Well, today didn't go as planned. As much as I expected a "down" day after a bad migraine, I didn't expect the surprise of my old foe, anxiety. Sure, I was a little frustrated over the dog barking incessantly, and the phone ringing when I was trying to rest. I was annoyed that I was still feeling sick after being sick since before Labor Day, and enough is enough, but I haven't felt "this" in a long time, and quite honestly, nothing scares me worse than the thought or the creeping feeling of a panic attack. Nothing. Especially when I'm home alone, with no one to convince me that I'm not dying of a heart attack, because that's what it feels like.
This is one of the things I didn't talk about before. It's something I avoided telling people about, because to tell it is to relive it, if you've ever been through one. But today was a near miss, and I learned something about myself by making it through a very rough day on my own. I keep my pain to myself too much. I always have. And while I share from time to time here on my blog, what you get is mostly my "people-friendly" version of the story. You get the surface.
Today was slightly different as I went through my difficulty. I texted my husband multiple times, telling him I was afraid...I don't like how I feel...this isn't good...I texted my mom to tell her I had been sick for 2 days with a horrible migraine. I let her make me dinner, which I would normally never do. I texted 2 of my friends and told them I wasn't feeling well, one of them a fellow anxiety/panic survivor, who said, "why didn't you call me?" And she was right. Why didn't I just call? Why do I think I have to do this on my own? Why do I hide? It just adds to the fear.
Sometimes it's others' expectations that it's not okay to fall apart. It's not okay to complain. There's something wrong with having a problem. Well, I don't tell everyone my problems. I tell people who care, and I am ready for them if they need to tell me. And for a long time, I suffered in silence, thinking my anxiety and panic were the result of my own weakness. How wrong I was. There are actual physical reasons for this, and there are reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes they can occur in a seemingly calm and normal setting. Sometimes they happen because of dehydration, low blood sugar, mitral valve prolapse, exhaustion, thyroid problems, or a host of other physical reasons. And yes, they can be the result of stress and a lack of rest, and I'll cop to some of those things. Good stress is stress, all the same.
I'm sharing with you today not to whine, complain, get attention, or for any other self-serving reason, but to let you know that it's okay to share your pain. I know that I'm on this earth to carry someone else's burden with them, and I hope that others would share their burdens with me. How else would I know how to help them? I have this experience to share with someone who may be sitting there thinking the way I used to think, which kept me immobilized for much longer than I needed to be, feeling things I shouldn't have been feeling for way too long.
I had a really bad day today. In fact, I've had a pretty rough week, but I'm still standing. I'm still blessed. I still have a smile on my face. I'm still getting up tomorrow to go do something fun, and hopefully I won't feel like a truck ran over my head again. But if it does, it does. I'll start over again the next day. There's always a blessing to be found in a day.
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