear was the backstory talking. There were reasons why the minds were closed, and so it became time to stop talking and just listen.

Closed minds are rooted in fear. They are often defense mechanisms to protect someone or
something, or to hold on to old thoughts, whether they belong to you or to someone else. Sometimes I am shocked that whole families believe a certain way about a certain thing, because in my family, our minds are all over the place. We all think so differently, but yet we allow each other our differences of opinion. It's very freeing to have your own opinions and not be cemented by someone else's belief patterns. My dad and I had a discussion about politics last November, and while I know where he stood politically, I enjoyed our discussions because he was intelligent and willing to listen to my "purple" point of view. As an Independent, I brought new things to his table. He didn't argue for the right to be right. While I joke about those who thought he was a know it all, I am proud of how smart he was, and I think if someone called me a know it all, I would be okay with that. Besides, it's just an opinion, colored by perception. I certainly don't know it all, but I am a "seeker of knowledge", and I like to trade knowledge with other "seekers". Call me a nerd. I don't care. I love to learn. I get that from my dad.

Closed minds have lots of opinions, and few facts. They make lots of bold statements, but don't back them up! They don't like to listen to other points of view and they don't care how many times you try to explain something, they will never change their minds! This is frustrating. I think this is the most fearful bunch of people I know. An open-minded person may not always agree with you, but will at least listen to you and give you the consideration of meeting your mind in the middle. I think to keep your mind open is to be ready to accept knowledge of a situation or person you may not agree with, but are willing to learn more about and try to gain understanding. And of course it's okay to have your core beliefs that you don't budge on! But don't stand with your arms crossed and be unwilling to talk. Who knows...maybe you can get more flies with honey?? I have my core beliefs too. There are things I may never change my mind on, but I will always be willing to listen to you, because I can learn from you and your story.

While I make it a point not to discuss politics, and I don't consider myself a politically-minded person, I have to say this was the most annoying political season ever. The arguing between friends and families around me was borderline bullying. It wasn't a display of conversation, but a battle of wills and an insult to one another's intelligence. It was all rooted in fear. I observed it on a personal level, watched it on a media-controlled level, and just imagined the level of fear that was going on everywhere else. Is this how we were going to get things solved from now on? There were a lot of opinions, a lot of mud-slinging, a lot of disrespect, so much rudeness, so much fear-mongering. Hey wait, this sounds like a really nasty divorce, and we're the kids in the crossfire. This chaos was just a bunch of hot air and no progress, and while everyone likes to point fingers and place blame, I see blame in everyone who participated in all that chaos. Everyone. That's my opinion, colored by my perception of politics. Feel free to correct me. I'm open. (snicker)

I don't know what the answers are on a governmental level. If I did, I would be some kind of miracle worker. But I know on a personal level, what I can do better is be a better listener, not judge when someone is sharing, but put myself in their shoes. Instead of always reaching for my own perception level, reach for theirs.  I think this is the way to a compassionate way of listening and speaking to people, and we could all use a little  more compassion, couldn't we?

My Peace is Not Free

"If you don't have peace, it isn't because someone took it from you; you gave it away."
                                                        John Maxwell.

I saw that quote, and it came at a good time, as it seems my peace is always just out of reach these days. I catch myself thinking, "the day was going well until this or that happened... or great, now so and so is upset and now I'm upset too..." The truth is, I haven't been losing my peace. I've been giving it away, and I didn't even realize it until that quote punched me in the gut. I've needed a few punches in the gut lately, to bring me to life, and to get me turned back around so my thinking becomes more productive and less destructive. Ever feel that way? Even for a day? Sometimes I call it "stinking thinking", but it can snowball into days, months, and even years of destructive thought patterns that will become a habit that becomes really hard to break.

I fight hard to be a positive thinker, but believe me, some days it is a brutal battle. There are many enemies, some obvious, and some invisible. Until you have suffered the loss of close loved ones, such as a brother and a father, you really won't understand the enemy of grief, and how it creeps into your daily life. Some days you feel better than others, but it is always a struggle to find peace in that reality of no longer having the significant people in your life anymore. There is the enemy of unforgiveness, if you are struggling with poor relationships with friends and family around you. That can also rattle your peace. Again, no one is taking your peace. You are giving it away each day you replay the transgressions and refuse to let it go in your own mind. There is an enemy lurking in this world if you are a believer, and he is dark and wants nothing but failure for you. If you succumb to that belief, you will certainly fail. But if you believe in God's will for you, you are limitless. Your peace will be yours again when you decide to take it back.

