An Encouraging Word

There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature. The assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter. 

Rachel Carlson 

It's apparently spring, but looking outside today, one would think it's mid-December. It's hard to feel encouraged about tulips and green grass when it's a winter wonderland scene out every window. Again. But in typical Michigan fashion, you blink, and boots turn to flip flops, sweaters turn to tee shirts, and the temperature soars from 34 to 43. Nope, that wasn't a typo. HaHa, not to worry. We've been through this before, and it always turns to summer eventually! 

We'll get there. The sun just needs a little encouragement. The greeter at the store last week was cheerfully waving at everyone walking out, saying, "Here comes the sun! Have a great day everyone!" I don't know about the rest of the customers, but she made me smile. We all need a little encouragement sometimes. To smile, to shine, and sometimes to just want to get out of bed. I get out of bed for coffee, but sometimes I peek out to see if the sun is shining first! It makes a difference! 

I thought about encouragement a lot this past month. As I sat quietly and a bit distantly with some family at the viewing for my mother-in-law, I looked around at all the different types of encouragement. Some people need to talk, walking around and shaking hands or hugging one another. Some need to sit quietly with their thoughts. Some offer encouragement by walking in the door, offering support quietly, and then walking out again. It comes in all forms, but no one should decide what kind of encouragement or support is "best" or even "right". 

 When we expect people to act a certain way, we're expecting them to "do as we do," and we're not  accepting them as they are, and for who they are. As I got teasingly called out for "hiding in a corner," I thought to myself, honestly, if there was a place to hide, I'd be there. As a person who likes to hide her emotions, a nice dark corner would be lovely.  Is there a rule book for how to act at all these difficult life things?  It's not a social event. It's not a party. It's not a place where we're feeling jovial and outgoing. And to be honest, if you are a jovial and outgoing person, and that's what you bring, then good on you, because that is what can be needed at these times! But for me, after all we had gone through for the two days before, I had made my rounds, and I was just being quiet, approachable and warm, and my presence wasn't about me. Sometimes people are tired, not feeling well, have just had a bad day, or whatever. If we just accept them as they are, it makes it easier for people to just be themselves in whatever condition in which they show up. I guess years of needing this acceptance is why it is easier for me to spot it when it is needed, but I think everyone needs it, whether they show it or not. We need each other, and I believe God designed us this way for a reason. Our expectations, so needlessly placed on others, keeps us from accepting them as they are. It puts a big wall between them and us. 

As I've written here before, everyone handles loss and the impending grief differently. Some people attending these types of things are very uncomfortable around mourning people or around death in general. They may be dealing with their own confusing feelings, and not very adept at responding to the unknown feelings of all of the people around them. It can create anxiety in certain people. I know my good friend, Norm calls me out for this, but it really is about LOVE. I'm sorry, Norm, but if we stay in "love mode," it makes it all the more difficult to be negative and cantankerous. Negative thoughts  won't become words at all, and they won't affect people. If we just put the love on and leave everything else behind, it's all good. Isn't life easier when we just love people and we're not always trying to fit them into our own expectations? It's okay to cry, not cry, laugh, not laugh, sit, not sit, eat, not eat, and it's especially okay and delightful to see precious great-grandchildren giggling and playing. They lifted so many spirits those two days! I'm not offended by the teasing, by the way, but I recognized how it bothered me and brought to mind other instances where I've been called out for being too "me."

The more I think about encouragement, the more it leads me to acceptance, and when someone feels accepted, they just feel loved.  Like, hey, you don't have to be anything different or better, or fix this or that. I just like you the way you are! This is the Fred Rogers way, and why he was so popular on TV! This morning the enemy had a little field day with my mind, and said, "hey, remember all those people who rejected you? I can list their names for you...here we go!" And on and on the old names were flashing in my mind. Yep, I had their acceptance at one point in my life and now I do not. They also had mine, and probably still would.  I never stopped my love, I just noticed when theirs disappeared, and so I moved along. The enemy wanted me to ruminate about it and wonder if it was something I said, something I wrote, something I did or didn't do, blah blah blah, but I finally quieted the lies.

 Love is a revolving door. People come, people go, and the ones who stay are meant to stay, and there is peace in looking forward without malice. I don't slam the door on relationships or people, and I welcome people into my life who want to be here. I'm not perfect, and I am far from being the social butterfly I once was, but I try, despite my shortcomings, to be a friend.  In fact, my dear friend, Patty and I spent over an hour on the phone last week trying to get caught up. I adore friends who don't place constraints and expectations on me to do, to be, to whatever, but who just allow me to be myself, even if that doesn't fit into their idea of "friend." We've managed to be friends for over 45 years now because we've always just loved each other as is through all the mountains, valleys, and changes in life. 

