So Glad it's Friday....

It is not Tuesday,my regular posting day,but I am back. I'm so glad it's Friday! Don't cheer just yet,I might complain just a little. This past week our area was hit with a nasty ice and snow storm,which made a mess of the roads and trees,knocking out power to over 11,000 people in my county alone. The storm came early Sunday morning, and the girls had plans to return to school later that afternoon. We awoke to no power,and with worries of our girls driving back in the mess. Needless to say,anxiety was for breakfast and worry was for lunch. I would love to say I was a cool,unharried mother,but when it comes to storms and kids,I revert back to my preschool days of fevers and all things scary.
I tried to no avail to convince them to stay until Monday,but with finals and work schedules,it was just not possible. With lots of prayers,we sent them on their way,and yes,they made it safely back,taking a safer but longer route to school. I breathed a sigh of relief,and then set to work on the inconvenience of a certain days-long power outage. Because of the low population of our area,we know we aren't a priority when it comes to being top of the list of having our power restored,so Steve drove into town on the unplowed (also last on the county list) road to fill up the gas tanks for the generator,and we settled in.

The power outage was inconvenient,yes. No one likes having to worry about the sump pump in the basement,the food in the refrigerator and freezers,but we weren't worried about much else as far as the house was concerned. What was more concerning was that I had just discovered on Friday that I had run out of one of my medications. This never happens,as all of my medications automatically renew,and if they start to run low,they call my physician. If a problem occurs,they call me,and I have plenty of time to fix the issue. None of that happened,and so I was stuck without one of my crucial medications for my IC condition. I have also been in a horrible flare for the last two weeks. This was not the time to lose power or my medication or to encounter stress! But all of those things happened at once.

When I finally was able to contact my physician,they said they didn't renew my medication because they hadn't seen me for a year. (I was in their office on 2-14-2019 for a 2 hour procedure,which she noted in the correspondence) However,no one notified me. I did not expect this from a top medical facility who supposedly understood how awful this condition is and medication maintenance is crucial. When I tried to make a follow up appointment with them they told me to wait back in July. So....anyway,lately I've just been feeling like no one is really helping and a whole lot of things are really hurting. Ever feel that way? Like a big ole lumpfest of yuck?

I equate this to how it feels when you finally lose hope. People love to tell others, "Stay positive!" or "chin up!" I really want to ask some of those people if they really understand who they are saying that to at all. There is a big difference between a positive attitude and hope. I kept a positive attitude about the power outage day one, day two,and then it started to turn into day three,and the only reason it started to really get under my skin is it was starting to cost a lot of money to keep the generator going. My husband was stressing about work issues,the power outage issues,my health,and it just seemed the list kept going. The generator kept quitting in the night and he was worried about my pain level and keeping me comfortable. By the second night, I missed an entire night of sleep and for some reason,Angel wanted outside at 3 and 4 in the morning. She was a restless dog the entire time the power was out,poor girl. Because of my loss of sleep and lack of hot water the next day,I had to cancel a very important physical therapy appointment that morning. Sigh. When it rains,sometimes it just pours. And freezes if you're in Michigan in December. And sometimes you just lose your "positive attitude" because you can only hold on to measly "positive" for so long!

This is when hope comes in. Hope isn't about getting your power restored,though it is about getting your lights turned back on,in a way.  Hope says, yeah,you're right. It's bad,but God will take you through this. His power will restore you. That's why I choose hope over any smarmy positive quote or cheesy affirmation I ever see anywhere. Hope says,this looks like a long,tough wait,but God is going to wait with you. You won't go through this alone. Hope is dependable. A positive attitude is not a bad thing,but it's what I need before I plug a string of Christmas lights in. Not the only thing I need when I'm going through something really tough! God is where my hope is found.

So,I had a pretty rough week,and I know it could have been worse,and I'm thankful it wasn't worse. In the grand scheme of things,it was just a loss of money,time,and probably some new gray hairs. We all have bad moments,days,weeks,and even years. Someone may have it worse than us,it's true. But I'm here to reassure you that I won't dismiss the way YOU feel about YOUR pain and how you are dealing with it by telling you that. What I will say is that yes, it's bad, and I'm sorry. Just don't lose HOPE. Because God is in this with you. He will never leave you or forsake you, no matter how bad it looks,feels,or seems. He is your hope. Hold on.

Humble yourselves,therefore,under God's mighty hand,that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:6,7

I am both positive and hopeful that my writing will return to normal next Tuesday. Prayers for healing would be most appreciated as I try to manage this latest flare. Blessings to you!

Friends,Family,Fighting,Forgiving....

The holiday season is upon us,and that means lots of time running into people in stores,parties,and all the family gatherings. You may be thinking that's wonderful,or you may be like some people I talk to,and you might not be looking forward to the holidays at all. Holidays aren't all sunshine and rainbows for some people,and let's face it,we didn't all come from the Brady Bunch,so not everyone has 72 great photos to share on their social media every time there's a family get together! It can be a hurtful time for some people,while others are celebrating and enjoying each other's company. Relationships with people can be really tough sometimes! Especially family. Especially friends. Okay,maybe both!

What's really sad is that these people can exist within your own circle of friends or family. The very people you think you can depend on to love, support and understand you sometimes turn out to be the people who turn on you,or don't really seem to support you at all. I'm always saddened by the number of people who are suffering from this type of insincere "love". Some people don't feel they can leave these relationships,because "family doesn't leave family",but how do you continue to insert yourself in a place where you don't feel wanted or even needed? How do you continue to approach those who seem like they don't even want you around? When is it okay to just walk away from these types of situations? What if it's family? How does that translate when you're forced to meet every Thanksgiving and pass that cranberry sauce? What if you live in a small town and you see that friend all the time? It's just not easy to be at odds with anyone. It hurts! And yet,we have to also consider what all that turmoil is doing to us inside too. When we've done all we can do to be kind,be at peace,and be as loving as we are allowed with someone and we still get nowhere,it gets to a point where we are breaking our own hearts to stay in a place we are not welcome. I feel whether it is a long-term friendship or a family member,there are times you have to walk away, especially if it is affecting your well-being.

We are commanded to love one another. Yes.

John 13:34 Love one another. As I have loved you,so you must love one another. 

We are also called to forgive. Yes.

Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 

 But are we called to keep toxic people on our speed dials? No. You can love someone,forgive them,and also move on without them in your life. And all of that is fine with God. He never told us we had to be doormats in order to follow Him and be so-called "good Christians." We are to follow Christ. He was no doormat! We are not being asked to push people into loving us back,whether it's our family member or even an old friend. Sometimes we have to give ourselves or that other person space. This may look or feel like desertion on on your part,but if it's done with love in your heart and for the good of both of you,then this is a loving gesture,whether it feels good or not. Something I've learned over the years is that love doesn't always feel good. Sometimes love feels like a very hard decision done well.

We should always be kind and tender-hearted,but never be a fool. It hurts me very much to have to end relationships or stop trying with people I care about very much. It breaks my heart when someone just gives up on me when I don't feel I've done anything wrong. It's at these crucial points that we need to do the proverbial "let go and let God",and give those relationships over to the One who can heal them.

 When it's your family doing the hurting,you will have to face them again at some point. Sadly it's usually when someone in the family passes away. This is more common than people realize.  Families are complicated. Families are all different,and unless you grew up in that house with those people with that situation and those circumstances,you have no business judging those choices,feelings,situations,etc...Honestly,everyone becomes a Judge Judy when it comes to what people should do about their family rifts. Pray for them. That's what I would want someone doing for me and it's what I would do for you. Don't assume you know the whole story when you hear it from one side. As my favorite TV doctor always says, "no matter how flat you make a pancake,there are still two sides." He also always says, "there are three sides to every story: mine,yours,and the truth, somewhere in the middle." The most important thing I've learned about family and friendship rifts is to NOT GET IN THE MIDDLE of them. Pray,pray,and pray some more.

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. 

Our efforts toward others should reflect love and compassion,not revenge and anger. We may be hurt by something they did or said,but acting out of malice will only make the situation worse,and it will make us look bad too. We should always be known for the way we love people,even if that means we don't have a relationship with them anymore. I know,that sounds confusing. I always thought if you loved someone they'd never leave you,but boy,have I been wrong about that and so many other things. People are disappointing. We can be too! (shocking,I know)They will hurt you, use you, leave you,and do all kinds of things you don't expect. It is hard sometimes to think the best of people when they are doing a really bad job of "loving" you. Grace means understanding that sometimes people aren't what we expect and sometimes we aren't what they need and it's best to let that be and move on. Grace is also hearing what someone has to say about how you've treated them and listening instead of defending. Sincere love gives opportunity for conversations and room for disagreement. Sincere love means being ready to explain and being ready to hear. If there's no love at all, there's no reason to continue. Time to move. Do not stay where you are not loved. And don't forget there is always room for understanding and forgiveness too. If someone wants to make up with you,be willing! Don't be a grudge-holder. I am a firm believer that SOME people DO change,and some people really are sorry,and some people really do want to start over. Sadly,most people don't trust very easily again after being hurt. That's one of the problems of being hurt by someone you once loved and trusted dearly. But that's the price of love too.

Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge,my friends,but leave room for God's wrath,for it is written:"It is mine to avenge;I will repay",says the Lord. 

 God will always love us and tolerate all of our shortcomings. He knows we want to turn to people when we are hurt,but He wants to be the One we turn to when we are hurting. Sometimes we have to get a few doses of hurt before we realize God is the best friend and confidant we will ever have. Whether it was our mistake that caused a rift or theirs, God loves us both the same. He cares about how we handle disagreements and hurts,but He wants to be a part of every relationship we have.  I can assure you of this. He does not like it when one of His children is being awful to another, and thankfully He takes care of that without us ever having to do a thing.

Romans 12:18 goes on to say,If it is possible,as far as it depends on you,live at peace with everyone. 

I find it interesting, the use of the word "if" in that verse. If it is possible. We know that sometimes even after we've tried to apologize to someone,even after we've forgiven,sometimes it's just not possible to be at peace in a situation. Sometimes the only way to live at peace in a tumultuous relationship with someone is to walk away.It doesn't make you right and them wrong or vice versa.It just means peace cannot be found because one of you is not making the effort to live it. At that point,it is best to give the relationship to God and let him move you on or that other person on,and let Him work His own possibilities. This means creating distance between you in life and on social media,not discussing this person in a negative light with others,and praying for them instead of tearing them down. Again, love must be sincere. We wonder why so many friendships and family relationships fall apart. They lack basic respect and communication. They sometimes lack apologies and forgiveness too.

Forgiveness takes time,and sometimes even after we think we've forgiven,something happens to drag our feelings back up again,and we find ourselves getting upset all over again. I'm not the one who will make anyone feel guilty over taking their time to forgive anyone. It does take time,and with God's help,it does happen in the time it's meant to happen. We grow every time we are hurt if we allow that hurt to press us onward and upward and we grow every time we are able to love the ones who hurt us. We are blessed when we forgive and stop tripping over the same hurts and issues. Others are blessed when we forgive because we become lighter,kinder,and our prayers become more genuine and effective. Because of all these benefits of true forgiveness,yes,God will definitely help you and I get where we need to be, forgiving and moving on. Grace allows us to let bitterness go. Grace reminds us that we all have growing to do,mistakes we've made,and we all need forgiveness probably every day.

Romans 12:14-16 Bless those who persecute you;bless and do not curse.Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn.Live in harmony with one another.

Blessings to you this holiday season. May your hands around the table be joined in love and prayer,and may your hearts be light and filled with healthy,happy relationships.

If You Want to Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans

Nothing ever goes as planned. It's a line in an old song and it's a tune that runs through my head frequently when things just aren't going to plan! But oh, am I glad things don't always go as I planned them or I don't know where I would be today.

My life didn't turn out the way I "planned" it. I laugh as I think of my own plans back then,though "good health" was certainly a good idea. But who I thought I would marry, what career I thought I'd be in, how many kids and who they would be and where I would live and what my life would be-yeah, none of that manifested!  And I laugh as I think back to my eighteen-year old self,praying for what I thought I wanted,getting something entirely different, and thinking God must not have been listening! Oh,now I know! I surely know. He wanted so much better for me than I could ever have imagined!

"For I know the PLANS I have for you",declares the Lord,"PLANS to prosper you and not to harm you,PLANS to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

So if God already knows the plan, He's already set to prosper me, not harm me, and give me a hope and a future, then I need to trust that whatever is set before me is part of His plan. This doesn't mean I will be without suffering or hardship or disappointment. It just means as my planner, He will be with me through it all. Just like parents who can see around corners for their children and guide them through life situations, God will lead us to our future,helping us, and stirring us with hope. This is the kind of hope that takes life's unplanned events to a higher level for others who may be watching us live that out. This is where God's glory can be seen. This is why it's okay when things don't go as we plan them.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him,and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 

Isn't it a comfort to know that we don't have to have it all figured out? That we can rely on God to know the answers when we just have no earthly idea what's going to happen next? I am one of those people who loses her mind when the power goes out. I am one of those people who panics when the car won't start or finds a bat in the house. I am a type B personality most of the time, but I become a type A all the way when things happen that I can't fix by myself or control, and I have to depend on others to help me. Can God turn the power back on or shoo a bat or start my car? Well, He can sure provide the help that will. And I've learned to change my verbiage from "Are you kidding meeeee!" to "Okay...what can I do about this?" That is me relying on God and not relying on me. It's a power shift that needed to happen, much like when we make plans. And as the old saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans!" Ha! I must have given Him the giggles a few times.

We need to remember when we're making plans to include God in them. He wants a seat at the marriage,job, party, relationship, college, or whatever plan we're making, because He is already making a plan for us and blessing it. Having our alignment with His plan for us is where we are most effective in seeing God's will and purpose at work!

In their hearts humans PLAN their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

Many PLANS are in a man's heart, but the purpose of the Lord will prevail. Proverbs 19:21 

Don't lose hope if your own plans seem to be falling apart. Ask God to reveal a new plan to you so you can have peace and move forward with a new and better outcome in mind. I sure didn't plan on having a chronic illness, and I know it's not God's plan for me to be sick, but every sickness I've endured has brought me some kind of blessing or some person that I just can't live without. I can't even imagine what my life would have been had it gone any other way. Maybe the plans you had involved someone who is no longer with you, and there's no good answer for that. Only God knows why sometimes things don't turn out seemingly for our good. But we have to believe He is good, and we all have a purpose and it is good. He loves us and that will never change. May He wrap his loving arms around you and comfort you and give you peace from all your broken plans.

Blessings to you! Thanks for reading. 

Back to Peace 101

It's fall here in Michigan, but with a second fresh blanket of snow and a single digit on the thermometer,I will challenge that title as I put on a fuzzy pair of socks. I caught myself complaining about the snow yesterday as I woke up early in the morning, prepared for a positive day. The snowy morning caught me off guard, realizing my oldest daughter, who had stayed an extra night at home this weekend, had to make the almost 90 minute drive back to her college apartment that afternoon.  I had looked at the weather report the day before and didn't see anything about this surprise snow storm, and as some mothers do, I began to worry. Oh, how I love finding a surprise ten dollar bill in a winter coat pocket the first time I wear it, or come upon a sale at my favorite store, and yes, they have my size, but my zeal for surprise snow storms ranks right up there with surprise plumbing malfunctions.

 My beautiful, smart, courageous daughter assured me she had driven in much worse conditions, and she would take it slow and carefully on those hilly, curvy, so-far-away-from-cell-tower roads. Yes, she would, but what about everyone else? Why should I trust that everyone else was going to be slow and careful around my precious cargo? She hugged me tight, we shared "I love yous" and I caught her hazelish, bluish-green gaze for a few long seconds. Out the door she went, and my worried mom mind wondered why she looked at me that way.  She "shared her location" with me on her cell phone so I could basically be her digital passenger, watching her every stop and move, losing her only through those dead zones only open wild country provide. I prayed for her protection and safety as I do every day, yet why was I so worried? Why can't I "let go and let God"?

It took awhile after my prayer to suddenly feel peaceful. After a long, slow drive, she did make it back to college safely in time for her test. I was grateful, but I know this is something I need to work on intentionally. It's coming up a lot lately. Trust. Faith. Letting go.  And these are the keys to peace, my ultimate goal. God knew all these shakeups, big and small,were going to be a part of my life one day. What I didn't realize is that I was going to try to juggle them all by myself and get myself all out of balance. I can't stop the snowstorms, I can't fix my mother's depression, I can't heal my youngest daughter's migraines, I can't stop people from doing things I wish they'd stop doing! Hey, I can't control anything. Did I just figure this out? No. I must be a slow learner.

However....the Word of God has a lot to say about my goal of peace. I can't get this through osmosis,  I actually have to keep APPLYING this in order for it to take hold of my heart, soul, and mind.

John 14:27 PEACE I leave with you;my PEACE I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

He has already left me with Peace, and I lose it every time I give it up to worry.

Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love,joy,PEACE,forbearance,kindness,goodness, faithfulness.

These qualities are produced in me by the Spirit when I align myself with Christ.  Again, it's already been given. It's what I have when I am more like Him in all I say and do. How can I say I trust God and then turn around and worry about the very thing I just trusted Him for? That's so worldly of me. That's me expecting God to do what the world does. Not many people in this world can be trusted-to stop at stop signs, to drive carefully on snowy roads, to be kind instead of hurtful, to keep a secret, to do what they say they will do. But I know Who can be trusted, and who comes through every time even when the outcome isn't what my worldly mind can understand. A spiritual osmosis.Letting God's way take over my spirit.  Now that, I can get behind.

