A Whisper of Grace

Have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? I know some women who are giving me "the look" right now, especially if you're over 40, and your bladder isn't sleeping like a well-trained puppy anymore. (My bladder doesn't have this problem, but that's another post, lol) Anyway, you stumble your way to the door in the dark, reaching for the doorknob, which apparently disappeared somehow after you brushed your teeth, and has mysteriously landed near your window, because that's where you discover you are now standing, and have realized you are completely turned around and disoriented just 4 feet from your own bed! Yes, I have done this in my own home many times. For some reason, I just can't navigate my way through my dark house without a light on anymore! I am getting lost and disoriented in a place where I am most familiar. That is so confusing to me!

But it also brings to mind where my faith has been these past few years. These past several years have been years of trials for me and my family. And maybe that's the way it's going to be from now on, as we get older and life becomes what life really is-moments of joy mixed with moments of sadness, requiring me to only live in the moment. But I know I've focused too much on the valley of the trials, because I've felt the struggle of clawing my way back up to get to the top of  the mountain where the air is clear and it's bright up there. The problem is, that isn't what life is about at all. I've been fooling myself. It never really gets "easier", and the valley is always waiting to take me back. While I know all about "wandering in the desert", I keep my hands on my own troubles, trying to steer my own way, because I think if I can just control things, they will get fixed. Yet, I can't control illness. I can't stop people from dying. I can't stop terrible bosses. I can't change so many things. But I can stop trying. I can trust God has a plan for all of this. LIKE HE HAS PROMISED ME.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

 I spent a lot of time rebelling against the hard times and the sadness, and not enough time waiting to allow God to help me use it for His purpose, to show His grace through me. I say I have faith, but I don't have enough, because I don't allow myself the joy that God would give me in the waiting. I don't have peace, and if I did, I would truly understand these trials all have a purpose. Maybe not a reason, but a PURPOSE. One that brings hope, and not more hurt.  I would fully be able to let go and let God. Not with a sigh, not with reservation, but full well knowing that God has a plan for every heartbreak, every disappointment, every lost person, every lost job, every lost dream, ability, and every single tear that rolls down my face. Does that mean I'll never have a bad day? No, but I will focus on my Source of light instead of my darkness, which is myself, trying to drag me back to the valley.

We can stumble along in the dark, fumbling for a doorknob to get to the right door, or a light switch to lead the way, or we can immediately go to the light and make sure we go in the right direction. We can stop and ask the locals for directions, but sometimes they don't know where the detours are, or they don't have a good sense of direction themselves. There really is only one Source that knows which way you should go with the circumstances you've been given. I'm going to stop asking God "why" He placed these obstacles in front of me because it only hampers my progress and my faith. I'm going to stop being angry that my plans aren't my own. I can hardly be a whisper of grace if I am wearing boxing gloves and yelling "why" in the corner of the ring all the time.

Why does anything happen to anyone? I don't know. There are a lot of senseless things happening around us in our communities and in our country that just break my heart, and I sometimes can't help but question "why"? All I can do is hold on to the promise that God has a purpose and a plan for everything, and comfort for all who hold on tight to Him.

"This is the day the Lord has made;let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24