Do You Validate?

I remember receiving a message from someone shortly after I lost my brother, and I was still in shock and despair, and I said something back like, "How could God do this??" My brother was a 50 year old father of 2 sons, 11 and 18, and died suddenly in the presence of his oldest son. Yes, I was hurting and I was angry too. That person sort of reprimanded me for my response, and I remember feeling something bad because of her correction, though I can't put my finger on what that feeling was at the time. Thankfully, I have forgotten who that person was as well. God protected me from that person, and from what I feel now was probably shame. God was okay with what I was feeling at that time. I've learned a lot since then. God can handle it all. People? Not so much.

In Chapter 6 of Don't Sing Songs to A Heavy Heart, "Cry, Feel Awful" gives the best advice to how to respond to a hurting person so that you can validate the feelings they are having. I talk a lot about grief, but the same advice applies to any kind of pain a person is facing. Whether it is a chronic illness, a terminal illness, a loss of a limb or other major life-changing health change to you or someone close to you, validating pain is crucial to helping a hurting person. It says to them that you are sharing the hurt, you believe them, and you empower them to make the decisions they need to make. Most importantly you help them to not feel alone.

I have a wonderful friend who has been by my side through everything I've gone through. In fact, I have more than one, but this one prays for me and checks on me frequently. She understood my need to question God when everything seemed to be falling apart at once! And why would anyone be surprised by this? Just a look at the Psalms should remind us that its been done time and time again by those desperate to understand God's ways,not to give up on Him. (Psalm 22) A Pastor explains it here: "Strongly questioning God isn't evidence of a lack of faith or even of the lack of a relationship with God. Rather, those who question God, especially those who question Him strongly, are by this very act showing that they trust God deeply enough to risk questioning him." 
Another part of this chapter jumped out at me: "The foundation of that kind of relationship is love. People don't rail at or question someone they don't care about. If someone is striking out at God, get out of the way and let the person have his or her say. Better yet, don't get out of the way. Walk with the person." 

My friend did just that. She got sad with me, angry with me. Questioned with me. Told me to write letters and burn them. Go yell in the woods. Shake my fist! Cry! Do what I needed to do. And what she did not do is judge me or leave me alone. She let me feel whatever I needed to feel in order to heal. And that's what a friend does when they care about your heart and your healing. It's not about their timeline. It's not about them getting to decide if you should still be feeling a certain way after a certain amount of time. It's not about them talking about you behind your back about how you're "dealing with everything". It's about them getting into the trenches with you and fighting the battle. I can tell you the trenches are small for a reason.

If you really love someone, you shouldn't want them to hurt. That seems pretty simple to me. Yet, the most hurtful things are said after someone dies sometimes, and it adds to the grieving process. And I say "process" lightly, because it is an "all over the place" kind of mess at times. Especially when dealing with the grief of others and your own at the same time. That's for another time.  I heard someone use the word "compounded grief", and that made perfect sense to me. This book addressed it in a slightly different way, but kind of the same concept. This can also apply to grief due to death or loss of lifestyle or terminal diagnosis, I would think. One thing that I hear (and it bugs me) is "wow, so and so is handling it so well..." I guess the point is....what now? So you're saying, I should handle it better? Before I go off topic about comparing grief and pain, I will stick to the list I found in this book about why some people have a harder time handling a crisis or a painful event.

"- whatever the pain or suffering is-will be influenced not only by how a person's life history shapes his or her perception of the pain, but also by the severity of the events leading to the suffering. Research respondents reported that the level of difficulty in handling a crisis or painful event increases if it:" 

*is life-shortening
*is of longer duration or permanent
*leads to no recovery or partial recovery
*involves great pain, physical or other
*produces multiple crises simultaneously
*requires significant lifestyle changes
*comes as a complete shock

I think a few could be added here as well....
*family conflicts
*regrets
*multiple family illnesses at the same time
*lack of support due to multiple family illness

So it would make sense then, that each person suffering is hurting in a way that is unique to them. Each factor that is added to that event only adds more suffering and more time to their healing. Adding to that could be a lack of resources-lack of family and friends for support, lack of pastoral support,financial issues, etc... But people don't tend to try to understand all of that. They just look at the person and say, "why aren't they "over" it yet ?? Or, "It could be worse!" (my personal favorite) Just an added note about that little gem. Yes, it can always be worse, but it can always be better too. And if it can be worse, please let me be the one to point it out, not you. Negating and downplaying a person's pain does not make it go away. Comparing pain with others does not stop it from hurting the person in pain. All of those things are dismissive. This book will cover that point over and over again. Our job is to listen and care, giving understanding without needing to know all the reasons why the person hurts the way they do. Most of the time, it's not our business to know anyway.

This friend I speak of was a godsend to me. Because of her, I don't go through anything alone. She may not always understand or have an answer, but I can count on her to say, "I'm praying for you." She gets it. She knows I just need someone to care. That's pretty simple stuff. It doesn't need to be complicated. She doesn't need to fix me or any of my broken parts, and she certainly doesn't blame me for my messy thoughts! And she can count on me for the very same.


Next post: Words that Hurt, Not Heal....