Psalm 29:11 The Lord gives strength to his people;the Lord blesses his people with PEACE.

Psalm 34:14 Turn from evil and do good;seek PEACE and pursue it.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect PEACE those whose minds are steadfast,because they trust in you.

 Peace is a wonderful and desired side effect of trust. It is who God is. He is not just the epitome of peace. He IS peace. If He is in me, then I am peace too. I love words that are repeated over and over in the Bible. It means it is important to get that point! God is the parent who knew we had to have things repeated over and over because we are stubborn, wayward children sometimes who don't listen as they should. I am one of those children. I am a child of one of those children, and I may have a couple of those children. But it's no excuse. We DO know better. We just need to DO better.

 Lord, help us all become who you designed us to be. Refine us into the peace-seeking, Christ-minded, people-loving individuals who will continue your work here on earth. And help us to remember to trust you, seek you, and yes, even love and honor you more in all we say and do. Amen.

Let that be all for today. I'm glad to be back writing. I've had all kinds of obstacles, but I am knocking them over one at a time. Love to all and blessings to those who take the time to read. 

Thankful for Hurdles?

"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune,or temporary defeat."-Napoleon Hill


Though a typical "self-help"quote, I think of this much deeper. For years I have waited for "my time" to come. Having been sidelined by sickness at 19, I had to withdraw from college and struggled to keep my full time job. I often spent my lunch hours resting on the break room floor in the dark. I would come home and go straight to bed. I had a very limited social life, except for the many doctors I met and the clients at work. When I did go out and have fun, I paid for it the next day, and the cycle continued until I was about 23 and went to Ann Arbor for treatment. I was never really "well" after that, still struggling with debilitating migraines for years, actually until I found a doctor just a few years ago.  I know what it is to miss out on everything you want to do and people you want to see. I know what it means to lose relationships because you can't keep up with them or fulfill them the way they expect. I know how it feels to watch your future goals go up in flames because you just can't focus or stay well enough to stay in school. I have known defeat for a really long time, and yet I haven't stayed down forever. I still made plans. Call it denial, call it strength,but I don't stay down for too long to this day.

 As I look back on those goal-sucking days, I've also seen where they have given me opportunities I may have otherwise missed, and found people I may not have met had it not been for my hardships. In other words, this mess has been blessed, even if I couldn't see it at the time.

As I would overcome one health hurdle, another would come along,and I'm not going to give you this speech about how I embraced the challenge and thanked God for the test. Nope. I did not! I questioned Him, got mad, had a pity party or two, got strong, got weak again, lost a little faith, found it again, grew a little understanding, found a different purpose, grieved for the life I left behind,accepted it,and moved on. Do I sometimes slip back and look a little too long at what I lost? Yes. And then I am reminded of how far I've come. And as my friend Norm wrote in a blog post he sent to me, "Turn Your Faith Back On", "May our God remind us of the giants we have slain and the victories we have won in the Lord's name. Yes, we are more than conquerors, through Christ,who gives us the victory!" Those words have rung in my ears many times as I speak to myself and to others. Don't forget the giants you have already slain! Don't sit too long and think about how bad things look or feel. The world has me convinced that I'm in bad shape. According to medical reports and some of the negativity on my support groups, I'm doomed! How easily I'm persuaded in my weakness that there's no hope, when I know better. God IS my hope and my healer and because of Him, all of this has a purpose. He has me in the palm of His hand. He knows the outcome already. He knows our favorite question is Why? It's mine. Why why why? But I'm still learning it's about trust and patience and obedience, and all the things I stink at most of the time. (you may laugh out loud. It's ok)

 Why do we always assume the worst? When we are assured that He wants our best?
I'll be the first to admit that when you're doing everything you can to promote yourself to good health and you STILL are not in good shape because quite frankly, interstitial cystitis has a mind of it's own...it can be so painfully frustrating. So hard to trust. So hard to not feel alone when no physical human being in your life understands, sometimes even your physician is short with you! It's a very lonely disease. And yet, God walks beside us. He knows every pain and every tear. Every frustration, every hurdle, every injustice in our care is known to Him.

I was given this particular life for a reason. I am compassionate with others who are chronically ill, in fact, I find them to be some of the kindest people I've ever met. While I used to be physically strong and not so strong mentally, I've found the tables are turning. I've had to become strong not only to endure the pain of others in my family, but to endure my own and not bury it, but face it. A completely new concept for me. Crying was a new concept for me until 2014! The Lord has changed me and continues to change me and use my weaknesses to show me that I can be strong, regardless of what slows me down. What will become of this? That remains to be seen. My job is to continue to see that it's not a punishment,look for the blessings, and continue to thank God every day. No matter what.

Staying positive is not easy. Asking God for help is also not easy sometimes. Having pain nearly every day is no picnic. I did not plan on my life going in this direction, nor would I wish it on my worst enemy. Sometimes I wake up and for just one moment I forget I have this awful condition, but then I remember, and honestly, I go through times where it is really hard to get out of bed. But I do. And I go on. I try very hard not to submit to this disease or its mental counterparts. I know that every time I make it through one of those hard times,I'm stronger for the next hurdle, whatever it may be. Praising God for the book of Job. It's gotten me through many times! Thankful for God's Word and the people He has placed in my life to remind me I'm not alone, I'm not doomed,healing is possible,and I don't have to be depressed. In fact, I have many things to be thankful for every day!

Blessings to you and may God be with you through all of your hurdles. If you are reading this, I am thankful for you too!

50 and Unapologetically Me

Have a seat at my kitchen table. Here's your coffee and cinnamon roll. This one's personal...

Wow. Where have I been lately? I have missed writing here! Summer went by way too fast, and fall is creeping in like a sneaky sneakerkins, and I turned 50 last week! I aged while you were waiting for me to post again! As I enter this new colorful season and also a new season of my life, I find myself making some major changes, though not visible to anyone but me.

I decided I have spent way too much time worrying about what others think. I have spent too much time trying to please others, keep the peace, not upset someone, blur my boundaries in order to maintain a relationship, caring about who cares about me and who doesn't,and many other things that stole my own peace. I was accepting less than I expect and who does that? Someone who doesn't love themselves enough to set healthy boundaries. Someone who needs the approval of others. Someone who is afraid to let go and reach for the unknown. Someone who hasn't been trusting the voice inside of her enough for way too long. Someone who needs to spend more time with God and less time listening to the world. Well....SCREEeeeeeCH! Those are my brakes you just heard. Who do I want to be? Who am I from here on out? A fifty year old who knows herself or a fifty year old still searching and still being disappointed? I think I know which one I am going to be!

I have that darn ole chronic illness of mine, and I have enough pain and fatigue just fighting that almost every day. I decided that on my good days, I don't want to spend it with negativity, and I started to notice that negativity in areas of my life. With certain people, with certain activities, and my own thought patterns. I do have control over my own interactions, thoughts, relationships, activities, and actions. I may not have control over the way my body wakes up every day, but I can approach it without all that other stuff in the way!

People don't realize the energy it takes for a person who has any chronic condition to function physically, let alone socially, emotionally, and every other -ally. For anyone to criticize you for not showing up to their event, without first understanding your need to spend time with your family when you are well, or recharge your batteries tells me they don't respect your friendship or the boundaries you have in place. I love a friend who understands that I may feel great at 6pm, but start flaring at 7pm! I love a friend who understands that I may cancel plans because my kids decided to come home and surprise me. Any new empty-nester gets this. It's lonely! When my kids come home, I need them! I'm not going to apologize for wanting to be with my family. I'm just not. I love a friend who respects my priorities as I respect theirs. Please be understanding of people if they can't come to all of your functions or if they cancel last minute. Try not to take it personally. Grace is a wonderful gift to give someone, especially if you know they already miss so many things! I'm lucky to get out to the grocery store! And I only go there because I'm sure of where the bathroom is...sigh. I should add that I'm tired of explaining....

I'm also setting goals to find time for the things I enjoy that involve me. Just me. What helped me do this was writing the foreword for Norm's book this summer. It made me realize I hadn't done anything that didn't involve doing something to help my husband for his work, my kids for their school, my mom for her church, my home, the yard, or a friend for something else. I rarely get to the things that matter to just me. Don't get me wrong, I love to serve others! But- I need my own goals too. I have pushed myself aside for so long that I don't even know what I like to do anymore. I'm just ready eddie for whoever needs whatever! It's no wonder I can't sit down and find time to write! I don't prioritize myself as far as life goals. I know other women in this predicament as well. And before you think it's selfish to do so, I used to think that way too, hence the reason I don't have a life of my own! It's not selfish. It's necessary. I'm tired of not having things that pertain to "me" and "me" alone, and it's not as easy as I thought it would be, even with the kids away at college. Now I realize part of that is dealing with my illness. I don't have as many good days as I would like, having not entered into remission yet. When I do have a good day, I have a whole bunch of work to catch up on! This illness zaps my energy and abilities, and I don't like to go on and on about that. But it is worth noting that it's like having bricks tied to your feet and trying to win a race with world class sprinters. And there are a lot of people out there just like me. And they look normal on the outside too. I'm much more mindful of the overtired, overworked, overwhelmed, under-stimulated person out there.

