Summer "Beauty"

Patty and I were chatting recently about the dread we feel when we hear the words "bathing suit". We decided in order to cover anything sufficiently, we should wear a scuba suit. We joked about those matronly skirty flowery solid cup suits our mothers used to wear and decided we'd never wear those. We talked about our bikini days and that they are way over! (a good thing) We joked about public beaches and thongs...not being judgmental, of course. I'll get to that thong issue in a bit. So, Patty's suit of choice is a dark colored one piece, covered by a tee shirt and shorts. Yes, she swims in the whole ensemble. In her backyard pool even! My suit of choice is a lime green and turquoise athletic looking tank and boxer short dealy. Nothing clingy, nothing revealing, nothing escaping anywhere. A great country-girl-tan-line-creating jobby. Whooooooeeeee doggies!

We discussed these crazy bikini waxes and the fact that our "bikini" areas aren't for public view in the first place, so why should they receive all of that attention anyway?? Aren't those for bikinis? The ones we aren't wearing? I don't go around checking to see who has waxed and who hasn't, so whoever is putting themselves through that useless torture...stop it right now!! Some women are such babies about pain, yet will pay someone to torture their most private region. The silly things people do for so-called "beauty"!

Bras are another source of contention, whether you have a little (like me) or a bit more (like Patty). Does anyone really know what size they really are? They're as bad as jeans. We believe bras are designed by men who don't wear them. Underwires are painful, padding restricts air flow, and we won't even get into those crazy gel contraptions. So I'm trying to suggest a bra to Patty, and I mention those Playtex commercials which allow the twins to "breathe". She just cracked up laughing. We crack up over all those bra commercials anyway. I mean, how can a 110 pound person have a 90 pound chest? I just can't help myself today. I say forget all about that sizing stuff. Forget about going to specialty bra stores. Just put on your old boulder holder, stand in front of a big fan and let your hair blow back. You will look better already.

Self tanning creams. Another great invention which started with an old product called "QT" for "quick tan". Well, it should have been called "QO" for "quick orange" because there was no tan involved in the use of that product at all. So, we use these products to make us look brown, right? Because, of course, looking your own color is somehow not attractive, right? See how bad it sounds when put that way?? We walk around looking like orange dream pops, but smelling like old cheese, just to look tan. Let's all prance around looking pretty and "sun-kissed", but don't get near us because we stink like all get out. Face it, we're not in California and we shouldn't look it either!!

Okay, did you think I'd go right over the thong thing? Don't get all mad at me if you are a thongie, either. I truly don't care what you wear under your clothes. So, I've asked people what the whole point of thong underwear is. I get the response, "No panty lines." Oh, because panty lines are worse than what...cottage cheese butt and saggy baggy buns? What on earth is holding up your buns with that strip of floss there in the middle? Nothing! So, we may not see your panty lines, but we can see cottage cheese, not that we're looking. Don't give me the whole "but it's comfortable" kind of thing. I will not believe one bit of it. If you enjoy wedgies and all that comes with that, then hey, I say, live and let live. Just know that we are onto you. We know what you're wearing (and not). No panty lines, and no secrets, Sherlock.

We used to do some crazy summer rituals in search of the "Summer Beauty" and most of them led to less than desirable results. Like "Sun-In", that is supposed to put summery blonde highlights in your hair. Or red, but the bottle never tells you that! We used baby oil to get the deepest tans too. (Burns, it turned out).

Anyway, I'll give you a real tip for this summer, and it actually works! It all started when I found my stash of all those little blue tubes of hair conditioner that come with my Clairol kit. I like the smell of it, so I started using it like shaving cream! It works great! Know what else works great for summer beauty?? Accepting your light skin, freckles, cottage cheese butt, wrinkles, puffy tummy, bikini areas, and other things we work to hide. Love it all cuz it's all you got!!

Happy summer, beauty!!