HOPEful

This may sound cheesy to you, but I chose a "word" at the beginning of the year that would inspire and help me stay focused on my healing. I don't usually enter into this kind of thinking, because it reminds me of all that "centered" and "mindful" and "find me" type stuff that just does not fit me. I am somewhat impulsive, anxious, silly,and I don't give much thought to finding myself, because honestly I don't know what I'd do with me once I found me. Probably give me a nap. Everyone needs that. With all the ups and downs I experience sometimes on a daily basis, I needed something to keep me focused not on my circumstances, but on the goal. And the goal is to stay hopeful. I don't always feel positive, but I can be hopeful. There is a difference, at least to me.

Anyway, I chose a word, and that word is HOPE. It is a special word to me because it is also my second daughter's middle name. We chose it because we had such a hard time conceiving our first child, and we just relied on hope that it would happen a second time. It did, and so to follow with our first born's middle name of Faith, we chose Hope for our second. Would "Love" have been the middle name of our third child had we had one? Hmmm...interesting choice for a boy, I think! Let's all be glad the world didn't have to find out.

Hope is a word full of possibility. It says, "It can happen". It says, "Hold on a little longer." It says, "The sun will rise again tomorrow." It says, "Even if it's not okay, I'll be okay." It's the word I lean on when I start to feel like I just want to give up. It's how I need to be even when everything is going wrong and it's all looking bleak! I have to say, "...but there's still hope." Because I don't give up that easily! Hence, that little girl with that cool middle name!

But of course, Hope is not just a word. Hope is a gift. It is a promise! One of my favorite verses in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11 says it best: "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future." I just love that promise. I just lean into that some days. Those days where I am in pain. Those days where the doctor says, "I've done all I can do." The day my physical therapist said, "I can't fit you in until July!"- after the therapy just started working... the day I found out there is a carcinogen in the natural supplement I'm taking. The one that replaced the terrible medication I was on, and now my symptoms are worse again! Yes, even when things are still going wrong and sometimes you wonder, "can it really get any worse?" Yes, it can and it does!

However, I refuse to give in to how my circumstances appear anymore. It is such a roller coaster to go up and down with the good and the bad and honestly, it is just exhausting, and nothing ever really changes! So why not just stay constant, and let everything else change? That's what I'm trying to do, and that is how hope allows me to think and breathe. Because even after all that has happened, the losses, the illnesses, all that has been taken from me, I still believe that good can and will come. Maybe not from all of this, but in spite of it, and I'm not always looking for the purpose of all of it anymore. Now I'm just searching for the new perspective I can see when I focus on the new sunrise, the new day, and the fact that He has plans for me. Good plans. I have to remind myself that God has no desire to harm me. He wants me to prosper! Yes, even with all of THIS! When I look around and see what He has done with others in worse situations than mine, I see where hope has carried them through, and it will see me through too.

 I may have had to give up walking, biking, tennis, and all things cardio, but I've found myself stirring up a little something inside and trying to find ways to get strong and stay active around my limitations. I am a bit of an anxious person, so I could really use a good long walk now and then. This has been a really hard life change for me. I've got major diet limitations too, but I've found ways around that too! I've joined support groups for my illness and I've talked to suicidal women, depressed women, and women who inspire me. I've heard and seen the whole spectrum of what this illness can be, and it is very frightening. This is when the word HOPE has to scream at me and say, HOLD ON to me a little tighter. I get stronger every time I hold on longer. I've become a different person. A stronger person, but gentler in many ways too. But the most important thing I've become is more hopeful.

I should say that this post was going to be about something else entirely. But like my life, my writing is very unpredictable too. I have had a busy week with a very sick teenager, and I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, so I am exhausted! So tonight, I am HOPING for rest and no pain, and for a productive day tomorrow. See how that works? I don't expect you to be like me, and I don't claim to have this whole life thing figured out. I hope we're all in this together, figuring it all out and helping each other! If you're not feeling hopeful, pray and ask God to help you and take a look at the verse I shared above.