Life is more than this! God made us with a purpose, and it's our job to go after that with a passion. This is my goal.

Fifty brought with it some challenges,but my strength has increased. As you may be able to discern, I've become a little more strong in verbalizing my thoughts. I don't think that's a bad thing, and as you get older, life gets shorter. I think more people should say how they are looking at a situation, or how something made them feel. The undertow and the undermining people carry around is so evident, why not speak it instead? Why not say your disappointment and say it in a way that it can be relieved or worked out together? Why not verbalize your anger respectfully instead of going silent? Why not state your position instead of folding your arms and unfriending everyone?? I don't get why people are so afraid to just be what God made them to be-thinking, feeling, emoting, speaking humans. Do we lose control sometimes? Of course, and then there's a thing called Grace. We need maturity to get us through life,and understanding, and compassion and forgiveness for others and ourselves. I know it's not always simple. I've made so many mistakes with people and most of them didn't let me rectify them. But you know what? That's on them, not me.

 My mistakes were made because I was insecure,and I think a lot of people feel that way. They just want to know they belong, and so many people just aren't willing to give that away. I gave away so much love to a person that I hurt myself in the process! I did this time and time again with people,and I stopped kicking myself for it after awhile,because I realized something. I was made to love. But not everyone was ready for that love I was trying to give. I wanted to be that "Special whatever" to someone because it was such a void in my life, and I was willing to blur all my boundaries for those people, but in the end, I missed all the red flags because I didn't see that I wasn't loving myself enough to see it wasn't real. This is huge, friends. It was a huge revelation to me, and it helped me get over the loss of some (what I thought were)very dear friends to me. I would have moved the sun and earth for them,but when I really needed them, I could see I wasn't as important to them. I needed God to show me that I was the one going wrong so that I could fix me. I now keep my boundaries safe and it is harder for me to make friends because I don't reach out as much (hard to get out when you're chronically ill anyway),but that's okay too. I always say I'm my own best friend and I enjoy my company very much. I'm delightful and I'm hilarious. LOL.

 At 50, I still have a very small circle of friends,but I feel loved finally for who I am, because I am able to be completely myself with them, and no matter how warty and imperfect I am with them, there is nothing I can do that would make them stop loving me. One of them has been with me since childhood. They have been with me through the deaths of my precious family members,my illnesses,and now I'm going to walk with one as she just lost her mother this past weekend. But this is how God has redeemed those lost relationships in my life. He helped me realize who I am, who I was trying to be, and brought me new people who appreciated the love I freely give. I know what it feels like to be given up on, and I know what it feels like to be appreciated.

I'm a bit regretful that it took me all these years to figure things out, but I guess I've always been a late bloomer and people tell me I look young all the time, so why not "50" to start over, right? For now, I am planning to enjoy the fun my 50's will bring. Maybe weddings? Grandchildren? Trips? A move? Weight gain from menopause? A cure for IC? Another dog? A published book?? OOH!! The possibilities have me very excited to start this next decade. What I won't be doing is giving up on me, selling myself short, spending time being negative,or wasting time being anything less than what I was made to be!

Blessings to you and yours! 

A Day in the Life with an Elephant

I've heard and used the phrase often, "the elephant in the room". When there is a heavy topic no one is talking about, but it is there, weighing heavily, as present as the hand in front of your own face! No one wants to bring it up, but its presence can't be escaped from, and dodging an elephant in a small room is not only impossible, but probably smelly as well.

That's how I feel about my chronic conditions! Not only an elephant in the room, but a monkey on my back! Sometimes a bird in my hair and a whole zoo up in my business! It's unavoidable. A fairly private person, I don't like to draw attention to what is necessarily going on over here in Jamitown, it is a difficult task to try to live a "quiet, normal life" when carrying around the elephant of chronic illness right there on your back. Today I just want to share what it's like to feel the burden of that elephant. At least a smidgen of that elephant. Maybe just a tusk.

It's not like wearing a cast on your arm or leg or a bandage on your head, which garners attention, but then quickly fades. It's a constant presence in my life which dictates from every aspect-what I can eat, what I can drink, where I can go, how long I can sit, is it a long drive, how far are the bathrooms from my seat, are the seats comfortable, will there be items I can eat or do I need to sneak in my own food, will I dehydrate because I'm trying not to drink so I'm not in the bathroom every few minutes-disrupting everyone around me, will I have pain and have to leave suddenly,will there be flashing lights that could cause a seizure episode,how much walking is involved, are there close places to park,will I be able to take all my medications on time,and on and on.

It's beyond difficult to be "incognito" with an illness that robs you of your privacy and freedom. This creates a life where I often opt to stay home, avoiding many social situations where my illness may cause attention, or will make me more uncomfortable, and neither is worth it, to be honest. And in all of that is the whole "letting others down" element. Being a wife and a mom is at the top of my list, and they have had to rotate around me several times because I am not able to go, stay, participate, or conform. Letting people down is beyond awful for me.

I am a person who dislikes telling people I can't eat or drink this or that. I've always been very polite about being flexible when going to someone's home, but now my condition warrants very strict dietary needs. I no longer have the freedom to go to someone's home for dinner or even coffee and snacks unless they understand just how bland and boring my dietary restrictions are and don't mind meeting them. But see, I don't like having to make people bend these ridiculous but necessary standards, so I just don't offer or put myself in situations where  socializing can happen. I'm tired of my condition ruling my life, but I don't have a choice. Going to receptions or other parties can be a nightmare, just like public restrooms, and I'll spare you those details. Let's just say I'm always happy to be home, where yoga pants and my own restroom awaits.

How all of these thoughts came together was the fact that I can no longer be as selfless as I want to be in my giving. I no longer have the freedom to drop everything and go help someone unload a truckload of something. My body cannot handle the strain of carrying weight, or putting pressure on my core area any longer. Standing for too long, raking, working outside in general, even my own housekeeping is a huge challenge. I work in 5 minute increments and I do many things from my stool. On a "good" day, I work longer on my feet, but pay for it the next.

The problem is, on the outside, I look completely fine. I look capable. Some even think I look "fit". To this, I laugh inside, as I am no longer able to complete my fitness goals. No biking, no walking longer than my driveway, no cardio, nothing that jostles the bladder. Stretching and arm weights. That's about it. It's not easy to complete a fitness goal with those restrictions. I had fitness goals, people! Just like some of you! It's not easy to clean a house. it's not easy to do a lot of things, but not being able to help others, and constantly having to talk about my condition, giving it all the attention has been the worst. You think you're tired of hearing about it? Guess who's tired of talking about it?

I don't want this to be my constant companion, but when my well-being depends on every aspect of my life being as healthy as possible, I have no choice. I have to be constantly aware of everything I'm doing, eating, and drinking, and every choice I'm making. These past few years of adapting to this new life and grieving my old carefree life has taught me that I took those years for granted. Think about what you are taking for granted today. The things you don't do that you can, and the things you're doing that you should not. And I don't say that to be preachy and all finger-pointy (yes, it's a word now), but maybe you're doing things that are adverse to your health and it will catch up at some point. Or maybe not, I've seen that too! I should have heeded the warning of the wise old woman who told me in the 80's to stay out of the tanning beds. I went in the 80's, and I regret every minute!

I don't know why this condition happened to me. I wish I could blame something, but I did not bring this on myself through any bad life habits or choices. This just happened one day out of the blue, the same way my seizure disorder started. And now I'm being told I may also have a third condition, but I'm not speaking it into existence at this time. People with IC (Interstitial Cystitis) often have more than one other auto-immune disorder and no one knows how to link them together.

My life is lived for survival at the moment, though I've struggled to not feel selfish, as I can't help people, like my own mother, who has been struggling for the last two years. She has had to hire a lot of help. All of those thoughts have done nothing but add to the stress, which exacerbates this condition! I want to shut myself off and forget I have this. I want to eat what I want like regular people. I want to be able to use my body the way God intended. And I'm really tired of Pelvic floor therapy. It's brutal. It's a trip to hell and back! It's invasive, it's intrusive, it's an invasion, and it's painful. And who doesn't hate that pain scale? You want a number this week? Okay. 7,6,3,8...it hurts every day! I'm used to pain now. It doesn't get a number! Sure, I joke throughout the procedure and my therapist is wonderful, but it's not funny. Not one minute of it is funny.

