From Chaos to Peace

 Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32 

Though tumultuous and challenging, I don't think 2020 to the present time have been the most polarizing times, despite the headlines. I think we just have the endless availability of  information more than ever before, making it seem like people are even more polarized.  It wasn't until my first experience on social media years ago that I realized just how many opinions there are out there, and also how many of them I don't really need to know! It's overwhelming! Like it's been pointed out to me many times, it's not the majority making all the comments out there, it's usually a set group (who don't have to use real names), and they don't speak for all of us. Word to the wise, don't go reading comments. It's a twilight zone out there. 

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9 

I came across an old book on my shelf by John Ortberg, "Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them", and it's kind of a metaphor title for the world right now. Some things seem "normal" until you really get into the nitty gritty of them. It's kind of like putting my "readers" on and reading my messages rather than trying to decipher what they say without them. Oh, so you're not saying "You mustard head". You said, "you must have". Yeah, it helps to see up close sometimes, and then again, sometimes not. 

Perhaps we were able to function well in large groups of mixed company prior to 2020 because we were living in what John Ortberg refers to as "Pseudocommunity". Basically, it's just another way of saying how we sometimes function around each other in order to avoid conflict. We speak in generalities, we try not to hurt anyone's feelings, we might even avoid topics so no one gets offended, we hide our own irritations and hurts so we don't affect anyone else with them, we just want to be agreeable and polite, gentle, stagnant, and as John puts it-ultimately fatal. 

Everyone lies to their neighbor; they flatter with their lips but harbor deception in their hearts. Psalms 12:2 

Said simply, 2020 and it's neighboring pals lifted the "pseudo" off the community and revealed what was really going on inside all along. We just finally got really uncomfortable and could no longer stay "gentle" or "polite". Some of us used flattery in favor of conflict and look where it got some of us. 

"What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" Mark 8:36

When we are living in a constant fake state of relationship, hiding our own authenticity for fear of the ramifications of speaking up or being honest, we die a little inside, and the relationships die a little too. In order to get beyond this "pseudocommunity", John further explains that we have to be willing to enter into chaos. I think chaos described what a lot of people went through in 2020 as it occurred to them that some of their friends and family and work associates were all on different levels of conflict.

Sometimes chaos ensues when someone speaks the unpopular thought or how they may be feeling about something controversial. I hesitate to use the word "truth", as truth is subjective in many cases, and we could argue about whose "truth" is right all day long. In any case, chaos doesn't feel good. It is sure to cause negative emotions on both sides, and there is no guarantee that someone is going to agree with you, back you up, think of you the same way, or even like you again. It's such an unpopular thing to do anyway, "tell the truth", "share your true feelings", because it takes a lot of courage to do that, and the one thing a lot of people fear is being rejected for doing just that. We hear all these cute sayings about how if you really love someone, you'll be honest with them, but have you witnessed what happens when you really do that?? It can be ugly. A downright relationship wrecker!  If you love someone...seems safe enough, right? 

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Proverbs 27:5

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.  Proverbs 27:6

But we have to risk it even if the end result isn't what we expected.  I have never enjoyed the sheer heart-slamming panic  I felt while speaking my honest thoughts or feelings, but when weighed against  scraping along the bottom of the shallow depth, it was worth the damage, and sometimes the pain of loss. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 

Chaos is revealing and it revealed parts of me and parts of others too. Both the pseudo and the real. I want to point out that we are not to walk around pointing fingers, correcting people as if we have all the answers. I laugh just thinking about that, because I don't know it all, not even close! But there are times we are to hold people we love accountable because we care about them or we want to protect them, and no, they won't always want to hear it, but do we? How we respond is a reflection of how we really feel about the relationship, and that is a risk in itself. I got that lesson years ago when I thought I was closer friends with someone than we were. 

What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar. Proverbs 19:22

It's a strange dichotomy that we all seem to value the virtue of honesty, but we don't really  want to hear the truth, especially if we don't like it! Stop meddling, we may say or hear.  Mind your own business. Take the log out of your own eye, and on and on those sayings go.  We seem to like to be alone in our own shady behavior because know-it-alls honest people make us aware that we have changes to make. They reflect the part of us that we try to avoid as much as possible. Yes, even people who love us and tell us the truth can be super annoying, but at the end of the day, it is better to have someone who is honest with us than to have a bunch of superficial, temporary people smoothing our feathers for us.  What a person desires is unfailing love. Not temporary, inconsistent relationships. 