 I remember saying in a low moment to good friend Norm, "I feel alone." He said plainly, "I've been here the whole time." He was right. I was so fixated on all the people who walked away that I didn't see the ones who had been standing there by my side the whole time. Let's not get in the habit of rearview-mirroring our lives. That's one way to miss out on everything good in life. If it's one thing I've managed to take away is that the best way to be satisfied in any relationship is to focus on what you have to give, and not what you're going to get back. Know how to handle the actions that harm you, whether you caused them yourself, or they were brought on by someone else. Know when to apologize, accept an apology, forgive, and know how to respond to a person's pain appropriately. That last one, right? That could be a whole book, and probably is. As much as I encourage you to listen to others, I implore you to also listen to yourself. When I become a little more self-aware about my own shortcomings, then I am more able to make changes. With God's help, we can be directed to the qualities that help us to encourage others, and the traits that He knows are keeping us from a better relationship with others. 

 We can't change people, but we can change ourselves, and if we put as much energy into changing ourselves as we do thinking about what we want other people to change, wow-we would be amazing! We can heal from the things we think have broken us. We don't have to be a "hot mess express" with no redemption! I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 We can feel hurt from the ones who left us, but know that if we have God, we already have a friend who will never leave. When God removes people from our lives that we never imagined losing, we have to take a look from God's point of view. Sometimes the answers will be much clearer there. 

That's all I have for today. It's been a pleasure sharing my snowy spring thoughts with you, friends. Hope you're enjoying warm sunshine and flowers, wherever you are, and may you be encouraged by the love of the Lord, who provides all you need. 

Until We See Her Again

 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 

Psalm 147:3 

These past few days have been a whirlwind, and we are now finally settling in to breathe and absorb another change. Last week we were called and informed that Steve's mom may only have hours left with us, and so we spent Thursday evening with family by her side. It wasn't until we were home on Friday afternoon that the Lord took her home and away from her suffering here on earth. She had spent the last few years struggling with memory and breathing problems. While we are sad and will miss her presence here, we know that in heaven she is restored with Jesus, and that gives us peace. We know as believers, we will see her again, and we will just miss her until then. We have her legacy in each of the special people she has left behind. I had the honor of spending time with most of them over the last few days and sharing many fun memories with them. She and I had gotten closer over the last several years, and I will miss chatting with her about anything and everything. It is a hole that will be deeply felt in the family, as Steve's dad stated so well. 

Our children stayed with us over the weekend and we enjoyed that time together. Let us not forget how much our presence means to others at all times. It was the love that kept us going forward through all of these difficult periods in the last few years. It was the prayers of our friends and family members who understood what we needed and provided that patience, strength and comfort.  Never underestimate what you are able to provide. It may just be a hug, a card, a prayer, or a text, but it will not be forgotten. Just being present is more than enough if it's all you have to give. 

May God bless all of you who consoled us, and may you be consoled by the help and prayers of others who stand for you when you need them. 

"The Lord bless you 

and keep you;

the LORD make his face shine on you 

and be gracious to you;

the LORD turn his face toward you

and give you peace."

Numbers 6:24-26 

Nothing Empty About This Nest

Our children's independence is a reminder of how much we had to give and all that we have accomplished. It is a pleasure to remember that it is not a form of abandonment but an expression of a job well done. 

Madeline Levine 

 Is it just me, or have the last 8 years just flown by incredibly fast? What is happening to my life that it seems like just yesterday that both of my kids were in high school, and I was running around after them 24/7? Time is a wizard with an invisible wand. Sometimes I wish I could stop the clock and take a  look around for awhile before it snaps its wand again. I am now an empty nester with 2 college graduates, and their lives are moving at breakneck speed while mine is just trudging along, though somehow I've gotten older overnight.  Is this what empty nesting means? 

