We are all Samsons

 Samson was born of a sterile and childless mother. Judges 13:3 The angel of the LORD appeared to her and said, "You are sterile and childless, but you are going to conceive and have a son. It's not the first time God brought about a miraculous birth to a previously childless couple. God had a specific purpose for Samson and gifted him with everything he would need to carry it out--godly parents, unusual physical strength, and the blessings and authority of the Lord. Samson was a Nazirite--a person who took a vow to be set aside for God's service for his entire lifetime. His purpose was to be a great leader for Israel against the Philistines. I used to think this was one of the craziest stories in the Bible as a child. His hair was his strength?? Well, his strength came from the Lord. His hair was a symbol of the power God gave him, and he was not to cut his hair out of obedience to God's command. Judges 13:5 No razor may be used on his head, because the boy is to be a Nazirite, set apart to God from birth, and he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines. Mom and Dad Samson definitely had a whoa moment when this happened. I can't even begin to imagine what I would think if I was visited by an angel of the Lord for any reason. 

Funny thing about Samson. As strong as he was physically, he was weak in his character. He had poor taste in women and he wasn't very wise with the strength God gave him. His choices and his pride would lead him to sin. When he chose to follow God, he would succeed. Funny thing about people, we are also like Samson. Even with the very presence of God, it didn't change the fact that Samson was still going to mess up.  

"Samson and Delilah" is recognizable in pop culture, as is Romeo and Juliet, due to the similar destructive themes of betrayal in love and passion. When people are deceived by lust, physical appearances, monetary promises, or any other fleshly desire, sin will be sure to follow. Delilah was deceived by rich and powerful men who wanted the truth about Samson's strength–enough that she would deceive Samson in order to get the information from him. Judges 16:5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver." He was entranced by her to the point that he could not see the "red flags" as we call them today, and set himself up for his eventual binding and blinding, which soon led to his death. We ask, how can anyone be that foolish? But if we're honest, all of us have been blinded by someone at least once in our lives, haven't we? 

What are people doing in relationships that could lead  to where Samson and Delilah ended up? They were both deceived, spiritually blind, and terribly impatient, among other things. It's important to decide ahead of time what kind of person we want to have beside us before  becoming swept away by the alluring traits of those who may lead us into destruction. It's important to decide ahead of time what kind of person WE want to be, before we head into a relationship. If not, we could get blinded by others very easily, just like Samson did. He lost touch with the difference between truth and reality at some point. His lover was asking him to tell her the secret of his strength so she could give it to his enemy, and he was so blind to her at that point, that he just said, "Sure, whatever!" and his goose was cooked. Judges 16:16-17 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. So he told her everything. "No razor has ever been used on my head," he said, "because I have been a Nazirite, set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man." She nagged and prodded and wore him down until he gave in. He had already become vulnerable to sin just from his own lack of good decisions. 

When we let things go or brush them off, it won't be long before we become blind to the manipulations of others. Samson was not going to be able to fulfill his purpose because he kept making shady and prideful choices. He was also with a person who held him back from living the life that God set apart for him.  When you or your partner is not able to fulfill their godly purpose or become the best of who they are meant to be, that is not the person for you. It is a choice to make good moral decisions and grow into a person of high character and integrity.  When we watch and observe the actions of others before we jump in headfirst, we can avoid a whole lot of bindings and blindings and spiritual death. Judges 16:21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding in the prison. 

Samson was so prideful, he kept taking credit for all the strength he had and using it for revenge and to show off instead of for what God purposed it for. Isn't this what can happen when we lose our focus on God and instead focus on ourselves? 

When I remember that Samson was born to parents of good godly character, it reminds me that although it was probably taught in his home,  it is still a personal choice to follow or not follow the Lord for your own life. I can't imagine how his parents felt, realizing that an actual angel of the Lord delivered the news of his birth, expecting such a great leader, and then having him mistreat the gift the Lord gave him. Oh wait... this happens all the time. It happens to godly parents, too, when they take their eyes off God's plan for their children and try to take it into their own hands. We are all Samsons, in that respect. 

Samson not only had the physical presence of God at his conception, but he had the anointing on him to do great things. So do we. Samson messed up. So do we. Samson eventually humbled himself and realized he couldn't do things in his own strength and needed God. God heard his prayer, redeemed him and gave him forgiveness. This is us as well. No matter how much we mess up, God is still listening to us and waiting for us to turn back and call out to Him. He will always be there. 

A Way With The Word

 It's hard not to talk sometimes, but talking too much–even about seemingly innocent things–can get us into trouble. I'm certain I'm not the only one who's been there, but I've put my foot in my mouth plenty of times. Proverbs 21:23 Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Why couldn't I have just stayed quiet?

Why would God want us to be quiet? It's not that He wants us to be quiet, but He wants us to be wise about what we share, how we share it, when, and even with whom we share. He wants us to talk to Him about it first. Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I have to laugh sometimes when I think about how quiet we all would be if we only said what God wanted us to say. The kind of silence that vibrates, right?

We are to ask God to check us and lead us into the things we say and do. We like to think we know the best way and the right way to do things or what is best for others, but the fact is, we can get in God's way more times than we think. When we don't stop and pray about what to say or do before we act, we run the risk of being divisive or harmful in a situation. Yes, sometimes even when sharing our faith. 1 Peter 3:15-16 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. In order to have this hope, we must be constantly building our faith (thank you for this reminder, Norm), and being gentle and respectful in our behavior and in our attitudes. 

When is the last time you wanted to take advice from someone who wasn't living out the faith they are telling YOU how to live? Our true faith lived out is our best example of a life changed by Christ. When I think back to some of the people who have shaped my faith, one of the things that stands out is how gracious and patient they were with me. They saw my imperfections and met them with grace. 

