Consistency Brings Peace

Consistency. It's a word we hear when people are talking about fitness, or weight loss, or child-rearing, spiritual discipline,or any other type of habit we are trying to put in place, stop, improve, or change. When we want to change something, we must be consistent in our efforts. It's also a common word I use when referring to certain food textures, but we don't want to get started on my odd food texture aversions.

I write about relationships a lot, hence the title of my blog, "Mrs. Rogers' Neighborhood". The world is sort of like a big neighborhood of people, all trying in some way to relate to one another. Communities rely on relationships between businesses and people, schools rely on relationships between parents, teachers, staff, and students, and community. Companies are reliant upon their businesses to run smoothly between employers and employees in order for their business to thrive. When everyone is consistent in those efforts, relationships tend to go smoothly. But when one group starts to ride off into the ditch, the other group can tend to slide off with it, even if they are trying hard to stay on the road.  When everyone is working consistently toward the same goal, relationships can work really well, even if the singular components of the relationships don't always agree on the same things.

I heard a quote on TV as I was making dinner, and I stopped to write it down, as it struck a chord with me. "Relationships are mutually defined." Four words, but lots of meaning for me right now as I continue to figure out a current "relationship" that I don't understand. I don't understand it because it's not "mutually defined". Two people, whether they are friends, spouses, siblings, parent and child, or partners, will struggle in a relationship that is not defined mutually. Well, one of them will, at least, until the relationship is either defined or ended. Some relationships around me seem unbalanced, as if one partner is going one way, and the other is going home. They don't seem to be going in the same direction at all. I once even asked this defining question of this "friend", to which I received no answer. No answer is also an answer, I suppose.

I got to thinking then about consistency. For certain relationships, consistency is key. For some, consistency isn't necessary. But how do you define consistency for each relationship? For each person? I thought about that a great deal, actually, and what it means to me to be consistent in marriage is not the same as consistency in friendship. What is consistent in a close friendship is not the same as in a distant friendship. What is consistent in one friendship does not need to exist in another in order to be a friendship. However...it still needs to be consistent! And by that I mean, the way you relate to one another should not change so much that you don't recognize the relationship any longer!  Kind of answering my own question again here, "relationship" requires "relating" to one another. You know....one person talks, the other person talks, then the other person talks again. Seems easy enough!

And that's when I decided that consistency was very important to me. Well, I always knew it was, but I hadn't defined it that way. If you're going to be my friend and ask me how I'm doing and check in with me and care about my life and you're doing it on a very regular basis, and then you suddenly treat me like a stranger, and then you start up again with some very odd behavior in which you seem to recognize me again, but not in the same warm way as before, I may do one of two things: call the psych ward and have you committed, or just be done playing your weird game. Save your odd drama for your mama. Maybe she understands you better.

 In all seriousness though, when you are consistent in someone's life, you are giving them the gift of your time and your attention. What you are saying is, "You are important to me. I care about you and what's going on in your life. I want you in my life because you are special to me." Being inconsistent to someone you say you love is hurtful no matter what age they are, what relationship it is, or how much time has gone by. If you truly care about someone, even your exit from their life should be consistent. An explanation, a conversation in which the other party is allowed to express their feelings, perhaps. An apology, some type of exchange, whether they appreciate your reasoning or not, will go a long way in earning respect and hopefully eliminating that "betrayal" image of you that will otherwise burn in their hearts forever.  Maybe they'll forgive you, but maybe not.  Even a divorce can be "amicable" when issues are discussed between two mature people who can somehow put drama aside in order to move on and do what needs to be done for the betterment of the whole family.

 Consistency isn't always pretty, some think it's unnecessary, but I believe it's the key to healthy relationships of any kind. Do what you say you're going to do. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Keep your promises. Don't make promises you can't keep. Honor your words and your actions. Every time. Consistency is integrity. Especially when it's not easy or convenient. In other words, don't be a neener nanny. Be a man or a woman. If someone asks to talk to you because YOU hurt them, then you do it.