And all of it is invisible. Even on my face. My smiling face. My happy, funny Facebook posts. It's lonely. Because no one gets it. It's scary. It's never-ending. It's consuming. It's life-changing. And yet, it's bigger than the elephant in the room. It's meticulously hidden, and yet constantly forced out for all to see. Just ask me out for coffee. Or for a walk. Or to a movie. Or to help you rake. Or join a Zumba class. Or come for dinner. Have a conversation about chocolate even. Or any "normal" thing you'd ask a friend. And the answer will be....I'm sorry, no. I hate those reminders. Some days I wake up in a good mood, and then I remember this challenge, and I think, Oh crap, I forgot I have IC.

And yes, I appreciate my life, and I have joy. But I also need this. A letting go of how this affects my giving and my soul. It can become a penetrating idol, a soul-sucking mind trap. I can't describe it any better. If you've ever been in pain every single day for a year, you would know it is very hard to forget it for a day. It is very difficult to be joyful in those circumstances as we are told to be. And yet, as I share my experience, I also share this verse, because I know who walks this with me daily:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time"

1 Peter 5:6

Be kind and gentle in other people's lives always. Don't think you know what a person is going through. And if you're curious, ask them! People with chronic and long-term illness are not complaining. Our lives have been forever altered. It's not a temporary thing! You have no idea what kind of elephants that person is carrying, even if it looks like their life is all rainbows and sunshine on the outside. (and I've been told mine does. Don't be fooled by Facebook, friends) And always be thankful if you don't have elephants or if yours are lighter right now. Life can change in just one day.
Blessings.

 

You Know Me, Daughter

Some of you opened my last blog post and read it, possibly wondering why I would share such negativity. But I really hope you got more out of it than that. In reading later comments, I was relieved that you did! When I share the ups and downs of chronic illness and all the surprises it brings, I do it for a purpose. When I talk about this roller coaster, it exposes the humanness of what it means to be in the flesh, and also to believe in God. It reveals what it is like to have faith, but also be building deeper faith through trials at the same time. It is about perseverance and the times he human body and human spirit sometimes go to battle for who's in charge. Spoiler alert: neither one is in charge! It's a real tug-of-war when I find myself losing my peace. True peace only comes from trusting God, and yes, I know this, I pray this, I encourage this in others, and yet, the battle sometimes comes. You ask, "If you know that, how can you ever let go of that? Your faith must not be that strong." Well, welcome to this real Christian, still fighting her own battles sometimes, still learning how to let go. I no longer apologize for not being where others are in their faith. I can only be where I am, and where God wants me to be is where I will go.

I believe God is using me for a reason, which is why my healing hasn't come just yet! (See, I told you I'd get back to that whole healing thing eventually) Even in the midst of turmoil, I still know God is using everything I'm going through for a purpose. It's hard to explain when the emotions are high, but strangely, I feel a calming in my spirit no matter what may be going on in my body. This is my message. This is my peace, though the outward self is hurting, my inner self still feels everything will be okay. This is God at work in me.  I feel it is important to share some of the challenging emotions  I experience sometimes, because I want to connect with people. I know I'm not alone, but more importantly, I want others to know they are not alone. We are all connected somehow, sometimes through joy and sometimes through pain. Sharing our stories is how we forge bonds and become a family for others in which to relate. I am part of several online support groups for my condition. I don't need to post or interact much, but just knowing there are others in my situation makes me feel less alone. Misery loves company? Yes, it does. Misery needs and deserves company. Their very existence depends upon this in some cases.

The people I share my most wrenching thoughts with know my heart. They know even when I say something the context in which to hear it, because they trust and know me. I believe that is how God hears us too. He hears me when I'm frustrated and hurt and seemingly at the end of my rope, and He whispers, "daughter, you know me and you trust me", and my spirit calms immediately. This is what it's like to spiritually connect with God and with people. I am fortunate to hear from God and to hear from a couple of people who try hard to understand and minister to me. It really does matter that we care about people. Broken people and well people alike. Not just people you like and go to church with, but people who need what you have and claim you want to give to others.

God is in control of this, and there is a purpose for this pain. Those are two things I say regularly about my life. You won't hear me ever sugarcoat anything for anyone's benefit! I say that with a big sassy smile. God's hand is on me. I know this, because it hasn't gotten any easier. But what it has shown me is that I have become stronger than I ever thought I could be. I've been able to let go of things and people that I didn't think I could live without and I'm okay! I know what is important in life now and I don't take things for granted. I appreciate any moment I am pain-free. I am hyper aware of my blessings. I appreciate people who care about me so much more and I tell them so. On the flip side, it is easier for me to tell people I don't need any more stress from them and to please go quietly. Either stay in my life all the way or go out all the way! There's that sass again. And when that quiet calming comes in the midst of my storm, I hear the words I need to hear most of all. Even when it seems like I am not listening, even when the words coming out of my mouth don't seem to make sense to the humans around me.... 

"Rest in Me. Pray continually. Trust and see that I am good. Let Me direct your steps.Let Me carry your load. Put your hope in Me.Fix your eyes on Me. You know Me, daughter.Keep My peace."

Blessings and thanks for reading.

Blessings by Airmail

I was pretty discouraged one weekend as my husband and I were out doing some errands. I'm not quite sure what started the whole downturn of my thoughts, but one thought led to another and soon I was saying that thing I hate to say. I don't like to really admit the truth of what I feel to the average audience, to be honest, because some of you can be pretty judgmental. Those of you who haven't walked in another's shoes, in particular. Those of you who can't stop thinking of yourself for one moment in order to think of what another person might be going through. Those of you who aren't really all that kind, though some of you think you are. "You" may not be one of my readers, but maybe you are. I have some pretty harsh critics where  it may surprise you, and maybe you do too. It's tough enough to struggle in this world, isn't it? And then the people who are supposed to hold you up are either absent or pushing you down, or making fun of or light of your very painful, serious situation.

Those are just some of the things that were adding to my pain that day. And so I took the bait, convinced my life was nothing but a failure. My future was bleak, and my joy was being stolen from me everywhere I turned.  People were turning on me left and right, it was just one thing after another, and I did say it again. This is what happens when I lose my hope, and I'm telling you, this is worse than any physical pain I go through. I feel like God has deserted me over and over. I wonder why I have any faith at all. I ask Him why on earth do I bother doing anything right if all He does is take everything good from me? Yep, it gets THAT low and lower. I don't want to and I can't do this anymore. My life is simply surviving. Where is my joy?

And my husband just listens. Hands tight on the wheel as I say that thing he hates to hear, because I know he fears one day I will mean it all. He reminds me that God won't give up on me and neither will he.  People say I'm strong, I'm a warrior, but you don't get to be any of those things without being beaten down a few times first, believe me. You don't get strong by simply withstanding a two year pain-filled, infection-ridden flare, peppered with migraines, more "try this" , "try that", and failures upon failures almost daily at times. There are some not-so-pretty days in between the making of a so-called "warrior". There is a lot of quitting and restarting. Falling and getting back up. Anyone who tells you any different has it too easy or has been told not to be emotional about life. I'm still in the grieving process of wanting my old life back. Every now and then I really miss the old me. I think it's okay to feel that, but I still want to be at peace with the new me too. Find me a warrior who doesn't have a sketchy or sad story within them. Find me a superhero who doesn't miss his face without the mask. Go ahead.

Now, to back up a few days,I happened to be scrolling through my blog to see if comments had been posted because they stopped posting to my email account. In doing so, I discovered at the beginning of June, my blog friend Norm, had posted that he had published a book with some of my comments in the book. He wanted to send me a copy of his book! I was thrilled, as I enjoy and respect his writing, so what an honor to be included! I felt terrible that I didn't check this sooner! The day before we left to go up north for the fourth of July, the book arrived. AIR MAIL. That's how fast it arrived from our friendly neighbor, Canada. He sent it Air Mail! How did he know how much I needed this book?  I opened it up, and quickly turned to read the back of the book. That's when my attitude changed. That's when I remembered just how God speaks to us and uses other people. I barely got through reading the back out loud to my family, who was sitting in the living room when I opened it.

This is the description of the book:
"we can wrongly believe God has abandoned us to the cruelties of life and that our Heavenly Father no longer hears us when we pray. This may cause us to feel like our world has turned upside down and we are walking on the ceiling, because every aspect of life feels like a drudgery and there is no end to it.This is so far from the truth because God does love us so much.However, when we are in the middle of this heart-wrenching existence, it takes the Holy Spirit to penetrate our heart and mind in order to break through and reach deep within us so we can be healed of the deception we have come to believe is our lot in life.
This book will help individuals make the hard changes it will take to overcome the lie that God has left us for dead. On the contrary,everything God does is to give us life and draw us closer to Himself,but we have to want it."