Grace is the face that 

love wears when it meets

imperfection

Joseph R. Cooke 

In the moment, sometimes we forget that God needs to deal with us on the things that trip us, before we think we are qualified to tell others how bad they are stumbling. Matthew 7:3-5 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. We are all hypocrites at some point or another, and probably every day, if we're being real about ourselves. I want to lose weight, but I also buy cookies! I want to have muscles, but I don't like to exercise! It's not just "people who go to church every Sunday yet still do blah blah blah," as I often hear. Going to church or being a Christian does not make anyone perfect or less prone to sinning. Going to church means something different for each person there, just like not going to church means something different for each person not there. It's best to not speculate on the reasons and actions of others. Life is hard enough for myself without having to keep others in check! Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Amen. Lord, help me to be kinder, gentler, and more receptive to what others need. I want to be more gracious and patient, like my mentor is with me, and the ones before me. Not only were they happier, but they were much more peaceful too! This is living in the spirit, and not of the flesh. Galatians 5:25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 

Learning to know what to say and how to say it comes with time, knowledge, and wisdom, and then there's no guarantee that we won't still say a wrong thing! James 3:2 We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. I respect hearing corrections or advice from people who have "put in their time", so to speak, and knowing that they are in the Word, learning and growing. I know that they have been praying about my situation and therefore will follow God's lead before they speak on it. There is a great deal of trust between people required before this type of relationship can exist. I know more now than I did before that it starts with me and my relationship with God and I didn't always recognize this. I thought I just had to know the Word and how to pray and believe, and all of that good stuff. But there was more God was showing me, and now I know this is where the Word, prayer, and belief leads. I want to be careful when I pray for others, that I am asking for God's will and listening for His voice when I am quiet. Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God;

When I truly began searching into the actual character of God, I began to unravel the character of myself, and I tore open some things that I had kept buried before. What I began to learn is that I was finally allowing the realization in that God knows me. That may not seem too deep for someone who already "gets it," but for a person who doesn't intimately know the Lord, it becomes new territory to realize that God knows us. It seems obvious since He created us, right? But that kind of went over my head. I was so busy reading Scripture and writing it down, that I didn't stop to think about this part of it. 

 Here's how it went: I started getting to know Him and his attributes, and because of that, I realized how much he already knew me. This is another side of the "relationship" part of "religion" that people talk about but don't really know how to explain well. It's because it's personal to us and God with elements only we can explain because they only apply to us personally. It's how we are designed. John 10:27-28 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells us something about God. It's when we finally receive it for ourselves that it sinks in. God has always been there, always will be, and is so patient with us. But He does want us to come to Him willingly. When we do, and we accept Him, a whole new relationship begins. Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. When we continue to pursue God, He will give us Himself. Let me also say that trying to define who God is is like trying to harness the sun with a butterfly net. I'm simply reading Scriptures and seeking what God did and what attributes that it revealed in Him. There is no way to fully know God, unless through His Son, Jesus. John 17:3 Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. But again, I'm getting a little off topic. I'm trying to keep these shorter! 

When I started into my studies, It was much more than reading the "thees and thous and heretos" that usually keep people from delving into the Bible. I started seeing how God led His people into and out of situations, and I saw how He had been leading me in and out of situations my whole life. I imagined myself into the same places as those people, as weird as that may sound, and I saw how He loves us and truly does put us in the best positions for our success. But like any parent would impart, we have a responsibility in our own success too. It's not a bunch of rules and regulations we have to follow–it's a heart we have to have for things that we know are good for our well-being, and making choices that don't always make sense, but will be the best outcome for who God is making us into. When we get on God's side of things, it's a faith we build that drives us closer and closer to God and into the life He has planned for us. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

If we want to be the kind of people that others come to for faith questions or prayers, we should be spending time with God in prayer, and also allowing Him to shape us into the person that can be trusted with His Word. I believe God has been encouraging me to learn by showing me my weaknesses and helping me to become stronger. What we commit to Him, He will bless. 

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14

(For more on learning the attributes of God's character, read the Psalms)

Guarding Hearts

 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

Proverbs 4:23 

I should have applied that verse before saying that thing, doing that thing, or whatever it was that ended up the big mess that it became. The truth is, some of the time, I allowed people access to me and my heart who had no business being there, and that's why I blurred (threw out) my boundaries, made the mistakes, and suffered the consequences. 

It doesn't mean those people aren't accountable for their mistakes and the trouble they may have caused me. But I also had a responsibility to limit their access to me. I didn't guard my heart, and in doing so, I not only caused damage to myself, but I also caused harm to them.  Romans 14:13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. 

When we don't set healthy boundaries with others, we run the risk of giving people too much entry into places in our lives that we should be protecting. When we notice that someone else has shaky boundaries, our response should be to take heed and create our own, not step over the line and start messing up their lives too. But why don't we do that?

At first it feels good to get close to people and let down walls. It feels like what people should be doing. Love one another, right? Isn't that what I'm always saying? John 15:17 This is my command: Love each other. After all, getting closer to people is how we get to know them, show godly love, and sometimes how we share our testimony. Sometimes it's how we make our dearest friends. All of that is fine and good, but it hasn't always worked out that way for me, and because of the number of books on this topic, I know I'm not a special case. Many of us suffer from a need for love and a lack of boundaries. They go hand in hand, kind of like fire and gasoline. 

 Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive... I have been charmed so many times, especially in my younger days, of dropping my boundaries, because I simply believed (or wanted to believe)what I was hearing. I would take information I knew about the person from the past and apply it to the current season. Big mistake. People are capable of earning trust, of course, but they are also capable of letting us down or taking advantage of our kindness. When we are not guarding our most precious commodity–our heart–we are in a vulnerable condition. In other words, I saw what I wanted to see, thought what I wanted to think, and heard what I wanted to hear. I had the outcome all planned without checking the forecast! Whether or not the person was well-meaning, deceptive or manipulative matters not at that point. 

 It's really easy to come up with a list of how the other person has done us wrong. After all, I kind of made it easy for them. I opened the door and said, "Welcome to my heart and all the access to my feelings. Feel free to go willy-nilly. I will ignore any red flags because of a, b, and c. " I could go on and on, and I have done that about what the other people did wrong. It was a no-brainer! But eventually God showed me that I also had a choice in the matter and there are so many times I had the choice to put up a boundary for my own protection. And theirs. 