I have really been doing a lot of stinking thinking, and I know it's because I'm at a really low point, having lost my dad. He was my rock, and life without him is just not the same. When you've had one of the most important people in your life that you've had for 47 years suddenly taken in an instant, it is deafening, to say the least. It leaves an open wound, and that wound becomes a portal for the salt of others, unfortunately. It leaves vulnerablities that weren't there before, or were hidden very well. Loss takes your peace before you even chose to give it away. Loss is a thief.

But now that I can see the importance of peace within the storm, I can also see the importance of peace within myself. I can't afford to give away my power to people who don't deserve to take it. There simply just isn't enough of me right now to give those important things away to those who don't give back. And so that quote resonated to me, and it came from a young pastor who came and visited with my mom and I after we lost dad. He may have been a fruity-pebble loving, sneaker-wearing, cartoon-watching goofball, but what a passionate young man for Christ he was, and he was the first to make me laugh after the worst day of my life.

 I realized recently that I need to keep people close to me who really are invested in my heart, and allow me to invest in them too. Because what I need right now is reciprocal relationships. That is what brings me peace, and takes the brutal out of my battles. Those are what scare the enemy away, and brings me closer to the One who made me. I have given my peace away to people who don't have my best interest at heart and don't truly care what's going on with my life. But that stops today, and it stops with me. My peace is not for sale and it's certainly not free.

I Forgive You. Boom. Done. Right?

While the topic of forgiveness is on my mind, I've been asking myself who I need to forgive, and the list is as eclectic as the playlist on my phone. There are some people I have to continue to interact with, some I never interact with, some I bump into from time to time, and some I may never see. Isn't that interesting, though? It's not just interesting, it's real.

We may be holding on to grievances with people we've never even met. We may be holding on to offenses from  years ago. We may be holding on to anger that doesn't even belong to us, but belongs to a friend or family member who was wronged or harmed. We may not even realize that we are "waiting" for apologies that are never going to happen, and so we are withholding forgiveness from people who "should know better'.  That is the longest wait of all.
Oh, that is the stinkiest of forgiveness. The one that is based on conditions, and we all know it well, because we've all been there. But real forgiveness takes no prisoners. It releases them, and the one it releases first is you and me.

And once you finally release yourself from unforgiveness, and have reached a resolution in yourself and settled the story, does that mean that you can now have a restored relationship with that person or persons? Sometimes yes, depending on the situation, but there are no guarantees, for sure. When you forgive someone who doesn't want anything to do with you, who is no longer alive, who doesn't think they did anything wrong, or is no longer in your life altogether, maybe it's not possible or desired anyway. Forgiveness is an act and a decision based on your well-being, and your desire for peace. It has little and maybe nothing to do with the other person at all. If it did, we'd be swaying like the grass in the breeze with their every move. Forgiveness keeps us in the driver's seat, and in control of our own story.  It says, "You may have started this pain in me, but I'm not going to keep it going. I'm releasing you from your part in this, and I'm moving on without you in it." That doesn't mean what they did was even sort of okay! I doesn't mean you excuse them, or you trust that person again or you ever look at them the same way again. It just means you no longer let them have any control or power over the condition of your heart, your emotions, or your decisions. They become powerless over you completely. Boom. Done, right? It can be done, yes.

I wish it was simple. I wish people never hurt other people, but we do because we're imperfect humans who make mistakes. I've forgiven and had to be forgiven, and I still make mistakes. What I learned is that it's not enough to just apologize when you've hurt someone. It's not enough to just hear, "I'm sorry", sometimes either. Sometimes it's nice to hear, "Please forgive me." or "I forgive you". It's just that one step further that can make the relationship so much stronger.

I have never felt "life is short" as much as I have these past few years. Life is too short to waste being angry at people, holding grudges, and holding on to useless judgments that probably have no truth or basis anymore. But it is worth taking the time to take care of relationships and know that at the end of the day we did what we could to use the time we have to honor the people we've been given and make amends where it is necessary. Am I doing everything right? No. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to do. I'm a work in progress too. I have shortcomings and people issues, and all sorts of stumbling blocks I put in my own way. It's why I write! It helps me to figure out myself and in doing so, I hope to learn from others, (if they ever start commenting again) and learn from myself. We all have much to share on this topic, as complicated as it can be.