I do want it. I just forget I need it too. I read my own quoted parts in the book and remembered the determined girl who wrote those words. I saw the artwork from Norm's brother, that he so graciously shared with me, and I remembered the story behind it, and how it had inspired me to reach out to my own wayward brother. God gives us life, but he also gives us encouragement through some amazing people. Strangers at that! I thank God for that timely arrival of Norm's book and his truth and wisdom within it,  for it rekindled my fighting spirit, and stopped the taking of the nasty bait I almost swallowed as truth.

I know something about warriors and fighters. Someone or something is always trying to take them down. It's usually because there is something powerful within them that the enemy doesn't want them to share. This warrior will remember her gift from now on. Apparently there is something in me that needs to continue and  be developed further. I have asked Him to help me trust Him more even as things look bleak and don't go the way I want them to. I have asked for peace most of all to just be able to accept that my life isn't going to be all I thought it would be, and to be okay with the abilities and people I have left. I just reread what I wrote and I do find it odd that I didn't ask to be healed....I think I'm going to leave that statement right there. That's very interesting and revealing. More on that later. Blessings to you and thanks for reading.

HOPEful

This may sound cheesy to you, but I chose a "word" at the beginning of the year that would inspire and help me stay focused on my healing. I don't usually enter into this kind of thinking, because it reminds me of all that "centered" and "mindful" and "find me" type stuff that just does not fit me. I am somewhat impulsive, anxious, silly,and I don't give much thought to finding myself, because honestly I don't know what I'd do with me once I found me. Probably give me a nap. Everyone needs that. With all the ups and downs I experience sometimes on a daily basis, I needed something to keep me focused not on my circumstances, but on the goal. And the goal is to stay hopeful. I don't always feel positive, but I can be hopeful. There is a difference, at least to me.

Anyway, I chose a word, and that word is HOPE. It is a special word to me because it is also my second daughter's middle name. We chose it because we had such a hard time conceiving our first child, and we just relied on hope that it would happen a second time. It did, and so to follow with our first born's middle name of Faith, we chose Hope for our second. Would "Love" have been the middle name of our third child had we had one? Hmmm...interesting choice for a boy, I think! Let's all be glad the world didn't have to find out.

Hope is a word full of possibility. It says, "It can happen". It says, "Hold on a little longer." It says, "The sun will rise again tomorrow." It says, "Even if it's not okay, I'll be okay." It's the word I lean on when I start to feel like I just want to give up. It's how I need to be even when everything is going wrong and it's all looking bleak! I have to say, "...but there's still hope." Because I don't give up that easily! Hence, that little girl with that cool middle name!

But of course, Hope is not just a word. Hope is a gift. It is a promise! One of my favorite verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11 says it best: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future." I just love that promise. I just lean into that some days. Those days where I am in pain. Those days where the doctor says, "I've done all I can do." The day my physical therapist said, "I can't fit you in until July!"- after the therapy just started working... the day I found out there is a carcinogen in the natural supplement I'm taking. The one that replaced the terrible medication I was on, and now my symptoms are worse again! Yes, even when things are still going wrong and sometimes you wonder, "can it really get any worse?" Yes, it can and it does!

However, I refuse to give in to how my circumstances appear anymore. It is such a roller coaster to go up and down with the good and the bad and honestly, it is just exhausting, and nothing ever really changes! So why not just stay constant, and let everything else change? That's what I'm trying to do, and that is how hope allows me to think and breathe. Because even after all that has happened, the losses, the illnesses, all that has been taken from me, I still believe that good can and will come. Maybe not from all of this, but in spite of it, and I'm not always looking for the purpose of all of it anymore. Now I'm just searching for the new perspective I can see when I focus on the new sunrise, the new day, and the fact that He has plans for me. Good plans. I have to remind myself that God has no desire to harm me. He wants me to prosper! Yes, even with all of THIS! When I look around and see what He has done with others in worse situations than mine, I see where hope has carried them through, and it will see me through too.

 I may have had to give up walking, biking, tennis, and all things cardio, but I've found myself stirring up a little something inside and trying to find ways to get strong and stay active around my limitations. I am a bit of an anxious person, so I could really use a good long walk now and then. This has been a really hard life change for me. I've got major diet limitations too, but I've found ways around that too! I've joined support groups for my illness and I've talked to suicidal women, depressed women, and women who inspire me. I've heard and seen the whole spectrum of what this illness can be, and it is very frightening. This is when the word HOPE has to scream at me and say, HOLD ON to me a little tighter. I get stronger every time I hold on longer. I've become a different person. A stronger person, but gentler in many ways too. But the most important thing I've become is more hopeful.

I should say that this post was going to be about something else entirely. But like my life, my writing is very unpredictable too. I have had a busy week with a very sick teenager, and I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, so I am exhausted! So tonight, I am HOPING for rest and no pain, and for a productive day tomorrow. See how that works? I don't expect you to be like me, and I don't claim to have this whole life thing figured out. I hope we're all in this together, figuring it all out and helping each other! If you're not feeling hopeful, pray and ask God to help you and take a look at the verse I shared above.

Pink Thinking and Just Be Present

It's not an uncommon or unusual habit or practice to want to immediately cheer up a sad person. If I see someone with a frown,of course I want to make them smile again,and it's not ill-intended to want to do that at all. Think about this from a suffering person's perspective, though. Is that really what you want or need from a person or do you just simply need them to make you feel less alone?

"Pink thinking,"as defined by Kenneth Haugk in the book I'm still talking about, Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart, is "optimism run amok". It "denies the reality of an individual's suffering and glosses over the hurting person's pain. A "pink thinker" often urges others to "think positive",regardless of the situation.

There's nothing wrong with the concept of "think positive" in some situations. But when you tell a hurting person to "think positive", well, you may as well tell them to "get over it" as well. Why? Because the participants in this study said just that. Here are some ways pink thinking can sabotage your efforts to help a hurting person:

"Cheering People Up": People described this as being made to feel that they needed to hurry up, feel something other than what they are feeling, and get over it. They weren't sure the person speaking to them was really interested in the situation at all or just the speed in which they were healing. Others felt it was difficult to be told to look on the bright side, because frankly, some situations don't have one. True encouragement comes from knowing you're not alone in your suffering, and when friends come and sit with you in your suffering, that becomes evidence of care. The Bible is full of suffering individuals, and people don't need to feel that Christians aren't "allowed" to suffer or "shouldn't" suffer. What a burden to place on someone when they are already so burdened. Cheering up also tends to be something that people to do make themselves feel better about the situation, not necessarily the sufferer. The best way to handle a suffering person is to be authentic. Don't try to cheer them up for your sake or theirs. I don't think this means you can't "accidentally" cheer someone up. I mean come on,some people are just so pleasant it just happens. I think it means not to be intentional and fake about this.

"Glossing Over": All suffering people have one thing in common. They need acknowledgment that their pain is real and significant. When someone trivializes it or brushes it off as if it's no big deal, that is pretty insensitive! This kind of goes with the "words that hurt" post from last time, in that people say a lot of hurtful things to "gloss over" a hurtful situation, like "There are people worse off than you", "Same thing happened to me-it wasn't that bad", etc.. I think it's helpful to remember again that we don't get to label other people's pain or situations. it's not our job. Just don't assume anything, that's usually a good path to follow too.

"Denial": The unwillingness to acknowledge and accept the reality that the suffering person is recognizing and sharing. The example in the book tells of a visit with a friend who was dying from cancer. The friend was in hospice care at home. The dying friend looked around and said,"I'm going to miss all of you". One in the group shot back, "We're still hoping for a miracle." How the author described this part was that it took from the one trying to say goodbye and  it clearly exposed the discomfort of the one still hopeful, but I'm not sure I agreed with the author on this one. Is that really denial, or is it faith in a miracle? I don't know. I think you can respect a person's wishes while still hopeful in a last minute miracle, but maybe I too, am in denial. Having watched a loved one die of cancer,I never stopped hoping and praying for a last minute save, even while respecting them in their need to say goodbye. That's just me.

"Tough Encouragement": The research done with the participants in the study from this book show that hurting people actually do not appreciate being told they are "strong". Sometimes they need permission to be weak, not forced to be strong. I completely get this! So many people who know what I go through personally with my illness tell me how strong I am. But what makes me feel strong is the person who says, "you know, it's okay to fall apart sometimes. It's okay to feel weak. It's okay to want to give up sometimes. It's okay to not be able to handle everything!" I can tell you that is more encouraging to me than being told "be strong, or "you're strong", or any other "strong" statement that comes my way. People who suffer just need to know it's okay to not be strong all the time, and it's okay to feel scared, because scared is something that says it's okay to require the help of others, not "strong". But I also understand why people say it, why I've said it, and why it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to say. I think it's good to admire another person's strength and tell them so. Just let them know it's okay to not have to be strong all the time too, I suppose.

