Things that go "bump" in the night?

I am a self-proclaimed ninja scaredy cat. This means that although I may be scared out of my mind, I always have a plan of attack ready. Plan A, Plan B, Plan Wake up Steve. I am an insomniac, and for you snoozers, this means I am often awake in the night for no good reason. The other night when the moon was so bright I could read by it, I was having one of my episodes of wide-awakeness. Of course, the first thing I did was look outside, fully expecting something scary to be there. A bear, a coyote, an axe-murdering maniac named Les. Every shadow was so menacing! Do you know how scary plastic bunnies look in the dead of the moonlight?
I have been known (in the past, of course) to hear something or someone tapping on the window while I'm sitting on the couch being an insomniac. I assume my ninja position, which is basically crawling like a ninny to the kitchen. I retrieve my hidden arsenal of weapons from the utensil drawer. Wooden spoons. Probably not registered weapons at all, but they'll do for now. I return to my post on the couch, turn on the TV, and wait for my attacker to come and get me. Of course, I could squash the tapping moth off the window with one swipe, but at this point, I am afraid to go outside.
Recently, I heard 3 big bangs coming from the area of the attached garage. This is it, I told myself. This HAS to be a person this time. The crazy maniac managed to get through the window, has knocked over my orange air freshener and tumbled into the recycling bin. He dusted himself off and headed right for the freezer to get my fudge pops. I pull out Plan A, because I haven't thought of B yet. This one is always the same. "Turn lights on and off suddenly to blind your attacker". I did just that, then ran to the den window to see which way my attacker would run. When that didn't produce my killer, I turned on the front porch light on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off until my finger was numb. This is when I picture our neighbor Bill, looking out to see why we got a lightning storm and he didn't. He's an insomniac too, I'm pretty sure. While all this mayhem in my mind is occurring, I can hear Steve snoring, oblivious to my plight. How can someone sleep through this? He's supposed to be protecting his home, our family, and my fudge pops!
One night I used my "Plan Wake up Steve" when I heard someone knocking on the front door. We have a doorbell, but knocking sounds scarier in the night, I guess. So, I went in there, sort of reluctantly, pushed him a little, and whispered, "Hey, someone's knocking on the front door. I think it's for you. " He knew somehow to just go, and not even ask questions. He trudged sleepily to the door wearing his underoos, but not his glasses. Like that's gonna do a lot of good, I say. But I follow behind, in ninja form, wielding a heavy book, some Joyce Meyer number about facing your fears probably. Well, the person surely got tired of waiting for us to answer, so by the time he opened the door, they were already gone. Well, with my pride in tact, I marched right back to bed and went to sleep. The next morning, Steve asked me about the knocking, and I said, "Well, I must have been sleepwalking, because that just sounds ridiculous!"
I love my wild imagination. It keeps my life interesting, and my family loves the impulsive entertainment it often produces. And although I am a scaredy cat and I have so many more of these stories, I know that I have a Protector who is so much bigger than my wooden spoon and much more awake than my hubby. But just for good measure, I will still keep a stock of wooden spoons ready for the next time I feel like being a ninja.