I Hear You

I brought up a kindergarten memory to my husband last night, as I was trying to remember my Halloween costumes as a child. I could only remember one costume clearly, a Raggedy Ann my mom had made for me, and I remember getting to be at the front of the parade through the school, and feeling so proud to get to hold my teacher's hand. I thought she was the most beautiful teacher I had ever seen. I was painfully shy, and not in a cute way, but a terrified way, which held me back from making friends. In fact, I don't remember making friends at all in elementary school until much later on, and then they probably weren't the best kind of friends for me. I had a lot of issues as a kid, and the circumstances and details don't matter now, but it makes me realize that we sometimes judge people too harshly without knowing anything about them at all.  We tell people who are troubled to "snap out of it", or "don't talk about your problems so much", or "stop being so negative", or a lot of other dismissive statements that tell people that what they say isn't acceptable. But do we ever think about why people are that way in the first place? The popular thing to think and say is, "that happened a long time ago. It's in the past. Don't live in the past. Move on. Live your life in the present and be happy now." I don't disagree with that statement at all. I'm just saying it's easier said to another than done yourself.

There are so many things people have overcome, and it's great to celebrate that. But remember that there are so many things people still struggle with, and that's okay too. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we learn what we are meant to learn. Sometimes it's in our struggle that we meet the people we are supposed to meet. Either to help us or to help them. Not to commiserate or sit around and trade troubles and stories, but to learn new ways of coping and healing. It's okay to share your burdens, in fact, it's necessary. What's not okay is to put on a fake smile and pretend you don't have any and tell others to get over their own.  I do know there is a difference between chronic whining and genuinely sharing a concern and needing support. I don't think there is a fine line there at all. It's a big broad line!

One thing I've learned through growing up in a painfully small town where everyone knows everyone's business is that not everyone has the same advantages as everyone else. This means that some people have really cool supportive families and some don't. Some have church and some don't. Some have parents and some don't. Some are doing really well in school and some don't. Some kids are well-adjusted and healthy and some are not.  Pardon my poor use of sentence structure to make my point. If there was a checklist for a successful person, and all of these things were listed, not everyone could check every great thing. That's just the great and terrible thing about life.
And as we grow up, we hopefully start to learn from the people around us that even though we have none or a few of those things, we can start to make a better life for ourselves using what we have. But what it won't be is easy or smooth, and sometimes that makes a person a little different than others. Sometimes those differences make life interesting. Sometimes those differences make a person a little more "colorful", because how could it not?

I am colorful. I grew up in a household with a lot of interesting things and situations and I figured some things out and some things I never learned. I lacked a lot of the advantages that I saw around me, but I didn't know that at the time. It really isn't until you grow up and begin to raise your own family that you realize your own deficits or strengths sometimes. Maybe that's why you become more introspective as you get older. It isn't as easy to "live in the moment" when realizations are coming to you at a time in your life when you're trying to also "move on" and embrace changes. It's a very walking-on-eggshells period of life, and no one can tell you how to live it well or gracefully until they have felt it themselves. Everyone is going through their own "stuff", big and small. The least we can do is just be aware of that and not be so quick to judge.

It is okay to revisit your past if it brings you healing to a situation that you need to face and deal with for the first time in your life. There are some life issues that require digging, and some that just require forgetting. We all know which ones belong in which category, and no one else can choose that for us. What we don't need to do is share our lives like an open book in order to seek attention. All that will get us is a lot of people who suddenly lose interest, and will find much better things to do than listen to you or me carry on all day long. I have at least a few people in my life who wouldn't care if I carry on about the wrong stuff for awhile, but then would gently lead me back. That's the way love is supposed to work, and I do that for them too.

I recently came across an article that was very helpful to me in helping me understand why I have been struggling with a particular situation. It shed light on various behaviors of mine, past and present, that have caused me to be my own stumbling block. While all this time I have been trying to deal with the symptoms of my problem, I now can deal with the cause and heal the root of it. Now I know also how to pray about this too. Had I not taken the time to revisit this, I would probably still be struggling in this area, wondering why I do what I do, and continuing to feel the hurt that it causes. Yes, sometimes it is healing to look back. But now I can look forward.  What this didn't require was sharing it with 5 of my closest friends. Sometimes you can get the answers within yourself, by prayer, or with one friend who is wise and doesn't gossip.

I've had to also look back at my health, so that sometimes I can see how far I've come, because there are days I lose my positive attitude, and I forget my goals. I have to remember those 9 months stuck in a chair, so that I can remember that I am not stuck in a chair anymore! So far I have been able to use my past experiences to encourage others and use their experiences with chronic illness to live a better existence. The ultimate goal for me in revisiting my past is to encourage myself or others, not for pity or to dwell there, but to remember how far I've come.  It's not a great experience to deal with health issues, but not every conversation has to be about health issues either. If you read my blog, you may think that's all I talk about, but you don't talk to me every day, do you? It's what I write about, not how I live my daily life.  Believe it or not, the rest of my life is rather private.

I think what we as people lack most in this world is an understanding for each other. I don't think that requires a whole lot of explanation. I think we want to be accepted, yes, but most of all, we just want to be understood. It's why people whine, I think. Because maybe they tried to tell someone 1 or 2 times, and they weren't heard. So they tried 3 or 4 times, then 5 or 6, and finally by the tenth time of telling, it became whining, and so they were misunderstood. By then no one wants to listen or even care at that point. I've seen that happen to people, and I've kind of felt it myself when I don't feel heard or understood. It's not a good feeling to feel like you have to yell or complain to get someone to understand you! It's not what you want at all.

It doesn't take much to see that there is more to a person than what meets the eye. There is so much more to you and me than what we show the world or what I write here. And yes, we're busy and we're caught up in our own stuff, and we don't always take the time to really figure out why a person is the way they are, but when we do, it's kind of an awesome thing to connect with a real person. Even if you can't relate, to make a person feel heard and understood is a true blessing for both of you. It's easy to tell everyone to be positive and live in the moment. It's easy to say all the "good things", but if we are doing what they need, we have to stop and listen first and say something they need to hear first. Usually an "I hear you" is pretty sufficient.

Don't judge me until you've sat across from me, looked in my eyes, and heard me speak. I won't judge you until I've done the same. Actually let's not judge each other at all. Let's just listen and see what happens.