I like consistency. It's security. I like that I can count on my husband's consistency. He's the same person to me every day, and I know what to expect. I like the consistency of my  close friends and my family. My kids can count on my consistency with them as well. I believe kids who are disciplined well are more secure because they have clear and consistent boundaries and know they have your attention. Even my dog appreciates consistency. She appreciates going out at the same times each day and night, and her food and water being there and fresh every day. My family appreciates that I cook dinner for them every night, and they can expect that I am always here for them for whatever they need. Since I was hit with a migraine two days ago, I was forced to change my plans to do many things that day and it also involved not being able to help another person that night. I don't enjoy being inconsistent, but being ill doesn't come with a schedule! 

If I'm being honest, I don't always enjoy having to be consistent either. Sometimes I don't want to do what I said I was going to do! I don't always want to deal with a situation when I'm tired, but someone needs me. But being a consistent person means you do it anyway. You don't get to stop being a friend because it becomes inconvenient or hard for you. You don't stop making dinner for your family because you're tired. You don't stop disciplining the kids because you're frustrated, and don't even get me started on why you don't give up on potty training or putting the toddler back in their own beds at night consistently! It must be done. Being consistent with diet and exercise will get you the health results you're looking for. Being consistent with medication will hopefully bring a resolution of symptoms or healing. Being consistent with work habits and studying or being on time may get you better grades and promotions or recommendations. Writing every day makes you a better writer!  I hope.

Sometimes consistency just brings you peace, if nothing else. When you continue to pick the weeds out of the garden, the plants look more beautiful. When you continue to keep the house clean, there is no build up of clutter. When you intentionally commit yourself to doing something consistently, you will see change. When you get up every day and do the same thing, it becomes a habit. Whether that is reading your bible, spending time with God, quiet time with your kids or spouse, exercising, or whatever your life requires for peace, consistency will bring that peace to you.

Relationships are mutually defined. Consistency brings peace. Then maybe relationships that are mutually consistent should also bring peace, and I believe they do. If being consistent to ourselves brings peace, then how much more peace can we bring to someone else by being consistent with them too? It would mean a lot more to me to have a twice-a-year meaningful conversation with an old friend, than a non-conversation with someone I thought was a friend twice a month. Consistency isn't how often you talk, but the depth of how you relate, and the fact that you care to relate, not just regurgitate the happenings of your own life, but that you invest in their life too. If I'm being consistent with me, I'll be consistent with you too, because I want us both to have peace and something real to take home, even if we don't talk again for a really long time.

I suppose "consistent", when done positively can be interchanged with a lot of other qualities with a similar idea. Responsible, dependable, honorable, reliable, honest, committed, loyal. Those are qualities I look for in others and qualities I want them to see in me. Life isn't always consistent with me, but I can be consistent with my habits, and I can choose to surround myself with people who are consistent with me.

A Whisper of Grace

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? I know some women who are giving me "the look" right now, especially if you're over 40, and your bladder isn't sleeping like a well-trained puppy anymore. (My bladder doesn't have this problem, but that's another post, lol) Anyway, you stumble your way to the door in the dark, reaching for the doorknob, which apparently disappeared somehow after you brushed your teeth, and has mysteriously landed near your window, because that's where you discover you are now standing, and have realized you are completely turned around and disoriented just 4 feet from your own bed! Yes, I have done this in my own home many times. For some reason, I just can't navigate my way through my dark house without a light on anymore! I am getting lost and disoriented in a place where I am most familiar. That is so confusing to me!

But it also brings to mind where my faith has been these past few years. These past several years have been years of trials for me and my family. And maybe that's the way it's going to be from now on, as we get older and life becomes what life really is-moments of joy mixed with moments of sadness, requiring me to only live in the moment. But I know I've focused too much on the valley of the trials, because I've felt the struggle of clawing my way back up to get to the top of  the mountain where the air is clear and it's bright up there. The problem is, that isn't what life is about at all. I've been fooling myself. It never really gets "easier", and the valley is always waiting to take me back. While I know all about "wandering in the desert", I keep my hands on my own troubles, trying to steer my own way, because I think if I can just control things, they will get fixed. Yet, I can't control illness. I can't stop people from dying. I can't stop terrible bosses. I can't change so many things. But I can stop trying. I can trust God has a plan for all of this. LIKE HE HAS PROMISED ME.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

