The Answer

Someone recently asked me if I had planned my wedding since I was a little girl. At the time, I immediately said, "no, not at all". Then I had to give this some thought. I mean, I know I'm not the typical "girls girl", talking nails and tutus, but why didn't I do that like most little girls??

It took me weeks to finally get the answer and it came today in the most unexpected way. Hubby and I were driving to the peach farm again and I brought up some family issues that were bothering me. It bubbled to the surface a little more than I thought it would, and out came the answer.

"I didn't dream of a big wedding when I was a little girl. That perfect wedding with the big dress and the groom. I really didn't. I dreamed of having a big family that loves me. That's all I ever wished for, wanted, and dreamed about. And I didn't get it."

There I had it. One sentence. It's not a big revelation. In other ways, I've been saying this for a long time. I've always wanted a "normal" family. Happy siblings who don't take breaks from the family for years. People who stay married. Aunts and Uncles who stay in the family. Grandparents. Nieces and nephews who aren't broken by divorce and still want me in their lives. Cousins. Lots of them. The chance to marry into a big family who would embrace me, love me, adopt me as their own. Value me. Need me. Did. Not. Happen. And is it because I can't attract that kind of love because I'm already broken? Probably.

So where do I go from here? I have love. I just have always wanted and needed more. Some people have tons of it and don't appreciate it. They annoy me. Some people treat their families poorly and get away with it. Unfair!! Sometimes I feel like the past is my present and my future. I guess that's called "hopeless".  I haven't seen change, so I don't expect it either.

I am blessed by my little family. I know that for sure. They are what I dreamed of when I thought of the word "family". And I guess I have to keep them as my focus and not worry about my losses and what "could have been." It's just not easy....even for an old girl like me.