I Confess, Therefore I'll Heal

 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. 

James 5:16 

Confession is healing. I said that the other day to someone who is very very good at confession. To let others in on what is in our hearts and to be transparent about our transgressions is to be completely vulnerable and as some people describe, "raw". What separates us from Christ is our sin, but what draws us back to Him is our repentance- our confession and regret that we know what we did was wrong, and to turn away from that wrongdoing. And not all confession is about what we did "wrong", but maybe the wrong that was done to us and needs to be shared. What is shared in the light can be healed. What is hidden in the dark will stay hidden and will continue to hurt us. 

What can attract people to us is the willingness to be honest and real about our own vulnerabilities and transgressions. Oh, but it's not as clear-cut as I just made it sound!  I can remember many times in small groups or just a circle of women where some very heavy confessions were being shared among us. I was taken aback at first, because my family just didn't share like that. I never opened up to anyone like that! We kept all our family "laundry" and emotions very close to the vest and what was said at our dinner table stayed at the dinner table, so to speak. 

You just didn't tell people the kinds of things I was hearing, and I wondered how they could trust people not just to keep it to themselves, but to really trust them with their hearts and what was inside them. I was still learning how to trust God with my life, how on earth do you trust women you barely know with the contents of your fragile heart? It was something I just couldn't reconcile in my head. They could open up to me, but I couldn't share with them. It just didn't happen. I kept myself nice and quiet, tidy, buttoned up, and bottled up. Nothing to see here!

These  women had something I still lacked. They had complete trust in the women around them, even me. And as they shared their stories, I felt a place opening up in me I never knew existed. I suddenly realized it was possible for me to speak-if I wanted to, and someone would listen. These were women who knew what it meant to share burdens and how healing it was to open the wounds to others. They knew that telling their stories would lead to someone getting help, or growing in their faith.  I was still "back at the drugstore". (the reference I use when I'm completely lost and clearly out of my league)

These women weren't sharing in the town square. They were sharing in the safety of a God-loving group, hoping to heal themselves and the others who were witnessing there. They weren't worried about who was going to tell, although that is a no-no. They were there as witnesses for Christ. People who share their sins, their mistakes, their hurts, their major setbacks, and their weaknesses. People who allowed Christ to come in and heal them from all of it and set them free. 

 No one had ever shared such delicate openness with me before, though I can tell you with certainty that what was said in those groups many years ago will go to my grave with me. I look back at my old self and I wish I had been better prepared for those days, but I was who I was-an emotionally guarded, quiet, new-in-the-faith, highly anxious, very green and in-need-of-a-mentor woman back then. You know what you know when you know it, you know? And then you grow. And I took my time growing. 

I want to digress a bit and just say that throughout my childhood, as certain things were going on at home, I would come to school crying. In grades 4 and 5 (ages 10 and 11), I can remember trying to talk to my teachers about what I was upset about and neither was compassionate, understanding, or willing to listen. In fact, the fourth grade teacher was so angry at me for crying during class that she made me read an entire chapter while sobbing the entire time. After that, she separated me from the class in a desk facing the wall. While I've recovered from this memory and forgiven old Mrs. Bluehair for her lack of love and compassion, bordering on abuse, I do know that my "shut down" defense came directly from these types of adults in my life. 

What I've learned by now sharing my stories is that keeping them tightly wound inside only hurts me. A released tear feels so much better than the one you're trying to keep inside. You know that feeling in your chest and the ache in your throat when you're trying not to cry? I know it well, and I'm tired of it, friends. I have shared intimate details of my life with people and then they've proved themselves not to be worthy of that information. But I do hope that somewhere down the line that information helps them somehow and maybe God will use it for their good and their growth, like others lives were used for mine. Not everyone will appreciate or respect our stories in the moment they are told, but that's okay. It's not always about "us". But it is always about what God wants to do with us, and it's not always comfortable and easy, as we all well know. 

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Proverbs 28:13 

Today, I urge you to confess. Let it all out. Give it to God, tell it to someone you love or trust. Tell them what is on your heart, whether it's something that you've done and you need forgiveness, or it's something that was done to you and you need to forgive and let it go for good. I've been to many ladies' events where the speaker told an entire auditorium something I would hedge on saying in a room of two, but I found it so inspiring and freeing to be in the presence of such an honest and true confession. To understand that the story or the "secret" no longer has a hold on you and to know that you don't have to be ashamed or held hostage by the "things you did or do" or "what was done to you" or "your past" is to trust in a redeeming God who gives you mercy, forgiveness, and grace. In the end, what others think or judge just doesn't matter. 

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

You deserve to know that what you say and how you feel matters.  What happened to you is significant, no matter how big or small, and it is worth telling and someone will listen. Whatever you did or are currently doing is not too big for you and God to handle together. As I get closer to God and understanding how to trust Him even more with my life, I find myself telling Him more and more about me. It's funny because He already knows. But that is the cleansing part of confession-to reveal and completely clean your heart and mind and to leave it all on the floor-for Christ to fight the battle. 

I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins

Isaiah 43:25

Be blessed, friends, and know that you matter! You are loved. You are special, deserving of love, and you were created for a purpose!! Your words count, your feelings and thoughts are important, and your tears are collected in a bottle. There is nothing about you that God doesn't already know and love.