"Unbridled Celebrating": Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice;mourn with those who mourn." A suffering person may initiate a celebration after a small victory, which to them could be smiling, going back to church, going for a walk alone, making it to a store alone,etc.. But celebrations pushed on them feel very hollow, because they are often in the depths of despair. I remember my mom asking me "how can you decorate a Christmas tree when Jeffy's gone?" Because my mom had lost her son. Her precious son, and she was in the depths of despair at Christmas time. I had my kids and my husband to distract me and keep me from falling apart. But a mother losing a child is a suffering I know nothing about. I could only imagine why putting up a Christmas tree wouldn't matter to her at that point. She didn't feel like celebrating anything for a really long time and we understood.

I think it's important to mention again, that these topics were based on participant responses and personal experiences by the author and friends. As with any person, every suffering or grief experience is unique. I think this book is a great tool for a guideline,and a way to bring awareness to a topic no one talks about in the grocery store line or really anywhere. I don't think compassion is natural for everyone and I think more people(myself included!) put their feet in their mouths and don't even know it! It's a great little book that just instructs people to let suffering people "be", but don't let them "be alone". As a friend mentioned to me recently, she was left to grieve a loved one alone. No one should ever feel alone when someone they love leaves this earth. I felt like that when my brother died too.

People grow best when cared for and nurtured,and it's how we heal best too. If we say hurting people hurt people, then can we also say a healed person helps heal another? I think that's what we should shoot for. I'm not the expert, as I always say, and I don't profess to be wise in my own eyes. But I do know what God wants us to do. Love one another. Take care of others. And as my friend said, be present when people need us. Just be present.

Words That Hurt, Not Heal

I dreaded this chapter,because I knew I'd find out some of the mistakes I've made or am currently making, not just the wrong things I've had said to me or heard other people say. Yikes! Of course, no one is perfect and most people mean well,but we all want to know better so we can do better next time. Right? I sure hope so.

Maybe no one has corrected us yet,but a good indicator of a misspoken phrase is a return of silence, if you're lucky. A good communicator might blast you, therefore setting you straight, and also teaching you something maybe you didn't know about that particular person or situation. Either way, lesson learned. I know what you may be thinking. What about grace?? Well, that comes later. Pain just has to make its way through first before grace makes its worthy appearance.
This chapter outlines what the author thinks are seven major statements to avoid speaking to a hurting person at all costs. At all costs. Wow. These statements were all based on a research study with participants who had experienced suffering of some kind. As I'm reading through them, I'm thinking to myself, I'm sure I've said this or at least thought this... I hope I didn't say this. Well, I'm quite sure I have said and done at least some of them. I'm also pretty sure some of them have been said to me as well.

* "I Know How You Feel"... Nope. Actually you don't. No one does. Everyone is entitled to feel their own personal feelings about whatever they are going through at that time, whether you've done it a million times or not. And when you claim to know how they feel, it not only adds your pain to theirs, but it takes the focus off the pain they are feeling and puts it on you. If the time is appropriate, you know the person well and the conversation is leading in a way that sharing becomes okay, it is then okay to say it like this, "I've been in a SIMILAR situation, and I remember at that time feeling___________." Then read the cues. Know when it's ok to keep talking and know when to be quiet and let them share.

*It's for the best, "He's at peace now, "well, you know she's in a better place", "It's good she's not suffering anymore", "she's with Jesus now", "He's better off", "It's a blessing". Soooo, what could possibly be wrong with all of those? If you're a Christian, you know all of those are probably true. It's easy to think these things from an onlooker's point of view, but it may not be the caregiver's point of view just yet. Think about someone who has just lost a child. A spouse. Gotten a really grim diagnosis. You have to be careful making a statement that the caregiver or loved one may not have arrived at just yet. Don't make the decision about a loved one's death until the loved one has decided how they feel about it. I would also like to add that unless you have lost a loved one such as the one you are speaking into, you may just want to tread very carefully. Until you've gone through it, you haven't felt it at all. Just be sensitive to what the other person may be feeling or going through. It's up to them how they decide to process it, not us.

* "Keep a Stiff Upper Lip" or "Be Strong"...ugh. An example in the book tells of a man whose wife was dying, and he was told, "I have a friend who is in situation similar to yours, and he is at peace with that situation." Here's the message within the message: "Why can't you respond to your situation the way my friend responds to his situation?" He may as well have said, "You're handling your suffering all wrong. Let me tell you how to do it" or "You are weak". So many people are "experts" on grief! Get over it, move on, why are you this way or that way, but I can tell you from observance that they are NOT the ones actually helping. They are the ones contributing to pain. Do you know what heals people? Allowing them space and saying, "I don't know how much time this will take for you. All I know is I will be here for you for whatever you need to do to heal." Such healing words. Balm to a hurting soul. Again, be careful telling people what they "should do" if you in fact have not walked that path just yet, and even if you have, what worked for you might not work for them. Pain wears differently on everyone. Healing takes a different amount of time and technique for everyone. Respect that.

*"At Least"... Well, at least you had xx amount of time with your loved one. I only had xx with mine. Could you minimize a person's pain any less? So you're saying a person's pain is not as bad as it could be, because...why?? If the hurting person says "at least I had xx years with that person..." Then by all means, acknowledge that. But don't be the dinglefritz trying to prove somehow that their pain should be less because someone else suffered more. Like the book says, it's ok to think it. It's not ok to say it. Yes, some situations are such that "at least they got 20 years with their child, or 45 years of marriage, etc...", but remember YOU are the onlooker, not the sufferer. Very different perspective.There is no comparison of grief just like there should be no comparison of joy. It's not a competition about whose heart is more broken. Yet, sometimes I wonder. I suffer with a chronic illness that has completely changed my life. All my activities are affected, my family is affected, my diet,my future,every aspect of my life, and yet people feel the need to tell me an "at least" statement. Why? Well, at least I'm not dying. Again, that may be true and wonderful, but let me say it. Don't diminish the trial I am going through. "Just because" I don't have it worse than I do does not negate the pain and trials I am currently facing. Just like taking chicken soup to a friend with a cold, be as kind as you can be to anyone in pain and fight your temptation to tell them how much worse it could be for them. That isn't helpful or kind.

*"You Should/Shouldn't"...This is so good. You know what? You may be right telling your ,grieving/newly divorced/chronically ill friend that they ought to spend more time doing this or that...they ought to this or that...BUT here's what happens when you "should or shouldn't" someone even when you're right or well-intended. It shuts them down and good. They stop communicating. They withdraw and retreat after constantly being told what they should be doing instead of being supported for what they are trying to do.  Why do we always think we know what's best for someone else when we're not even really listening to what they need? Let's get better with this. If someone seems like they are struggling more than what seems healthy to you, get closer to the situation and find out how you can help. Don't add to the hurt by criticizing the slow progress they are actually making. Don't be afraid to get in someone's face and say, "Hey, you haven't left the house in awhile. I'm worried about you. How can I help? Let's have a real conversation. I'm all ears. I'm here as long as you need to talk." But people are afraid of real conversations it seems. It's that whole "I've got to judge this first..." I need to "fix" someone! Wait. Yeah. That's not going to help. You're worried about enabling them? Don't worry, none of us is Dr. Phil. Pray for them!  I feel very isolated with my illness at times, and the best thing a friend has done for me is simply ask me what my food restrictions were and more details of my condition because she was interested. That sure beats being left out of activities! And contrary to popular belief, "getting out more" does not cure depression! (winky face) Kindness is amazing medicine to anyone's hurting soul. Pure love and kindness.

The last two are Christian platitudes that are commonly spoken and sometimes debated.
* "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle"...Ok. First of all, contrary to some popular belief, this is NOT Scripture. It gets confused with 1Corinthians 10:13, which is about God giving us a way out of temptation, not at all about bearing up under pain and suffering. It does not say that God gives us pain and suffering, so why add to the burden of a suffering person by saying someone is in good hands because God is the one causing the suffering? 88% of people researched reacted negatively when presented this statement. Um, yeah. I react negatively to it as well! I personally dislike this statement, quote, and do not use it anywhere! Moving on...

* "It's God's Will...Before I get into this, I will say that 93% of people researched about the use of this statement, reacted strongly and negatively. While God's will is a mystery, some people think they actually know! And here's the biggest point. Whoever is saying this is not usually the one going through the painful situation. You might think you know God's perspective on the situation, but none of us can know! People don't need platitudes or even Scripture when they're standing on a ledge. They need a hand. Why do some people say this? Again, some people need to come up with a reason for everything so they can somehow get people to stop hurting or to somehow understand a situation. We don't know God's plan or purpose for what happens. We just know it's up to us to help that person. And that just takes our presence and our love. Not our platitudes. If they begin to use their situation for God's purpose and glory, then we all get to see the power of God. No words need to be spoken. Just an "I'm so sorry you're going through this" is pretty effective. Don't try to figure out what God is trying to do.