The problem was that I was searching in people for what I really needed (and already had) from God–love, security, validation, companionship, friendship. What I ended up with was the opposite in some cases. I came to people on empty instead of with the fullness of Christ, ready to truly love and give of my heart. This is where I fell short every time. I walked away hurt and dejected because I looked for something in people that they could not possibly give me. I was a bottomless pit, most likely! I often gave without limits, and not always because it was the "Christian" thing to do, but because I desperately wanted their love. When they couldn't return it or gave me the weird look, I would just crumble. In my mind, these relationships were so much more than they were, but on the outside, they were superficial because the love I was actually giving was timid, fearful, and distant. Always waiting for rejection, which surely came, because I created it with my own behavior. 

That is how it went for a very long time. I was very ashamed of this, until a friend of mine brought up that so many people were dealing with shame these days. I thought, "Oh, not me. I'm not." And then God began to bring things to light in me that I've been hauling around, and I've realized that I've been ashamed of things that God does not want me to carry anymore. I pray that you too will surrender those things in you that have made you feel less than, exposed, or distrustful. God can walk us through anything and we can come out the other side victorious. I never thought I would admit some of the things I've believed about myself. I never realized it was shame I was feeling. We are not to be ashamed! Isaiah 61:7 Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Everlasting joy will be ours! Amen. 

When loving from a Christian standpoint, we are able to love because we are full of His love FIRST. 1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us. And that's where I had it all wrong. I didn't see the connection with my relationship with God–allowing Him in, getting to know Him, and surrendering all of that control and rejection and my human limitations. It was only when I started to understand how much I was already loved and accepted by my Creator that I could see where I had missed the whole concept of God's perfect love. We often put our human limits on God's love too. God only loves us when we're doing good things, saying the right things, not making mistakes. WRONG. God loves us ALL the time. When we immerse ourselves in that pure and perfect love, our happiness won't depend on the love and acceptance of everyone around us. When we stop feeling ashamed and rejected and start knowing we are loved, this is living in the grace of God. John 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 

A relationship with boundaries contains both freedom and limits. Freedom for others to move and be who they are, and to give what they can give–expectation free. There's also freedom for me to be who I am, and no worries on whether I'm accepted or not. There's no reason to ever have to get to a point of having to wonder or argue about where each person stands in the relationship. It's only when boundaries are broken beyond repair that the ugly consequences lay bleeding with little hope. When relationships get to this point, it's sad, because while I believe forgiveness can be had, reconciliation can be difficult if not impossible. By this time, people don't even want to have a conversation, and sometimes that's what is needed in order to apologize, forgive, and move on. Instead, a fence is placed and the bridge is burned. When relationships are built on sand and not on a true foundation of love, they will fail. Boundaries are placed because we respect and care about our relationships and want them to last! Boundaries are so much better than fences and bridges. I can't even begin to imagine my (improved) self in those same old relationships now. Those people wouldn't recognize this new God-filled person, and that's a good thing! 

And we, who with the unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 

2 Corinthians 3:18 

I wanted to reflect on specific examples of my past mistakes, but in remembering them, I realized it is still so painful to remember how insecure and rejection-filled I once was, and how it drove people away. The ones who stuck around seemed to be able to recognize my true heart beneath it all and understand that though I was acting out of hurt, I was struggling to get to a better place. Kind, loving people come in all shapes, sizes, and brands of hurt. I think I recognize and can have more grace toward a person who is operating from hurt because I have been there. (I didn't say it was easy) I thank God for the grace He gives me every day. When I ask Him to show me where I need to heal and grow, I wince at it, immerse myself in my studies, and keep going.

 I have had to learn how to have my needs filled by going to God and not having unrealistic expectations of people. I have had to learn that even when you need people in your life, they won't always need you back, and it's okay. That's when we need to reach out to God and ask Him to help us dig deeper. What is it that I need to do FOR someone else with a pure heart and no expectation, and what else do I need to learn here? The goal is always to get more of God and less of me. With that, we can better love and serve others. With God first, we are full already and no one has a job to do when they see us coming. John 3:30 He must become greater; I must become less. 

Keeping boundaries around us is healthy, and it doesn't mean we are keeping people out. It's more of a way to protect who we are becoming. They help keep us within the limits of who God is shaping us into, and help us to understand that we also need to stay out of God's way where it concerns others and their own necessary boundaries. Even Jesus had boundaries! He withdrew from crowds in order to pray and recharge. He walked away from unsafe people. He didn't fulfill everyone's requests, choosing to focus instead on His mission at hand. He was fully God and fully human and still took the time to care for his own well-being so he could better serve others! May God fill your heart completely and allow you to grow into who He is planning for you to become. Blessings. 

Aging and Changing

 Call me the minority, call me "weird", call me whatever comes to mind, but I'm just not into social media. Even when I spent a short period of time exploring it years ago, I never really saw its benefits. That's just me. I do enjoy a few channels on YouTube, I listen to a few podcasts, but I just don't get into the others. I tried to maintain an Instagram when our book came out, but I have since been locked out of it somehow, and it's been quite the runaround trying to log back in just to delete it. I deactivated my other social media site and keep it that way only so I can use the messaging services for the less than 3 people who contact me on it regularly. Yeah, I don't have a problem with spending too much time on social media. In fact, I see it as a hindrance, and I'm kind of glad that I do. 

However, it hasn't excluded me from seeing what a mess it can be. Even while scrolling YouTube in search of new things to watch, I see things like "What women in their 50's should NEVER do with their hair/wardrobe/makeup, etc..." "These three behaviors mean you have (this condition, that condition, etc...)" Oh, not only do I do all of those wrong things, but I probably do have all of those conditions! According to these videos, I have ADD, ADHD, ABC, PBS, and I'm so very stubborn for not cutting my long hair because it has somehow been declared law that "all old ladies should have short hair." Well, not this lady. This face cannot carry short hair. And last time I check it was nunya. As in nunya business.

Are these really the things people are worried about these days? What shoes I'm still wearing from 4 years ago? How I wear my hair and if it's making me look older? Why do they care if I don't care? The last time I checked, you had to be diagnosed with conditions by licensed medical professionals, not by 9 minute videos. It's been an interesting waste of my time, since I know none of this really matters, but in a way, it shows me where we're still stuck in society. 

