Where To Begin

 Where to begin....

I've been absent but present in my own world, and it seems that world has been spinning at a speed I can't control. We lost Steve's dad in November, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and with that, it seems more and more loss trickles in. There are always secondary losses when you lose a parent or anyone significant in the family. I've experienced this, and it doesn't get any easier. Grief doesn't get any easier either. I've said it with every loss–pain is pain. It's indescribable and there's no easy way around it. Even with God, grief is a difficult process. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. My own father passed 8 years ago today. I am grateful he knew the Lord and I miss him every day. 

As I've gotten older, I've had this feeling that time is slipping away and my grasp on this time is getting looser and looser. It's a feeling that words fail to touch. Try as I may, I can't seem to describe it, only to say I close my eyes at night and all of these thoughts and memories become overwhelmingly claustrophobic. They swirl around like a film in flash mode, stream out my eyes in hot pools, and thus begins a nostalgic journey I can't escape. Friendships, families, neighborhoods, children–everything that once felt secure and safe now feels like it could change or be gone in the blink of an eye–because it can and it is. I suppose change kind of fits on a grief scale of sorts. We can grieve the way things used to be, grieve lost friendships, relationships, old places, good times had, maybe even our old good health and fun activities. With change comes a lot of unexpected emotions. 2 Peter 3:8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. Yes, you can grieve things that haven't passed away, that is for sure. They are suspended in some kind of weird time phase that no longer exists, yet stay in our hearts, longing to thrive again. I would apologize for that weird moment of melancholy, but I do write poetry, so it's just my nature. 

"Everything is changing." I hear that phrase so often. I've come to believe it's a phrase filled with fear–because what we've come to know has become unpredictable.  We don't like the unknown, and the unknown is usually the enemy.  I said just the other day that I've become hypervigilant–always on edge and waiting for the next "thing" to happen. I wasn't always like this. I used to be more carefree, didn't I? Didn't it used to seem like things were always the same for the longest time? I think that's the problem with relying on those rose-colored glasses we wear when looking at the past. Things may always seem better or happier, but if you picked me up and plopped me back in high school in the 80's, I wouldn't truly be as happy as I say I would be! Maybe just for a millisecond, but I would beg to come right back! I have to say there are days I look back on that did seem much less strife-filled, and I'm wondering if there will ever be a return to that or if this feeling just gets worse. It's kind of a case of "is it me (my perception) or is it the world (really this bad)?" Well, God tells us not to entertain the past. Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. 

God is telling us if we are fixated on the past, we won't see the new things or new ways ahead. We are going to trip on all the old stuff. This is why it is so important for me to keep myself grounded in the present time. One exercise I've recently begun doing is saying, "I'm all right, right now." Regardless of what happened yesterday and what could happen tomorrow, at this present moment in time, I am okay. I am grateful, I am cared for, and I am loved. I am thankful for sweet memories, and grateful for today. I will not worry about tomorrow. It's not as easy as it sounds for someone who thinks and overthinks as much as I do! Hence, the reason I have to set my mind to do it. 

There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus. –Blaise Pascal 

My faith in God is what keeps me looking ahead, even when these fears threaten me in the middle of the night. It's what frees me when I've gotten stuck in a heavy, melancholic loop of thinking and can't sleep. I've crushed those thoughts with, "But thank you, Lord, that I knew that person....you put that person in my path, my neighborhood, my life, my family...if even for a short time. Thank you...Thank you for working this problem out even if I can't see the solution yet..." Colossians 2:7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. When I answer my momentary sadness, confusion or grief with GRATITUDE, it gets replaced with a comforting peace that I cannot find on my own. 

 Not only can we have our own "stuff" we are dealing with, but we can sometimes  feel the "stuff" of the people we love, and the stuff of who I call the "unknown" in my prayer journal–the world, people I see out and about but don't know, and things happening around me that need prayer. I've learned that I can't carry the baggage of others, so to speak,  but I can care and give it to God to carry it. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. This is why watching the news or scrolling social media can become a problem for people who think they have to "fix" everything. Instead of taking on the burdens of the world that we can't possibly carry, we have to pray and ask God which one (if any) of those things He appoints us to help in, and give the rest over to Him. It's sometimes a little hard to admit that we aren't picked for every cause (cuz egos, right?), but it's also a relief to know that we don't have to fix every problem that we see. We can pray about it instead, trusting that God has the solution, because He does. 

"Worrywart, anxious, hypervigilant.." They all have the same thing in common–fear. I know I'm not alone in having bouts of fear. This is why "fear not" is mentioned so many times in the Bible! 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. If I am fearful, it's not coming from God!  Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. If I become fearful, I am to look to God for my strength and help. If I'm thinking I have to do it all, be it all, fix it all, no wonder I can become an anxious, hypervigilant mess! It's true that even as we pray for help, bad things can still happen because we live in a fallen world full of imperfect people. But we have to believe that even through some of these bad things, good will come, and our purposes will prevail, because that is what He tells us. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose. All things–even the tough things we go through. Most importantly, though we may feel alone, we won't BE alone if we trust the Lord with the circumstances we go through in life. 

These are tough things to talk about, in light of what others are going through in this big world full of troubles. I know there are plenty of people who are suffering worse than me. I've always said that though someone else has it worse than us, it's okay to express your pain, and I say that still today. God cares about our pain, no matter what that pain is. We can always go to Him with our concerns. God does not compare your details to those of another. That's a human failing. Acts 10:34 In truth, I see that God shows no partiality. Rather, in every nation whoever fears him and acts uprightly is acceptable to him. God is omnipresent–present to all in every place and time. Psalm 145:18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 

Think about this–everything really is changing. 

Here's the good news: God told us we were going to change, and even hoped we would! 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! He told us to expect change: Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot...And that even if we face challenging times, He gives us reassurance: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Best of all, we know that God never changes. He is always the same! Malachi 3:6 "I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. God is the One we can count on to never change and to get us through these changes in our lives. 

Part of the fear of change is that we begin to lose hope. I believe it's because we tied our hope into the things that are fleeting or don't last forever. We put our faith in things or in people who we believe are going to be our saving grace or the one thing or person that can change the direction of things. I see this in politics a lot, but it can also be seen in our relationships or in the things we purchase. Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans. We have to be really careful when resenting change that we aren't part of the problem. Have we put too much of our hope and faith and reliance on our relationships and things and then found ourselves empty when those things begin to disappear? I think that's a warning to us all to be very aware of the source of our comfort or what we consider to be a "solution." Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. May we fill the God-shaped vacuum in our hearts with Him and Him alone, and trust Him with the changes in our lives. When our hearts are full of God, we will be able to handle everything that comes our way-past, present, and future.