I need to talk to all these seasoned parent birds flying around. All these mama birds pushing those babies out to the edges of those nests with their barely wet wings. Does mama have plans to fly somewhere later that day, or is she just picking up the broken shells and hanging new photos over the old baby bird ones? What does she do when she buys too much seed at Costco anyway? Is she okay with all of this? She has to be, right? Because as everyone says, "life goes on." 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

What a weird feeling it is when life just keeps going on and there is this vacillating feeling of "it feels like only yesterday" to "that was forever ago" when remembering the lives of our children. It's a strange experience to visit the homes of my daughters. It's weird-good, since they are doing so well for themselves, and thriving in good jobs, and actually carrying themselves now. It's bittersweet because as I watch them navigate all the hard things in life, there was once a place in which I inexplicably fit, and now that place is filled by their own growth and independence.  My new role is to support, encourage, and be ready to hold those tired wings when they grow weary of flying in the world. This is what we spent years preparing them for-to soar on their own, and to not depend on us for everything, and yet we stand in this odd gap of 'what exactly is our purpose now'? We stand on the edge of the empty nest, knowing we've served our purpose, we've raised them well, but now searching for a new role as parents, and as two individual people who are still as one. 

But like any change in life, sometimes we need time to stand in it, wear it, accept it, and eventually rejoice in it.  There is a bit of grief between each stage of life, as I think back. From the time they said their first word to the time they took their first steps. Every stage leaves something precious behind, but brings with it something new and exciting. If we stay back too long looking at what we're missing, we may not enjoy the excitement and newness going on right in front of us! 

We know our daughters still need us, just like we needed our parents when we left home, and still do, though for much different reasons. We are learning to walk the fine line of when to step in and offer our help, and when to hold back. Much like when they learned to walk and we let go for the first time so they could take those first steps alone. We are learning where we end and they begin all over again. It's not an easy thing to do, when our whole world of parenting for all those years was centered on guiding and leading them and probably neglecting ourselves a bit. We now have to refocus, because they have a life to live that requires a whole different form of freedom and independence. We have a life to live too, and it starts with remembering how our own life began. We were once two young people, ripe for the world, needing our own independence and identities, and we can't ever forget that as we watch our own adult children grow into who they are apart from us. We would be wise to remember our own identities apart from being their parents as well. 

We began as a Mr. and Mrs. long before we were a "mom" and "dad." And before that, we were people too! We had a life that revolved around being a married couple and individuals. It didn't include children, their schedules,  parental responsibilities and worries. It was our time to learn about each other, have fun, and get into a groove of living the life we were planning. I always say, thank God we married young while we were still too naive to know the difference, or we may have never agreed to this deal! We laugh, because it takes so much compromise to really make a life cohesive and you have to let so much go and not let petty things matter at all. When we were young, we just let it all go, and just focused on the love and having fun, and thank God we had that blissful ignorance!  Kids do leave the nest one day, and you want to make sure you've been building a strong, healthy relationship with your spouse all along. If you focus solely on the kids and don't take care of each other, you may not recognize or even like each other when the kids are gone! I am thankful we spent so much time building a solid friendship within our marriage, because we know each other so well. We were listening to Smokey Robinson and India Arie sing, "You're Just My Life...that's all" the other night. And that says it all. Sometimes it is that simple. https://youtu.be/J0VHzp_afOo

So, as empty nesters, facing each other, and not being bounced about by the busyness of a child-filled life, we have to ask ourselves again, "what is it that we want out of this new life we are planning?" Are we still going to focus on the love and having fun? What new compromises are we willing to make for each of us to be happy individually and together? One thing we've always done is communicate how a change will affect us and what we will do to adjust. This eliminates the shock and surprise that sometimes accompanies a change, because we didn't talk it through beforehand. This mama bird may be a chatty bird, but talking through issues before they happen sometimes keeps the nest peaceful overall. 

When parent birds are left alone in the nest, they have a choice. They can look up into the sky with pride and enjoy their babies soaring high, as they taught them to do, or they can focus on the quiet nest.  One will create a new foundation, and the other may create a sense of loss and emptiness. 

"Fly little bird...your nest will always be here..." 

A new foundation can be a new opportunity to rebuild. I have joked that I may turn the upstairs into a dance/party lounge, but in all seriousness, it's a time to make plans for the future. This marriage started with two and God willing, will end with two. The children were a blessing, and it went by so fast. We enjoyed so many wonderful times with them, and of course, there are always things we wish we could have done, but we know that of all the kids God could have chosen for us, we got the best two daughters He could have ever created just for us. It's no wonder it went so fast, because good times do that sort of thing. We have sweet memories and so many fun stories to share around the table. 

Our grand vision all along was to build a life for them that they would want to share with their own families one day.  To have so much love that they would want to build more family memories with the people who loved them their whole lives. We are hopeful for the growth of our family, the additions our nest may see in the future, and for all the changes in our lives to come. There is nothing empty about a nest that is always full of love, hope, and family waiting for you to come home! 

Give the ones you love 

wings to fly, 

roots to come back, 

and reasons to stay. 

Dalai Lama

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