 It's not that there is anything wrong with having a preference for looking a certain way. What bugs me is that people are taking the time to make these videos telling people that there is something wrong with them because they don't fit a certain mold that is being created for them by someone we don't even know. If you don't watch them, it doesn't affect you, but the problem is, these videos are very popular. People seem to love to be told how to dress, how to look, what to buy, what to change, and most of all, they love to share their opinions on how others look! This last video was about how to cut your hair so your jowls and your aging neck aren't showing. Well, maybe I'll just grow a beard and cover that horrific area so no one has to be traumatized by my NATURAL aging process. Sue me. 

This brings me to other things we may want to actually change about ourselves. In my Bible study notebook, I have several pages of notes I take as I read. Many of them are highlighted, because they are things I want to remember and put into practice. These are things I may just be seeing for the first time and want to put into practical application. These are not easy changes to make. It's not a quick order for a pair of trendy shoes or a visit to the hairstylist for a shorter "do." These are amendments to my thinking, my behavior, and even my past actions that will improve the outlook of my life and will help me to grow into the person God is shaping me into. I don't always want to do what my notes tell me. It sounds a lot easier to follow the do's and don'ts for makeup tips over 50, believe me. But I know that what I truly need to make me beautiful are inside changes. 

These are what I want to get hung up on. If I'm going to lament about the aging process at all, it's going to be about remaining stuck in the things I'm still struggling with–control, unforgiveness, rejection, bitterness–you know, stuff that when left untreated can really affect your heart. And the things that hurt our hearts are the things that will eventually make us ugly on the outside. They truly do, because we can't keep them hidden for long. They come out of our mouths, our actions, and they affect all the people in our lives. Even strangers on the internet. A great haircut and a snazzy outfit can only hide so much. I don't want to still be going through these things as an 80 year old, if I'm still around. I want God to keep refining my character and throwing out the bad stuff that makes me stumble. 

My desire is to have the fullness of Christ driving that authenticity in me. I want my faith to be what makes me shine on the outside, and have that be what people see. I'm tired of blowing it with my emotions and the things I've messed up in my own plans. When I am full of God, it is a lot easier for me to just be me, and let others be others. Peace. 

When we know the things we stumble over, then we can make the changes necessary to overcome them with God's help. If I know I struggle with comparison or rejection, then I know to be immersed in my studies and not scrolling online just comparing myself to everyone I see. If we struggle with overeating, we don't go to an all you can eat buffet. We can learn how to prepare our INSIDES in advance so that we present ourselves outwardly in the most truthful and Christlike way–full of grace, full of kindness, and ready to share the best of who we are. 

That might not get the most likes, shares, or sponsors, but in real life, it will please God, and that's why we will have the strength to do it. His strength will prevail through all the ages of our lives. 

Under the Influence

 

Charles Stanley said, "If we are to have a godly influence, we must be committed to our convictions." The question we must ask ourselves is, what are those convictions? 

 I recently read an article about whether or not certain things were okay or not for Christians to do. The answers were unwavering, in that all of them referred to first being committed to faith, prayer, and obedience as it relates to our personal relationship with God. James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. What we decide to do has little or nothing to do with whether or not it's okay for our neighbor. We should only be concerned about whether or not it lines up with our desire to follow and please God. And if it doesn't, then we need to avoid it. No one needs to understand it or accept it except for you and God. When we apply our faith to our decisions instead of societal pressures or any other element, it actually clears the muddy water significantly if not completely. Joshua 24:15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

If our desire is to be a godly influence with our words, thoughts, deeds, and actions, we must be committed to seeking His guidance, His wisdom, and His direction. Just as a good influence will affect everyone around us, a bad influence or sin we commit can affect more people than just ourselves. Let me just say that I didn't always know I was to seek Godly wisdom before making certain decisions, and I thought I had to figure everything out myself. I wasn't close to God, nor did I understand His very real connection in my life. When I began to see and cooperate with how He is transforming me with the Holy Spirit, things began to make a lot more sense. Ephesians 5:1-2 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

There are situations now that I can face with peace that would once have sent me into a spiral, only because I can see them spiritually instead of from a self-propelled world view. With God, my perspective has shifted into His perspective, and what He may be planning to do, and not "oh no! what am I going to do??" Am I always aligned and fully trusting in the Lord? Not always, but as I grow in my faith, I can feel when I need to get deeper into the Word of God so more healing and trusting can take over. And that is key. To be in the Word is to learn the attributes and the character of God. To see and know the words of Jesus is to better understand who God is. The more I learn, the more I want to learn, and this is how we become closer to our Father. This is what helps us remain committed to our convictions. It's also how we find peace and understanding. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. 

I could write a whole book on all the things I did (and still do) wrong, especially after I often regret not knowing then what I know now. But I'm thankful that instead I asked God for forgiveness and He is showing me how to do things His way instead of mine. Praise God for the grace that is new each day. I'm thankful that God doesn't give up on us, hears our cries, and is so patient with us as we grow into His likeness. I could also write a whole giant book on the ways God has changed me, blessed me, forgiven me, and shown me His love, and that's the book we can all write if we are in Him. 

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things that are not–to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God–that is, our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:27-31

Knowing Me, Knowing You

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

I do not give as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled. 

Do not be afraid. 

John 14:27 

I had that dream again last night about the overflowing commode. Maybe you're familiar with this one, the– ahem–porcelain throne is backing up into the room and you're trying everything you can to stop it to no avail. Wastewater just keeps flowing all around you and nothing you try is working! Actually, this happened to me once in real life while hosting a whole lot of toddlers in my home for a playdate. I still smile when I remember the sweetest, gentlest mom coming to me and saying to me quietly, "We have a little problem inside." Indeed we did! A streaming flood from one room to another kind of little problem! Five wet towels and three giggling moms later and the problem was easily resolved! 