 I spent a lot of time rebelling against the hard times and the sadness, and not enough time waiting to allow God to help me use it for His purpose, to show His grace through me. I say I have faith, but I don't have enough, because I don't allow myself the joy that God would give me in the waiting. I don't have peace, and if I did, I would truly understand these trials all have a purpose. Maybe not a reason, but a PURPOSE. One that brings hope, and not more hurt.  I would fully be able to let go and let God. Not with a sigh, not with reservation, but full well knowing that God has a plan for every heartbreak, every disappointment, every lost person, every lost job, every lost dream, ability, and every single tear that rolls down my face. Does that mean I'll never have a bad day? No, but I will focus on my Source of light instead of my darkness, which is myself, trying to drag me back to the valley.

We can stumble along in the dark, fumbling for a doorknob to get to the right door, or a light switch to lead the way, or we can immediately go to the light and make sure we go in the right direction. We can stop and ask the locals for directions, but sometimes they don't know where the detours are, or they don't have a good sense of direction themselves. There really is only one Source that knows which way you should go with the circumstances you've been given. I'm going to stop asking God "why" He placed these obstacles in front of me because it only hampers my progress and my faith. I'm going to stop being angry that my plans aren't my own. I can hardly be a whisper of grace if I am wearing boxing gloves and yelling "why" in the corner of the ring all the time.

Why does anything happen to anyone? I don't know. There are a lot of senseless things happening around us in our communities and in our country that just break my heart, and I sometimes can't help but question "why"? All I can do is hold on to the promise that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, and comfort for all who hold on tight to Him.

"This is the day the Lord has made;let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I Hear You

I brought up a kindergarten memory to my husband last night, as I was trying to remember my Halloween costumes as a child. I could only remember one costume clearly, a Raggedy Ann my mom had made for me, and I remember getting to be at the front of the parade through the school, and feeling so proud to get to hold my teacher's hand. I thought she was the most beautiful teacher I had ever seen. I was painfully shy, and not in a cute way, but a terrified way, which held me back from making friends. In fact, I don't remember making friends at all in elementary school until much later on, and then they probably weren't the best kind of friends for me. I had a lot of issues as a kid, and the circumstances and details don't matter now, but it makes me realize that we sometimes judge people too harshly without knowing anything about them at all.  We tell people who are troubled to "snap out of it", or "don't talk about your problems so much", or "stop being so negative", or a lot of other dismissive statements that tell people that what they say isn't acceptable. But do we ever think about why people are that way in the first place? The popular thing to think and say is, "that happened a long time ago. It's in the past. Don't live in the past. Move on. Live your life in the present and be happy now." I don't disagree with that statement at all. I'm just saying it's easier said to another than done yourself.

There are so many things people have overcome, and it's great to celebrate that. But remember that there are so many things people still struggle with, and that's okay too. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we learn what we are meant to learn. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we meet the people we are supposed to meet. Either to help us or to help them. Not to commiserate or sit around and trade troubles and stories, but to learn new ways of coping and healing. It's okay to share your burdens, in fact, it's necessary. What's not okay is to put on a fake smile and pretend you don't have any and tell others to get over their own.  I do know there is a difference between chronic whining and genuinely sharing a concern and needing support. I don't think there is a fine line there at all. It's a big broad line!

One thing I've learned through growing up in a painfully small town where everyone knows everyone's business is that not everyone has the same advantages as everyone else. This means that some people have really cool supportive families and some don't. Some have church and some don't. Some have parents and some don't. Some are doing really well in school and some don't. Some kids are well-adjusted and healthy and some are not.  Pardon my poor use of sentence structure to make my point. If there was a checklist for a successful person, and all of these things were listed, not everyone could check every great thing. That's just the great and terrible thing about life.
And as we grow up, we hopefully start to learn from the people around us that even though we have none or a few of those things, we can start to make a better life for ourselves using what we have. But what it won't be is easy or smooth, and sometimes that makes a person a little different than others. Sometimes those differences make life interesting. Sometimes those differences make a person a little more "colorful", because how could it not?