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25

 The fact that some of us can't even allow others to have a different opinion without it causing complete relationship destruction is another sign that we aren't always so willing to share ourselves or invest all that deeply in others either. Have we become so protective of our opinions that we can't even imagine entertaining an opposing thought? It's no wonder relationships have been damaged beyond repair in some situations.  It's like we are saying, "I would rather keep my death grip on this opinion or this position for the rest of my life than hold on to you and I don't care how ridiculous that is." And what kind of backyard barn relationships have we been in that one heated discussion can end it forever?  My goodness. 

There is a space where we can have our own opinions AND relate with those who don't share them, but we have to be willing to open up with them in better ways than just proclamations and platforms. And I'm not referring to anything in particular here, but 2020 is one of those rich examples we are all using right now. There are plenty of situations where this applies outside of that example! 

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18 

I got really hurt over a situation because I gave a gentle and opposite opinion about a sensitive topic. I've had a lot of time to analyze it since that person is no longer in my life. I've decided that I was expecting love and respect and friendship where it obviously didn't truly exist anymore.  I was asking for depth and integrity and it was no longer there. Anger had clouded this person's whole demeanor and allowed it to lash out at me in a way that had never been done before. It took me awhile to realize that none of it had anything to do with me, but it has taken my heart a lot longer to catch up. It hurts to realize that you don't have the freedom you thought you had to speak honestly, and that when you do, the relationship is broken indefinitely. You become a sacrifice to someone else's pain, and in true anger form,  the person is most likely still in pain. 

 An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins. 

Proverbs 29:22 

To allow a person to be who they are is an act of love, but it is also a gift to be loved in the same way.  It is truly rare to have a friend who stays with you through all the stages of your life or make a friend who is willing to move and bend and roll with you as you change and grow. Likewise, it may be a challenge sometimes to stick with someone who is going off road a little bit. But when you feel welcomed to speak truth out of love, even if it's a hard correction, so many cool things can happen in a relationship. A building of trust, respect, and a closer bond, to name a few. 

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. 

Proverbs 17:9 

 A mutually giving relationship that honors honesty is probably more rare than people think it is, which is why sometimes people don't realize that you don't need a lot of friends, just a couple of really good ones. I don't overlook my family as a source of the people who allow me to be my honest self and call me out as needed. In our home, I have always allowed it to be a safe space for my family to be able to speak freely and be their authentic selves, and that includes friends!  It is easier said than done at times, but the offer stands. We call it our sanctuary, and everyone who comes here should feel as peaceful as we do. 

 We may not always agree with everything we hear, but love listens and allows conversations to happen without the fear of judgment.  Misunderstandings with people can happen when a person thinks a disagreement is judgment, and that's not true, at least not with me. Or when sharing your faith or beliefs means you are "forcing your beliefs on someone". No, that's not my style either. But sometimes it won't matter what you say or how you say it if it's not the right time for someone to hear it or if it's not what they want to hear. 

Sometimes chaos changes the way a person sees the world, and that includes certain people in it. Sometimes we just have to take the loss, forgive and carry on. Telling the truth to others will sometimes hurt them, but if they love you, they will care enough to listen. God knows our hearts and our intentions and we can always ask Him for guidance in these situations.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

 My current mentor knows he is welcome to speak truth and wisdom into my life and I will gladly receive it as it leads to my growth and hopeful improvement as a person. I would be a fool to not listen, even if I don't take all the advice given, because when you trust someone who invests in you, you value what they tell you. I trust what he has to say, I appreciate his time, and I respect and love him as a friend and angel in my life. God sent me someone who tells me the truth, and I see that as a gift. Norm wants me learning how to be a servant for the Lord, not out here being a pain in the barnyard!

If we truly want people to join us to fight for the things we care about, it's not about convincing someone that we're right so that everyone will agree with us. We don't need to be fighting against each other to try to "win".  It's about leading with love, patience, compassion, humility, and peace.  Our actions speak louder than our words. 

God help us be who You created us to be.  Help us all find our way back to peace and each other.