Well, that was no tiptoe through the tulips into my dreamland, was it? Some people are given prophetic visions and even dancing sugarplums in their dreams. Not me, not lately anyway. But no judgments and no shame here, I hope. Some of us (okay, maybe just me) push bothersome issues down until they get to an eruption level, and then have to take certain measures to deal with them once they've finally reached the five towel stage, so to speak. It's the measure I've been taking that had me realizing I've been going about things all wrong. And maybe that's the message of the dream after all. God does work in mysterious ways, after all. 

That commode dream made me think of a lot of things that threaten to bubble up and over in people's lives. I admit it and I've been called it– I'm a little tightly wound. I am a "burden bearer" and a stressed-out ball of nerves at times. I have a really difficult time expressing my needs, my feelings, and how I need help. I particularly have a difficult time letting go of these burdens and placing them into the hands of one very capable God. I've always said, "It's just how I'm wired." But it's not really how I'm wired. God didn't wire me for stress and anxiety. He didn't mean for me to live my life in an anxious state, waiting for the next shoe to drop. 

How we act and interact with people is all intertwined. When we aren't kind to ourselves, we can have a more difficult time extending love and kindness to others as well. When we aren’t acting in love, it can even become hard to return the love the Lord has for us. He wants our love, obedience, and our faith, and for nothing to stand in its way. Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. 

When we are in Christ, God sees the righteousness of His Son in us.  Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are character traits produced in me because of the presence of the Holy Spirit in me. But my kneejerk responses to stress can become a stumbling block for my peace, my joy and my ability to live in what God has given me, and that is a hard place to stand strong. I can also become a stumbling block for others who desire to remain strong in their own fruit of the Spirit traits. Romans 14:13 Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. Not only do I not want to make my own life harder than it needs to be, but I want to be available and peaceful for those who may need the really soft and good side of me or just want to enjoy my presence. Romans 14:19 Let us therefore make effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. Yes, my lousy way of handling stress and my attitude of frustrations can certainly rub off on unsuspecting people. I don't want that for me or for them. 

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you," do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  In conclusion, What I've been doing is focusing on the problem instead of God, trying to fix it in my own strength, and sometimes it leads to desperation (stress) because my solutions are often based on how I feel at the time. In a sentence, I do things my way instead of God's and boom–overflow alert! By the way, stressed out me is not anyone I enjoy, and I'm often regretful of how I act when under a great deal of stress. Sigh. Ugh, and more sighs. Sometimes I tire of needing grace as much as I do extending it. This is why God gives us new grace every day. Exodus 16:4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. This is our daily bread. It's what we need to get through one day. We will need new bread/grace for tomorrow. We can't give away what we don't have. 

 What was that old saying I used to see all the time when I used to be active on social media years ago...."Be kind...you never know what someone is going through." When is the last time anyone asked us what is going on in our lives before they just started ghosting us, treating us differently, or just decided we weren't worth their time anymore?  I'm not trying to call anyone out in particular, but I do see this happening. People just kind of back away slowly from us until one day they're no longer a presence in our lives, and we're no longer in theirs. We're all guilty of kind of giving up on people when they get a little difficult. We put a lot of distance between us and them because suddenly they are "toxic" and we just can't be around them. Oh no...wait...we are the toxic one? This is valid in many situations, for sure. Boundaries are certainly necessary for people, and even Jesus had to separate Himself from time to time and tells us to do the same. Luke 5:16 But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. The thing about boundaries is that they aren't to control or keep people away. They are to protect us and keep our own behavior in check. 

Another popular social media standby–"Be kind. We're all fighting battles no one knows anything about." This is so true, yet we seem to forget it when someone is nasty to us in some way.  I know I am guilty of this.  Compassion and understanding is not always my first reaction when someone starts treating me differently. Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  I do believe that most people try to show us what they need, but not always in the most healthy ways. I'll admit I carry around a lot of pain—some of it is from dealing with chronic illness. When things come at me, that pain only gets worse. It's like a vicious cycle of trying to balance my body's response to things on the outside I can't control. I really have to work at giving my physical and mental pain over to the Lord and it's not easy. 

When I was first diagnosed, the pain was so intense and chronic, I could barely stand for more than an hour. Making dinner was an excruciating task. When my family would be in the kitchen goofing around and just doing normal things, I would get so snappy and short with them. They weren't doing anything wrong, but my pain was making it impossible for me to function in both the task at hand and the noise. There are a lot of people in all kinds of pain. Some we see, and some we can't. I may look put together and smiling, and I'm better at hiding it than at the beginning, but some days I want to snap. I imagine I'm not alone out there. Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. We are all in some sort of healing stage, and it's best that we add to the healing of others, not blame or shame them for the pain they carry, or make unnecessary assumptions or comments. A prayer or a hug is a really good medicine when you don't know what to say. <3

 God loves us unconditionally. Psalm 139:1-2 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. God loves our messy and imperfect sometimes unpredictable selves in a very troubled world. He loves us because He made us and knows us. John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I've been a buffet of things over the years, but I've learned and continue to grow into the loving human God sees. My desire is to find and live out the purpose God planted in me. Healing must and will come. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The reasons I struggle with certain things are within me, but I've learned my thoughts and coping ways aren't exactly reliable. How I see myself and how God knows me are vastly different views.  For one, my perception is my reality, and how I perceive myself tends to be a lot less valued of a person than how God perceives me. We are not the sum of our circumstances, for one. We are not the things that have happened to us or the things people have said to us. This applies to all of us. Think about this: How you perceive yourself and how God knows you are probably vastly different. Isaiah 43:4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you and people in exchange for you life. How God sees our problems and how we see our problems is not quite the same, because He is our burden bearer. We are precious in His sight. All He wants is for us to trust Him with the things in our lives that He already has handled. When we are stressing, it means we aren't trusting God with the details or the outcome. We can lay our burdens down, leave them there, and trust God to handle them. Psalm 68:19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Daily! 

When we know we are loved by God, we can start to see others with that same love.  "Grace is the face that love wears when it meets imperfection." -Unknown 

That’s exactly what God does when He looks at us. He doesn't see a big old bag of issues and hang-ups. He sees the child He created and purposed for great things and He sees us hurting and in need of grace. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. When we love one another, we give each other grace. We don't add more pain to it.  We extend that simple gift of human kindness that puts someone else ahead of ourselves. It requires the humility that Jesus reflects. When we are humble, we are able to see God's view of others–their great worth to Him as well as ours. 

