"Check ABS System....Soon"

I'm not a typically angry person. At least I didn't think so until recently. I'm usually pretty level-headed. I don't think I have a short temper. Turns out, I'm a hothead AND I'm delusional about it.

I was never a hothead until I had children, and before you think I'm going to blame my kids for tossing me over the edge, they play into it in a much different way altogether. (Run-on sentences. Make me so mad!)

Without telling you the details, I will say that situations that involve the unfair treatment of my kids is what triggers this hidden anger. As it turns out, my anger is just repressed hurt feelings. Yep. I admitted it. My anger is just me being hurt. And years of pushing it down and ignoring it or moving on without dealing with it have turned me into a sparkplug, just waiting for my ignition flame. Though I've never unleashed the beast on a person, my poor family has to endure the fallout that is me high on pain.

I thought about this as I left the school today, annoyed that Serena wanted me to move my van three times before she chose the spot in which she wanted to be dropped. I heard a couple bells go off in my van. Yes, real bells. I looked down and this was my message, "Check ABS System". While I'm sure my van meant for me to check my anti-lock braking system, I thought to myself, "I need to put on the brakes in myself". It's me. I'm the one who needs the tune up.

I wasn't angry at Serena, yet my anger over the past week has built into a solid pile of steaming poo, making me sensitive to anything annoying. I usually pray in the car on the way home, but today my lips stayed in a firm line as I actually made fun of the overly cheerful radio announcer on my Christian station. Surely she doesn't have the problems I have, I thought. Wouldn't it be nice to just hide out in the safe radio booth and be all happy all day? Why, she probably doesn't even have kids yet! What does SHE have to worry about? The world isn't pooping all over her kids, right?? Right??

It's that kind of stinkin' thinkin' that keeps me in chains. And yet, I continue to make the same mistakes, letting my mind take over the truths that are in my heart. I turned to my Bible last night in Romans (no coincidence) and I was reminded again, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2) And then again in 12:14..."bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."

Tears came to my eyes as I thought about my outburst reactions to the same problem this past week. I did some cursing alright, and I don't mean the curse word type. In my anger I wanted justice! I wanted those who were being unfair to us to be treated unfairly so they could know how rotten they are! I was mad that the same things keep happening and we always seem to be on the short end of it! So unfair! Shouldn't they get theirs?? Can I see it when it happens, if it happens? And when? Come on!!

Then onto more verses in Romans...17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "it is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord."

Again, I spoke out in part frustration, part flesh, and I said, "Yeah, I know. I have to be a Christian. I have to take the high road. I have to be Christlike. I have to be an example. I have to, I have to, I have to"...and then it crept in again...what about them??

So you see, anger has its ugly hold on me. It's going to take a lot more than just a few verses in Romans to straighten this hothead out. It may take tears, forgiveness, acceptace, humility, brownies, and lots of listening to God. He's the potter and I'm the clay, and I'm a bit hard to work these days, evidently.

If I've done anything right in this situation, I've admitted that the feelings I have over this particular issue are rooted in love and justice. Love for my daughter and what is important to her. Wanting her to be treated fairly. I have a great responsibility as her mom, and I want to help her in every possible way in every possible situation. She has taught me plenty by being gracious, thankful, and keeping a sweet and positive attitude through it all. It makes me cry to see that even though I'm an angry dope, my daughters are nothing but loving and kind. Not angry at all.

So today as I pull out my fall decorations, finish off my birthday cake, and smell the lovely Downy wafting through my backyard, I will again open my heart and let God work in me. Good thing He's not too busy. We'll be having quite a long appointment today.

Love you, my friends, and please learn from me. If you have any advice on how you deal with injustice(particularly with kids) and anger, please share either here or privately. I learn so much from you. If you have no advice and I still come to your mind, please shoot up a prayer for me. Thanks....I really need the help.