I am colorful. I grew up in a household with a lot of interesting things and situations and I figured some things out and some things I never learned. I lacked a lot of the advantages that I saw around me, but I didn't know that at the time. It really isn't until you grow up and begin to raise your own family that you realize your own deficits or strengths sometimes. Maybe that's why you become more introspective as you get older. It isn't as easy to "live in the moment" when realizations are coming to you at a time in your life when you're trying to also "move on" and embrace changes. It's a very walking-on-eggshells period of life, and no one can tell you how to live it well or gracefully until they have felt it themselves. Everyone is going through their own "stuff", big and small. The least we can do is just be aware of that and not be so quick to judge.

It is okay to revisit your past if it brings you healing to a situation that you need to face and deal with for the first time in your life. There are some life issues that require digging, and some that just require forgetting. We all know which ones belong in which category, and no one else can choose that for us. What we don't need to do is share our lives like an open book in order to seek attention. All that will get us is a lot of people who suddenly lose interest, and will find much better things to do than listen to you or me carry on all day long. I have at least a few people in my life who wouldn't care if I carry on about the wrong stuff for awhile, but then would gently lead me back. That's the way love is supposed to work, and I do that for them too.

I recently came across an article that was very helpful to me in helping me understand why I have been struggling with a particular situation. It shed light on various behaviors of mine, past and present, that have caused me to be my own stumbling block. While all this time I have been trying to deal with the symptoms of my problem, I now can deal with the cause and heal the root of it. Now I know also how to pray about this too. Had I not taken the time to revisit this, I would probably still be struggling in this area, wondering why I do what I do, and continuing to feel the hurt that it causes. Yes, sometimes it is healing to look back. But now I can look forward.  What this didn't require was sharing it with 5 of my closest friends. Sometimes you can get the answers within yourself, by prayer, or with one friend who is wise and doesn't gossip.

I've had to also look back at my health, so that sometimes I can see how far I've come, because there are days I lose my positive attitude, and I forget my goals. I have to remember those 9 months stuck in a chair, so that I can remember that I am not stuck in a chair anymore! So far I have been able to use my past experiences to encourage others and use their experiences with chronic illness to live a better existence. The ultimate goal for me in revisiting my past is to encourage myself or others, not for pity or to dwell there, but to remember how far I've come.  It's not a great experience to deal with health issues, but not every conversation has to be about health issues either. If you read my blog, you may think that's all I talk about, but you don't talk to me every day, do you? It's what I write about, not how I live my daily life.  Believe it or not, the rest of my life is rather private.

I think what we as people lack most in this world is an understanding for each other. I don't think that requires a whole lot of explanation. I think we want to be accepted, yes, but most of all, we just want to be understood. It's why people whine, I think. Because maybe they tried to tell someone 1 or 2 times, and they weren't heard. So they tried 3 or 4 times, then 5 or 6, and finally by the tenth time of telling, it became whining, and so they were misunderstood. By then no one wants to listen or even care at that point. I've seen that happen to people, and I've kind of felt it myself when I don't feel heard or understood. It's not a good feeling to feel like you have to yell or complain to get someone to understand you! It's not what you want at all.

It doesn't take much to see that there is more to a person than what meets the eye. There is so much more to you and me than what we show the world or what I write here. And yes, we're busy and we're caught up in our own stuff, and we don't always take the time to really figure out why a person is the way they are, but when we do, it's kind of an awesome thing to connect with a real person. Even if you can't relate, to make a person feel heard and understood is a true blessing for both of you. It's easy to tell everyone to be positive and live in the moment. It's easy to say all the "good things", but if we are doing what they need, we have to stop and listen first and say something they need to hear first. Usually an "I hear you" is pretty sufficient.

Don't judge me until you've sat across from me, looked in my eyes, and heard me speak. I won't judge you until I've done the same. Actually let's not judge each other at all. Let's just listen and see what happens.