We have to be careful not to make assumptions when looking around at others and instead look at them as people who need our understanding and compassion too.  Assumptions are unfair limits that only keep people from knowing the best parts of our hearts. "Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about." Right?  We've all either been or met the person that just seems to need a little more love and understanding. We don't need to know why. Some people have been through things we may never know about or understand and it's not our business to get a detailed report on why people act the way they do. It's just our job to love them. Matthew 22:39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' I am so grateful for the people who stayed in my life throughout all of my mistakes and growth and saw my heart hanging there on my sleeve and said, "that is too special to pass up!" and didn't leave! Thank you, God. While I may have previously tripped on judgments and approval and parked on disappointment and rejection, He saw that I was good right away. 1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

God gave us more than just a trite saying on social media to make us think and act right. He commanded us to love one another. To extend compassion toward each other. To not sit and assume the worst of someone before we even ask a question of them or get to know them properly. 1 Peter 1:22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. As humans, we can become like an outhouse to other people when we constantly overflow with negativity or consume them with smelly rhetoric or opinions, jealousy, and a whole bunch of other human yuck we do. It's so easy to just write people off and not engage with difficult people when the world is hard enough, right? But Jesus didn't give up on us when we were a bunch of dirty, messy people. He laid down His life for us. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That is how He loves us deeply from His heart. 

When we get quiet and we realize that this world is so much more than being right, being powerful, having a lot of this or that, or even doing all the things, we just might finally find what it is we are looking for that really fills the void. It seems pretty simple, but it's always going to be the same thing with me. For me, It's God and it's love–having it and giving it. I do think that is the path to peace. We don't have to agree on everything. We don't have to look the same, vote the same, live the same way, or even believe the same way. (I am a semi-good wife, sorta good mom and now mom-in-law, animal lover, non-partisan moderate voter, forest dweller, chronic illness hater, collector of hearts, Christ follower, shameless introvert, hot-flash expert, Skip-Bo nerd, and I'm so very flawed!) We may have not one thing in common and that's okay! But love is what binds us together because we are here on this earth, created by God, with a purpose, at this appointed time and what He means for us to have is relationship with Him and each other. 

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. May we also be at peace within ourselves. 

Blessings! 

What is Your Message?

 We are in the thick of a cold, dark winter, and that is not conducive to a bright and happy mood for most people here. Add to that already glum feeling the news headlines, personal life matters, and it's quite a stew of ick to stir. I've been trying hard not to get the icks of winter, but my body has been giving me some severe punches, which also batter my mind while just trying to stay afloat. It's a lot to just get out of bed, show up and be a person some days. My heart, mind, and body just feel heavy and some days there seems to be no end to the threatening weights. Psalm 42:11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 

Knowing this, it would seem that we would be a little kinder, more compassionate, and more understanding toward our counterparts–other humans, that is. But alas, it seems they can become our everlasting punching bags as we swing out in frustration over our own "stuff". How did we get here anyway? Can anyone relate? If so, keep reading. We are headed somewhere warmer! Psalm 31:1-2 In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. 

In my exasperation, I said aloud just today that I needed a sweatshirt with a certain message on the front, and an accompanying one on the back. I was being snarky, of course, as I often am when at the near end of my emotional rope. I try to use humor when all else seems to fail me. I know that the answer is not to warn others to "do" something, but that I instead change my own expectations of them and add a heaping amount of grace to them and to myself. "Love one another" is not easy and no one ever said it would be. Some people don't even like themselves. Some days I am one of those people! John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

I was reminded this morning of the actual solution when receiving my daily soul breakfast from my mentor, Norm: 

"I have spent much of my Christian life engrossed in the book of Proverbs. The wisdom is beyond profound logic and the pragmatism is not found in any handbook. 1 Kings 4:29 And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding beyond measure, and breadth of mind like the sand on the seashore, 30 so that Solomon's wisdom surpassed the wisdom of all the people of the east and all the wisdom of Egypt. 32 He also spoke 3,000 proverbs, and his songs were 1,005. The very wisdom that Solomon was given through the Divine gifting is still alive in Solomon's words he recorded. This is why when you read Proverbs and apply what the Holy Spirit gives your heart while you are dividing the Word of anointed truth–you become part of God's wisdom and understanding. Solomon's wisdom did not die with him, but rather God has kept it alive within the proverbs. A proverbial container of holy understanding is ours to dive into. We have access to how and what Solomon had through the graceful gift of wisdom and understanding that God gave him."

How we make it through daily struggles that threaten our peace combined with things that are happening around us, topped with the news headlines that shake our beliefs in humanity, feels hopelessly out of reach in our own strength. It is a lack of wisdom and holy understanding to think that we have to handle all of these impossible situations in our own power. I believe this is one of the reasons why we lash out in frustration; we feel a lack of control and we begin to feel insecure about everything. We start in with negative self-talk, shame, blame, regret, confusion, and all the rest of the ick ingredients that make up the stew. We think the solution is in something else–but it never satisfies no matter how many different things we experience, because it is our soul that needs the renewal or the change inside. Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. If nothing else I say sinks in, let this get into your heart. When we are walking around full of Christ in our hearts, we are in good company already. 

One thing I've had to begin to really sink my Christian teeth into is that my faith isn't mature enough, because I'm hearing myself say some things that don't reflect a complete dependence on Christ, and this heavy weight I feel is my own self trying to bear it all. As a self-professed "control freak," it is hard for me to let go of the need to be in control of my own world because in trusting others, things don't always go so well. Knowing that even with God things might still not go so well, and may even go in a direction I don't like, it's even harder for me to say, "Sure God, I'll let you handle that, even though I have no input on this at all. No worries." (Hey look–another sweatshirt design!) Psalms 46:10 Be still and know that I am God. That is a very short verse, but it's powerful and one that I hear myself repeating. It's okay to be a growing Christian and not have all the answers all the time. I hope I keep learning my whole life! 

