Consistency Brings Peace

Consistency. It's a word we hear when people are talking about fitness, or weight loss, or child-rearing, spiritual discipline,or any other type of habit we are trying to put in place, stop, improve, or change. When we want to change something, we must be consistent in our efforts. It's also a common word I use when referring to certain food textures, but we don't want to get started on my odd food texture aversions.

I write about relationships a lot, hence the title of my blog, "Mrs. Rogers' Neighborhood". The world is sort of like a big neighborhood of people, all trying in some way to relate to one another. Communities rely on relationships between businesses and people, schools rely on relationships between parents, teachers, staff, and students, and community. Companies are reliant upon their businesses to run smoothly between employers and employees in order for their business to thrive. When everyone is consistent in those efforts, relationships tend to go smoothly. But when one group starts to ride off into the ditch, the other group can tend to slide off with it, even if they are trying hard to stay on the road.  When everyone is working consistently toward the same goal, relationships can work really well, even if the singular components of the relationships don't always agree on the same things.

I heard a quote on TV as I was making dinner, and I stopped to write it down, as it struck a chord with me. "Relationships are mutually defined." Four words, but lots of meaning for me right now as I continue to figure out a current "relationship" that I don't understand. I don't understand it because it's not "mutually defined". Two people, whether they are friends, spouses, siblings, parent and child, or partners, will struggle in a relationship that is not defined mutually. Well, one of them will, at least, until the relationship is either defined or ended. Some relationships around me seem unbalanced, as if one partner is going one way, and the other is going home. They don't seem to be going in the same direction at all. I once even asked this defining question of this "friend", to which I received no answer. No answer is also an answer, I suppose.

I got to thinking then about consistency. For certain relationships, consistency is key. For some, consistency isn't necessary. But how do you define consistency for each relationship? For each person? I thought about that a great deal, actually, and what it means to me to be consistent in marriage is not the same as consistency in friendship. What is consistent in a close friendship is not the same as in a distant friendship. What is consistent in one friendship does not need to exist in another in order to be a friendship. However...it still needs to be consistent! And by that I mean, the way you relate to one another should not change so much that you don't recognize the relationship any longer!  Kind of answering my own question again here, "relationship" requires "relating" to one another. You know....one person talks, the other person talks, then the other person talks again. Seems easy enough!

And that's when I decided that consistency was very important to me. Well, I always knew it was, but I hadn't defined it that way. If you're going to be my friend and ask me how I'm doing and check in with me and care about my life and you're doing it on a very regular basis, and then you suddenly treat me like a stranger, and then you start up again with some very odd behavior in which you seem to recognize me again, but not in the same warm way as before, I may do one of two things: call the psych ward and have you committed, or just be done playing your weird game. Save your odd drama for your mama. Maybe she understands you better.

 In all seriousness though, when you are consistent in someone's life, you are giving them the gift of your time and your attention. What you are saying is, "You are important to me. I care about you and what's going on in your life. I want you in my life because you are special to me." Being inconsistent to someone you say you love is hurtful no matter what age they are, what relationship it is, or how much time has gone by. If you truly care about someone, even your exit from their life should be consistent. An explanation, a conversation in which the other party is allowed to express their feelings, perhaps. An apology, some type of exchange, whether they appreciate your reasoning or not, will go a long way in earning respect and hopefully eliminating that "betrayal" image of you that will otherwise burn in their hearts forever.  Maybe they'll forgive you, but maybe not.  Even a divorce can be "amicable" when issues are discussed between two mature people who can somehow put drama aside in order to move on and do what needs to be done for the betterment of the whole family.

 Consistency isn't always pretty, some think it's unnecessary, but I believe it's the key to healthy relationships of any kind. Do what you say you're going to do. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Keep your promises. Don't make promises you can't keep. Honor your words and your actions. Every time. Consistency is integrity. Especially when it's not easy or convenient. In other words, don't be a neener nanny. Be a man or a woman. If someone asks to talk to you because YOU hurt them, then you do it.

I like consistency. It's security. I like that I can count on my husband's consistency. He's the same person to me every day, and I know what to expect. I like the consistency of my  close friends and my family. My kids can count on my consistency with them as well. I believe kids who are disciplined well are more secure because they have clear and consistent boundaries and know they have your attention. Even my dog appreciates consistency. She appreciates going out at the same times each day and night, and her food and water being there and fresh every day. My family appreciates that I cook dinner for them every night, and they can expect that I am always here for them for whatever they need. Since I was hit with a migraine two days ago, I was forced to change my plans to do many things that day and it also involved not being able to help another person that night. I don't enjoy being inconsistent, but being ill doesn't come with a schedule! 

If I'm being honest, I don't always enjoy having to be consistent either. Sometimes I don't want to do what I said I was going to do! I don't always want to deal with a situation when I'm tired, but someone needs me. But being a consistent person means you do it anyway. You don't get to stop being a friend because it becomes inconvenient or hard for you. You don't stop making dinner for your family because you're tired. You don't stop disciplining the kids because you're frustrated, and don't even get me started on why you don't give up on potty training or putting the toddler back in their own beds at night consistently! It must be done. Being consistent with diet and exercise will get you the health results you're looking for. Being consistent with medication will hopefully bring a resolution of symptoms or healing. Being consistent with work habits and studying or being on time may get you better grades and promotions or recommendations. Writing every day makes you a better writer!  I hope.

Sometimes consistency just brings you peace, if nothing else. When you continue to pick the weeds out of the garden, the plants look more beautiful. When you continue to keep the house clean, there is no build up of clutter. When you intentionally commit yourself to doing something consistently, you will see change. When you get up every day and do the same thing, it becomes a habit. Whether that is reading your bible, spending time with God, quiet time with your kids or spouse, exercising, or whatever your life requires for peace, consistency will bring that peace to you.

Relationships are mutually defined. Consistency brings peace. Then maybe relationships that are mutually consistent should also bring peace, and I believe they do. If being consistent to ourselves brings peace, then how much more peace can we bring to someone else by being consistent with them too? It would mean a lot more to me to have a twice-a-year meaningful conversation with an old friend, than a non-conversation with someone I thought was a friend twice a month. Consistency isn't how often you talk, but the depth of how you relate, and the fact that you care to relate, not just regurgitate the happenings of your own life, but that you invest in their life too. If I'm being consistent with me, I'll be consistent with you too, because I want us both to have peace and something real to take home, even if we don't talk again for a really long time.

I suppose "consistent", when done positively can be interchanged with a lot of other qualities with a similar idea. Responsible, dependable, honorable, reliable, honest, committed, loyal. Those are qualities I look for in others and qualities I want them to see in me. Life isn't always consistent with me, but I can be consistent with my habits, and I can choose to surround myself with people who are consistent with me.