So, how did you do? Did you find yourself in any of these statements? I know I did! With the amount of hurting and suffering people in this world, I know it's an area we all could use some improvement. Let's take better care of each other.  I have a lot of fear where loss is concerned. Most people don't know this about me, but funerals cause me quite a bit of anxiety! I know people don't "like" funerals, but I really dread them and can get quite worked up over them. The whole walking in to a room where someone is ill or a room full of mourners just sets my heart racing. One reason I have learned is that I really don't think I can offer anything to the situation. I have heard myself say, "well, there are a lot more important people to them than me. They don't need me there." It could be a fear of their sadness or a fear that I may make things worse with my own inadequacies. Add to that an unhealthy habit of emotion-stuffing! There is no amount of loss that has gotten me "over'' this, and maybe I never will overcome it. Will I ever be "comfortable" seeing people sad, saying goodbye to someone I love? Finding out someone I love has passsed? No. Every fiber in me will always try to run. That's just how my spirit is wired. But my spirit also wants to love and comfort, and that's why I'm here, trying to learn with you....

Next post: Pink Thinking: Getting over our own discomfort

Do You Validate?

I remember receiving a message from someone shortly after I lost my brother, and I was still in shock and despair, and I said something back like, "How could God do this??" My brother was a 50 year old father of 2 sons, 11 and 18, and died suddenly in the presence of his oldest son. Yes, I was hurting and I was angry too. That person sort of reprimanded me for my response, and I remember feeling something bad because of her correction, though I can't put my finger on what that feeling was at the time. Thankfully, I have forgotten who that person was as well. God protected me from that person, and from what I feel now was probably shame. God was okay with what I was feeling at that time. I've learned a lot since then. God can handle it all. People? Not so much.

In Chapter 6 of Don't Sing Songs to A Heavy Heart, "Cry, Feel Awful" gives the best advice to how to respond to a hurting person so that you can validate the feelings they are having. I talk a lot about grief, but the same advice applies to any kind of pain a person is facing. Whether it is a chronic illness, a terminal illness, a loss of a limb or other major life-changing health change to you or someone close to you, validating pain is crucial to helping a hurting person. It says to them that you are sharing the hurt, you believe them, and you empower them to make the decisions they need to make. Most importantly you help them to not feel alone.

I have a wonderful friend who has been by my side through everything I've gone through. In fact, I have more than one, but this one prays for me and checks on me frequently. She understood my need to question God when everything seemed to be falling apart at once! And why would anyone be surprised by this? Just a look at the Psalms should remind us that its been done time and time again by those desperate to understand God's ways,not to give up on Him. (Psalm 22) A Pastor explains it here: "Strongly questioning God isn't evidence of a lack of faith or even of the lack of a relationship with God. Rather, those who question God, especially those who question Him strongly, are by this very act showing that they trust God deeply enough to risk questioning him." 
Another part of this chapter jumped out at me: "The foundation of that kind of relationship is love. People don't rail at or question someone they don't care about. If someone is striking out at God, get out of the way and let the person have his or her say. Better yet, don't get out of the way. Walk with the person." 

My friend did just that. She got sad with me, angry with me. Questioned with me. Told me to write letters and burn them. Go yell in the woods. Shake my fist! Cry! Do what I needed to do. And what she did not do is judge me or leave me alone. She let me feel whatever I needed to feel in order to heal. And that's what a friend does when they care about your heart and your healing. It's not about their timeline. It's not about them getting to decide if you should still be feeling a certain way after a certain amount of time. It's not about them talking about you behind your back about how you're "dealing with everything". It's about them getting into the trenches with you and fighting the battle. I can tell you the trenches are small for a reason.

If you really love someone, you shouldn't want them to hurt. That seems pretty simple to me. Yet, the most hurtful things are said after someone dies sometimes, and it adds to the grieving process. And I say "process" lightly, because it is an "all over the place" kind of mess at times. Especially when dealing with the grief of others and your own at the same time. That's for another time.  I heard someone use the word "compounded grief", and that made perfect sense to me. This book addressed it in a slightly different way, but kind of the same concept. This can also apply to grief due to death or loss of lifestyle or terminal diagnosis, I would think. One thing that I hear (and it bugs me) is "wow, so and so is handling it so well..." I guess the point is....what now? So you're saying, I should handle it better? Before I go off topic about comparing grief and pain, I will stick to the list I found in this book about why some people have a harder time handling a crisis or a painful event.

"- whatever the pain or suffering is-will be influenced not only by how a person's life history shapes his or her perception of the pain, but also by the severity of the events leading to the suffering. Research respondents reported that the level of difficulty in handling a crisis or painful event increases if it:" 

*is life-shortening
*is of longer duration or permanent
*leads to no recovery or partial recovery
*involves great pain, physical or other
*produces multiple crises simultaneously
*requires significant lifestyle changes
*comes as a complete shock

I think a few could be added here as well....
*family conflicts
*regrets
*multiple family illnesses at the same time
*lack of support due to multiple family illness

So it would make sense then, that each person suffering is hurting in a way that is unique to them. Each factor that is added to that event only adds more suffering and more time to their healing. Adding to that could be a lack of resources-lack of family and friends for support, lack of pastoral support,financial issues, etc... But people don't tend to try to understand all of that. They just look at the person and say, "why aren't they "over" it yet ?? Or, "It could be worse!" (my personal favorite) Just an added note about that little gem. Yes, it can always be worse, but it can always be better too. And if it can be worse, please let me be the one to point it out, not you. Negating and downplaying a person's pain does not make it go away. Comparing pain with others does not stop it from hurting the person in pain. All of those things are dismissive. This book will cover that point over and over again. Our job is to listen and care, giving understanding without needing to know all the reasons why the person hurts the way they do. Most of the time, it's not our business to know anyway.

This friend I speak of was a godsend to me. Because of her, I don't go through anything alone. She may not always understand or have an answer, but I can count on her to say, "I'm praying for you." She gets it. She knows I just need someone to care. That's pretty simple stuff. It doesn't need to be complicated. She doesn't need to fix me or any of my broken parts, and she certainly doesn't blame me for my messy thoughts! And she can count on me for the very same.


Next post: Words that Hurt, Not Heal....

Don't Sing Me A Song When I'm Crying

We go to school from the time we are still having accidents in our pants, some of us anyway. Not me, just the kid that sat next to me. Anyway, we are in school for about 18 years and maybe longer if we choose, and how many classes did you have on how to relate to a suffering person? How many classes taught you how to handle losing someone you love? Did you even learn it at Sunday School or youth group? I can honestly say no to all of those. Of course some things are only learned in the class of Life Experience, but wouldn't it be nice to have a guide for some of these things?

Compassion for another human being is the way we relate to one another. When they hurt, we hurt too. When they need, we want to give. So why is it we so often get this wrong? Because we blunder through our own pain. We don't want to make a fool of ourselves. We get too close sometimes and we're afraid of making a mistake, saying the wrong thing. And a lot of us are afraid to feel another person's pain. Mainly because we're afraid of our own.

So, we get hyped up, a little too cheerful, and we start "singing songs" to a grieving person. This might be a really chipper greeting, an overly positive Christian saying or a big ole smile when you're in a puddle of tears. In other words, they're missing the mark with their reaction because they don't want you to feel the way you feel. They want you to get out of your pit. But that's not how it works. And it makes things so much worse.

I'm reading the book, "Don't Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart" -How to Relate to Those Who are Suffering by Kenneth C. Haugk, Ph.D, in an effort to not only become more sensitive to hurting people, but to become a more effective communicator of my own feelings. People can only help you if you are being honest about where you are in your heart. You can only help people if you are meeting them where they are, and not trying to put them where YOU think they should be.

I'll be sharing more about this book as I get into it more. But if this could be a class in a church, I think about the people this could help!! The pain it could ease on both sides. We are to be easing each others' burdens. Not adding to them.

Well, Hello Again. Hello.

Hello, whoever is left out there, and may still remember I was once a prolific writer here. My blog, formerly Mrs. Rogers' Neighborhood, is under construction with a new name and hopefully a new vibe. I started this blog in 2008 with 2 small children and a new home in the woods after living in the city most of my life. Now a woods-dweller with an empty nest, I have new stories to tell, a new life of my own under construction, and my life no longer revolves around practices, lunches, teacher conferences, coaches, and everything in between. It's a whole new world for me and so I needed a whole new blog look too. I hope someone is listening, but if not, as always, I can talk to myself awhile until someone catches on. :)