 How well do we "keep (be) still and know"? Are things going great? No! Have they gotten better? No! Easier? No! In fact, much worse and so much harder and hello, Lord, are you even out there seeing any of this going down? (That one comes in purple, all sizes). It is in our trials that we see how our character is developed after we endure hard times. Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. Well, we just got told that suffering will, in fact, be part of the deal. It's going to be used for our good, but do I really want more character just now? It's funny how we want to skip right to the wisdom and understanding but forget how Paul (former persecutor of Christians turned Christian Missionary) and Solomon (asked for and received his wisdom in a dream) got theirs. 

What is it we truly want? Are we just afraid to ask for it or go through the hardship to get it? Growth isn't always what we think it's going to be. We have to go through the rough stuff to get to the smooth stuff. Just ask anyone–especially your mentor. I will guarantee they had a lot of rough patches before they grew into the godly person who guides you spiritually. James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 

My faith and my feelings can go on a never-ending sparring match and knock me right off course OR set me straight! That's a common issue of mine. Not being in the Word of God enough gives too much room for self-propelled worry and fix-it strategies that just end in more frustration. The reason my mentor's passage helped me today is because it reminded me that what is going to help me is to continue to grow in God's knowledge and wisdom and gain His understanding. What will this lead to? Peace...more peace. Less of  me, more of God. (Now, that's a great sweatshirt). Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. I can stand on solid ground. No more wrestling!

When I can KNOW and understand more of God's heart, then my mind will expand "like the sand on the seashore", and my wisdom about what to do in these situations will grow. I will no longer be shaken and stirred up like the ick stew that's been bubbling. I will no longer be taken down so easily by the weights of the world and even those near me, because the strength of God is within me, carrying it for me. Bad things will always happen. Imperfect people not only run the world, but we imperfect beings live in it too. It's unavoidable. But I don't have to live in a constant state of unrest like I have been. That feeling of waiting for the "next shoe to drop" or worrying about "what if" when I accidentally see a news headline. (Here's a sweatshirt slogan for all of you watching headlines all day: "Stop watching the bad news and pray.") 1 Timothy 2:1-2 I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession, and thanksgiving be made for everyone–for kings and those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.

My dear friend Norm says to me, "Pray for God's will." That always puts a little scare in me, but it scares me because I believe it. I know God's will is the last word, and it will be okay, no matter what, because it's His plan.  Matthew 6:10 your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 

Not only will God's wisdom and understanding protect me, but He will enable me to extend grace and give love in place of the anxiety, fear, and anger that has come so easily to me in these past few years. Proverbs 1:33 But whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm. My body will thank me as well, when this peace overcomes to heal and calm the illness inside me. 

I have a responsibility just like anyone reading this. We are in control of very few things in this life, but the one thing we can control is ourselves. What we put into our minds, our hearts, our bodies, and what comes back out to others. The things we are thinking make their way into our hearts and out of our mouths. Matthew 12:34-35 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. The things we are eating show up on our bodies. The hate we are feeling comes out in the way we relate to or even avoid others. We were not created to be divided, but to love one another. I know it seems kind of weird to say, but it's hard to love Jesus and take care of the hearts of people when we are too busy hating them and the world. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs. That's quite a dichotomy, and yet so simple and descriptive of humanity throughout all the ages. Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. What a difference it would make to see humility overtake the world. Well, I guess we'll find out one day, won't we?

That was a lot to say, but if someone says they've never felt contempt or hate for someone, I may ask them if they're Jesus, because in this fallen world, it's a pretty normal human feeling, considering some of the evil we have witnessed and some have experienced firsthand. Proverbs 29:4 By justice a king gives a country stability, but one who is greedy for bribes tears it down. Humans are not an easily healed bunch. We're all in need of forgiveness and we are all in a position to forgive someone. That puts us all in a pretty vulnerable position with each other if we accept that and actually use it to heal our relationships instead of tear them apart. 

I've realized that not only do I need to extend forgiveness, but I also need to pray for those I may never meet, and for those I've met but do not wish to be reconciled with. A heart without a grievance must feel so light and peaceful, right? Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 

So perhaps my assignment will be spending more time reading and less time dreaming up clever sweatshirt designs and ruminating over the things that are upsetting my life– particularly those I cannot control. It is my responsibility after all, to do and be the things that God wants of me, and not be so focused on the things and actions I can't control. 

This world and its problems and tragedies can overwhelm me, and seem to add to the problems of daily life. It can be easy to get sidetracked. In this time of great uncertainty, my security needs to rest in the One who has all the answers. To remember to pray for God's will is something Norm frequently reminds me, and it is very important, because it removes our need to "fix" or tell God what we want the outcome to be, and replaces it with trust in His perfect plan, knowing that even if the circumstances look dire, He is using the difficulty to bring about something good. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

God's plan is the ultimate big picture, and not all of the pieces will make sense to us. When we can ask God for wisdom like Solomon did, he will give us the discernment to begin to respond in a way that helps us to see how He wants us to pray and what small piece He wants from us. While we wait, we can ask for His peace. James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. I don't write this lightly as if all things can be tied up with a Christian bow. Most days, the ends of my ribbon are flying loose and free as I learn more and more about who God is and how much I still don't know about the One who intentionally created me. 

We all need love and God IS love. (Maybe that's the sweatshirt message of the day) May we be good to one another as we navigate this world and our places in it, carrying the presence of God within our hearts. Blessings. 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

Galatians 5:22-23

Where To Begin

 Where to begin....

I've been absent but present in my own world, and it seems that world has been spinning at a speed I can't control. We lost Steve's dad in November, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and with that, it seems more and more loss trickles in. There are always secondary losses when you lose a parent or anyone significant in the family. I've experienced this, and it doesn't get any easier. Grief doesn't get any easier either. I've said it with every loss–pain is pain. It's indescribable and there's no easy way around it. Even with God, grief is a difficult process. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. My own father passed 8 years ago today. I am grateful he knew the Lord and I miss him every day. 

As I've gotten older, I've had this feeling that time is slipping away and my grasp on this time is getting looser and looser. It's a feeling that words fail to touch. Try as I may, I can't seem to describe it, only to say I close my eyes at night and all of these thoughts and memories become overwhelmingly claustrophobic. They swirl around like a film in flash mode, stream out my eyes in hot pools, and thus begins a nostalgic journey I can't escape. Friendships, families, neighborhoods, children–everything that once felt secure and safe now feels like it could change or be gone in the blink of an eye–because it can and it is. I suppose change kind of fits on a grief scale of sorts. We can grieve the way things used to be, grieve lost friendships, relationships, old places, good times had, maybe even our old good health and fun activities. With change comes a lot of unexpected emotions. 2 Peter 3:8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. Yes, you can grieve things that haven't passed away, that is for sure. They are suspended in some kind of weird time phase that no longer exists, yet stay in our hearts, longing to thrive again. I would apologize for that weird moment of melancholy, but I do write poetry, so it's just my nature. 

"Everything is changing." I hear that phrase so often. I've come to believe it's a phrase filled with fear–because what we've come to know has become unpredictable.  We don't like the unknown, and the unknown is usually the enemy.  I said just the other day that I've become hypervigilant–always on edge and waiting for the next "thing" to happen. I wasn't always like this. I used to be more carefree, didn't I? Didn't it used to seem like things were always the same for the longest time? I think that's the problem with relying on those rose-colored glasses we wear when looking at the past. Things may always seem better or happier, but if you picked me up and plopped me back in high school in the 80's, I wouldn't truly be as happy as I say I would be! Maybe just for a millisecond, but I would beg to come right back! I have to say there are days I look back on that did seem much less strife-filled, and I'm wondering if there will ever be a return to that or if this feeling just gets worse. It's kind of a case of "is it me (my perception) or is it the world (really this bad)?" Well, God tells us not to entertain the past. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

God is telling us if we are fixated on the past, we won't see the new things or new ways ahead. We are going to trip on all the old stuff. This is why it is so important for me to keep myself grounded in the present time. One exercise I've recently begun doing is saying, "I'm all right, right now." Regardless of what happened yesterday and what could happen tomorrow, at this present moment in time, I am okay. I am grateful, I am cared for, and I am loved. I am thankful for sweet memories, and grateful for today. I will not worry about tomorrow. It's not as easy as it sounds for someone who thinks and overthinks as much as I do! Hence, the reason I have to set my mind to do it. 

There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus. –Blaise Pascal 

My faith in God is what keeps me looking ahead, even when these fears threaten me in the middle of the night. It's what frees me when I've gotten stuck in a heavy, melancholic loop of thinking and can't sleep. I've crushed those thoughts with, "But thank you, Lord, that I knew that person....you put that person in my path, my neighborhood, my life, my family...if even for a short time. Thank you...Thank you for working this problem out even if I can't see the solution yet..." Colossians 2:7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. When I answer my momentary sadness, confusion or grief with GRATITUDE, it gets replaced with a comforting peace that I cannot find on my own. 

 Not only can we have our own "stuff" we are dealing with, but we can sometimes  feel the "stuff" of the people we love, and the stuff of who I call the "unknown" in my prayer journal–the world, people I see out and about but don't know, and things happening around me that need prayer. I've learned that I can't carry the baggage of others, so to speak,  but I can care and give it to God to carry it. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. This is why watching the news or scrolling social media can become a problem for people who think they have to "fix" everything. Instead of taking on the burdens of the world that we can't possibly carry, we have to pray and ask God which one (if any) of those things He appoints us to help in, and give the rest over to Him. It's sometimes a little hard to admit that we aren't picked for every cause (cuz egos, right?), but it's also a relief to know that we don't have to fix every problem that we see. We can pray about it instead, trusting that God has the solution, because He does. 

"Worrywart, anxious, hypervigilant.." They all have the same thing in common–fear. I know I'm not alone in having bouts of fear. This is why "fear not" is mentioned so many times in the Bible! 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. If I am fearful, it's not coming from God!  Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. If I become fearful, I am to look to God for my strength and help. If I'm thinking I have to do it all, be it all, fix it all, no wonder I can become an anxious, hypervigilant mess! It's true that even as we pray for help, bad things can still happen because we live in a fallen world full of imperfect people. But we have to believe that even through some of these bad things, good will come, and our purposes will prevail, because that is what He tells us. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. All things–even the tough things we go through. Most importantly, though we may feel alone, we won't BE alone if we trust the Lord with the circumstances we go through in life. 

These are tough things to talk about, in light of what others are going through in this big world full of troubles. I know there are plenty of people who are suffering worse than me. I've always said that though someone else has it worse than us, it's okay to express your pain, and I say that still today. God cares about our pain, no matter what that pain is. We can always go to Him with our concerns. God does not compare your details to those of another. That's a human failing. Acts 10:34 In truth, I see that God shows no partiality. Rather, in every nation whoever fears him and acts uprightly is acceptable to him. God is omnipresent–present to all in every place and time. Psalm 145:18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 

Think about this–everything really is changing. 

Here's the good news: God told us we were going to change, and even hoped we would! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! He told us to expect change: Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot...And that even if we face challenging times, He gives us reassurance: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Best of all, we know that God never changes. He is always the same! Malachi 3:6 "I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. God is the One we can count on to never change and to get us through these changes in our lives. 

Part of the fear of change is that we begin to lose hope. I believe it's because we tied our hope into the things that are fleeting or don't last forever. We put our faith in things or in people who we believe are going to be our saving grace or the one thing or person that can change the direction of things. I see this in politics a lot, but it can also be seen in our relationships or in the things we purchase. Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans. We have to be really careful when resenting change that we aren't part of the problem. Have we put too much of our hope and faith and reliance on our relationships and things and then found ourselves empty when those things begin to disappear? I think that's a warning to us all to be very aware of the source of our comfort or what we consider to be a "solution." Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. May we fill the God-shaped vacuum in our hearts with Him and Him alone, and trust Him with the changes in our lives. When our hearts are full of God, we will be able to handle everything that comes our way-past, present, and future.